Help..polite way of telling someone that my kid doesn't want to play with their kid

[kacaju]

UGH... We just got a call from a nice girl who is in 4th grade with my dd. They dance together. Other then that they have nothing in common and my dd really does not want to go over and play with her. The Mom came on the phone with me and I tried to be nice and say I was busy (which is true, I have a party for my teen and the repair man coming to put in a ice maker in my fridge) She was like... oh my dh is off, we can come get her. I told her I would call her back, since I could see my dd really didn't want to go, but being on the phone with the Mom I really couldnt ask my dd right then did she or did she not want to go over to play.
What can I say when i call her back?? She is trying to set up play dates with her 4th grader plus her 2nd graders so I need to call her soon!!
I don't want to be rude, yet I also dont want to make my 10 year old go someplace she doesnt want to go. plus since I have my older childs friends here I can't even control when I could pick her up.

 

[Kit'smommy]

When she calls, I would just politely tell the other mother that your daughter can't come over. You don't owe her an explanation.

If this keeps coming up, there isn't anything wrong with saying "listen your daugher is nice, but she and my daughter just have different interests."

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Tell her thanks anyway but you have other plans.

 

[MickeyShow]

I had a similar situation but DS is still young enough that I stay for the playdates. I liked the mother but he and her twins were obviously not a good match. I found that after a few times of having to politely decline the invitations stopped because she assumed I was pretty busy and no one's feelings seemed to get hurt (I still see her once in a while).

 

[kacaju]

thanks, I did just call her back and said that dd couldn't come over. She seemed fine and just said to call when there was a day free.

 

[3boymthr]

We had this situation happen with DS. Do make sure to tell her as PP mentioned that your DD doesn't want to get together with her DD as she might be calling all the time and you'll constantly be making excuses.

 

[LuvOrlando]

While being blunt would make it go away both you and your DD would then have an enemy, pretty much forever. These are young kids. What happens if one of your DD's upcoming favorite friends is good friends with this girl, or if this girl's Mom gets to be close friends with a parent in a clique your DD wants in on. Nothing good will come of it. My rule of thumb is never make an enemy when you can make an ally. No need to be harsh, just be busy when they ask but friendly when you cross paths. That right there is what 4 years in an all girls high school taught me.

 

[shortbun]

Tell her your daughter is feeling like a homebody today and doesn't want to leave home or play. It's vacation and you are honoring your daughter's right to say she doesn't want to do something. My son has rejected play dates all week in lieu of hanging with us and playing with his new stuff. There have been kids in and out but in general, he wants to fly solo. It's allowed.

 

[ZPT1022]

Tell her your daughter is feeling like a homebody today and doesn't want to leave home or play. It's vacation and you are honoring your daughter's right to say she doesn't want to do something. My son has rejected play dates all week in lieu of hanging with us and playing with his new stuff. There have been kids in and out but in general, he wants to fly solo. It's allowed.

I agree with this- I know that after all the excitement and traveling and everything else that happens around Christmas in our family, my kids truly do need a few days at home to decompress afterwards. I'd much rather them have a few lazy days around the house than to have them get sick (which is how we've spent so many holidays in the past). My kids are also having too much fun with their new toys and stuff to want to go too many places, so that wouldn't really be a lie if I told someone that.

Good luck, and who knows with preteen girls, next week they could be best buddies

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

While being blunt would make it go away both you and your DD would then have an enemy, pretty much forever. These are young kids. What happens if one of your DD's upcoming favorite friends is good friends with this girl, or if this girl's Mom gets to be close friends with a parent in a clique your DD wants in on. Nothing good will come of it. My rule of thumb is never make an enemy when you can make an ally. No need to be harsh, just be busy when they ask but friendly when you cross paths. That right there is what 4 years in an all girls high school taught me.

good advice!

 

[TinkInPink]

Has your DD ever been with her outside of dance? If not, she may have more in common that she thinks, or may have an interest that they haven't talked about in the limited time they're together at dance. I would have her go at least once, then access the situation. you could run to the store, drop her off on the way, and pick her up when you're done. then she could go for an hour or so and see if she has fun.

