holding son back from Kindergarten

[lastminutemom]

It's funny, but I have a neighbor who is one of those types of NEVER thinks she is wrong about anything, but when I was weighing the decision last year, she told me that she regretted sending her summer birthday daughter and son to school so early. She said that intellectually (and yes, she thinks they're brilliant!) they were ready and that they were able to behave themselves, but now that they are 13 and 15, there are issues. Her son is shorter than everyone else in his class. His friends are all driving. Her daughter didn't go through puberty with her friends and they all abandoned her for boys and all that stuff (which, come to think of it, isn't a bad thing). I guess she just feels they are sort of left behind on a lot of things.

My friend has twin girls (now 15) who have August birthdays. She wanted to send them to private school but none take summer birthdays. She consulted a educational psychologist (she wasn't happy about having to hold them back) and he said exactly the things your friend experienced. He said academics are almost a secondary consideration.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I actually agree with byrolmom as well. As a teacher, I individualize and that is my argument FOR putting them in with their agemates. It's my job to teach them, not tell the parents how much easier it will be for me if they hold them out a year. If that many kids simply aren't age appropriate for the benchmarks in those grade levels, then either the curriculum or the age guidelines need to change!

As I said in a previous post, when you are talking about a Sept. birthday like the OP (or anyone within a month or two of the deadline) there really is a decision to be made. However, in our district it is very common for parents to hold their March, April, and May kids back so they can have the academic and sports advantage. Then they scream loudly about requiring more from the kids earlier, putting the kids who actually fall within the age range at a real disadvantage.

It can be a real problem - especially for those kids whose parents actually followed the guidelines. Classes used to commonly contain a 12 month age range with a few carefully chosen exceptions. Now it is more common to have an 18 month age range. I have taught one level classes with a full two year spread. It is hard, regardless of intellect, for a 5 year old Kindergarten student to "compete" with a 6 1/2year old Kindergarten student.

I think many people DO forget to take what it will be like in high school/college for their kids. You may not want them to go to college at 17, but you also need to think about having a 19 year old high school student. Fortunately the OP in this thread won't have that situation to consider because her child is so close to the deadline.

I agree with this post. I'm a teacher too. I taught Head Start. We didn't recommend holding any child back from Kindergarten based on age (young 5). The trend to hold back is totally opposite of my background. I think in many cases holding a child back can be counter productive in terms of helping a child with maturity issues. IMO, a class of younger children is not the best place for children to emulate age appropriate behaviors.

I also think that a lot of issues are tied to age that aren't age related at all. Personality, disposition, learning styles
all factor in to the equation.

I do agree there are some cases where children should be held back.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...The trend to hold back is totally opposite of my background. I think in many cases holding a child back can be counter productive in terms of helping a child with maturity issues. IMO, a class of younger children is not the best place for children to emulate age appropriate behaviors...

Thank you for making me feel better! - I've always wondered if DS would have been more confident now if I had started him later. He'in first grade, doing OK, but does get really nervous when other kids in the class are ahead of him at something.

I didn't consider holding him out because there are 3 other students in his year in our nieghborhood. They all started preschool together, etc., so he would have "known" if I had held him back, and that probably would have been even worse for his self esteem.


To the OP - whatever you do, just try to be confident in your decision. (As you can see above, I struggle to do that myself!) But really, kids are usually fine with whatever you decide, as long YOU don't regret it and let the guilt seep in.

 

[Darcy03231]

In our district the cut off date is 9/30. DS's birthday is 10/2. I sent him to a private kindergarten with the idea of seeing how he did. If, at the end of the year he wasn't where he should be, I'd have him repeat it. If the teacher thought he'd be ok in 1st I'd see if I could get him in. Well, by the end of the year the teacher felt that academically he was ready, but socially/emotionally he wasn't. We had him repeat the year and I don't regret it at all.

 

[mom2aredhead]

A hot topic for me.

Someone is always going to be the youngest. Even if they change cutoff dates to June 1st - then May and April birthdays would begin to hold their kids back.

If your school's cutoff is Oct 1st then they are expecting old 4 year olds in the class. Is he that far behind socially/emotionally that you don't consider him in the 'normal range' for 4 year olds? If he is - then that's what they are expecting and what the curriculum should be based on.

It is a never ending cycle - people keep holding kids back because they're not socially ready and then Kindergartners are a year older and act a lot more mature socially and then that is 'expected' even though the class is really supposed to be for the younger ones.

