Help: My spouse will not stop overspending!

[questioner]

My spouse loves to spend money and use the Credit Card. She owns almost 50 pairs of shoes, tons of clothes, and buys nick nacks that we do not need all the time. She spends spends and spends!

We both work but I make about 70% of the money. Our credit cards are maxing out and we can only afford to pay the minimum.

I talk to my wife about this and she will not admit that this overspending is an issue. She says, "life is short, I need to enjoy it". Without admitting a problem-- no change is possible.

I tried cancelling the credit cards with my spouses name on them but the Banks will not do so without her approval. She will not sign. Divorce is a big step and a financial and emotional bomb, with the kids and all. I can not get her to stop spending money we really do not have.

Any advice?

 

[vickyBaby]

I don't have any advice, but my heart goes out to you.

Can you outright cancel the credit cards, then have a new credit card issued in your name only? Your money pays for the house bills and her money pays for her own purchases?

I really feel for you.

Maybe a marriage counselor can assist in this situation?

 

[MsDisney23]

I do not know what to say to you. I would see if you can find when Susie Orman is on TV, she makes alot of finacial sense! There are tapes that you can buy as well. I know that QVC offer's them.

 

[Marseeya]

I have a spending problem myself and it's a pretty hard habit to break. She needs a major eye opener of some sort, but it's not fair to bring the whole family down with her.

Is your name on her cards? Just let her sink or swim with them. If not already, separate your finances and make her get her own checking account. Keep your credit squeaky clean and let hers go to pot. I think it's like alcoholism and you need to hit rock bottom before you want to get help.

 

[ADisneygirl]

It is very difficult when the spending habits of you and your spouse do not match up. Does she realize how long it will take to actually pay off these cards only making minimum payments every month? Does she realize how much you will actually pay back?

In one way, I can sort of see why a person might say life is short so lets spend and have fun for today, but that really is a very immature attitude. I think it is past time to have a frank discussion with her about finances and how much you make and where the $ is going every month. God forbid you have an emergency and don't have the cash or any credit to use to see you through it. It is very easy to fall behind on credit card payments and then watch all the finance charges and late fees add up. You will be caught in an avalanche that you may not be able to come out from under. Maybe she just doesn't realize how difficult her constant spending is making your financial worries.

Another thing to consider is that she may be filling some kind of void she feels in her life with shopping. People do it. They do it with food, drugs and alcohol too. Maybe she needs a friend to talk to. Maybe she needs something more from you. Just a thought.

 

[chrissyk]

Has she been to counseling? It sounds like she has a shopping addiction. I don't think that this will go away on it's own, or because you were able to get rid of some credit cards (if you could). It sounds like she really needs to see a professional asap. You could offer to go with her. You are mentioning divorce, so maybe she will agree to counseling because the issue has clearly pushed you to the edge.

Marseeya, it may be impossible for the OP to seperate the finances and let his spouse sink or swim. They're married, so her debt is his debt. If they get divorced, he may still be on the hook for a lot of the debts (or for all of them). If they were just living together, it would be another story. Also, this affects BOTH of their credit scores if they have these credit accounts jointly, or if the wife's spending is affecting the budget so severely that payments are not being made on other assets in a timely fashion.

I'm all for listening to Suze Orman or Dave Ramsey, but you have to be ready to hear what they have to say. If the OP's wife has an actual addiction to shopping, she needs professional help before she'll be ready to hear it.

 

[scanne]

I would suggest some marital counseling. Divorce is a HUGE deal but I think you need to tackle the obstacles and try to overcome them before you go down that path. Suggest it to her and see what her reaction is. Tell her you're concerned about the quality of your relationship, that you love her and want to work out this issue, but feel that an outside, 3rd party would be beneficial.

I hope you are able to work out your conflict.

 

[Martha7]

I agree with the other posters. Right now, my DH is out of work, and we've had to cut our spending back as much as possible, with some family members "getting it" better than others. You can remind her that no one these days really has a guarantee of lifetime employment in their jobs, (except in some cases, I suppose.) The problem is that counseling isn't free either, so you'll be spending more money, unless your insurance covers it. Are there books that you can pick up for her that deal with this issue? Good luck and please keep us posted!

 

[questioner]

FROM THE OP:

I think the spending is a power thing on her part. She basically says WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? If I divorce her:

I will have to divide up our assets
Will have to pay for an apartment and rental house just for myself
The kids will live in a broken family

She is controlling the situation because she knows there is little I can do. She refuses counseling and likes conflict.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly, I have a hard time believing this is a serious thread. If what you say is true, please get yourself counseling. You obviously have issues that are way over your head.

 

[questioner]

I have recived couseling regarding this issue and the couselor said that my wife is overspending due to depression but agreed it is very hard to make her stop unless she agrees to help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well you need to find a different counselor because that is a load of baloney. Overspending is a behavior, not depression. Her way of "beating you up".
Your wife can stop immediately. She chooses not to to hurt you.

 

[scanne]

Has your wife had counseling? I know that she won't be helped until she's ready to admit there's a problem, but if you go to counseling TOGETHER because you're concerned about your marriage, that might get to the root of the problem. The spending isn't the problem - it's a symptom of the problem. The problem, whatever it is, needs to be addressed.

 

[TammiMcMan]

FROM THE OP:

The kids will live in a broken family

I'm confused as usual. I thought from your Thanksgiving dinner thread that there were no kids. If this is truly happening, then I'm very sorry. This was the root cause of my brother and his wifes recent divorce. It was a very sad situation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Tammi is right! Busted questioner!!! Why do you post this nonsense here?

Post 18 from this thread....
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=935609&page=1&pp=15

No kids involved. No big event that turned them against me just completely different personalities. It is amazing that there is such a large group of people that I share so little in common with.

Ever met someone who just turned you off? But could not really say why? Well that is what I think about her family and what they think about me. Bad Karma!

 

[Republican Rapper]

The kids could be going elsewhere, don't just assume that he was lying.

 

[Saffron]

Read some of his/her posting history before you assume he/she isn't.

Send her to Walmart. She'll buy things cheaper there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

#1 He makes no mention of children and his posts do not reflect children.

#2 He is also 49 and if he *did* have children the issue of splitting them up is not relevant because the kids would be in college.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Read some of his/her posting history before you assume he/she isn't.

Send her to Walmart. She'll buy things cheaper there.

What do you mean? Send her to WalMart?

 

[Galahad]

#1 He makes no mention of children and his posts do not reflect children.

#2 He is also 49 and if he *did* have children the issue of splitting them up is not relevant because the kids would be in college.

I think he makes up most of the stuff he posts. But, I'm 50 and our youngest is a H.S. sophomore - not yet in college. A 49 year old would be unlikely to have small children, but they generally aren't "out of the woods" yet with respect to kids in the house.