help me I have a dilemma - child related

[carone0318]

Let me give some background: I have a dd (9), she has 2 really good friends. We are DVC owners and go to Disney yearly. This yr we happen to be getting a 2bdrm villa and we have told dd that she can bring a friend. Well dd made her decision on who she wanted to bring. We asked the parents and they said yes she could come with us - so now done deal. I haven't told the other child's parents but know I have to, I can't not say anything, that would be far worse than telling them now. But, I have to say it has been real easy not to say anything because of the obvious. What makes it hard is that I have become friends with both of these moms and I know that the child that is not going is going to be hurt, but I do believe that dd made the right choice on who she invited. Those 2 get along really well. So here I am knowing I have to say something to the one mom, but just can't seem to find the right moment. Well, last night the mom of the child who isn't coming with us invites my dd to go to the Outer Banks with them. Realize that she told me last night that her dd doesn't know that they have asked me, it was the parents decision, not the child asking for my dd to go. I do believe that if they asked their dd who she would like to bring, that there is a pretty good chance it wouldn't be my dd and I am perfectly ok with that. Well, looking at the calendar today our dd can't go because of previous plans (she is in a camp class for the week that my in-laws have already paid for.) This actually works out great because my dd and the girl have some issues as far as getting along and stuff. I think part of the problem is that they are always together, both in the same class, go gymnastics and soccer together. I think just too much together time. This girl has also said some not-so-friend like comments to my dd, which I try to help her deal with. I now have to tell them that dd can't go and I thought that I'd use it as a spring board to announce that our dd was given the choice to invite a friend on our vacation and she chose so-and-so. I can't go into the whole personality differences and the comments that have been made, the mom has no idea her child can be that way and now is not the time to do that. I am not trying to make her or her dd feel bad but am telling them as a courtesy as opposed to just going bringing the other friend and not saying anything at all, I think that they would figure it out. My dd and her friend that is coming with us haven't said a word to this child about the trip because I don't want them to brag about it in front of her or any of the other children that are around and they haven't said a word for a little over a month now. They are being very mature about it and I am pleasantly surprised at how well they are with their excitment. I am planning to tell the other parents for sure, you do agree that it would be better than to just let it ride right? I have to say though that the little devil inside of me faintly says, you don't have to justify anything it was dd's choice, I didn't force it on her. Do you think that it would be bad timing to bring it up when I tell them that dd can't go to Outer Banks or I should do that seperately. I guess I want the mom to know that these plans have been set in motion before this present conversation ever came about. What would you do or how would you handle this conversation? Since I know how things can get, I don't need any responses about the age of my dd and bringing a friend, nor that I should of never asked either to go. Just want some feedback on how to handle current situation, not about how I should of handled the past that I can't go back and change. Thanks everyone!

 

[Barb D]

First, let me say that it would be a lot easier to read your post if you broke it up into smaller paragraphs!

That said, I would tell Mom B that you're sorry your DD can't go to the Outer Banks because she's going to camp that week. Don't bring up WDW at all unless she mentions it. If she does, simply say that you could only afford to bring one friend, and you flipped a coin. Or something like that. Friend B doesn't need to know that she wasn't chosen.

 

[Pam]

First, let me say that it would be a lot easier to read your post if you broke it up into smaller paragraphs!

That said, I would tell Mom B that you're sorry your DD can't go to the Outer Banks because she's going to camp that week. Don't bring up WDW at all unless she mentions it. If she does, simply say that you could only afford to bring one friend, and you flipped a coin. Or something like that. Friend B doesn't need to know that she wasn't chosen.

My sentiments are exactly like Barb's.

I wouldn't say *anything* about your daughter taking another friend to WDW.

 

[DawnCt1]

I agree. The child who isn't going doesn't need to know and neither do her parents. They only need to know that your DD can't go with them due to some previously made plans. If they mention it, you just have to say that you could only bring one other child and it turned out to be "A".

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with BarbD. Let the Mom know that while you appreciate her offer to take DD on vacation, she will be busy with camp that week.

You don't have to tell the parents of the girl who you are not inviting that you aren't inviting her. If anyone is rude enough to ask why the little girl wasn't invited, just say, "We were only able to invite one of DD's friends." and leave it at that.

Honestly, if the parents of one of DS's friends told me, "We're going on vacation and inviting X, but aren't inviting your DS," I would wonder what they were thinking!!!! It really seems odd. There isn't any need to uninvite someone who has never been invited.

 

[What the Heck]

I agree with what Barb, Pam, Dawn and Ethens Mom said. I really like the "coin flip" idea as well, should a reason ever be needed. Nice and simple with lower potential for hurt feelings.

 

[MAKmom]

Do not say a word about the trip when you say no to Outerbanks. If you are just freindly with the mom, not freinds you never need say anything. If the 3 of you are friends it will be awkward.

 

[LiteBrite]

I agree, no need to open a can of worms with the other girl or her parents. While it's true that she will probably find out about your dd inviting the other girl, I can't think of a reason in the world why you should be the one to bring it up. Just deal with their invitation to your dd and leave it at that. If they should come to you about it, then tell them the nicest way you can (I like Barb's idea of calling it a coin toss), but going to them about it first feels like borrowing trouble.