My rule of thumb is this - I personally think parental choice should be removed from this whole decision (unless there is a serious delay with whom the family is working with a doctor), but with that aside - my opinion is that I have no problem with people holding their child back AS LONG AS they are ok with them being taught to a year LOWER curriculum. As in, don't hold him back - let him learn to do a ton of things (start reading, start math, etc.) and then expect the teacher to 'enrich' him in the Kindergarten setting simply because he already knows all the stuff they are teaching. The teacher is supposed to be focusing on those whose ages are expected in the classroom based on cutoff dates. And honestly - if the parent wanted the child challenged - they should not have held him back to begin with - then he would be doing 1st grade work. You can't have it both ways. So, would you be OK if your son is way bored by the work next year if you decided to hold him back? Obviously he should be bored by it - he will have 12 months more learning than others in the class.

I think it can potentially take too much away from the kids who are aged appropriate for the class if the teacher is trying to teach to kids who really should be in 1st grade and at the same time trying to teach 4 year olds. And, I think it is unfair to the teachers too.

Like I said - a hot topic for me.

I completely agree with everhthing that brymolmom wrote above. (We were allies on one of these threads once before )

I am the parent of a child with a NOVEMBER birthday, and our school cutoff is 12/31. My son will be starting kindergarten on time, at age 4. Just like I did. There will always be kids older than him in his class...and possibly smarter, or taller, more athletic or more musical, or something...that's what life is all about. Some things will come easier, some will be more difficult regardless of his age. I do not believe in trying to stack the deck in his favor by making him a year older than the rest of the kids in the class. Someone will always have to be the youngest...so where do you draw the line...at some point will all the kids being held back, there will be 7 year olds in kindergarten - ridiculous! Parental choice is less of an option here (thank goodness) as they go by the year you were born until about 3rd grade.

 

[hmacmahony]

Is he currently in preschool, have you talked to his teacher? Have you visited the kindergarten and talked to those teachers, and asked about their school work?
We held my oldest last year (so she started kindy this year), my next one could of gone to kindy this year, we held her this year (she will start next year), and in another year we will hold my 3rd a year as well. All of my kids have late september birthdays, with Oct 1 being the cutoff.
We talked to lots of people, did lots of research, and spent lots of time thinking of what to do. In our district it is the norm to hold kids a year, you should ask the kindergarten teachers that question too. My kid is not even the oldest there are two girls older than her. We know of at least 9 other kids held out a year who started with my daughter.
I know I will NEVER regret holding my kids a year, why push them, they have the rest of their lives to go to school, I had my kids to enjoy them, and I loved them being home an extra year. It gave us all the gift of time, which will never hurt.
I have talked to way to many parents who wished they had held their kids a year, and then when I talked to the kindergarten teachers and they suggested holding a year, that sold us. Kindergarten is not what it was when we were younger, if you know anything about reading, the average age for a kid to start reading is 6 (yes some do it earlier, some later, but AVERAGE is 6). Most kids are not ready until 6 to blend words, and things like that. Here they are expected to read in kindergarten.
Yes, someone has to be the youngest, but I was not willing to throw my kid out their to be the youngest when we had the option of letting her mature a year. Plus our state is actually going to be moving our cutoff date to Aug 15 (in the next year or so that will go into affect), so I am not the only person who agrees that 4 is not a good age to start kindy.
I know people are passionate that you should start at the "right" age, but I am equally as passionate that it should be YOUR choice, and YOU should do what you feel is best for YOUR child, not feel pressered to push them into kindergarten. Espically when you are having doubts it would be the best choice for them.
Good luck, with whatever you decide!

 

[ilovepooh]

Personally, I believe that yes it depends on the child, but for the most part (especially boys) it's about maturity issues.

Holding him back that extra year could mean a lot less headaches down the road in regards to classroom behavior, social issues, and academic issues. I have found that boys who are the youngest in the class tend to have more problems with the issues mentioned above, and could have benefited from being pushed into Kindergarten earlier than they really needed to. One year really does make a difference. It may not affect him at first, but eventually it will catch-up to him (in most cases). I have taught 4th and 2nd grades for 10 years, and have seen many children who struggled socially, and academically mainly because of their immaturity.

It is your decision, and you are really the only one that can make that call.

My DS has a late Sept. birthday, and I have already decided that no matter how smart he seems, I will not put him into Kindergarten until he is 5 turning 6 instead of 4 turning 5. I can challenge him at home if he seems bored, etc. My concern is later on down the road when the work gets progressively harder, and the difference in maturity levels start to show. Again it's a personal decision, and mine is just one opinion.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Okay I am hoping from some help out there. My son will be 5 on September 1and the cutoff for out kindergarten is October 1. So he technically could attend and would be the youngest in the class. My question is should I hold him back a year and put him in next year when he then will be the oldest. I am afraid if I put him in now, he will fall behind because he is so young. Let me ask everyone what you think. Has anyone had experience with their kids in a similar situation. Is it better to be the oldest or the youngest...please help me, I am so torn!

