HELP! with a "situation"

[hiddenj]

I would just tell them that you know they will be disappointed but you really want some family bonding time.

 

[Maine-iac]

What if instead of spending every moment together (something my extended family tried to do and decided our ideas of how to tour the park didn't mesh) you did maybe 2 or 3 meet-ups over the course of a week? That way you can still share the excitement of planning with them, but you'll still have "your" vacation.

I am going to roll with this poster. Offer to help them get a room somewhere (and it does not have to be where you stay), get airfare and park passes. Then give them a planning book and have them plan their days. They will be newbies so they will want to tour differently than you. You can meet up from time to time if they want to. Just say we will be here at this time and we will be on a schedule that we are going to stick to. They can join you and then leave when they get tired.

I think this is your only other option other than telling them you do not want them to come along. Or if you try to help them go and they insist on doing everything with you then say no, you are going on a family vacation and need your family time. Take your offer to help them get started and leave the rest to them or you will not be offering to help.

Good luck!!!

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I guess I don't get it. Don't worry about what they will think. It's a family vacation and they aren't your family. You have no obligation to them. If they get mad over it, it's their problem. Life is to short to stress over something like this!

 

[dzneelvr]

First of all, not everyone IS going to be in a mood to hear about others' vacation plans, due to stresses be they financial or whatever in their own home, so I don't initiate the details of our trip ever. There are family and friends who say "oh, I bet you're going to Disney again--have fun" but I let them bring it upand I just reply "probably". The vast majority I just say when asked "we have a lovely time at our fave spot and we're hoping to make it work again" --meanwhile all the rooms, flights, and ADRs are set--if you know what I meanIt by no means dampens the excitement the 4 of us share around the trip and my friends who are disney-lovers like us totally get it. I'm thinking in your situation the friend made that comment about tagging along just as a quick response because they felt left out or something--I'd ignore the comment and give it no more thought because it "ain't going to happen".
I would NEVER allow another family to tag-team on our vacation, no matter where it was to. It's our family time and no one else's

 

[shalom]

And there is no getting away, they will want to stay with us and be depending on us for the drive.

Yeesh, if you're right about that, these guys must be real charmers. It's people like this that make me skeptical about the whole "small towns are wonderful" idea - not that small towns are more likely to have these kinds of people, just that I suspect that these kinds of people are more of a problem there, because they're harder to ignore.

I agree that it's a stupid reason to get mad at you, but as you say, ultimately it's up to them. I hope they respond better than you predict, but if they don't, at some point you need to just walk away and let it be. You can't fix other people, and you have a responsibility to yourself and your family to not put up with abuse. It's one thing for a friend to be disappointed when you have something they want. It's another thing when friends "punish" you for not doing what you want by getting all huffy and doing the guilt routine.

Where a friend crosses the line from being a frustrated human to being an abusive one can be debated, but all you have to figure out is where the line is between what you can put up with and be healthy, and what you have to walk away from or fight. Obviously you'd rather not have these friends upset with you, and I hope they take it well, but you never know. It may be that these friends are more wearing on a daily basis than you realize, and a chilling of the relationship would free you of a lot of ongoing stress.

 

[ToddyLu]

I can't help but feel sorry for your friend. They don't travel alone themselves, don't drive and are negative about other things. Talk about a Spiritual Vampire I got depressed just reading about this. Stick to your guns and tell them that if they can't be happy for you then that is there problem.

Phone call

Them: so what have you been up to
You: planning a family vacation
Them: You weren't going to tell me that you were planning on going to Disney?? (or variation there of)
You: It is a family vacation.
Them: But I thought I could go the next time you went.
You: This is our FAMILY'S vacation and we are going by ourselves.
Them: silent treatment
You: relief that you got it out in the open and when they start to complain, just remind them...I thought we were friend and you would be happy for me>>>ball is in their court.

You need to practice that....why can't you tell them how they make you feel if they keep at it. My Mother is a passive-aggressive person and sweet as can be to everyone...but she never allowed my brother and I to show anger or tell people how they made us feel. Maybe that is why he and I are both nurses so we could continue to be caretakers. To this day I let things build up until you really make me mad then I quietly write you off as a friend and you never hear from me again...but that doesn't make my reaction right, does it.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I am sorry. This is a bad situation.

We had friends travel with us 4 years ago. It sounded like a good idea at the time. It was incredibly stressful and there is NO WAY I would want to do it again.

Last year as we were planning the same friends announced they would come with us. I nearly choked. Had I realized they were going to invite themselves I never would have mentioned it! Luckily they never did book. I think I must have had a look on my face when they said they were going to come along.

This year I have been very careful not to mention the trip or post lots of details about it on FaceBook. Hopefully we are close enough to departure now that they wouldn't try to come along, but better safe than sorry!

 

[Evi]

I wouldn't stress it let them know how you vacation and that this is a family vacation. If friend still want to come make sure she knows you do not plan to spend everyday with her and that your family comes first. I'd offer to do a weekend away with her that would suit yours and her tastes more.

 

[cm8]

Go and have a great time, stop stressing over what they will think . This trip is about you and yours and not them.

