HELP! Wife doesn't understand my solo trips - insecure and thinks I'm meeting women there!

[TheDisneyManDan]

Hi there! I am soooo glad I found this place! I'm loving the Disboards so far, so much great info!! Thanks for taking the time to read this in advance - it's a long twisted tale. Probably much different then a lot of the regular posts I really appreciate some feedback on my stressful situation!

So I have an issue and feel a little crazy that I even have to ask some other like minded folks. I figure who better to get some opinions from then Disney fans! So here's the situation. I'm the biggest Disney fan in our family (between my DW and 2 kids - 10 and 12) We go on trips to Disneyland several times through the year sometimes just 2 days, other times we'll be around for 5 or 6 days. We've had annual passes for several years. Usually just the socal select. We aren't quite locals - we live a few hours from the park so it's not like we can just drop in easily. I've been going to Disneyland since I was 5 years old and when I turned 18 I got a Disney character tattoo. It's discrete and the only tattoo I ever had done. That's how much a fan I am. So I have a long long history with Disney as a 40 year old.

For a couple of years now my job started bringing me down to the LA Basin area and OC for work. I'm usually only down for 1-3 nights and at some point I decided that driving over to Disneyland and taking advantage of my AP would be more fun then sitting in the lounge in the hotel or watching something on Netflix. So started my solo trips to Disneyland. It was strange to me at first, felt a little awkward just because I'm a grown man going to Disneyland by himself! But it was only for a few hours after I was done with work.

It didn't take many ventures into the park to become comfortable though. I love taking photos and just enjoying the park atmosphere. Maybe grab a cocktail in DCA or just waiting in a single rider line for an attraction. It definitely was more enjoyable then spending the evening stuck in a hotel!

So fast forward a while to last year. My wife was planning a few weeks with the kids over summer with her mom out of state which she did almost every every year. I had one of my work trips scheduled over the time she would be gone. And since I was scheduled to come home on a Friday night I thought it would be fun to spend a couple extra nights down south and spend a full Saturday at Disneyland. I always wanted to spend a full day from rope drop to park close and I saw this as a great opportunity to do just that! Besides, with the wife and kids gone I would be leaving Orange County going back home to an empty house. I found a cheap hotel in the area - about $100/night) and booked it. It was fully refundable but didn't want to lose the deal. So shortly after I booked it I called my DW to tell her I was planning to stay a couple extra nights this next trip. And let her know that I could call back to cancel if I needed to. She wasn't too impressed but told me to go ahead, she would be gone anyway. Money was not an issue but she was upset that I booked it without talking to her first. And also I was somewhat in the doghouse because I had upgraded my AP earlier in the year to a premier pass without talking to her first. Again, money isn't an issue here, I support us very comfortably and the cost of these things isn't a big deal at all.

Basically my wife was very upset about me booking a trip in a hotel to go to Disneyland by myself. Since I've been traveling for work various places for 15 years on a regular basis I don't know why this was different but it was to her. I stay in a hotel dozens of times through the year for work by myself. For some reason she was upset that I was staying for personal reasons. Later it came out that she in a nutshell can't understand or accept that I could possibly just want to visit Disneyland by myself. She had in in her head that I HAD to be meeting someone!! And it didn't help that she discussed it with her girlfriends and they all put that idea in her head (because naturally they don't understand either and think the only reason I would go to Disneyland is to meet someone!) It's very unlike her to be so insecure! She isn't ever that way but for some reason she thinks maybe I want to meet someone that loves Disney like I do. Which is crazy!! I have never given her any reason to think I would do anything like that, never! So for me it was without basis. And from my perspective if I wanted to meet someone, there would be much better more discreet ways to do it. If that's what I wanted to do I travel for work regularly and wouldn't it be easier to sit at the hotel bar trolling for girls, lol? It seemed a little backwards to me that she never has been insecure or suspicious until I started going to DLR by myself...

