High achiever problems

[MoniqueU]

I am having trouble getting through to my DD 12. She is a high achiever but nothing seems good enough for her. She came home with a progress report with no grades just comments. Every single one of the comments was stellar. I told her just a bit ago how proud I am of her and she got a real negative tone with me saying it's not that big of a deal and that all the comments weren't saying the same thing. There was not one even neutral comment let alone a negative one. I happened ot notice the class rank on her website the other day and we have no clue if this is correct or not but it said she was 51 out of a class of 2015 (huge school) she is upset about that and doesn't think she can do any better because someone will always do one more extra credit project then she will. HUH? I doubt that class rank is even right but even if it is that is darn good. She has a couple of A - grades and she is upset about that. One of them is in Algebra 1 which she skipped a whole year of math to just get in this class. It is usually just for 8th graders. She plays water polo and plays with a 16 and under team as well as a 14 and under team and in the game with the older girls she played quite a bit and had a good steal. She tells my mom she sucks. No matter what she achieves it is not good enough for HER. We are proud of her to no end but I feel lost as to how to help her realize every single thing doesn't have to be absolute perfection. I can't imagine living in that world. We never push her she pushes herself. I don't know what to say to her to let her know that this is good enough and she should be happy for herself. And just let it go. Any advice out there?

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

You just described Adolescent Shannon perfectly. I pressured myself for perfection every day. Your daughter sounds like she's highly motivated, which is wonderful. But at 12 years old, my self-esteem was quite frankly in the toilet, and it sounds like your daughter may be headed this way too.

Have you noticed anything different in her physical perception of herself? Because of my lovely "friends," I felt highly inadequate physically, and buried myself in academics to compensate. Middle school aged girls are HORRIBLE to each other. Perhaps some of her self-esteem issues may be stemming from this.

I'm not a parent, so I don't know if my advice holds much credence, but I have stood where your daughter is standing right now. If she wants to talk about it, LISTEN. My parents always disregarded my feelings when I told them that I felt I wasn't good enough. They never took it seriously. Don't make that mistake. When she makes a self-deprecating comment, ask "Why do you feel that way?" or "What makes you believe that?" Above all else, don't stop telling her how proud you are of her. Remind her every day.

to you and your daughter. Best wishes.

 

[MoniqueU]

Thanks Shannon for the tips. The only thing about her physical appearance I have noticed is she gets up at 5 to do her makeup, she doesnt have to leave til 7. That all has to be perfect too.

It seems to me she also has self esteem issues. I will ask her when she makes these comments why she feels that way that is good advice I think. She mostly doesn't want to talk about it to me and makes alot of these comments to my mom on the way home from school. I will let my mom see your advice so she knows how to respond as well.

Thanks so much.

 

[dicar123]

It's possible that I'm overreacting here (no daughters, just sons) but I think I'd be deeply concerned. The poor girl is putting so much pressure on herself, but when she succeeds, she can't feel proud or satisfied. How terribly sad.

You could contact a counselor and explain that you are unsure if this is something you can handle better at home, or if she needs a professional.

 

[FayeW]

You don't have "higher achiever propblems"...you have 12 yr old girl drama problems. Congratulations, you are entering the Age of Contrariness. For the next 3-6 years almost every word that comes out of your mouth will be met with scorn, derision, ridicule, eye rolling, or snorting. If you do actually get a discernable response to question or statement, it will most likely be snotty, flippant, and/or rude. Occassionally you will see glimpses of the sweet child you once had, but they are few and far between, but they will be enough to keep from strangling her.

She's looking for you to tell her she is "good enough", even though she will argue with you til she's black and blue that she isn't.

 

[golfgal]

It's possible that I'm overreacting here (no daughters, just sons) but I think I'd be deeply concerned. The poor girl is putting so much pressure on herself, but when she succeeds, she can't feel proud or satisfied. How terribly sad.

You could contact a counselor and explain that you are unsure if this is something you can handle better at home, or if she needs a professional.

I would have to agree with this. She isn't a "high achiever" she is a perfectionist. That can cause some major problems down the road. I would give the school counselor a call and let them know what she is saying/doing and see if they have some suggestions. Spending 2 hours to put on make-up in the morning is very excessive.

As for the class rank-if she isn't getting straight A's (has some A-'s) I can see where she would be where she is in middle school, especially if they give out a lot of extra credit. Class rank in middle school means NOTHING so I wouldn't even bring it up with her.

 

[Christine]

You don't have "higher achiever propblems"...you have 12 yr old girl drama problems. Congratulations, you are entering the Age of Contrariness. For the next 3-6 years almost every word that comes out of your mouth will be met with scorn, derision, ridicule, eye rolling, or snorting. If you do actually get a discernable response to question or statement, it will most likely be snotty, flippant, and/or rude. Occassionally you will see glimpses of the sweet child you once had, but they are few and far between, but they will be enough to keep from strangling her.

She's looking for you to tell her she is "good enough", even though she will argue with you til she's black and blue that she isn't.

I dunno...this sounds a bit worse than girl drama problems. I had a 12 y/o daughter once and got to know many of her friends and, sure, there was drama, but not in this way.

I think for a 12 y/o to get up WAY early to have perfect makeup is a little odd. At 15/16, yep. The concern this girl shows at age 12 seems over the top. I agree that she sounds like an absolute perfectionist and there are self-esteem issues at play.