 

[WDWCNY]

I was shocked to read your problem and can not imagine having someone invite themselves on one of my trips to Disney.

But you might have a few things that can work for you.

1) You said that you are staying off site and that they would want to stay with you. Explain to them that you do not have the room for them to stay with you and that they would need to find other accomidations at possibly at a Dinsey Resort. (this is to go along with next part)

2) You also mentioned that they don't drive. There is not reason for them to drive even if they did. If they fly into Orlando they can take ME to the resort and then use the Bus transportation to the parks.

You could explain that this way it would give them the full Disney experience and they could do parks at their own speed. Then give them the option to meet up with your family a couple times during the trip.

 

[lizerbug]

I'm afraid I just don't understand what the big deal is. I would have no problem saying "my husband and I discussed it and WE decided that this is our family time. it will be too stressful to travel with other people and it's something we don't want to deal with". And that's it. Period. End of story. I go out of my way not to offend people but if they don't treat me with the same respect, all bets are off. It's your life, your family, your vacation...........YOUR DECISION. And their reaction to your decision is their problem. Don't let it be yours.............. You're letting yourself get stressed out for nothing. It's really not worth it.

 

[taylor3297]

If you don't want them to go, then tell them so. If they can't handle it, then they really aren't your friends.

On our next trip we do have friends who are going with us. They booked their own room (staying at the same resort), they are responsible for booking their flights.

Next month we will be sitting down and planning our ADR's. I have already told them that we don't have to eat every TS together. Also, I have told them that if they are planning to go with us places, that if they aren't on time, we will leave without them (Also if we aren't on time, they are more than welcome to leave without us). They can always try to catch up with us later.

 

[weezy26nm]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. So far it hasn't really come up. I don't see or talk to them every day, so that has made it easier. But when the time comes I will be telling them that there is no room at our condo or in the rental car. If they get mad then it will have to be their problem. I am too excited for this trip to let anyone or anything ruin it. Thanks again everybody for having my back.

 

[lizerbug]

You'll do fine Have a great trip!

 

[2binak]

I am going to roll with this poster. Offer to help them get a room somewhere (and it does not have to be where you stay), get airfare and park passes. Then give them a planning book and have them plan their days. They will be newbies so they will want to tour differently than you. You can meet up from time to time if they want to. Just say we will be here at this time and we will be on a schedule that we are going to stick to. They can join you and then leave when they get tired.

I think this is your only other option other than telling them you do not want them to come along. Or if you try to help them go and they insist on doing everything with you then say no, you are going on a family vacation and need your family time. Take your offer to help them get started and leave the rest to them or you will not be offering to help.

Good luck!!!

We tried this approach with family members who invited themselves along on our first family trip with our DD...it didn't work so well. They arrived at the parks, called DH to find out where we were, met up with us and then started asking me "So, what ride are we going on next?" "Where are we going now?" "Where are we going to eat?" Thank goodness for the BabyCare Centers and the "the baby has to go back to the resort to nap" excuse. Even DH got tired of it after a couple of days and my DH is as laid back of a saint of a man as you will ever meet, but these people (his family members) even pushed him over the edge at times.

OP - if it comes up, tell them the truth. The vacation is for your family and that you'd be happy to help them plan a vacation at a different time.

 

[Looking4themouse]

Let me give you the short story of what happened the last time I had some unintended guests on one of my trips. First my boyfriend at the time invited them not me, and the weasel wasn't even going himself. My best friend, who was invited, got her brand new wheelchair run over by a mack truck, we had to wait for someone to bring another to us on the road. In the meanwhile the rental car's battery died because I left the electric cooler plugged in while I waited. Someone in our group wrote a bad check at a hotel we were staying at, threw most of our camping equipment out on us while I was calling his mother on the phone to get her to pick him up, tried to kidnap my son and steal someone's bike, the police were called and that individual was arrested, and sent on a bus back to NH. Other's in our group complained how long it took for me to drive down there, get us to the parks and back to our campground, never paid me a cent for their share of the trip, the only thing they paid for was their tickets into the park. My bff feet got severely bitten by red ants and the last night we were there I spent in the ER with her the entire night, and had to drive back to NH with no sleep, I was the only driver and drove for 24 hrs straight through on the way back, as I had to rent a car to fit all my "friends" in and it was due back the next day.
Now I know this was extreme, and it was when I was much younger, Ive certainly learned my lessons, on who to invite and not to invite on trips. However, if you really don't want these people to go just say very nicely "Gee, I would love for you to go but you know how hectic regular life can be and I really feel that this is time for me to spend with my family alone. It will allow us a chance to catch up a bit as we will finally be able to slow down from real life. Maybe we can plan a trip together sometime in the near future."

 

[lawone]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. So far it hasn't really come up. I don't see or talk to them every day, so that has made it easier. But when the time comes I will be telling them that there is no room at our condo or in the rental car. If they get mad then it will have to be their problem. I am too excited for this trip to let anyone or anything ruin it. Thanks again everybody for having my back.

Good for you. People should be responsible for THEIR OWN happiness--- which is what you are doing for YOUR family. While the situation may be sticky this time it may help you in the future.