Help settle a debate

[MushyMushy]

Help settle a debate.

There's a female acquaintance who persistently and blatantly flirts with married men. Very over the top with it. She's known to have all out affairs with married men. Makes some of the men uncomfortable, ticks the women off. One of the men told her nicely that it made him AND his wife uncomfortable, so now she just waits til the wife's back is turned to come talk to the husband.

Here's the debate:

A couple of the people feel that it is up to the man at that point to let her know in no uncertain terms to back off, even if it means being harsh and hurting her feelings. Others in the group feel that now the wife should intervene and have a come to Jesus meeting with the woman. Avoiding her is out of the question in certain situations, though she is not included in any of the social outings.

Of the two scenarios, which one do you agree with?

 

[golfgal]

Well, I see both sides as being right, the men should have a talk with her and then the women but quite frankly, it isn't going to do any good what so ever. In this situation I would just walk away from her if she approached me and/or my DH and ignore her.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Help settle a debate.

There's a female acquaintance who persistently and blatantly flirts with married men. Very over the top with it. She's known to have all out affairs with married men. Makes some of the men uncomfortable, ticks the women off. One of the men told her nicely that it made him AND his wife uncomfortable, so now she just waits til the wife's back is turned to come talk to the husband.

Here's the debate:

A couple of the people feel that it is up to the man at that point to let her know in no uncertain terms to back off, even if it means being harsh and hurting her feelings. Others in the group feel that now the wife should intervene and have a come to Jesus meeting with the woman. Avoiding her is out of the question in certain situations, though she is not included in any of the social outings.

Of the two scenarios, which one do you agree with?

Of the 2 scenarios, I would think that the man telling her to back off would have more influence. A woman speaking to another woman about backing away from "her man" wouldn't be as effective, IMO, because she would come off as catty and jealous. Can they sit down with her together as a united front?

 

[Rora]

I think both scenarios need to happen to be honest...

Women like this drive me insane!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

As a man, I would tell her, in front of my wife, that I appreciate her flattery, but that I would prefer that she focus her attention elsewhere. I would be very kind, but also very firm. If that were not enough, I would simply tell my wife that we were no longer going to socialize with the tramp.

I would never ask my wife to fight any of my battles, nor am I my wife's property to be defended against "invasion". Frankly, I would be concerned if my wife felt the need to intervene.

If you are the wife in this situation, you need to trust your husband to say/do the right thing. If you can't, the tramp isn't your problem.

 

[MerMom60_94]

As odd as this sounds, if the wife has a "come to Jesus" talk with this woman it may have the opposite effect from what is intended. This woman may welcome the challenge, if you know what I mean. I think the man should send this woman a clear message regardless of whether it hurts the woman's feelings.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The person being flirted with (regardless of their gender) is the one who needs to put a stop to it. In this case it means the man needs to tell this other woman to back off.
He should do so nicely and privately first--which it sounds like he already has; though I feel it would have been better not to say how his wife feels about it and to have kept it that HE does not welcome the attention (saying the wife is also uncomfortable COULD give someone like that the impression that the husband actually would like the attention if his wife were not upset and inadvertently spur the woman on). Followed by clearly no matter how harsh it comes off and if that still does not work he can repeat something simple, along the lines of what DisneyBamaFan said, as often as needed ANY time she continues to flirt with him and if that is in front of others so be it.

 

[Arielle22]

I think the man should have the discussion. If the wife talks to the woman then the woman will think the wife is threatened and she has a chance with the husband.

After the husband has a talk, if she keeps it up I vote for walking away from her at gatherings. No need to be rude, just a simple excuse me and leave.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think the man should have the talk with her and should do so in front of his wife. Then, I think anytime the woman *waits til the wife's back is turned* to approach the man, he should repeat the same speech to her and ignore her if she doesn't get it.

If the man says one thing in front of his wife and then when her back is turned, engages the woman in anyway, he is sending her mixed messages and that is what is happening in your OP, IMHO.

 

[bgirldeb]

I agree that the wife should not be involved in telling the flirt to back off. Obviously the flirt doesn't care about the wife's feelings anyway, and they may like the challenge if confronted by the wife.

 

[MushyMushy]

The person being flirted with (regardless of their gender) is the one who needs to put a stop to it. In this case it means the man needs to tell this other woman to back off.
He should do so nicely and privately first--which it sounds like he already has; though I feel it would have been better not to say how his wife feels about it and to have kept it that HE does not welcome the attention. Followed by clearly no matter how harsh it comes off and if that still does not work he can repeat something simple, along the lines of what DisneyBamaFan said, as often as needed ANY time she continues to flirt with him and if that is in front of others so be it.

This is exactly my side of the debate. Whoever is the one being flirted with or put on the spot should put a stop to it.

I think if the partner were to do it, it could be interpreted as simple jealousy and cattiness. Like another poster said, that can always backfire and seem like a challenge!

Our group is pretty much split 50-50 on the issue.

