Help needed for a punishment that fits the crime

[DVCJones]

Are we talking about a chocolate egg? Some of this punishment seems a little harsh for eating chocolate. I'd take both kids to the store, let younger DD pick out some special candy and have older DD pay for it with her own money. I'd also talk to older DD about trust and making choices.

Good advice.

I might also keep her from going to the party. She can think about "trust" and "choices" when she is sitting in her room when she should be at the party.

If you are worried about punishing the birthday girl, I would send a gift to the party.

 

[xkwisit]

One of our favorite punishment around this house is dictionary words. Although not a favorite among the kids. We give them a set number of words out of the dictionary, depending on the crime. They have to write the word, its definition & a corresponding sentence to each word no less than 6 words. Its tetious & time consuming for them but also educational. They hate dictionary words.

 

[disneystacy]

Here is what my punishment would be(I have 2 girls similar ages to yours):

1. Firm lecture about stealing and how it is unacceptable

2. No party

3. No soccer (lets face it, its fun, if she has to sit out a game for not attending practice too bad consequences are a important lesson)

4. She must apologize to little sister and promise to buy a new one when they are available.

My feeling is your daughter is still young, but it is a great opportunity to teach her about stealing. Trust me, I was a manger for Claires Stores once upon a time and would catch kids ages 12-16 every weekend stealing. Having to pick your daughter up from the police station is not something you want to do. Let her learn the lesson on your terms.

 

[rie'smom]

She didn't kill anyone, so the punishment of no party, no soccer, etc. is too harsh as is DD#2 taking something of her sisters and breaking it. If DD#1 has a favorite food that DD#2 wants that's different.

DD#1 needs to apologize.
DD#2 should do any chores required of DD#2 for 2 weeks. If there are no chores, then DD#1 is at DD#2's beck and call for 1 week.
I don't agree with DD#1 having to buy the special egg candy months from now. If DD#2 has a favorite candy then DD#1 could buy it soon. It should be settled ASAP and not brought up again in the future. That would just rile everyone again and serve no purpose.

You set up DD#1 tonight and that was not cool. You owe her an apology. I understand anger but this was not handled correctly. You should have just presented her with what you knew were the facts.

 

[becjlek]

I think that besides the punisment you decide on, maybe take her to a store to buy a special treat for her sister now. Waiting for several months is going to be hard on everyone.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I disagree with letting younger DD take something of older DD's...that's revenge, not restitution, and therefore teaching younger DD that revenge is the way to go. She did steal, but you are the parent and should administer the consequences, not younger DD. That being said, I do agree with the idea of taking them to the store and having younger DD pick a special treat and making older DD pay for it with her own money. No party on Saturday.

I agree with this.

 

[treehugnmama]

I disagree with letting younger DD take something of older DD's...that's revenge, not restitution, and therefore teaching younger DD that revenge is the way to go. She did steal, but you are the parent and should administer the consequences, not younger DD. That being said, I do agree with the idea of taking them to the store and having younger DD pick a special treat and making older DD pay for it with her own money. No party on Saturday.


IAGREE WITH ABOVE POSTER>>>WELL PUT

good luck

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Two problems:

She stole the item after being told no. That is theft. Plain and simple and must be punished.


The item is FOOD! It's very hard to punish for food without having some weird sort of connection that food is bad.

I would say perhaps go unconventional and do a character lesson with her (however it fits within your faith.)

Just my opinion. But it is a tough bind.

And quiet honestly--if the treat was tasty enough, punishing her from her phone or a party would have little impact.

I do like the suggestion of a two fold punishment of consequence (loss of privilege) coupled with restitution (allowance for a treat of your younger daughter's choice).

I was going to say get something out of her basket next year--but it is logical that that is a revenge and probably not appropriate.


FWIW--I don't think you overreacted in your update. It actually isn't good to outright accuse anyone of anything and you gave her an opportunity to confess and she chose to lie. The lecture was a bit ill timed--but it was good that you stopped and delayed what you will do.

Also it is important to not call a child a liar--but simply saying that you do not believe them. B/c they can still deny lying--but they can't control if you believe them or not.


in the end--the "stealing" is the proble and not the "eating".

