Help with issues with my ex-husband--edit

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I updated for anyone who wants to know what happened. Unfortunately I was right, he is going to punish me over the loan. Way to kick me when I'm down.


I need some advice from people with experience dealing with a deadbeat ex-husband (or ex-wife). He does not pay support, there is no support ordered because he is working under the table and he is clever, my lawyer advised me not to go after anything because he is skilled with hiding his money and it would cost me a bunch of money to chase after him. He also has had no contact with the kids for 2 years, it will be 2 years on September 29.

So anyway, we had a joint line of credit on our house. The house was in his name only but my name was on the line of credit. He moved and changed his phone number after we separated so the bank came after me to pay the line of credit because they couldn't contact him. I have been paying on it for 2 1/2 years, I had it paid down to about $2,000. Got a letter today that says the loan was paid.

I know he sold the house, he sold it in June but I think everything finalized last month. To answer any questions about the house: yes, by PA law I am entitled to half of the value of the house, but his realtor contacted me and told me that the tenants that he put in the house after the kids and I left trashed it. I don't know how much damage they did, he wouldn't allow me in to see it when he listed the house, but I know that he was planning to list it for less than 1/3 of it's value. Two lawyers advised me not to go after the value of the house either, for two reasons; because he was selling it for so little and the burden would be on me to prove that it was worth more than he was selling it for, I would have to pay at least $500 for a property assessment and then more money for court costs and lawyer fees if I wanted to fight for it, and because it might anger him and then he might fight me for custody of the kids. It was worth it to lose thousands of dollars to know that my kids are safe from him (he was abusive).

If you read through all that backstory, thanks My question is: did he pay off the loan or was it paid by the buyer? How do I find that out? I just checked online but the newest bank statement doesn't have this payoff on it. I will call the bank tomorrow to see what they can tell me, but meanwhile I'm a bundle of nerves wondering what is going on. He has never in his life done anything nice without expecting something in return, so if he had to pay it he might feel entitled to start harassing me again. I just want to get ahead of him, I don't like surprises. I also don't want him to try and claim that this money was support money. When he was selling he tried to get me to sign something saying that if he paid the line of credit out of the proceeds of the house that it would be considered child support. I refused. In my current situation, $2000 is a lot of money and I want to be grateful for this blessing but instead I'm worried and scared. Any help with this is appreciated!

Oh, and I know stuff about the house and the sale because it's a small town, everybody knows everybody else's business here and his realtor (who is his cousin) fed me some info because she felt bad for me and the kids.

 

[ronandannette]

I need some advice from people with experience dealing with a deadbeat ex-husband (or ex-wife). He does not pay support, there is no support ordered because he is working under the table and he is clever, my lawyer advised me not to go after anything because he is skilled with hiding his money and it would cost me a bunch of money to chase after him. He also has had no contact with the kids for 2 years, it will be 2 years on September 29.

So anyway, we had a joint line of credit on our house. The house was in his name only but my name was on the line of credit. He moved and changed his phone number after we separated so the bank came after me to pay the line of credit because they couldn't contact him. I have been paying on it for 2 1/2 years, I had it paid down to about $2,000. Got a letter today that says the loan was paid.

I know he sold the house, he sold it in June but I think everything finalized last month. To answer any questions about the house: yes, by PA law I am entitled to half of the value of the house, but his realtor contacted me and told me that the tenants that he put in the house after the kids and I left trashed it. I don't know how much damage they did, he wouldn't allow me in to see it when he listed the house, but I know that he was planning to list it for less than 1/3 of it's value. Two lawyers advised me not to go after the value of the house either, for two reasons; because he was selling it for so little and the burden would be on me to prove that it was worth more than he was selling it for, I would have to pay at least $500 for a property assessment and then more money for court costs and lawyer fees if I wanted to fight for it, and because it might anger him and then he might fight me for custody of the kids. It was worth it to lose thousands of dollars to know that my kids are safe from him (he was abusive).

If you read through all that backstory, thanks My question is: did he pay off the loan or was it paid by the buyer? How do I find that out? I just checked online but the newest bank statement doesn't have this payoff on it. I will call the bank tomorrow to see what they can tell me, but meanwhile I'm a bundle of nerves wondering what is going on. He has never in his life done anything nice without expecting something in return, so if he had to pay it he might feel entitled to start harassing me again. I just want to get ahead of him, I don't like surprises. I also don't want him to try and claim that this money was support money. When he was selling he tried to get me to sign something saying that if he paid the line of credit out of the proceeds of the house that it would be considered child support. I refused. In my current situation, $2000 is a lot of money and I want to be grateful for this blessing but instead I'm worried and scared. Any help with this is appreciated!

