Help me out here. Compromise is not one of my strong points..

[Wishing on a star]

No direct offense here... as I don't know the OP at all...
But I still see the selfish undertones.
I don't see her promising her husband the very next trip, or any trip.
The word 'eventually' is really all I needed to hear. ( my DH used to me masterful at that - got it from his dad )
And, just the mention of 'it's my overtime money....'
Along with other comments.
Heck, she admits right away that she does not do well with compromise.

One would practically have to be reading with their eyes closed to miss it.
Based on what has been posted, I think that to ask about the issue of selfishness is fair game, and is warranted.

Hey, we don't know this poster...
I am not going to make any definitive judgment calls.
But, from what has been posted, either there are some selfish aspects here, or the OP needs to change her semantics and work on communications skills.
I would suspect both.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No direct offense here... as I don't know the OP at all...
But I still see the selfish undertones.
I don't see her promising her husband the very next trip, or any trip.
The word 'eventually' is really all I needed to hear. ( my DH used to me masterful at that - got it from his dad )
And, just the mention of 'it's my overtime money....'
Along with other comments.
Heck, she admits right away that she does not do well with compromise.

One would practically have to be reading with their eyes closed to miss it.
Based on what has been posted, I think that to ask about the issue of selfishness is fair game, and is warranted.

Hey, we don't know this poster...
I am not going to make any definitive judgment calls.
But, from what has been posted, either there are some selfish aspects here, or the OP needs to change her semantics and work on communications skills.
I would suspect both.

I see the dh as the selfish one to be honest.

He has her plan and pay for the trips which need to be to "his standards". She has given in and gone plenty of places she knows that he approves of.

However this time she wants to go somewhere else. However DH puts his foot down and then he exploits the fact that she already feels guilty because she pays and plans the whole thing every year.

I see dh as the manipulator to be honest.

Now if OP said they both planned, then I might change my tune.

 

[HM]

To me, this seems like the year that you take separate vacations. The way I see it, if he has NO interest in the Galapagos, why should he have to go? You can take a family member, friend or go alone. In the meantime, he can do something that you have no interest in as well (Alaska cruise/tour or England/France). Then next year, you go back to doing a trip that you can both agree on.

You don't have to always vacation together.

 

[Pamlur]

I can totally see where the OP is coming from, but from a completely different perspective; see if this does any good.

My husband paid for the trips, I quit work shortly after we married (nearly 30 years ago). I planned them, and planned meticulously. We usually pretty much agreed on where we were going, but sometimes one of us wanted to go worse the the other. He was (I lost him in May) strong willed, and I usually gave in and dropped trips that I wanted to make but he didn't. I planned a cruise in the British Isles for 2002; he protested until I canceled it, and I am not sure what cruise lines did in Europe that year because I didn't pay attention.

Several years went by and the perfect British Isles cruise cropped up again. I booked it. The entire time I was planning it, he was looking elsewhere, and making STRONG suggestions, but this time I didn't give in and we went. He absolutely loved Scotland, and we went back for a land trip a couple of years later.

On the flip side, he always wanted to go to S. Africa, badly. I couldn't have cared less. But we went, I fell in love, and we went back. We would have gone again next year, but that awful beast, cancer, took him away from me.

I am reading that the OP has planned, and taken, several trips that her husband wanted to take more than she did.

 

[dzorn]

I'm not sure that that's really your business. But, I'm vested with state retirement ( DH is also ) he's also got a full military retirement. I put away 10% in a 401 K, my employer matches and adds another 3% and I have a savings account.

Again I work an OVERTIME shift every week ( 12 hours at time and a half ) which I put into my travel account.

You me "the" travel account. You seem to have a problem with your DH not contributing to this fund. You need to have a heart to heart with your DH. It is alright to be a little selfish since you are working overtime to pay for it, but that doesn't mean that your DH should not get a say at all. If your DH is not contributing to the vacation fund and expecting you to work OT to pay for vacation is also a little selfish on his part.

Denise in MI

 

[WDSearcher]

I totally don't mean to be selfish. And if it's suddenly DHs dream to take pictures around the English countryside, I'll be there for him.

I'm just not happy about taking my trip which was already in the planning stages and dumping it to do so.

But that's your perception, isn't it? Your DH gave you a suggestion, not an order.