It caused a big blowout, I mean big. It was to the point where she thought we needed to see a therapist because she was convinced by her friends that I must have gone to Disneyland to cheat on her! But we did talk through it a lot for quite a while and we worked it out (so I thought). After explaining to her dozens of times the reality of the situation she seemed to accept that I wasn't a dog and wasn't meeting anyone. Things have been great since! We've been back to Disneyland as a family a few times. And I really thought she was back to being okay... Then last week I was traveling for work down to the OC area. I mentioned to her I was planning on going to the park one or 2 nights. I wasn't keeping any secrets and she didn't say anything negative about the prospect of me going. I honestly thought she was past it and felt okay again. This was 8 months or so after my solo overnight trip and was the first time I was back in the area and was planning on going to the park alone. I went for a few hours after work the first day like normal. Took a bunch of photos, had a bite to eat and rode a couple of attractions. I was texting her through the night and even talked to the kids while I was there. I do miss them when I'm there alone. As much as I can enjoy the park by myself, I always would prefer to be there with my family So after a few hours I was tired and walked back to the hotel. I got on the phone with my wife for what ended up being a 2 hour 'discussion'. Apparently her feelings of insecurity all came back. She talked to friends that day/night who again suggested I must be meeting someone there. Which really really upsets me, I mean how dare they suggest that! So that was not helping her frame of mind. But she was upset enough where I 'volunteered' that I wouldn't go back to the park for the rest of my trip and we obviously had to work through this so she wasn't so insecure and figure out where this is coming from. Because I need to move past this. To say the least I was quite disappointed that I spent the next 2 evenings staying put in the hotel. With Disneyland only a mile away I sat in the hotel, ate there, had a couple of drinks and just kept it low key to ease my wife's insecurities.

So I have a wife who already thinks I'm a little wacky for going to Disneyland by myself. She has friends feeding this insecurity by asking her who am I meeting there? To me it's all totally crazy and unfounded! I have never and would never do anything like that. And my only mistakes were not talking to her in advance about my booking a hotel (which easily could have been cancelled) and my AP upgrade. But my visits to Disneyland are completely, 100% innocent! Either I'm off my rocker or she is a little.

I feel like a freak because I have a life long love of Disney with a spouse who can't understand it and wrap her head around it at all. To her, it's stressful to be at Disneyland. it's not enjoyable like it is for me. She likes our Disney vacations, don't get me wrong but if it weren't for the kids I'm not sure she would ever want to go there. Her friends feel the same way so they keep feeding this thought that if they don't understand it there must be something wrong or there must be an ulterior motive. The whole basis of her insecurity (I think) stems from her not being able to wrap her head around me actually wanting to go to Disneyland solo. she just can't accept that I'm not meeting someone and I'm enjoying time alone. I suppose it's like me trying to understand how she can enjoy shopping for hours and hours but may not actually purchase anything. Sounds like torture to me.

So am I a freak?? Do I need serious mental help? I don't expect she would ever have the same appreciation for it like I do but am I way off in thinking it shouldn't be a big deal for me to go when I'm traveling in the area? The only time I've ever gone to DL solo is when either a) I'm already in the vicinity for work anyway or b) the one time I stayed in the area after a work trip when she was out of state. So it's not like I'm completely obsessed with going there alone. When I don't work in the area I don't go. If my work stopped sending me there for travel I wouldn't go. In all honesty I think we are going to have to talk to a therapist to work through this. I think right now the only satisfactory thing for her would be if I never walked into Disneyland by myself. I guess I just don't think that's right or even rational. If it came down to that I would do it for her of course. But I have to be honest, it would be very very disappointing for me if it came to that.

Thank you!
Dan

 

[ars0525]

Is there anyway she can ever go with you on these little work trips? It may ease her mind to see you really do just go to the parks. Alone. And like it. I have an AP & took solo trips, but not yet while I've been in a relationship (he loves going too). You really can just sit back & enjoy the parks which is no different than sitting at your hotel. It's not like it's really costing you anything extra since you paid for the AP. Or keeping any of it a secret. From what you've said (which I recognize is only your version) you haven't been acting shady which would be my first trigger.

