Help?

[AmandaSparks730]

Hi everyone...
well. How can I say this? One of my best friends is a lesbian. Now, I don't mind it at all, I actually think it's really cool!

Here's the thing:
She wants to become a guy when she's in her 20's. The sex-change operation, the new name, everything. She's POSTIVE this is what she wants to do. I'm supportive of it and all, but...I don't know what to do for her or tell her.

Anyone here have the same situation or is transsexual? I don't have a problem with GLBT, but I'm a little taken aback by this.

We're only in high school, so we have time...

 

[LKLush]

I know this can be tough for some - especially the close family and friends of an ftm (female to male). One thing that I've encountered though, is that very young lesbians sometimes think that they may want to transition because they think it may be easier to live as a straight man rather than a lesbian OR that they're supposed to be ftms because they may be a little more butch than others. The good thing is that prior to being allowed to have bottom surgery, most doctors will require that she live as a man for an extended period of time - trying to pass in public as male. It seems like this time period would clarify her choice as one that she wants to take.

If you are as good of a friend as you say you are, and although it will take a great amount of patience and an attempt at understanding (because you as a [presumably] straight female, will never be able to FULLY understand her situation) she will very much need someone to stand by her as she transitions. It sounds like, with you even posing the question and the desire to understand, you are headed in the right direction. Help her do research, and you'll both learn whether this is the path that she actually will actually follow.

 

[OrlandoMike]

Being supportive is the most important thing!

What else can you do? Just be her friend!

(I think we have someone who posts over here occasionally who may be in the same situation, keep comming over here for any other advice you may need!)

 

[AmandaSparks730]

True. I am straight. She's sure that she wants this, because she's felt it ever since she was little. The thing is, that she was supposed to be a twin, actually. She was supposed to have a brother. Sadly, he was lost in her mom's pregnancy. She actually CAN pass for a guy (and HAS been mistaken for a guy--by girls our age!). Her sister (older) does NOT want her to do this. In fact, her sister wants (my friend) to date guys as well as girls, just to see what it's like. Her sister is Bi. She has a boyfriend, but has had a GF in the past. My friend has had one GF so far (a very sweet girl. They have broken up because the GF didn't want the relationship to be known. My friend really did). I've talked to her about it, i.e "It's all going to change" and "I support you and all, but it's just going to be really different for me...for all of us". Any other advice for me? I'm sleeping over her house (for like, the bazillionth time) on Friday. (Also, my parents have NO IDEA that she's lesbian. Should I tell them? HOW do I tell them?)

I know this can be tough for some - especially the close family and friends of an ftm (female to male). One thing that I've encountered though, is that very young lesbians sometimes think that they may want to transition because they think it may be easier to live as a straight man rather than a lesbian OR that they're supposed to be ftms because they may be a little more butch than others. The good thing is that prior to being allowed to have bottom surgery, most doctors will require that she live as a man for an extended period of time - trying to pass in public as male. It seems like this time period would clarify her choice as one that she wants to take.

If you are as good of a friend as you say you are, and although it will take a great amount of patience and an attempt at understanding (because you as a [presumably] straight female, will never be able to FULLY understand her situation) she will very much need someone to stand by her as she transitions. It sounds like, with you even posing the question and the desire to understand, you are headed in the right direction. Help her do research, and you'll both learn whether this is the path that she actually will actually follow.

 

[hematite153]

Welcome!

Are there any glbt youth groups in your area? A gay/straight alliance? Etc.?

If she is determined to transition once she is of age, there are actually things she can do medically as a teenager that will make it easier. However, I'm pretty sure they would require parental permission.

My best advice--to both of you--is that you find open space to talk about these issues and that you look for counseling options.

I.e. your friend can use spaces where s/he can talk about who s/he really is and how to deal with the people in her/his life that do not understand. And, you could use spaces where you can talk about your desire to support your friend.

Does that make sense?

 

[RickinNYC]

The most important thing you can do right now is simply be her friend and support her.

 

[LKLush]

First, about telling your parents: it's her decision to let people know that she's gay - not yours. You may want to share with a lot of people, but she may be uncomfortable with certain people knowing. Tell her that you would like others to know (your parents, etc), and that she's welcome to talk to them. This might help them accept it (coming from the source) than their daugther attempting to explain it second-hand. Some parents are very liberal, and some are not, so I would think about it a lot before outing her. Do her parents know about her? Not only as a lesbian, but as a possible ftm?

