Help with anger at stepmom, please

[taximomfor4]

Last August, my father passed away. It was awful, and I've been only slowly recovering from it. However, my stepmother tries to contact me and I get upset all over again. Right after my dad's funeral, she kept having me over to help clean out the house (she's letting it go into foreclosure). She was holding over my head "getting some of dad's things." I was getting more and more angry, feeling used, and feeling like she was forcing me to EARN the only inheritance Dad left (sentimental things...NO money).

There is a lot of history, here. She came into dad's life when we were 11,9, & 5.We never liked stepmom -- she wouldn't let us even sit next to dad, on visitation weekends...she always had to be right between us. We HATED her, when we were kids. But I was the only one of us (3 kids) who always maintained a good relationship with her, out of respect for my dad and because I felt bad for her.

She had the funeral at her church (dad wanted it all in his backyard, he didn't believe in churches). Other than that, the wake and reception after the funeral were in the yard. She was having NO refreshments unles us kids bought them. So we did (it's only right). Several friends of mine knew that was happening, and gave large donations in their sympathy cards which they addressed to me or my brother. Never saw the cards, never got the money. Friends are FURIOUS (they thought donations were to cover funeral expenses).

She isn't burying dad. She had him cremated, didn't buy an urn -- got a container at Pat Catans (a craft store). She's going to have it put in the foot of her casket, and buried with her when she dies.

But dad's STUFF -- I HATE her for making this so much more painful, and for being the pathetic, controlling person she's always been. Photo albums from when he and mom were together. His wedding ring when he married mom. The can of polished rocks (we collected them together, when he still lived with us). The picture my uncle brought back from Thailand for Dad, when I was a toddler. The guitar sheet music I used to play with Dad. The sea trunk that came over with Grandma's family from Ireland loooooong ago.

I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't know if I have to push legality and get this resolved. I don't know if I have to just give up on the "stuff" and be the bigger person (I've been trying). I don't know if I';m just fixating on "stuff", and that it won't even help with the pain. For now, I keep telling stepmom that I'm not ready to see/talk with her. That I'm still upset.

If you made it through all this, thank you ! I am feeling a bit blue, today.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't have any words of wisdom, just . I am sorry you are hurting.

Denae

I am taking that back. I do have some wisdom. Those sentimental things you are longing for are only representative of the memories you shared with your father. You have those memories right there with you.

 

[Serena]

Do you have some friends or family that could come and help you. You'll be there of course, to prevent her from getting the keepsakes or whatever she's going to do. But you need others with you.

And you don't have to stop being angry just yet. She earned that anger, but keep it to yourself until after everything is done. Then when it's all done and you no longer have to see her or talk with her, let her know how she's made you feel all this time. Or not, by that time you may feel she isn't worth it.

 

[taximomfor4]

Do you have some friends or family that could come and help you. You'll be there of course, to prevent her from getting the keepsakes or whatever she's going to do. But you need others with you.

And you don't have to stop being angry just yet. She earned that anger, but keep it to yourself until after everything is done. Then when it's all done and you no longer have to see her or talk with her, let her know how she's made you feel all this time. Or not, by that time you may feel she isn't worth it.

That's the thing. She won't let anyone have anything. (Although some has trickled to my stepbrother, I'm hearing now. To sell.)

 

[Serena]

nothing! That is not right.

So, why does she want your help and why would you help clean out the house if you can't get anything?

 

[Kathi OD]

I'm sorry for your loss.

However, I'm confused. Your SM wants you to come and go through your Dad's things and that has you upset? From an outsider's POV, it seems like she doesn't want to make the decision as to what is, or isn't, important to you and your siblings. She's going to be moving (the house is in foreclosure). This is something that needs to be done sooner, rather than later.

I know you're not ready to deal with this yet. Maybe you could just have everything moved to another location until you are ready to go through Dad's things.

I really do feel for you. I am not looking forward to that task at all (and I know it is coming in the relatively near future).

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm confused and maybe I read this wrong. Are you angry that your stepmother wants you to come and clean out/pick up your father's belongings so that you can have them?

It sounds like your father was married to your stepmother for a long time. It also sounds like your stepmother tried to do right by your father by having part of the funeral in the backyard. She might not have done everything to your liking but it was her husband as well as your father.

I'm very sorry your father passed away but maybe its time to move past the anger and get on with your life. Go get your father's stuff so you can have your personal memories and stop all contact with your stepmother.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I don't really know what to tell you.