Oh, and I know stuff about the house and the sale because it's a small town, everybody knows everybody else's business here and his realtor (who is his cousin) fed me some info because she felt bad for me and the kids.

I would say the line of credit (secured by the house) and the mortgage owing all had to be satisfied at once in order to retire the mortgage. Either which way, who cares!! Count this as a small, well-deserved win, in that you no longer have to make the payments. Whether or not he tries to reduce your support, well, If I read you right there is no formal agreement so he basically only gives you what he feels like anyway, right? Nothing you can really do about it now. I wish you well.

 

[wenrob]

The line of credit was paid when the house sold, it’s was borrowed against the house. The loan company gets their share first. Not going to come back on you. Congrats for being free from that debt.

Everything else? I’d get a better lawyer, he sounds lazy. By not seeking the child support you are owed or compensation for the home you are legally entitled to you are letting your ex continue rule your life. A dude who hasn’t shown his face for two years isn’t going to seek custody and even if he does, he won’t get it. Not my business, so I apologize if I’ve overstepped. I just hate seeing someone bullied out of their rights.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I would say the line of credit (secured by the house) and the mortgage owing all had to be satisfied at once in order to retire the mortgage. Either which way, who cares!! Count this as a small, well-deserved win, in that you no longer have to make the payments. Whether or not he tries to reduce your support, well, If I read you right there is no formal agreement so he basically only gives you what he feels like anyway, right? Nothing you can really do about it now. I wish you well.

thanks. he has never paid any support. But he gets weird about money, so that's why I'm worried about it. if he had to pay that money out of the proceeds of the house he is going to be angry about it.

 

[wenrob]

thanks. he has never paid any support. But he gets weird about money, so that's why I'm worried about it. if he had to pay that money out of the proceeds of the house he is going to be angry about it.

That’s how home line of credit works though. You’re borrowing against your equity. If you were to get your half of the proceeds from the home half of the loan pay off would come from that and half would come from his. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or feels about it, that’s how it works. If he were to come after you for your half of the loan he’d have give you your half of the house proceeds and by your description of the situation he’s not going to do that. If he approaches you directly about it refer him to your lawyer.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

The line of credit was paid when the house sold, it’s was borrowed against the house. The loan company gets their share first. Not going to come back on you. Congrats for being free from that debt.

Everything else? I’d get a better lawyer, he sounds lazy. By not seeking the child support you are owed or compensation for the home you are legally entitled to you are letting your ex continue rule your life. A dude who hasn’t shown his face for two years isn’t going to seek custody and even if he does, he won’t get it. Not my business, so I apologize if I’ve overstepped. I just hate seeing someone bullied out of their rights.

I understand what you are saying, but fighting for the money isn't an option. I consulted with 2 lawyers, I have one of them on retainer. They both gave me the same advice. Judges in PA tend toward trying to work out 50/50 custody. My ex-husband was physically violent toward our teenage son and I can prove that, both lawyers assured me that my ex wouldn't get custody or even visitation of our son. But since he never physically harmed our daughter she could still be ordered to have visitation with him. The system is messed up! I should have gotten PFAs long ago but I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it now unless he makes threats. The lawyers both advised me that if I am able to financially support myself and the kids without any help (I am), then I should let the deadbeat continue to be a deadbeat. The way I look at it, if I don't fight for the money I am using it to buy our safety.

This $2,000 throws a wrench in things though, because I know my ex well--we were married for 15 years--and he is going to blame me for this money being taken from him. He likes to be in control of things, if this was out of his control and they took the money from him as a condition of the sale he might retaliate against me. He knew he had screwed me over on this money, he told me as much, I'm sure he saw this debt as my punishment for leaving him, and so if the money was now taken from him he will see it as me transferring the punishment onto him. This $2,000 is less than half of what the debt was when we separated, a rational person would understand that he should be responsible for half the debt, but he isn't rational. I'm trying to calm down because I'm real close to packing the kids in the car and taking off.

 

[low-key]

He sounds just like my sister EX (always worked under table, never seen kids or paid a cent) This not what you want to here, but POS like him, know how to work the system, they look to deceive the minute they meet someone. Maybe dad could help out and pay to look into all this stuff

 

[ronandannette]

thanks. he has never paid any support. But he gets weird about money, so that's why I'm worried about it. if he had to pay that money out of the proceeds of the house he is going to be angry about it.