So in whatever you decide--I would keep it focused on the theft and not the consumption.

 

[cathyce2]

You set up DD#1 tonight and that was not cool. You owe her an apology. I understand anger but this was not handled correctly. You should have just presented her with what you knew were the facts.

Sorry, but I just don't see it the same way. I let her know I was looking for the candy without accusing her of anything. She should have admitted to taking it then and there. When she didn't, I gave her a second chance to confess when she "looked for it". She clearly knew she was busted as soon as I said it was missing, but chose to drag out the lie rather than tell the truth. She wasn't "set up", she was given two opportunities to come clean.

 

[Erin1700]

No party.

Whatever you decide, make sure it makes an impact. Your DD is probably a very sweet girl, but you wouldnt want it to happen again over something of more value.
Are you catholic?? I would make her go to confession.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I agree with you...you didn't "set her up" and you absolutely don't owe her an apology.
First of all, she needs to do something to make it up to her sister - buy her a toy, candy, or something from her allowance - and she needs to apologize. Secondly, I would ground her for the weekend (for lying.) Finally, she should lose something that she likes at least for a while (but not at her sister's hands - your husband and you should take it away from her.)

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Are we talking about a chocolate egg? Some of this punishment seems a little harsh for eating chocolate. I'd take both kids to the store, let younger DD pick out some special candy and have older DD pay for it with her own money. I'd also talk to older DD about trust and making choices.

I would possibly have older DD write younger DD a long letter which she would have to read aloud to her.

The letter would have to include such items as 1) I stole your property 2) I understand this was special to you because ____ 3) Stealing is wrong because ____ 4) I think it made you feel ____ 5) How it will affect your feelings toward me 6) How the crime made me feel 7) What i intend to do to make this up to you. Each section should have at least a paragraph. This whole letter would need to be real aloud to little sister and parents.

I never said it would be a short assignment but it would force her to think. It would be long and tedious as well.

I like these two ideas. I don't like making her miss soccer. That punishes the team. I remember my DS's little league having to forfeit a game because a mother punished her son, and the entire team, by not letting him play. You make a commitment to a team. I am on the fence about the party.

I am impressed that the discussion has remained civil.

 

[Erin1700]

I voted no party but am against taking soccer away. Like others have posted, you dont want to punish the team.

 

[diznygirl]

I like these two ideas. I don't like making her miss soccer. That punishes the team. I remember my DS's little league having to forfeit a game because a mother punished her son, and the entire team, by not letting him play. You make a commitment to a team. I am on the fence about the party.

I am impressed that the discussion has remained civil.

I voted no party but am against taking soccer away. Like others have posted, you dont want to punish the team.

So be it. Time for athletes to learn young that they don't get special treatment.

No party. No soccer.

 

[Erin1700]

So be it. Time for athletes to learn young that they don't get special treatment.

No party. No soccer.

you know what, now that I think of it, pro athletes miss games as punishment, so do college athletes...ok, so I guess missing soccer may be a good idea.

 

[LilyWDW]

What would have happened if it had been my house when I was younger:

1) No party... DD1 took something that DD2 was looking forward to. As such, DD1 should not be allowed to partake in something SHE was looking forward to.

2) Do DD2's chores for 1 week.

3) Replace the object with something of similar value.

4) Possibly No soccer as long as it would NOT cause the team to forfeit. Contact the coach first to see if losing her would cause their numbers to be too short. You shouldn't punish the team... and if it did cause a forfeit then I promise the other girls will NOT take it well.

With my parents it wouldn't have been as issue that it was a special chocolate egg... it would have been an issue that it was STOLEN. DD1 is more then old enough to know it was the wrong thing to do, this was obvious when you confronted her. She took something that didn't belong to her... this is the definition of theft. Punishment should not be any different because it was "just" candy... it should be equal to what would happen if she stole money, jewelry, or anything else.

 

[ksjayhawks]

No party. No soccer practice/game.

Apologize to sister.
Buy sister replacement candy now.
Lecture by you and dad on stealing and lying, your disappointment in her actions (not her), and loss of trust that must now be rearned.

