Help me with a tactful reply

[fairestoneofall]

You've gotten some great advice.

I just want to add to do what you feel comfortable doing. If you want just your family to go, then say so. We just did a big family vacation in November with MIL, FIL, my mom and my sister (my dad stayed home). Anyway, FIL, my mom and sister were only there part of the time and I was SO stressed trying to make everyone happy. Once they all left (MIL stayed), it was much more relaxed and easy.

We're planning a trip next year and MIL has already invited herself along. I felt bad so I told my sister she could come if she wanted to. But I've decided that I'm just going to let everyone know that we just want it to be us. It's going to be a short trip, and I don't want to have to worry about pleasing everyone.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I feel your pain.

My mom went on all our "family" trips up until last year. On our WDW trip in Sept 2005, her and I had a huge fight. Its a long story, but I'm an only child and she think my kids are hers, etc.

I vowed when we returned, she would never go with us again. We returned to WDW in September 2006. She laid a huge guilt trip on me but I stuck to my guns and she didn't go. My DS(8) told me on the trip, "you know mom, you're so much nicer when Baba isn't here. "

My mom has a boyfriend she's lived with for years. She goes on a couple vacations a year with him. So in June we have another WDW trip planned, 4 nights park, 4 night DCL. Its DD(3)'s 1st cruise. My mom is trying to guilt me again to take her. DS told her, "Baba, you don't take us on your vacations, why should we take you on ours?" Because of DS's school and DD's dance recital we are leaving for WDW on mom's 60th birthday. I told her, we'll take you out before or when we get back. Again, she's trying to guilt me into taking her. its not happening.

Don't let anyone guilt you into letting them tag along. Our best vacation ever was last year at WDW just the 4 of us. Stick to your guns. Its your family time. be strong!

 

[Michigan]

I hate to tell you this but everybody wins those auctions. They are days and days of sales pitches. Bring them and make them listen to the sales pitches while you go to the parks. If you get lucky they will buy something.

 

[ZPT1022]

I was actually sad when I mad our plans for WDW. My brother and his wife and 3 kids usually go on vacation together.They couldn't go this time because they just bought a new house. I love vacationing with them!! My brother is my DH best friend and DSIL is mine, so we have a great time together. Am I crazy?

you're not crazy, just lucky! I wish I had a SIL that I could have that sort of relationship with. Mine is kind of, ummmm..... nuts. I have hope that my brothers will marry nice girls and someday I'll have a great SIL. At the very least I will not be a judgemental, conniving "B" to any of them. I think you're very fortunate in your situation

 

[MiniGirl]

I was actually sad when I mad our plans for WDW. My brother and his wife and 3 kids usually go on vacation together.They couldn't go this time because they just bought a new house. I love vacationing with them!! My brother is my DH best friend and DSIL is mine, so we have a great time together. Am I crazy?

NO. You're very blessed.

 

[seashoreCM]

, I'm the selfish one I guess. If I want to walk around in my pj's w/o a robe on my vacation then I want to be able to do that. Plus you know everyone wants to jump on our bandwagon because I'm the one that searches out bargains, .

No you ain't.

Go look up the word "privacy" in a dictionary.

You could offer to help them find bargains so they could go by themselves. Or do a weekend get together at a different time and place that does not interfere with the kids' school either.

OT: Do be aware that extended family can help hold parade spots and restaurant tables.

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[susieq76]

Wow! I don't like my DILs. They are annoying, "holier than tho" and very, very cheap. My DH gets all grumpy when we spend time with them and we wind up arguing a little.

Two years ago we took the to DW with us- they had their own room at ASMovies- I could NOT stay in the same room with them. Ever. We did things on our own and met them for meals or some days we went to the park together and then told them what they would like and literally left them to it. My DFIL is 77 years old now and the only grandpa my kids have (even though hes not such a good one).

DH & I did not have the best trip of our lives. BUT we have a ton of pics, my kids giggled when the characters would joke with grandpa and all in all my children really do remember and love looking through the pics of all of us together. Thats whats most important to me.

So, you are not crazy or mean. But to feel better down the road, especially with a sick mil- I personally would have them get their own room (you could do the actual booking) and compromise. It may be the last time your kids could actually enjoy their grandparents.

PS- this does not count in any respect to SIL or DSIS. Them I'd tell to take a hike

 

[karibritt01]

I understand spending time with the DILs while they are healthy, but this doesn't have to be the last opportunity. This vacation was planned for just your family, and you should keep it that way.

As for planning an extended family vacation, we try to do that around Memorial Day or Labor Day weekend. Most sports activities and such are off those weekends, so maybe that would work for you, also. We rent a beach house with DILs and DBIL and family. Its nice because we can walk to the beach for the day, and the kids can swim at night in the pool. It has a hot tub for me and DSIL, to escape from MIL! She also thinks our kids are hers, and tends to override our decisions on a regular basis. We put our foot down when important, but otherwise mix a drink and head for the hot tub! It generally works out best for us to vacation together for the weekend that way, the kids get to play, and it is over before it is too much to handle! Good luck!

 

[runwad]

PS- this does not count in any respect to SIL or DSIS. Them I'd tell to take a hike

This cracked me up, thanks for the laugh.

 

[Paull117]

We finally did this with my parents just a couple of weeks ago. It was marathon weekend and we thought the extra help with the kids(DD6, DD3)would be nice with my DW running her first half. They have been begging to go the last few years.

We knew it was a problem when we would sit down and plan, and they would just say we will do what you do. So we booked a couple meals for all of us, and at the beginning of each day we would lay out the plan of the day. Came up with plans for them to do because they wanted to do something different that what we did.