 

[lovemygoofy]

This is exactly my side of the debate. Whoever is the one being flirted with or put on the spot should put a stop to it.

I think if the partner were to do it, it could be interpreted as simple jealousy and cattiness. Like another poster said, that can always backfire and seem like a challenge!

Our group is pretty much split 50-50 on the issue.

I get alot of people confused on here but didn't you have the friend that flirted with married men and stuff? Is this the same friend??

I'm suprised so many people would put up with this in your group of friends. I just don't put up with that in other people men or women. I simply cut the ties because that person doesn't hold the same things important that I do like relationships and respect.

I guess my big issue is that this person is in your circle but lacks respect for those in your circle. Why keep that person in your circle? Of course the husband should tell her to backoff in a not so nice way, which will still make him a big challenge I'm sure, but I've no doubt as a couple we would just start limiting our time with this circle of friends.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Our group is pretty much split 50-50 on the issue.

How many in your "group" are men?

 

[Explodo]

Tha man needs to stop it. He's the one that is the center of attention, if he says nothing, the flirt will take this as a signal that he enjoys the attention.

If the wife says something and the man doesn't, In most cases, the flirt will just see continued activity as a fun challenge...since the man obviously enjoys the attention.

The man can do this "Stop it" talk a couple of ways. He can tell her privately to cut it out (Which she'll most likely not heed) or he can do it publicly, thus emmbarrasing her (which works like a charm...the flirt is lacking self esteem in the first place)

I've actualy gone through this one, the private talk did nothing.

 

[Christine]

It is up to the man to tell her off as he is the one that is in her direct line of fire. One of this woman's goals is to probably irritate the wife, so IMO, the wife should not give ANY indication that this bothers her. Delusional women like this will generally think the man is being forced to put her off because of the wife. Even if the man tells her off, it may not work but it definitely won't work if the wife gets involved.

 

[Buckalew11]

You know, if your group is split 50-50 on this, someone is liking the attention and being flirted with, sorry.

 

[MushyMushy]

I get alot of people confused on here but didn't you have the friend that flirted with married men and stuff? Is this the same friend??

I'm suprised so many people would put up with this in your group of friends. I just don't put up with that in other people men or women. I simply cut the ties because that person doesn't hold the same things important that I do like relationships and respect.

I guess my big issue is that this person is in your circle but lacks respect for those in your circle. Why keep that person in your circle? Of course the husband should tell her to backoff in a not so nice way, which will still make him a big challenge I'm sure, but I've no doubt as a couple we would just start limiting our time with this circle of friends.

No, not the same person at all. Thankfully, that particular friend has worked through her issues and is on the path to sanity again!

This other person is a newer acquaintance and not part of the group. It's a small town and we run into her at social gatherings and events -- there's just no avoiding her. You're so right about the friendship though. When we first met her, we were all willing to bring her into the group and accept her as a friend until that behavior started. It's just not how we are, so none of us want to tolerate that.

How many in your "group" are men?

Good question! Maybe not quite half of the group is made up of men -- 5 men to 6 women. But I will say that the most vocal advocate for the wife speaking up is a single, professional, very well-regarded woman.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Good question! Maybe not quite half of the group is made up of men -- 5 men to 6 women. But I will say that the most vocal advocate for the wife speaking up is a single, professional, very well-regarded woman.

That makes sense, but sometimes we just need to trust our spouse. It does not make one less assertive to decide to let a family member fight their own battles. In fact, standing on the sidelines might take more courage than stepping in would require. IMO, stepping in makes the spouse (of either sex) seem weaker, not stronger.

It takes a strong person to trust their spouse to handle this type of situation. A man comes off as a "tough guy", and a woman comes off as catty - they both come off as jealous and untrusting.

 

[MushyMushy]

You know, if your group is split 50-50 on this, someone is liking the attention and being flirted with, sorry.

Oh no doubt! But after a while it did become a little bit too "Fatal Attraction" and some of the guys were obviously leery. One of the guys in our group is single and he physically leans away when this woman walks by because it's guaranteed she'll rub herself against him.

When you've got the single guys shying away, you know you've gone too far!

 

[Disney Doll]

If I am approached by a man with whom I wish to have no interaction, I tell him myself.

I see no need for my husband to step in. I also wouldn't think my husband would see a need to step in unless I was being threatened with physical harm...but a run of the mill "flirt"...nah...I can handle that myself.

So, in your scenario, I think the men who are being offended by this woman's overtures need to say "Please stay away from me. I have no desire to be involved with you in any way" and then they need to walk away and ignore her.

And they should only do this once. And then ignore her, all the time and never engage with her again. She is obviously mentally ill in this area of having a need to conquer someone else's man...probably a low self-esteem issue on her part so she feels like if she can steal a man away from his wife, she must be quite a gal! But behavior like this is stalker-like at its core and the way to handle a stalker is to state it once and never engage again. If the men ignore her 9 times and on the 10th time they react, it just teaches her that if she asks them 10 times, eventually they will talk to her.