Personally I would be much happier if my SO was at Disney (even without me) than sitting in some random bar or hotel lobby bar. Sorry to be stereotyping, but I don't think good things happen when people are on the road with too much free time.

As for her friends...wow. I'd be real tempted to tell her to stop the oversharing with her friends who are feeding into the craziness, but that is hard since they are her friends. Do they have troubled relationships or insecurities they are pushing onto your wife? I actually stopped speaking to a guy friend last year cause his GF & her friends started acting all very insecure & high school so I understand what you mean about her friends "feeding the frenzy". Not sure what you can really do about them unless she realizes they are the ones creating the mountain out of the molehill. I'd be curious how the therapist tells her to handle them?

I'm sorry. I love Disney, but I don't think it's worth divorcing over. Although it makes one wonder if there are other issues that perhaps you aren't even aware of that are triggering her response?

ETA--do you ever have co-workers on these trips also? Not they need to "report" your whereabouts, but I don't know... Truthfully I don't think somebody would go to Disney for a romantic rendezvous if they are going to cheat, but I guess I don't think that way either.

 

[TheDisneyManDan]

Is there anyway she can ever go with you on these little work trips? It may ease her mind to see you really do just go to the parks. Alone. And like it. I have an AP & took solo trips, but not yet while I've been in a relationship (he loves going too). You really can just sit back & enjoy the parks which is no different than sitting at your hotel. It's not like it's really costing you anything extra since you paid for the AP. Or keeping any of it a secret. From what you've said (which I recognize is only your version) you haven't been acting shady which would be my first trigger.

It would be very difficult for my wife to travel with me. The logistics of my travel would make it pretty hard to share a vehicle (I'm traveling to multiple offices, sometimes I'll check out of a hotel and end up in a different area of town after several other office visits that day). Not to mention handling the kids My wife and I have taken our own solo trips without the kids. We were down in the area for an appointment so we decided to go in for a half day. We have fun and enjoy similar things. I am very open (I have nothing to hide) about what I'm doing. Even explaining what I did, when I did it and where I was. Showing off the photography I took. The only thing remotely 'shady' was not telling her before I pulled the trigger that I upgraded my AP to premium last year.

Personally I would be much happier if my SO was at Disney (even without me) than sitting in some random bar or hotel lobby bar. Sorry to be stereotyping, but I don't think good things happen when people are on the road with too much free time.

Thank you for the response! I agree with the hotel opinion! I hate to stereotype as well but I think there is much more possible 'trouble' unintended or otherwise hanging out in the lounge of a hotel and drinking (where people are regularly traveling often by themselves and have a room with a bed a few steps away)! I think it's boring anyway. When I travel to the central coast I don't have Disneyland but I'll spend hours out on the beach walking for miles on the coastline for the same reason. It's more fun to enjoy the scenery then sit in the hotel. Or find a restaurant overlooking the ocean. I almost have to laugh if it wasn't so upsetting because I think of all the things a guy could be doing while traveling (going out to clubs, bars, strip clubs, etc, etc). There is almost nothing more innocent I could think of then going to Disneyland vs almost any other activity.

As for her friends...wow. I'd be real tempted to tell her to stop the oversharing with her friends who are feeding into the craziness, but that is hard since they are her friends. Do they have troubled relationships or insecurities they are pushing onto your wife? I actually stopped speaking to a guy friend last year cause his GF & her friends started acting all very insecure & high school so I understand what you mean about her friends "feeding the frenzy". Not sure what you can really do about them unless she realizes they are the ones creating the mountain out of the molehill. I'd be curious how the therapist tells her to handle them?