If you doubt his ability to keep up, hold him back! There's no upside to shoving him forward when he's not ready.

 

[bigbabyblues]

My ds will be 5 and could go to Kindergarten next fall. Unless he really matures, we're going to hold him back. He goes to preschool now, and he is one of the least mature in his class. He's well behaved most of the time, but it's his social skills and the not willing/able to sit to do the work he needs to do.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

My son missed the cut off by one day, his birthday is September 1. I got a waiver and sent him. He did great. He is now in his 3rd year of college in the Engineering program. He earned almost a full scholarship. I think alot depends on the child.

My youngest son is a senior in high school on the honor roll. His birthday is in March so he went when he was 5 1/2. He is right on target also.

Both of my kids have been in the hospital alot and have had alot going on. But they have managed well. For us our decision worked out well.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Holding back boys with summer birthdays is so rampant around here that the preschools are having to put rules in place about older kids being mandated to move forward!

I have been a nanny for more than 14 years so I have seen lots of kids and lots of preschools. One 4 year old class that one of my charges was in had a boy who was so old he was losing his baby teeth! He went on to K at a private school where they INSIST the boys are 6 (or almost 7!).

The extremes go both ways, which is unfortunate for students and teachers when the age range for a single class is so vast!

 

[Nlbnikki]

I agree it depends on the child. We are the minority DD turned 5 mid Nov. the cutoff here is Sept.1. We have been told since a young age she needed to be in K this year,so we fought the schools. They put her thru many tests and finally came to the same conclusion,so the enrolled her the day after she turned 5. SHe is having no problems at all with school work or emotionally. In fact the teacher can't get over how fast she adjusted and how well she is doing. She tells me that she still gets bored in school,not enough "learning" in DD's words. It just makes me wonder how bored she would have been if we listened to the school and waited another year. GO with your gut, no one knows your child better than you. Good Luck. Dh and I struggled with this decision for over a year, I am glad I fought as hard as I did.

 

[auntie]

I think this has become much more of an issue with the onset of "full day" kindergarden. I know when I wanted to wait with my older son...it was almost unheard of..and I bowed to the pressure and enrolled him with a Septemeber birthday. Eventually it does even out..but he had a difficult time with sitting for as long as the others.. on an emotional level..not an intellectual level he really wasn't ready. Not really knowing any better, I went ahead and enrolled him. My daughter 7 years later...still a half day..and she was 5 1/2 when she started. Night and day difference between those 6 to eight months, and her being a girl(they are like little old ladies at that age!)...By the time my youngest was ready..some 11 years younger than his older brother, kindergarden was now full day. With his being young for the grade(and having also lost a year of preschool due to be hitting by a car at age 3..spent 3 mos. in a body cast) I KNEW he wasn't ready to be sitting all day in class. Who knows..maybe if it were a half day, we would have given it a shot..although not trusting our gut the first time around, we weren't taking any chances. We gave him the gift of another year in preschool. He didn't know the difference. It was the best decision we ever made. He's made honor roll the past two quarters in high school, and he is leader..confident but not full of himself. He just seems to take things in stride that my other two were all emotional about. Sort of a calm about him. Now..some of that is just his persoanlaity..but I think his being older has contributed to confidence and overall positive demeanor.
In any event..by the time we were making the choice with him..it was becoming more of an option for parents. Others were thinking about it, where as with my older son, and half day programs, it was pretty much a given that child would start whenever the cut off dates permitted. With the onset of the full day program, it's become more of a concern for parents as to whether their child(in particular boys) have that level of maturity to get through a full 6 1/2 hour day..and then a possible half hour bus ride to and from school. That is a LONG day for a 4 1/2 year old. I can't tell you how many stories we've heard where the kids are sleeping on the bus on the way home. Mom and dad carrying them off..or even the occasional child LEFT on the bus when it got to school because they were sleeping ..they are so little the driver didn't spot them on the seat, and went back to the bus yard. So these are all considerations and valid concerns. I don't think there is any one answer..it's really what's best for the individual child. Like I said, we've had three children go through this..and done it three different ways...based on their needs.