Secondly, many lesbians (especially the more butch) pass for men all the time. With short hair, a peculiar walk, etc, people glancing their way may assume that they're male. If she enjoys this, great for her! It also has its negatives - a friend of mine has been asked on numerous occassions to leave the women's rest room. If your friend is considering transitioning based on these experiences alone, then you really need to have a heart to heart with her, and if possible, find more people (as suggested by hematite 153) that are like her to talk with. Is she friends with other GLBT people? Having more friends and mentors in similar situations oftentimes can clarify thoughts. If there aren't any local groups, search (albeit carefully) online for support and chat groups. The anonymity often brings a lot of honesty and good, supportive conversation.

Something fun and educational to watch: TransGeneration that can be found on the LOGO channel occassionally or can be rented from NetFlix or similar movie rental places. It follows the lives of a handful of ftms and mtfs -most of which who had surgery in the end, and one ftm in particular who realized that she was not ready for a transition, and was okay with being a gay female.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

Thanks, all.

We have a Gay/Straight Alliance (SPELLING?!) at our school, and my friend is in it. She has quite a few friends to relate to. One of our friends' stepsisters is lesbian. A guy in our classes is Bi (and one of the funniest coolest guys I've met!). Also, her ex-GF. There are others, too.

As for GLBT groups in our area, there are none that I am aware of.

She doesn't care who finds out about her being the way she is at all. She actually said that I could tell my parents (I asked her first). Her parents DO know about her wanting to do this, too.

She doesn't mind if others think she's a guy (she has shorter hair now and dresses like a guy). She actually likes it! Still, I do love her, she's like a sister to me. I think I'll give her a big hug today.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

Thanks to all who responded to this...
I'll try and talk to her on Friday, if possible. Otherwise, sometime soon.
I DID give her that big hug, by the way

 

[OrlandoMike]

Heck, sign her up to this site! Does she like Disney? We love making new friends!

 

[AmandaSparks730]

She loves Disney movies! She's never been, though (although I said that all of us are going to WDW/USO after graduation!) I'll talk to her about this site, maybe she can join (although her sister is ALWAYS on the computer!)

 

[padalyn]

Just an observation here...gender dysphoria (the actual name for someone who feels they were born the wrong gender) can be a tough diagnosis to obtain. But in order for the costs to be covered by insurance this has to be gotten.

There are not a lot of surgeons who will do the surgery on someone who is not fully adult (around 23 or so). The reason isn't what most would think (that being the "its a phase" or "you will get over this" things). The human body has a lot of changing to go through in puberty, and the hormones that a trans-gender has to take wreck havoc on a fully adult human - let alone one whose body is still "surging" in the production.

The second part I would like to suggest - please look online, find groups that are transgender near you and meet with people who have made the transition. The life changes are amazing and VERY difficult.

I knew a woman (formerly male) who did the whole process in 4 years (very quickly) she went through 11 surgeries, and had to take 20 pills every day (for the rest of her life). She was amazingly happy after the process, but she told me the pain was awful, and she lost her family and many friends in the process.

I understand the FTM surgery is harder then MTF. Not only will she have to endure a hysterectomy,ooferectomy and bilateral mastectomies (uterus, overies and both breasts removal) but she will have to get implants to produce the male parts - then she will have to have her bladder moved and the connections from the kidney to the bladder stretched, then from the bladder to the outside also created (I have no idea HOW they do that one!). So you see she is going to need a really great friend to be at her side for all of these changes!

And speaking from personal experience - changing one's name is NOT easy!! Took me 5 years to pick my new name...and I didn't swap gender...I can't even imagine trying that one. It took about 3 years for me to get used to my new name, then to forget the old one!

By supporting your friend - you are doing her the best thing in the world. She is planning to change a lot of things in her world - be her grounding point.

Good luck - keep us posted please as to her decision process if she feels she would like to share that with us. This board is VERY supportive and helpful in so many ways...

 

[AmandaSparks730]

Oh gosh, thanks! She's already picked out her new name
It'll be Ryan. (Which, personally, I love that name)

Thanks SO much, this really helps to understand a lot better.