I don't know all the issues her friends have but my only thought is truly is comes down to not understanding. They, like my wife, cannot imagine why anyone would want to go to Disneyland alone. Especially a guy. I'm not into any sports or typical 'manly' past times (which I bet wouldn't raise any issues). But since they can't wrap their heads around why I would go to Disneyland alone it's the only thing that makes sense to them. They think its just for little kids and families so there has to be something fishy or wrong about a grown man going by himself.

I'm sorry. I love Disney, but I don't think it's worth divorcing over. Although it makes one wonder if there are other issues that perhaps you aren't even aware of that are triggering her response?

You are right there! I do love Disney but love my DW and family more. Divorce is never an option for me, not even a bit. I want more then anything to figure this out and be able to really move past it and know she won't worry or have any insecurities. I'm just perplexed about why this triggers these insecurities. There has never been another activity, trip or anything where she has gone 'off the rails' like this. The day after my last few hours in DLR solo she called me I remember and told me she knew it was irrational and she wasn't being fair... She actually told me I should go back the next day to the park. But I couldn't do that. She previously told me the same thing on my weekend trip there. She was very upset after I spent Friday night there. I was actually gearing up to leave

ETA--do you ever have co-workers on these trips also? Not they need to "report" your whereabouts, but I don't know... Truthfully I don't think somebody would go to Disney for a romantic rendezvous if they are going to cheat, but I guess I don't think that way either.

No, I travel alone when I go. Right DLR is not the first, second or even last place I think of for a rendezvous. I don't think that way either. Doesn't make sense to me

 

[Sona99]

Your wife has trust issues. If it's not Disney it'll be something else. Therapy is the best course of action.

 

[ajrwdwgirl]

I don't think it is strange at all that you would take solo time, either on business or extending a business trip (especially if no one is home anyway) to go to Disneyland. From your account you are a Disney fan and have been for many year, it would make sense that you would want to spend time at Disneyland. It isn't like this is a new thing for you to do or like. If it popped up suddenly maybe there would be cause for concern.

In my opinion you should be free to visit as much as you want as long as: A: it isn't creating a economic hardship and B. you aren't completely abandoning your family, and it sounds like neither of those is going on. I don't know you or your wife, but it does seem like the insecurity is stemming from something and maybe visiting a counselor would be the way to deal with it. You shouldn't have to get up something that you have loved since a child because of her unfounded reasoning that you are meeting someone when you aren't. Good luck! I hope it all works out for you.

 

[LaurenT]

Ok ... The first thing - you're really not going to get an objective view on whether you're a little off your rocker for going alone by asking on the solo travelers sextion of a Disney fan site!
Having said that, my own husband (who comes with me and our dd at least once a year but never stays in the park very long), understands that it's my happy place and actually just gave me my second solo trip as a christmas present. But we're also older - 51 and 60 and he knows that I'm not into cheating.
You could show her this site so that she can see there are people discussing the ins and outs of solo trips without mention of cheating on their spouses .... But I also think, if she asked for the two of you to see a therapist, you should do it. You may also want to give up solo trips unless and until she decides on her own that she's comfortable with you going.
Buying the AP upgrade and booking the hotel without discussion is something that would probably irk me too. It's not about the money, it's about my DH and I being a team and making decisions together ....

 

[missbrooke06]

So we always put our best selves out there. And in your post, you mentioned two instances of delayed honesty/lack of honesty (upgrading your pass and booking the hotel).

Go to therapy with your wife. It will help. I think she is insecure but you are unintentionally feeding into that (or maybe intentionally... you told us a couple times you're the breadwinner).

 

[spiceycat]

since I have single all my life - maybe not the best person to ask - but lots of times when someone is accusing someone else of wrong doing - it is because they are the ones who are cheating.

definitely do therapy with her. Hopefully it will help. although be prepared for it not to work. She has problems.

peaking of when you are at home. Do you help her with cleaning and the kids? Do you give her the right out solo while you stay with the kids?