 

[RadioNate]

Has your DD ever been with her outside of dance? If not, she may have more in common that she thinks, or may have an interest that they haven't talked about in the limited time they're together at dance. I would have her go at least once, then access the situation. you could run to the store, drop her off on the way, and pick her up when you're done. then she could go for an hour or so and see if she has fun.

I agree. Why shoot down a new friend without even giving it a chance? Why are people so cliquey? How do you know there is nothing else in common? Make it a really short playtime and see if it is fun before judging.

It is ok if the DD just doesn't feel like playing today but to say "nah, I just don't want to be friends with her" seems a bit snooty. Assuming she is a normal nice girl as the OP said.

 

[pearlieq]

I agree. Why shoot down a new friend without even giving it a chance? Why are people so cliquey? How do you know there is nothing else in common? Make it a really short playtime and see if it is fun before judging.

I tend to agree with this. What's the harm in one short playdate? They'll either survive for an hour and learn how to get along or they might be surprised and find a new friend.

If a seemingly nice, normal person makes an overture, I think they should get a chance. One playdate is not a commitment to be life-long best friends.

 

[daisax]

I can't believe a 4th grader's mother is trying to set up a "play date." Doesn't that level of interference usually end by the time the kids are in all-day school and able to make their own friends through recess and lunch socializing?

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

I can't believe a 4th grader's mother is trying to set up a "play date." Doesn't that level of interference usually end by the time the kids are in all-day school and able to make their own friends through recess and lunch socializing?

No. In areas where travel is involved mothers do make arrangements.

 

[Christine]

I tend to agree with some of the other posters in that you should encourage at least one "playdate." When I read this thread earlier in the day I remember thinking: "these girls are in 4th grade and outside of dance they already know they don't have much in common???" I mean, it's not like they are 21 and their interests are all over the place. They are in 4th grade. Their interests are pretty narrow at this point and, these two, already have dance in common. Now, if they are worlds apart in maturity, then this might be another matter.

My feeling is, though, you can never have too many friends with varied interests. Why not encourage reaching out to others who might be a little different and see what develops? If she tries another time or two and she's still not interested then that would be another matter.

 

[mollay]

My mom always had me go through with my playdates; I think I was better off in the end, personally

One playdate won't hurt. They don't need to be best friends.

 

[mollay]

I can't believe a 4th grader's mother is trying to set up a "play date." Doesn't that level of interference usually end by the time the kids are in all-day school and able to make their own friends through recess and lunch socializing?

My mother set up a playdate with a girl on my 3rd grade softball team, and 11 years after that day, we're still best friends.
So, to answer your question, no.

 

[RadioNate]

I can't believe a 4th grader's mother is trying to set up a "play date." Doesn't that level of interference usually end by the time the kids are in all-day school and able to make their own friends through recess and lunch socializing?

Yes and no. The OP did say the girl called and then the mother got on the phone. That is pretty typical. I have a 3rd grader. He will call and invite the friend. Usually there is either a call back after they've talked to their parents or the parents hop on the phone to work out details (times, driving, meals, etc.)

 

[ZPT1022]

I can't believe a 4th grader's mother is trying to set up a "play date." Doesn't that level of interference usually end by the time the kids are in all-day school and able to make their own friends through recess and lunch socializing?

I think as long as the kids are not old enough to be alone and are dependent on the parents for transportation, it's normal enough that the moms should try to coordinate a time that works for both families. I know if my kids want to have playdates (kindergarten,kindergarten and 3rd grade) the moms will talk and try to set something up- we know the kids want to play together and when and for how long they can get together really depends on the parents'/families' availability. I don't expect my little kids to keep track of when I have appointments and what times would work for me for them to get together with their friends.

Not to mention, kids would gladly arrange things that are just not going to fly. Last year my brother moved in with a lady with a DD my DD's age. They had a lot of fun playing together on Christmas Eve and started talking on the phone. No problems there but they decided to make plans to get together- I'm thinking meet somewhere or play together at someone's house for the afternoon and they arranged a weeklong sleepover for the rest of Christmas break. Much easier to take five minutes and arrange something between the moms