I can honestly not fathom all you have had to go through, nor can I be critical of how you're chosen to handle it. It's easy for those of us who have always been involved with "reasonably-reasonable" partners to advise you on what we'd do. I'm going to assume your risk-assessment is accurate, and I'm so sorry for it.

It really doesn't sound like you've got any choices here though; the loan was satisfied when the mortgage paid out and it had nothing to do with you. On some level he must understand how easy he's gotten off, based on what you and your children are legally entitled to. I think many of us would love to see you rise up and take it to him, but again, we're really "Jon Snow" in this situation.

 

[wenrob]

I understand what you are saying, but fighting for the money isn't an option. I consulted with 2 lawyers, I have one of them on retainer. They both gave me the same advice. Judges in PA tend toward trying to work out 50/50 custody. My ex-husband was physically violent toward our teenage son and I can prove that, both lawyers assured me that my ex wouldn't get custody or even visitation of our son. But since he never physically harmed our daughter she could still be ordered to have visitation with him. The system is messed up! I should have gotten PFAs long ago but I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it now unless he makes threats. The lawyers both advised me that if I am able to financially support myself and the kids without any help (I am), then I should let the deadbeat continue to be a deadbeat. The way I look at it, if I don't fight for the money I am using it to buy our safety.

This $2,000 throws a wrench in things though, because I know my ex well--we were married for 15 years--and he is going to blame me for this money being taken from him. He likes to be in control of things, if this was out of his control and they took the money from him as a condition of the sale he might retaliate against me. He knew he had screwed me over on this money, he told me as much, I'm sure he saw this debt as my punishment for leaving him, and so if the money was now taken from him he will see it as me transferring the punishment onto him. This $2,000 is less than half of what the debt was when we separated, a rational person would understand that he should be responsible for half the debt, but he isn't rational. I'm trying to calm down because I'm real close to packing the kids in the car and taking off.

If you do not feel safe you need to tell someone. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

[tylerandalexsmom]

Agree with wenrod! You need a new attorney- sounds more like he's working for your ex than you. And correct on how the equity line (I am on the Sr. loan committee for a group if banks). And regardless of the condition of the house, you are entitled to half the sales proceeds. So I would go after it (but that's just because I dont let anyone bully me). If he was abusive, I do get that you just want rid of him, but you dont need to be scared he will come back at you on paying off the equity line, because I guarantee he got more for the house (regardless of condition, and I wouldn't take the ccousin's word for it). I would also have made sure he paid for his half of the equity balance (which I assume was quite a bit more than $2k). So I would either (A) get a better attorney and go after him (actually, I would get e better attorney even if I wasn't going after him!); or at the very least (B) would not be worried about him coming after you for $2,000 - believe me, he owes you MUCH more than that, and he's just happy you haven't gone after it. So if he came knocking, I'd remind him of how much he does owe you. (Sorry, I know not everyone is as direct - or is my family says "headstrong," but I hate to see anyone living in fear when they should be coming out much farther ahead.) Get a new (better) attorney and see what they say. You can at least look around and go in for a free consultation for a few to shop around. I'd kick that attorney to the curb. Best of luck, and I really hope you have success, at least in not worrying about it!

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

So if I'm understanding the replies, paying off this loan would have been a condition of the sale? As in, HE would have had to agree to pay it off either before he sold the house or out of the proceeds of the sale?

 

[tylerandalexsmom]

Oops, I posted while the other. comments were coming up, so I didn't see the the comments about fear for safety. If you dont feel safe, you definitely need to seek legal advise, and perhaps even a restraining order.

I'm going to hush now. I just hate to see people being threatened. I promise my comments were getting worked up FOR you!

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Agree with wenrod! You need a new attorney- sounds more like he's working for your ex than you. And correct on how the equity line (I am on the Sr. loan committee for a group if banks). And regardless of the condition of the house, you are entitled to half the sales proceeds. So I would go after it (but that's just because I dont let anyone bully me). If he was abusive, I do get that you just want rid of him, but you dont need to be scared he will come back at you on paying off the equity line, because I guarantee he got more for the house (regardless of condition, and I wouldn't take the ccousin's word for it). I would also have made sure he paid for his half of the equity balance (which I assume was quite a bit more than $2k). So I would either (A) get a better attorney and go after him (actually, I would get e better attorney even if I wasn't going after him!); or at the very least (B) would not be worried about him coming after you for $2,000 - believe me, he owes you MUCH more than that, and he's just happy you haven't gone after it. So if he came knocking, I'd remind him of how much he does owe you. (Sorry, I know not everyone is as direct - or is my family says "headstrong," but I hate to see anyone living in fear when they should be coming out much farther ahead.) Get a new (better) attorney and see what they say. You can at least look around and go in for a free consultation for a few to shop around. I'd kick that attorney to the curb. Best of luck, and I really hope you have success, at least in not worrying about it!