 

[Stacy's a freak]

I traveled to WDW solo quite a bit when I was a singleton. Now that I'm married, I don't think I would do it because it would be more fun with him. My husband is OK with Disney but certainly NOT a nut like me. But if I wanted to go he would go and likely enjoy it but not as much as me and that's OK. This is no different than me going to one of his heavy metal-type concerts - we compromise. Now if DH purposefully bought himself a single ticket to see MegaFingerDeathPunch or whatever I would be, at the least, annoyed. It's not about the money, it's about purposely making plans without the spouse. If he first talked to me and said "hey honey, MegaFingerDeathPunch will be in [City] when I'm there for work and I want to go to that concert. Are you cool if I go alone? Or do you want to travel there and come too if grandma can take the kids for a night?". This would mean that I was at least thought of even if the circumstances for me going were slim-to-none. But just assuming that I wouldn't/can't go and making plans completely without talking to me would show me that he didn't take me into account at all. This is bad.

 

[georgina]

I agree with Sona99, it sounds like a trust issue. She needs to stop listening to her friends over you. If you give in and stop going it will cause resentment over time. Good luck and I hope therapy helps.

We are empty nesters, but when DH goes on scuba trips I have started to do my own things, usually involving Orlando. He's not as much of a theme park fan as I am, so we are both happy with this arrangement.

 

[MMS1125]

Have you two been to Disney alone without kids before? There's a big difference in an adult trip and a family trip. Perhaps if she sees you in "your element" so to speak she'd understand better. I'd be a bit concerned that she's all of a sudden so insecure and worried you're meeting somebody though. Like previously mentioned sometimes that's guilt talking.

p.s. she needs new friends. Friendship is supposed to support and encourage not place crazy ideas in her head. I'm a woman I know how catty and ridiculous we can be sometimes but still don't feed your friends BS

 

[Pix]

Ok ... The first thing - you're really not going to get an objective view on whether you're a little off your rocker for going alone by asking on the solo travelers sextion of a Disney fan site!

I'm sorry, but that strikes me as a very amusing Freudian typo.

OP, your wife has admitted she's being irrational. You've mentioned therapy. Is she willing to go to work through this issue? I can certainly understand why you'd be frustrated, but if she is normally a rational person, she's probably frustrating herself too. There are times in our lives when our emotions win out over logic and "getting over it" is not easy no matter what our brain tells us. And it can be SO annoying to be stuck in that place.

Someone mentioned that stopping your solo trips may cause resentment over time. I agree. But if she is willing to talk to someone and try to figure out what is going on and how to deal with it, I would suggest you at least offer to stop the solo trips for a little while, while she works through it. It's just one way to show her that she comes first and you know she's trying and you are ready to help her through it.

 

[BlueDog]

There are all kinds of possibilities here. Maybe you're not telling us the whole story (impossible to do in one post anyway). Maybe your wife is sort of crazy and paranoid. But the one given I can see here is that she's feeling insecure in your relationship, whether for good reason or not. You have issues and they should probably be addressed in some sort of marital therapy. Find out why she would doubt you and, perhaps, learn to recognize where you may have withdrawn from the relationship to a greater or lesser extent. This is likely about more than just a solo Disney trip.

 

[madonniac]

perhaps because you weren't up front with her about it initially. If my husband owns up to something after the fact, I get suspicious. No matter how secure a woman is, girlfriends and distance can always up the insecurity ideas 100%. And I'm not a girlie girl, I have very few close female friends, just knowing that others share the same worries is disconcerting.

If it were me, I'd get all the bills, tally them up and prove that it's just you. If you were meeting someone, would they really pay for everything?

 

[TheDisneyManDan]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment! Obviously things were a little fresh at the time I posted. Things have calmed down but we are still planning to see a therapist and talk more through this. It's just odd to me this is something that we have to work through at all. I imagine it would be like working through me wanting to golf and her being insecure about that... But I am 100% on board for talking to someone if it helps her and really both of us out.