OP, I'd watch this carefully as that type of behavior can lead to other issues as the teen years progess (eating disorders first come to mind). Also, perferctionism can actually be a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder so if your gut is really telling you something is not quite right, it wouldn't hurt to discuss it with someone.

 

[golfgal]

I dunno...this sounds a bit worse than girl drama problems. I had a 12 y/o daughter once and got to know many of her friends and, sure, there was drama, but not in this way.

I think for a 12 y/o to get up WAY early to have perfect makeup is a little odd. At 15/16, yep. The concern this girl shows at age 12 seems over the top. I agree that she sounds like an absolute perfectionist and there are self-esteem issues at play.

OP, I'd watch this carefully as that type of behavior can lead to other issues as the teen years progess (eating disorders first come to mind). Also, perferctionism can actually be a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder so if your gut is really telling you something is not quite right, it wouldn't hurt to discuss it with someone.

Even at 15/16 spending that much time getting ready for school is excessive. I agree, this is WAY beyond teenage drama issues. NONE of DD's friends are anywhere near this 'obsessed" with their appearance, grades, etc. and they are all very good students, very involved kids, etc. One of her friends has a goal to graduate #1 in their class so she does spend more time studying then she probably needs to but she is still a happy, easy going kid about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is anxiety. Get her some counseling. It has done wonders for my perfectionist. Get someone specific for anxiety.

Now my dd is on meds because she had depression with her anxiety.
My dd "shut down" because she could not handle the pressure she put on herself.

My dd is in 7th grade and just turned 13.

 

[MoniqueU]

Thank you for you advice guys I think I will talk to a couselor to get some ideas. I obviously am concerned and don't really know how to handle this on my own. She has been this way even in grade school this is not a new thing I am just noticing it getting alot worse as the years go on. I do think she is perfectionist and the ocd has always been there it is just making me more and more concerned. My husband told me not to worry it's just the way she is but I think I will go with my gut on this one.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you for you advice guys I think I will talk to a couselor to get some ideas. I obviously am concerned and don't really know how to handle this on my own. She has been this way even in grade school this is not a new thing I am just noticing it getting alot worse as the years go on. I do think she is perfectionist and the ocd has always been there it is just making me more and more concerned. My husband told me not to worry it's just the way she is but I think I will go with my gut on this one.

You "can't handle this". I think that is what you don't understand.

When it comes to mental issues, you need an outside source to help.

Believe me, my dd and talk as she is very astute at pointing out the flaws and what she needs to do.

Fixing them however is a whole other ballgame. My dd has BIG goals in her head. The therapist basically sat down with her and went thru what her goals were and want she wanted to get out of counseling.

She had to be made aware of her behavior was not going to get her to her goals. She gave her simple "homework" to practice.

She is a great therapist. Even though to me it did not seem like the therapist was really doing much, my dd said it helped her alot.

She is successful with writing and public speaking in school and that puts pressure on her to do well.

She is learning to balance the level of pressure to do well. She just did a speech this week over a book, of course she is legend in her Language Arts challenge classes....kids in other classes told her that they wish they could have seen her speak.

She admits she does it because she loves the praise. But then again she writes well and speaks well. It is just what she is good at and loves.

So as a parent it is my job to help her with herself. She is not going to change. She has to learn how to set her goals, meet them, and like you said ENJOY meeting them.

 

[kacaju]

I dunno...this sounds a bit worse than girl drama problems. I had a 12 y/o daughter once and got to know many of her friends and, sure, there was drama, but not in this way.

I think for a 12 y/o to get up WAY early to have perfect makeup is a little odd. At 15/16, yep. The concern this girl shows at age 12 seems over the top. I agree that she sounds like an absolute perfectionist and there are self-esteem issues at play.

OP, I'd watch this carefully as that type of behavior can lead to other issues as the teen years progess (eating disorders first come to mind). Also, perferctionism can actually be a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder so if your gut is really telling you something is not quite right, it wouldn't hurt to discuss it with someone.

My 16 year old is a perfectionist and she is in therapy. She did not develop eating disorders, she has Trichotillomania, which means she pulls her hair out. Her therapy is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it is teaching her how to deal with her stress, anxiety and OCD.

If in your gut you feel your daughter is *not right* please try to seek out this type of therapy for her. I have been told that many high achievers have these problems.

Example, my daugher is a great artist, always has been. She stopped drawing a few years ago. I thought it was just because she was getting older just didn't have the time to draw like she used to. Through therapy I found out that it is not that she has no time to draw, she was so hard on herself over how *perfect* it should be that she blocked herself from drawing. Thank God she had this therapy before starting HS and through her therapy and a wonderful HS school art teacher who understood my dd she can draw again.

It is very easy as the kids get older to excuse their behaviors as normal teenage stuff. Go with your gut Mom!!

 

[sbell111]

I think that as a parent you will have to decide whether this is just a phase that she's going through or a real problem. I suspect that it is just a phase. She's found herself in situations where she's competing with older kids (algebra and water polo). Obviously, she is going to be feeling a little inferior. This has exacerbated her minor self-esteem issues and combined with the normal 12 year old girl angst.

I'd roll with it for now and see if it doesn't resolve itself.

Every kid does not require therapy.