Thank you for replying. So HE had to pay off the loan? This is so crazy that my name is on this loan and I know nothing about the payoff until they sent me the letter. And my stupid small town bank can't tell me anything until tomorrow. Ugh!!!!!!

 

[wenrob]

So if I'm understanding the replies, paying off this loan would have been a condition of the sale? As in, HE would have had to agree to pay it off either before he sold the house or out of the proceeds of the sale?

Yes. You can’t keep a loan on a house you don’t own anymore because there’s nothing to go back to if there’s a default. The bank would have told him that and his realtor should/would tell him that. He’d have to sign paperwork to that effect. Whether he paid attention to all that is another story but he would have been advised about it multiple times.

 

[longboard55]

I would walk away and move on with life. Does not sound like you will get more than aggravation

 

[MooseBucks]

So if I'm understanding the replies, paying off this loan would have been a condition of the sale? As in, HE would have had to agree to pay it off either before he sold the house or out of the proceeds of the sale?

Correct. It would be similar to owing back taxes on a property or an unpaid water bill. Once you sell all debt needs to be paid before the seller. In this case it was a line of credit was the debt that needed to be settled.

I hope he just moves on but please share your concerns with a neighbor or close family member so they can be sure to check on you.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Oops, I posted while the other. comments were coming up, so I didn't see the the comments about fear for safety. If you dont feel safe, you definitely need to seek legal advise, and perhaps even a restraining order.

I'm going to hush now. I just hate to see people being threatened. I promise my comments were getting worked up FOR you!

It's ok, thank you for your concern. I'm just trying to understand this. The letter the bank sent to me is dated from August 1st, but I just got it today. And the info I have about the sale of the house is that it was going to be finalized in July. So I'm wondering why it took so long to pay off the bank then? And why they took so long to send that letter? There is literally no information contained in the letter from the bank, I've read it at least 10 times, there is just one sentence stating the loan was "paid off/or refinanced" and that is a direct quote from my letter. then 2 paragraphs thanking me for my patronage and offering to assist me with my future financial needs. I guess it's in my favor that he hasn't tried to approach me about this yet, maybe he will just walk away and not try to retaliate. I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out his irrational behavior.

 

[tylerandalexsmom]

My main point was this - you are getting rtting screwed by the attorney and your ex (and probably the realtor cousin). He owes you money. Period. Do not let him convince you that you should pay him any of that remaining $2,000 (he actually owes you for his half of the equity line thag he didn't pay over the last two and a half years). So don't be afraid of that. And find an attorney who is worth a darn (I get it, I live in a VERY small town, and went through 4 attornies before I found one who was worth anything, and i still did all the work, and he just showed up in court with me and said everything I did and got the judge to sign). If you feel unsafe, definitely talk to an attorney or social services or thr sheriff's department or someone in that line. Chances are they will first say that they can't do anything until he actually does something, but it sounds like he already has and you have proof, so I wouldn't give up until you get some sort of help to make you feel safe.

I really wish you the best in a trying time, and hope you are able to get some relief soon!

 

[starry_solo]

It's ok, thank you for your concern. I'm just trying to understand this. The letter the bank sent to me is dated from August 1st, but I just got it today. And the info I have about the sale of the house is that it was going to be finalized in July. So I'm wondering why it took so long to pay off the bank then? And why they took so long to send that letter? There is literally no information contained in the letter from the bank, I've read it at least 10 times, there is just one sentence stating the loan was "paid off/or refinanced" and that is a direct quote from my letter. then 2 paragraphs thanking me for my patronage and offering to assist me with my future financial needs. I guess it's in my favor that he hasn't tried to approach me about this yet, maybe he will just walk away and not try to retaliate. I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out his irrational behavior.

Banks (and other businesses) take a while to tell consumers a lot of things. It all depends on when the house completed escrow and the funds sent (wired) to the bank. Then when whoever is in charge of the equity loans gets around to sending the letter and closing it off their books (closing off their books probably took priority)

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I just stalked his facebook and he appears to be out of state right now. He posted beach pics.