There isn't anything else to the story really and that's partly why I'm so perplexed. It's so unlike her to be insecure at all and of all the things she could be somewhat reasonably concerned with (such as the previously mentioned travelling for work and staying in hotels for 15+ years) There has never been one ounce of worry about me staying in hotels by myself. I've never cheated, never would and have frankly never given any reason for her to think I would.

After talking to her a little more as some time has passed it seems some of this stems from the fact that Disney is my happy place and since she doesn't have the same passion that I do for things Disney she has a thought that means I would want to find someone else to enjoy that with. Another Disney-super-fan. I was thinking that if my wife told me I couldn't golf (or fill in the activity) and that's what I loved to do I would be pretty upset. I think most men (or women) would be. If she was worried without cause that I was going to be teamed up with a lady golfer or have drinks at the clubhouse with women. And that maybe I'll want to run off with a woman that loves golf because my wife doesn't that wouldn't be very reasonable, would it?

At the end of the day my marriage is of course more important to me then a few hours at Disneyland while I'm traveling for work. I will not be planning anything for some time regardless of whether or not I'm traveling close to the park. But I do hope we can work through this and in time she'll understand that it's okay for me to have my own interests and it doesn't mean I don't love her or want to be with someone else.

Thanks again, I appreciate everyone's comments and opinions! Hopefully I'll have some happy news to report down the road. All you need is faith and trust...

 

[TheDisneyManDan]

since I have single all my life - maybe not the best person to ask - but lots of times when someone is accusing someone else of wrong doing - it is because they are the ones who are cheating.

definitely do therapy with her. Hopefully it will help. although be prepared for it not to work. She has problems.

peaking of when you are at home. Do you help her with cleaning and the kids? Do you give her the right out solo while you stay with the kids?

Yes! I am home most days by 4:30. I prepare most dinners do almost all the grocery shopping, handle bedtime routines with the kids daily and am involved with running them around to activities. I consider myself to be a very present and active father and husband I don't really have time for any personal activities and o be honest it suits me fine right now. I'm enjoying the time with my kids while they're young! I know it won't last. And yes of course, she always can go out. For at least 8 years now she's gone on 1 or more weekend trip a year meeting girlfriends out of town. I don't think I've ever said no if she wanted to go out while I stayed home with the kids, be that for an evening or an entire weekend. In fact she's going out of town for a bachelorette party in a couple of months. I don't think I've ever considered saying no, unless there was a schedule conflict. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a little piece of me that was concerned from time to time. But I know that's in my head and I can't or wouldn't tell her to not do something just because I had some moment of unjustified insecurity.

 

[Lothlórien]

This is not a Disney issue, it is a trust issue. Regardless of where you were spending your work time, she would think that. I really hope that you two can talk to somebody...a pastor, a counselor, etc and get it worked out.

 

[Marlyn]

I agree with everyone that said its a trust issue for sure. Maybe couples counselling would help. Would she feel equally as concerned if you went off fishing on your own? Or on a golf trip alone? Does your wife ever go away to do something without you?

It's not unusual for a couple to have differing interests. I have never been to Disney with my husband. I started going with my boys when they were 5. I was a single mom and met my current husband when my boys were 11. I have continued my disney trips without him. Luckily I've had my boys to go with, but I would go alone if the opportunity rose. He has no interest whatsoever in even going to Disney. He has never been....never! He knows it means a lot to me, although he can't understand why. He never complains about me going. He trusts me.

 

[halfpintpeggy]

You shouldn't be placing any blame upon your wife's friends for "putting these ideas in her head." She's obviously gabbing to her friends about how much she's annoyed by you going to DL solo. If I were in your wife's shoes, I'd be pissed you didn't discuss the AP & the hotel booking with me ahead of time - I think that is just common courtesy. It's understandable, since you've been going to DL for 35 years, that it is a comfortable & happy place for you. Don't delay getting counseling, I have a feeling that your wife's aversion to your solo DL trips probably has more to do with your work travels than anything else. She might not even be totally aware that your work trips bother her. Best wishes & remember...happy wife, happy life!