Is it possible for you and your brother to come together to your stepmom's and help pack and tell her that you'll take this stuff off her hands that way she doesn't have to deal with it in the future. Make it seem like a favor to her but you getting what you want. I know you don't want to be nicey nice to her but until I got everything I wanted I would grit my teeth and do it. After I got everything accomplished that I wanted I would let loose the fires of Tina hell on her but that's just me.

I am so sorry and hope you can find a way to resolve this.I would ask point blank about the cards though. Did your friends address this cards to you and mail them to her?

 

[lewdyan1]

No words, just sorry you are going through this.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

That's the thing. She won't let anyone have anything. (Although some has trickled to my stepbrother, I'm hearing now. To sell.)

Okay, I was typing while you posted this. This does sound like crap. March your butt over there and demand some of the sentimental things. I am a stepmother so maybe I'm more sensitive to this issue but DH has already marked items for his children for when he passes away. He doesn't have a lot of sentimental items but more of a couple of knick knacks.

 

[taximomfor4]

nothing! That is not right.

So, why does she want your help and why would you help clean out the house if you can't get anything?

It took me a couple of cleaning trips to figure out that she was just dangling the carrot. Then I stopped going. She wanted me to clean out under her bathroom cabinet (her old feminine products that she no longer used, etc). Next, the kitchen -- bag up old pots and pans to donate to her church, since she was buying new ones with the life insurance $ she'd taken out on him from her work.

My sis just called and said that she's giving me a guitar if I start coming over again. I just don't know if I want to "play a game" with her again.

 

[RN4Babies]

I don't have any advice for you. I'm sorry she's always made things difficult and uncomfortable for you.

My MIL died 17 years ago, and my FIL remarried nine years later (with no prenup...ugh)....he was lonely, met someone, and they eloped to Las Vegas six weeks after meeting each other. When he passed away a few months ago, his wife had his remains cremated. She keeps the ashes in an empty three pound deli container from the local grocery store, up on the mantel in the living room. She displays my MIL's blue delft collection throughout the house. She moved from her two bedroom apartment with her 16 year old daughter (she's 22 years younger than him). As Wisconsin is a marital property state, the house my in-laws built and paid for will go to HER children when she dies. We don't have anything of any sentimental value either; she got it all (or, rather, she gave everything to her four kids from previous marriages).

One thing I did for my ex...I contacted friends and family, asking them if I could borrow any pictures they had with my MIL in them. I made copies of them, and put together a photo album for him. I also made an album for my ex-SIL, as well as all of the grandchildren. Treasure your good memories of your dad, and talk about him with your kids to keep his memory alive. Hugs to you!

 

[agnes!]

OH, had something else all written-up but just read your newer response after the OP. So she's using you *just* to clean and somehow not letting you have any items?

Unfortunately, unless the dispersal items are mentioned in the will, the last one standing in a marriage gets to decide what happens to personal/household items. (I'm sure if I'm wrong about this, one of the DIS lawyers will happen along and set me straight.)

How exactly is she stopping you from having anything of your Dad's?

agnes!

 

[lovemygoofy]

It took me a couple of cleaning trips to figure out that she was just dangling the carrot. Then I stopped going. She wanted me to clean out under her bathroom cabinet (her old feminine products that she no longer used, etc). Next, the kitchen -- bag up old pots and pans to donate to her church, since she was buying new ones with the life insurance $ she'd taken out on him from her work.

My sis just called and said that she's giving me a guitar if I start coming over again. I just don't know if I want to "play a game" with her again.

I swear if I was doing this, I would do a box of her stuff for the junkyard and a box of stuff for me. I would label the box going to me paper trash or stinky socks or whatever to throw her off.

I hate people that take advantage of other's grief. I just don't understand why she would want the pictures of your parents. I guess to just be a with about it.

 

[agnes!]

That's the thing. She won't let anyone have anything. (Although some has trickled to my stepbrother, I'm hearing now. To sell.)

Call up your StepBro and tell him you'll buy it. Yeah, maybe that feels funny, but if it's important enough to you to have some of your Dad's stuff, you might have to pay $ for it.

I'm so sorry for all the pain you're going through.
agnes!

 

[agnes!]

I swear if I was doing this, I would do a box of her stuff for the junkyard and a box of stuff for me. I would label the box going to me paper trash or stinky socks or whatever to throw her off.

I hate people that take advantage of other's grief. I just don't understand why she would want the pictures of your parents. I guess to just be a with about it.

Good idea, Tina.
agnes!

 

[taximomfor4]

OH, had something else all written-up but just read your newer response after the OP. So she's using you *just* to clean and somehow not letting you have any items?