 

[kurtandchelle]

My son birthday was right at the cutoff date on his 5th birthday (10/15). I and my family thought he is a smart kid and a fast learner he will do great. His Kindergarten and First grade year went great. A few comments on his maturity level but no big issues. Then 2nd grade hit and it started slipping. He does not like writing (what boy does!) and he was falling behind. His teacher mentioned retention but I got defensive and said no he is a smart boy he will do fine. 3rd grade was a little bit of a struggle but not as much as 2nd grade. Now he is in 4th grade and I realized I have made a huge mistake. He is currently 9 and is in a class with 10 and 11 year olds. We had him tested for Learning Disabilities and it came back with none. After much discussion with his teacher we have decided to work hard this year and have him repeat 4th grade. Age wise it is for the best for him because developmentally right now he is not ready for the concepts covered. Not only that but we are relocating to a different state where their cut off is in Sept. All in all we feel its for the best, I do not think he will be bored in the class at all. I think the light bulb may finally go off. At times I feel like I failed him but he is just too young. If I could turn back time I would have held him back in a heartbeat.
You know whats best for you son. Go with your gut. look at the curriculum for each grade and decide that way.

 

[CampbellScot]

pre-school and kindergarten are very different. After two years of pre school and being five before the cut off, my step sonSTILL had a hard time adjusting. He can't just get up and wander from station to station like he did in Pre-K. He's expected to remember rules after being told once or twice instead of constant reminders from teachers.

I think emotionally he's still very immature and is used to being able to explore at will. He was quite shocked when he didn't have a choice as to whether or not he wanted to finish his assignment of the moment. He struggled with being quiet while the teacher was talking, or during assemblies. It's been a big year of adjustment for him. He's had quite a few consequences b/c of his constant need to talk and ask questions.

SO...if your little one is mature enough to handle a classroom setting, I'd say put him in...if not, let him do another year of Pre-k. He'll be ready for Kindergarten by next fall and he won't be the teeniest kid in the class. Also, as someone mentioned before, if you intend for your son to play competitive sports, he'll be a year bigger and more able to compete...especially in high school.

I started kindergarten when I was four b/c of my reading levels. I STILL get called Pee-wee by old school friends...that lovely name stuck all through high school. It wasn't so bad being the youngest and the smallest, but when I started high school I was 13, I got my drivers license a year after everyone else...that sort of stuff was a little annoying, but it's livable...

you know your little one. If your gut says "wait" then wait. You'll have him a whole year longer before college!!!

 

[CampbellScot]

My son birthday was right at the cutoff date on his 5th birthday (10/15). I and my family thought he is a smart kid and a fast learner he will do great. His Kindergarten and First grade year went great. A few comments on his maturity level but no big issues. Then 2nd grade hit and it started slipping. He does not like writing (what boy does!) and he was falling behind. His teacher mentioned retention but I got defensive and said no he is a smart boy he will do fine. 3rd grade was a little bit of a struggle but not as much as 2nd grade. Now he is in 4th grade and I realized I have made a huge mistake. He is currently 9 and is in a class with 10 and 11 year olds. We had him tested for Learning Disabilities and it came back with none. After much discussion with his teacher we have decided to work hard this year and have him repeat 4th grade. Age wise it is for the best for him because developmentally right now he is not ready for the concepts covered. Not only that but we are relocating to a different state where their cut off is in Sept. All in all we feel its for the best, I do not think he will be bored in the class at all. I think the light bulb may finally go off. At times I feel like I failed him but he is just too young. If I could turn back time I would have held him back in a heartbeat.
You know whats best for you son. Go with your gut. look at the curriculum for each grade and decide that way.

I just wanted to say that this is a VERY good point and I applaud you for making the tough decision and having him repeat the 4th grade. There is such a stigma about that sort of thing, but really as his parents you see that he is just not ready for the concepts he's been struggling with.

When I was in the fifth grade and all the girls in class were gathered for the "period" talk, all the other girls in the class were 10 heading towards 11 and I had BARELY hit 9. I was totally confused. I had no idea what on earth was being explained to us and had no use for that information until I was in 10th grade! The nurse that was talking to us gave us Stayfree pad samples...I used mine for a Barbie bed!!!

anyhow...good luck to you and your family!!!!

 

[Manda]

I agree with everything brymolmom said. My son turns 5 two weeks before Kindergarten starts and he'll be there...

 

[Harlie]

I have a different point of view here. I am in Canada and our cut off dates in every Province are December 31st. My DD8 was born late August and school here starts late August. My DD is stuggling in third grade and can not handle the work load and we are now considering having her held back (something here that never happens unless the parents puch it) I wish we had a system like the majority of you in the states do. My DS7 is 6 months younger (stepson) and he is one of the oldest in his grade and is doing very well while DD8 is one of the younger ones and Struggling. Now they are going to end up in the same grade in class. Something I did not want for them, but I can not have DD8 continue to struggle like this.

I know this will effect her self-esteem and it makes my think that if I had the option to hold her back in Kindergarten when we knew that she was even then not mature enough we could have avoided a self-esteem issue.