 

[robinb]

Sorry, but I just don't see it the same way. I let her know I was looking for the candy without accusing her of anything. She should have admitted to taking it then and there. When she didn't, I gave her a second chance to confess when she "looked for it". She clearly knew she was busted as soon as I said it was missing, but chose to drag out the lie rather than tell the truth. She wasn't "set up", she was given two opportunities to come clean.

I agree with the PP in that you set her up to lie ... NOT to tell the truth. You turned the accusation into some kind of game or power trip for you and now she will be punished for lying too. In doing so, you made the situation much worse for everyone and now you have TWO issues to deal with instead of just one.

For stealing the candy, I would take your younger DD to the best place for chocolate that is nearby and allow her to pick out a special treat. Your older DD has to pay for it. You older DD also has to skip sweets for a week. Anything more harsh will backfire and your older DD will become resentful and then just get sneakier next time and not leave the evidence behind for you to find. For lying, you need to bring out the bigger guns. Big guns which were not needed. I would take away the party. I would not take away the soccer as it puts the team at a disadvantage.

 

[Dancemom03]

What would have happened if it had been my house when I was younger:

1) No party... DD1 took something that DD2 was looking forward to. As such, DD1 should not be allowed to partake in something SHE was looking forward to.

2) Do DD2's chores for 1 week.

3) Replace the object with something of similar value.

4) Possibly No soccer as long as it would NOT cause the team to forfeit. Contact the coach first to see if losing her would cause their numbers to be too short. You shouldn't punish the team... and if it did cause a forfeit then I promise the other girls will NOT take it well.

With my parents it wouldn't have been as issue that it was a special chocolate egg... it would have been an issue that it was STOLEN. DD1 is more then old enough to know it was the wrong thing to do, this was obvious when you confronted her. She took something that didn't belong to her... this is the definition of theft. Punishment should not be any different because it was "just" candy... it should be equal to what would happen if she stole money, jewelry, or anything else.

I agree with these consequences except that she definitely would not play soccer - and, in this house, she'd miss more than just one practice/game so it couldn't be brushed off easily as "well I didn't really want to go today anyway". Call the coach ahead of time to let them know though. If the team is small enough that one or two girls will cause a forfiet, that'll give him the opportunity to contact the other coach and ask to reschedule for a date he'll be able to field a team - or to make sure nobody else misses the same game your DD will. Kids get sick/vacation/attend conflicting events often enough so that missing a couple practices/game for a good reason shouldn't be a huge problem.

I know a lot have said it was just candy but to your younger DD, it was no doubt a huge treasure, and one she planned to save. For my girls, the fact that she "won" the egg in the first place would be a reason they'd want to save it for sentimental reasons and to remind them of their achievement - sort of like a trophy. She's taken that visible reminder of whatever small success it was from her sister - not just eaten a chocolate. How do you replace that?

I don't see it being about the food at all - I see that older DD (we have one of those here too) took younger sister's treasured possesion after being told on several occassions that she could not have it, then hid the evidence, and lied when confronted.

IMO she needs to "own" her deceit as well as the consequences of her poor choices. This is one of those moments that I am glad we're catholic because the confession/pennance component would definitely come into play for us. I look at it not so much as a punishment but as an unfortunate and unexpected learning opportunity...

 

[MariDisney]

I disagree with letting younger DD take something of older DD's...that's revenge, not restitution, and therefore teaching younger DD that revenge is the way to go. She did steal, but you are the parent and should administer the consequences, not younger DD. That being said, I do agree with the idea of taking them to the store and having younger DD pick a special treat and making older DD pay for it with her own money. No party on Saturday.

I agree with this. I wouldn't want to teach revenge. I probably do several things: 1) we teach forgiveness and kindness even when we've been wronged. So, if it were here the egg saver would be talked to about how to forgive with a kind heart, etc. 2) The theif would have a punishment that would make her remember. I wouldn't allow her to go to the party. She'd also have to use her own money to buy the saver something of her choice within reason. 4) Theif will need to apologize to her sister and also to anyone she lied to. Maybe make it in writing. 5)Once it's over, it's over. True, some things are hard to forget, but we try to teach not to hold on to these things.