Unfortunately, unless the dispersal items are mentioned in the will, the last one standing in a marriage gets to decide what happens to personal/household items. (I'm sure if I'm wrong about this, one of the DIS lawyers will happen along and set me straight.)

How exactly is she stopping you from having anything of your Dad's?

agnes!

Me evil, devious mind has already checked the Ohio laws on this. I probably misunderstood, but the law clearly said (in the case of no will)the spouse gets like 40% of items, and that surviving children (blood-related, not step children, so NOT my stepbrother) get to divide up the rest. And I think it was, for anything he had from PRIOR to their marriage, we get more (and she gets less) of that stuff. I only looked it up to see if she was in the right here legally (if not morally). As far as I can tell, she's in the wrong in BOTH ways.

Not that my unemployed, in-debt self has the $ to get an attorney. And I am unsure that my extended family would be ok with me doing that.

 

[taximomfor4]

I swear if I was doing this, I would do a box of her stuff for the junkyard and a box of stuff for me. I would label the box going to me paper trash or stinky socks or whatever to throw her off.

I hate people that take advantage of other's grief. I just don't understand why she would want the pictures of your parents. I guess to just be a with about it.

Haha, great plan. But when I WAS cleaning out the bathroom, she wouldn't let me throw anything out. Had to leave the bags of trash for HER to take out (meaning she was checking them?? I assume).

 

[a1tinkfans]

I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt and grief you are now feeling!


People grieve differently, as I learned first hand. When my mom passed suddenly, my dad was "crazY' with clearing out and getting things done, I mean he sold the vacation home in the first week and everything was nuts. My mom LOVED jewelry and there was tons of it, beautiful pieces and sentimental items form her world travels. We were ALL in shock but basically forced to "deal" with the quick decisions that were made. My siblings and I did the clearing out and it was very very difficult for all of us.
In hindsight I can now understand that he was just on overdrive and though for him it was okay to do things this way, it was very rash to me in my mind.
My other experience had been with my FIL and that was a very slow process and more "honorable" way of slowness...I don't know, it felt very different to me...people are just different.

SM had part in the yard and I am glad for that (for you)! It is difficult to understand what makes a man and woman tick but for whatever reason, your dad and sm were together and they loved each other in their own way.
Try and don't get caught up in the things....

YOUR memories are YOURS to keep, no one can take them away or diminish them or steal them from you.
Cherish them, write down some fun memories silly ones, contemplative ones in a journal and when you need that Pick me up, Open it, re-read those times of sharing with your dad!
It has been several years for me, I can no longer hear my moms voice in my head, she used to say certain expressions and when I said them I could "feel" her saying them....Its strange how those type things will stay with you. It does get less painful but it is never far from your mind, so know that and embrace the love that you shared.
If it is not worth it to you to "help" her, back away and ask a sibling to take the "one thing" for you without even saying anything to SM, whether that is the guitar or whatever. It sounds as though your relationship with her will diminish soon enough on its own...do what is good for YOU!!

Meanwhile , again, I am so sorry you are in pain!

 

[agnes!]

Haha, great plan. But when I WAS cleaning out the bathroom, she wouldn't let me throw anything out. Had to leave the bags of trash for HER to take out (meaning she was checking them?? I assume).

Show up with a truck and tell her you're helping take stuff to your StepBro or the dump or the thrift-store or the auction-house.

About the laws on inheritance of personal items where you live...
As you've discovered, The Law and the way things actually happen are often different. Can any other family-members(the decent/trustworthy ones and preferably ones that are full siblings of yours or relatives of your Dad's with no relation to the Step) go with you to help "clean"?

Btw, the only reason she's offering the guitar is because SHE doesn't want it.

How are she & StepBro planning on selling any items?
If it's an auction-house, get on their mailing-list, be on the look-out for auction notices in the paper. Be looking for ANYTHING of your Dad's that you would recognize from a description. Take the time to go to previews of any sales. If you recognize any of your Dad's stuff, consider what you will do about it.
*Keep your mouth shut and try to bid and them buy it.
*Ask the auction-house if they have a clear-title to the items. Tell the auction-house that these items are stolen and that you are filing in small-claims court....I don't know, but if you could threaten legal-action, it might give you some satisfaction.

If the aunt sells on EBay, do you know her EBay 'nick'? Can you put in any of the items as a favorite along with your area, so if the stuff gets put on EBay you would be notified?

And who told you StepBro was going to sell some stuff? If not StepMo or StepBro, how did they find out?

agnes!