If you cave every time, that's your problem, not his. Doesn't sound like he's asking you to to totally ditch the one thing you've wanted among all others. He's making a suggestion. If you don't like that suggestion, then talk it out and make it work.

 

[scrapquitler]

My first choice is a dream I've had for a long time, but is very expensive. I've seriously looked at Lindblad tours for a trip to the Galapagos. IMO, it's the coolest opportunity ever and it's a bucket list item. DH has never sounded too excited about Galapagos, but knows how badly I want to go...

No help on the compromise thing (I'm not good at compromise, nor at being tactful). I would suggest that the Galapagos trip is I've been twice. BUT before having your heart set on Linblad, check out the Ecuadorean travel agency METROPOLITAN TOURING http://www.metropolitan-touring.com/ both times I went they arranged everything. It might be a little less $$$ than Linblad and they did a great job.

 

[scrapquitler]

Yes, but surely there are things to photograph in the Galapagos as well..

OMG YES. The Galapagos are FABULOUS from a photography perspective. When I was there for 4 days in 2000 I took over 1200 pictures (BEFORE digital!) They are so awesome.

 

[Wishing on a star]

First a little back story. I'm a nurse and I work overtime almost every week. I take part of my OT money and put it in a separate account that we use just for a cool annual vacation. I pay for everything out of my OT checks.

DH works for the state- not a huge salary by any means and unless he got a second job he can't make any extra money as OT isn't possible on salary. Not a big deal in our lives..

But, I do pay 100% for our annual trip. Each year I ask his opinion and he usually tells me, "You do such a great job planning, just pick and tell me what to pack."

......

I have zero interest in that trip. I'm fine with taking that trip some day if that's HIS dream trip, but I don't think I should have to give up MY dream trip for something I could care less about doing...

Sorry, I am going back to the original post...
And, I fully stand by my thoughts... (again, I could possibly be wrong... and no personal offense intended... only trying to help sort out the situation.)

I don't see the husband as having been demanding AT ALL....
Look at the quote - "...just pick and tell me what to pack."
That hardly qualifies as him choosing the trip and having to meet his standards/expectations.

I also see several references to money and how the OP feels that she pays 100% for these trips. She might have written 'not a big deal'... But, obviously, she, herself, is making this a very big deal. Half of the whole post is comments re: their financial incomes.

When, she mentions the trip that he has wanted to take, she says 'maybe someday'.... and later, the proverbial 'eventually'.
I've been on the other side of those words... and it's not pretty... those words are passive-aggressive control speak.
Makes the other parties wishes sound like an afterthought, with no real respect given.

Yes, it is not right that the husband mentioned this other trip at this point... I do get that.
But, honestly... I am looking at the big picture as a whole.

PS: My husband's income pays for our vacations... I plan them!!!! (I am lucky, he is just not a vacation planner). I have chosen destinations and activities that appeal to myself and my son... family friendly... But, after these trips, yes, my husband should be able to choose something that HE really personally wants to do..

What I am not seeing in the OP's situation is the communication and give and take.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, why not just say "Since I have been planning the Galapagos for 6 months already, why don't we do that trip next and then England can be the trip after that"?

That way he knows that if Galapagos is in 2011 then England will be in 2012.

 

[tammymacb]

Sorry, I am going back to the original post...
And, I fully stand by my thoughts... (again, I could possibly be wrong... and no personal offense intended... only trying to help sort out the situation.)
.

For someone who's "not trying to be judgmental, you are often judgmental. I didn't ask for your opinion as to whether I'm selfish or not. I asked how to make a decision that would work and make both myself and my DH happy. That's about all I have to say to you.

 

[tammymacb]

No help on the compromise thing (I'm not good at compromise, nor at being tactful). I would suggest that the Galapagos trip is I've been twice. BUT before having your heart set on Linblad, check out the Ecuadorean travel agency METROPOLITAN TOURING http://www.metropolitan-touring.com/ both times I went they arranged everything. It might be a little less $$$ than Linblad and they did a great job.

Thanks for the tip, I will definitely check them out. I'm strongly pushing for Lindblad, for a couple reasons- first because they are partnered with National Geographic and I'm sure that they would be very ecologically sound and also, because they provide "Photo tours" that are very photography intense and have professional photographers available for tips and education. Though I'm not a huge photographer, I thought my husband would enjoy that aspect.

But, we are still open to lots of options and since we're going to be in Bonaire this year, I've still got lots of planning to do.