Long story short never doing it again. The only people that I think where happy with the situation was my 3 yr old DD and my parents. The DD3 got spoiled and loved being the baby again. My DD6 what fit to be tied with my parents and has asked to never do that again with them.

I understand because it just was not fun for our family because we had to make sure they where ok. It might be selfish but there was a reason I left right after high school. It also goes a long with the saying you can never go back.

Paul

 

[luvdisney77]

I would not feel guilty for flat out telling them no. I mean, it is awfully presumptious to assume they can invite themselves and actually accuse you of hiding your vacation?!? Well, yea, it is YOUR vacation with your kids and hubby. I can't imagine why anyone would get miffed that they were not invited. I hope that you find a way to gently put it to them, but they are out of line if you ask me. I hope it all works out.

 

[lunalibre]

Good luck with a tactful reply! You already know that those folks don't fit your vacation style and it just won't work. Some people just won't take "no" for an answer. My family and my brother's family took a weekend trip with our folks several years ago, and NEVER AGAIN!!!!! My mother is difficult to take under normal circumstances, so she was positively explosive when out of her own house. NEVER AGAIN. She tried to talk all of us into going to WDW at Christmastime to see all the decorations, even offering to pay to put us all up at a deluxe, air fare, park tickets -- the works. We still said "no"! My mother is going to try to take me on a guilt trip for that one for years, but I'm not gonna go. Boy, is she gonna be ticked when she finds out we're going to Disney in June.

It is *your* vacation, *you* are paying for it, and you've already made plans without them. If their feelings are hurt, well, it's still better than not speaking to them at all after a rotten vacation.

 

[ukwildcat]

Well, since everyone else is speaking their mind, here comes my 2 cents:

I find it incredibly rude to invite oneself into any situation, be it vacation, birthday party, wedding, etc. I don't think you owe anyone any explanation.

I love my family, but my family now consists of DW and DS, with the next addition due in April. The rest of my family is secondary. If any situation comes down to choosing between DW and DS vs. the rest of my family, DW and DS win hands down. Not even a choice. Call me callous or whatever, but it's how I feel.

Go on your vacation, have a great time, and hopefully your family will be more tactful in future.

 

[kribit]

I would not categorize your wanting to take a family vacation as selfish at all. Don't let them make you feel bad.

My dh's family tried to do the same thing but we both "nicely" stated we wanted to dedicate our time to our kids uninterrpted, as it is always so hectic year round'. One of his parents whined and moaned, but if she was going to disown us over that, it was her problem not ours.

I personally think it's very unfair of someone (anyone) to invite themselves on vacation. I would never think of doing something like this, and I certainly wouldn't do it to my own kids whey they get older.

Would the kindness work or do you have to be forceful with them?

 

[runwad]

Would the kindness work or do you have to be forceful with them?

Umm, I think kindness may work. I'll try, I really will and try to suggest an alternative get away for all of us (but I don't want to.... but would do it for the kids and DH). But truly she may forget the whole thing. DH was there yesterday and she didn't mention a word so maybe she did forget about it already. I feel better about this already it helps so much to read other peoples replies and seeing that others are sometimes in the same situations with their families, it just helps. Thanks guys

 

[EthansMom]

There's nothing wrong with saying, "We really want to take a vacation with just the 5 of us!" If anyone tries to lay a guilt trip on you, then say, "We can get together another time."

Even when I am willing to share my family vacation with extended family members, we have separate accomodations and I don't pay for any of their expenses. Honestly, I don't even front deposits for my own Mother, whom I love and trust... and you know what? Mom's cool with that because she's willing to pay for her own expenses for vacations with us.

Good Luck!

 

[cmp1111]

You definitely should not feel guilty, but I am the type who hates disappointing others, and know what you're going through. I know there are some people I can travel with (Best friend, my own parents, my BIL & his girlfriend) and some people I can't - and I love them dearly, but we just have different ideas of vacations.

We had my DH's sister and BIL try to come along on our upcoming WDW vacation. I put my foot down, but we were lucky. She tends to be very sensitive, but she was very understanding about us wanting to get away with just us. She's one that is harder for us to travel with; we have different schedules and ideas about what is fun. I didn't want the hassle of trying to please everyone's schedules, taste buds, etc. I know we could have tried the separate rooms and some togetherness and some apart time, but I just didn't want the problems that went with it, and I wanted my kids' first Disney vacation to be just us.

You've gotten a lot of nice advice from everyone else, and I don't have anything new to add - just another vote of support from someone who knows how you feel.

 

[ZPT1022]

My DD6 what fit to be tied with my parents and has asked to never do that again with them

Oh man, you know it was bad when even the six year old noticed and said something.

You definitely should not feel guilty, but I am the type who hates disappointing others, and know what you're going through. I know there are some people I can travel with (Best friend, my own parents, my BIL & his girlfriend) and some people I can't - and I love them dearly, but we just have different ideas of vacations.

That's half the battle right there- knowing who you can and cannot deal with. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to bring one of our moms to WDW with us (both dads are dead) and wouldn't it be great for the kids, maybe we'd get an evening out alone, etc.... but then I always think better of it. Sometimes it's just not in the cards. I actually think I'd do better with a huge reunion where everyone is there at the same time but aside from a few planned meets everyone does their own thing.

 

[Eeyore's Girl]

When asking to tag along on your family vacation, maybe you could tell your sister or your IL's (or whoever else) that you're actually waiting for THEM to plan the next big family getaway. I doubt they'd have any interest if they have to do all the legwork that's involved.

 

[yellownovawife]

When asking to tag along on your family vacation, maybe you could tell your sister or your IL's (or whoever else) that you're actually waiting for THEM to plan the next big family getaway. I doubt they'd have any interest if they have to do all the legwork that's involved.