Help me understand about sending kids to kindergarten

[Shugardrawers]

DSis is all upset about her DS5 starting school yesterday. I don't know what to say to her to make her feel better. A little background is probably in order here. DSis had her first child 16 years ago with her first husband. Short, miserable marriage. A few years later she married her current DH and started trying to get pregnant. It took 10 years and medical intervention to get the job done. She had her DS and hasn't been able to get pregnant since though she wants one badly. Now, not saying that she doesn't love her DD, she does, but she's un-naturally attached to her DS in my eyes. You'd think he was her husband! And NO there's no kind of sexual abuse or anything like that going on, she just acts like he's her very best friend and hates to be away from him. She went so far as to buy homeschool materials so she wouldn't have to send him to school. Her DH put the kibosh on that idea and told he to enroll him. Homeschooling can be a good thing but I think this kid is much too social for that. He wants to just be one of the guys. Well, yesterday he started school. After 1 day, ONE day, she's screaming about how the teachers don't know anything and she can do a better job yada, yada, yada. She hasn't slept in 2 days because she misses him so much and feels awful for taking him to school. He on the other hand is a typical kid. Likes school but hasn't had any kind of daily schedule like this before so he's learning to adjust. Anyway, she's crying on my shoulder about all this and I keep trying to tell her it's the best thing for him and that she has to let go but she's not buying it. She's saying I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have kids. Is this whole thing really as unhealthy as I think it is and in either case, what do I say to her to make her feel better????

 

[Jenn Lynn]

She needs to get a life outside of her child. Can you take her to lunch or something? Suggest activities for her. Does she work out? Do you have a Borders or Barnes&Noble? She could go there and have a cup of coffee, read a book or magazine.

Just keep trying to be supportive I guess. Hopefully it passes soon.

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, sounds like she needs to get involved in something to pass her time productively. I wonder why she doesn't realize that hr attachment is differnet with this child than the first? Did she feel this way when her DD went to school?

Either way, she will adjust. It will take time, but she needs to eventually let go for his sake.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I do try to get together with her often to do things. She can't figure out what to do with her time now that both kids are in school all day and that's probably part of it.

She does admit (though not in front of her DD) that she does favor her DS. I think it's a combination of factors there. Her ex is/was a horrible, horrible person, very argumentative and intimidating and emotionally abusive. Hate to say it but her DD takes after him quite a bit. I also think it's because she tried for so long to have him and that he's just a sweet, fun kid too. Her DD is in that unfortunate teen stage where she's often just insufferable to put it kindly. She seems to be growing out of that finally.

Anyway, no she didn't have this problem with her DD. Do you think this is just an early case of empty nest syndrome?

 

[missyc]

You sound more sane than she does! You ought to have kids too!!
This sounds very unhealthy to me. And I'm sure knowing that her mom favors the little brother can't be too nice for the older daughter.
Strange situation.

 

[Tinkerbelle739]

Ok, I am in the same boat as you.

My dear friend has a bad history with sending her kids to school but we wont get into that right now. Her son just entered preK and is having a hard time. He refused to get on the bus on day one and they drove him. He cryed, he threw up, it was a mess!! I am talking to her on the phone and she says to me, "It is a mothers job to nurture and protect her child and I just cant stand to send him to school crying and so upset." Ok, I agree it IS hard to see him that upset, but a mothers JOB is to see that her children become well rounded individuals who are EDUCATED and can stand on their own two feet. I have absolutely no problem with homeschooling, if the parent actually homeschools!! I think SHE is the one having a problem and that problem is now her sons as well. JMO, of course.

 

[poohkinandpiglet]

It sounds like she's having a bit of separation anxiety. I have a friend like that. She has one child who started school this year. She is constantly saying things like "My day doesn't begin until my DD gets home".

She doesn't know what to do with herself when DD is away from her. Everything in her life revolves around the child. IMO, she made a big mistake when her daughter was little because she smothered her and never put her in playgroups or made playdates with other kids. Her daughter has a hard time socializing with other kids and doesn't really know how to play with groups of children. She's a loner and kind of an odd child.

My friend always wants to spend time with the child and would never even consider going out with friends or her husband alone. She wants to be the child's best friend. It's unhealthy for the child and for her. I want to say "Get a life" but I'm afraid she'll be faced with that soon enough when her DD wants some independence. It's hard cutting those apron strings- especially when they're tied in a knot!

In reference to the OP- Take it from a former first grade teacher, a lot of kids have difficulty when starting a new school year. The crying usually stops after a week or two and the child will adjust much quicker if the parents will establish a drop off routine and then leave the school. It's hard, I know, but it's better for the child. Children usually calm down quickly when mom is "out of sight, out of mind".

 

[frndofpooh]

How about suggesting to her that she get involved in some kind of charity work that centers around children? In our community there are programs where ladies visit the homes of underprivileged children and read them stories on a weekly basis. Maybe something like that would help her keep her mind off of things and focus energy on those that need it.

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

It's a shame, but if your DSis was unhappy in her first marriage, maybe she sees DD as part of the unhappiness. Also, was she able to stay home with DD or did she work outside the home? It could be she has just been able to spend much more time with DS due to the different circumstances.

She needs to get involved at her son's school. There are many volunteer opportunities where she could keep an eye on her son but not necessarily spend every minute with him (which would be a good thing, in this case). She will soon find a new routine and will calm down.

 

[Beth76]

I think she needs more than "getting out". It sounds to me like she could use some counseling. She's not "buying" that she needs to "let him go"? There's a lot more there than just seperation anxiety. You said yourself that she's unnaturally attached.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

It sounds like she may have some grieve issues over her inability to concieve another child. Its often underestimated how hard it can be for people who have children to be unable to have more children. If that part of her life is over before she was ready for it to be over shes probably grieving that, and coping with it by attaching herself to her ds. She needs some form of counseling or support group, even a discussion board or other friends with secondary infertility, to learn for herself that attaching in this way to her ds does not satisfy the need for another child and is unhealthy for herself and her ds and in the end their relationship will end up the worse for it. I think its extremely hard for any parent to send their kid off to school (my oldest just had her first day of Pre-K today), but this sounds above and beyond and I think the issues with her first and now not being able to have another are greatly playing into that.

 

[mistaroo]

Give her some time. You said her DS only started school a couple days ago and that is hardly enough time to adjust to such a huge change, particularly when she is so attached to him.

She may be acting out now- and may be very irrational- but I imagine that once her emotions calm down and she sees how much her DS loves school she may be ok. I don't think you can reason with her while she is so emotional. If she is still freaking out after a week or so then I would entertain the idea that she truly has a problem. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes what you decscribe is not the norm. I would tell her things like see how happy he is and things along those lines to get her to think positively about DS going to school.

 

[browneyes]

Tell her to volunteer in your nephew's class sometime.

I too feel sorry for your niece.

 

[Divamomto3]

Wow, that poor woman! Your poor sis seems really torn up. I agree with the others, I 'd have to say her reaction is out of the norm. I'm not so sure something as simple as a hobby is going to help her. She might need a little professional help to get her through this. Hugs to her....

 

[Serena]

I think she needs counseling. It's ok to miss your kid, but from what you say, that's just the tip of the problem.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Aren't you the same poster who asked how to "fix" the fact that your sister doesn't like your husband because he doesn't worship this kid?

If so, to me it sounds like they have some family dynamics going on that are way outside normal levels. I don't think there is anything YOU can do to fix this -- other than suggest therapy.