 

[disykat]

I would be pretty forthright and tell her. Thank you for the generous invitation, and that you're unable to consider it because you looked at your calendar and she has camp that week. Then I'd say since you're on the subject, you thought you'd mention to her - so she doesn't hear about it second hand - that you've invited so and so to WDW. Let her know that your daughter and the other girl haven't mentioned it to her daughter for fear of hurting her feelings.

If the mom has any brains she won't ask questions but will be there to help her daughter through any hurt feelings that may arise. I would definately imply it was a "flipped coin" kind of decision and not talk about your daughter choosing. If it DOES come out that your daughter chose the other friend, make it clear that while she values her friendship sometimes they argue and it seemed like it might be too stressful on their friendship right now.

We've had to do this with sleepovers with one of our sons. He has a friend he sometimes argues with and we tell both the boys straight out that they can't have sleepovers right now because they've been having conflict - and that those kinds of activities will become more of an option when they have less conflict.

If explanations are demanded I'd make it YOUR decision and take the heat for it. You see conflict, so you felt it wasn't a good time for traveling together.

 

[cats mom]

I'm kind of surprised at the responses on this one.

I'm with disykat.

I think there is definitely a potential for hurt feelings here and I would think it would be better to be honest and up front about the trip than to just let friend #2 find out later, as she surely will.

 

[DisneyArk]

I hate conflict and I think sometimes I overthink these situations...

I personally would not know what to say if my DS's friends' parents called to let me know that they were taking a different friend to WDW. It would be different if we were all together and the subject came up and they said their son could only take 1 friend. Of course I would understand and not ask why they didn't choose my son.

So my advice is to not say anything unless the issue becomes a problem (the other girl gets her feelings hurt) or is brought up in front of the other mom.

Just be glad that they didn't invite your DD to go on a trip on the same week that you're going to WDW. If that happens then I think you should go ahead and explain the situation.

Good luck!

 

[Hannathy]

There are going to be hurt feelings don't kid yourself even with the flipping of a coin bit. My DD was part of a triangle like that in fact our houses made a triangle on the street and we as parents agreed early on if we couldn't take all three then we wouldn't just take one girl. It worked very well. If it was too expensive or too long we just took our daughter and they did the same but for amusement parks or water parks we took all three. If all three girls were close I don't think I would feel right picking one.imagine how that third girl will feel.
Our girls are now 14 still get along great but being in different middle schools are making different friends, go places without each other and it isn't such a big deal but at 9 one of them would have been devistated if one of the other went and they didn't. I would feel too guilty to do this. Be ready for the friendship to dissolve with the girl who didn't get to go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First, let me say that it would be a lot easier to read your post if you broke it up into smaller paragraphs!

That said, I would tell Mom B that you're sorry your DD can't go to the Outer Banks because she's going to camp that week. Don't bring up WDW at all unless she mentions it. If she does, simply say that you could only afford to bring one friend, and you flipped a coin. Or something like that. Friend B doesn't need to know that she wasn't chosen.

Bring the subject up as necessary.
I would not talk about it in the same breath about cancelling for the other trip. That will come off in poor taste.

Use the coin toss and if she asks why you didn't say anything earlier, tell her you were keeping it private to avoid hurt feelings for the kids.

 

[buddy&wooz]

I wouldn't say anything to the other girl's parents at all.

If you feel you must, I don't think it's a good idea to say it at the same time you turn down the OBX invite- one has nothing to do with the other. Why link them?

 

[RachaelRol]

I agree with what Barb, Pam, Dawn and Ethens Mom said. I really like the "coin flip" idea as well, should a reason ever be needed. Nice and simple with lower potential for hurt feelings.

Mee too.

 

[carone0318]

Thanks for all of the opinions so far. I guess I should add my reasoning for why I thought that I'd tell her about taking the other friend is that the girls are together all the time through activities. All 3 do gymnastics together - 4 days a week and also 2 days together for soccer team. If I don't say anything, it will be obvious that both girls who are going to Disney are not at practice the same week and such. I would think it would slip out at some point that they were together on vacation whether it be before or after the trip. I personally really don't want to say anything, but I guess I feel the mom deserves to know to help deal with the feelings, I am not meaning it as my dd chose somebody other than your dd oh well. If I were in her shoes, I could prepare for how to deal with this not just be blindsided by the whole situation.

Keep the comments coming, I am reading them all.

 

[RachaelRol]

Thanks for all of the opinions so far. I guess I should add my reasoning for why I thought that I'd tell her about taking the other friend is that the girls are together all the time through activities. All 3 do gymnastics together - 4 days a week and also 2 days together for soccer team. If I don't say anything, it will be obvious that both girls who are going to Disney are not at practice the same week and such. I would think it would slip out at some point that they were together on vacation whether it be before or after the trip. I personally really don't want to say anything, but I guess I feel the mom deserves to know to help deal with the feelings, I am not meaning it as my dd chose somebody other than your dd oh well. If I were in her shoes, I could prepare for how to deal with this not just be blindsided by the whole situation.

Keep the comments coming, I am reading them all.

You are much nicer than me.... If it slip out it slips out. If the mom bings it up, just tell her only one friend can come. Any self -respecting mom would not ask, why not my kid....

As for her handling it, she should be able to handle it the same way she handles other situations where her daughter is disappointed.

MY DS is 4 he wants that other kids have, wants to go to DW everytime te commercial is on, has bad days at PRE-K, etc... We explain to him that he is VERY fortunate to have what he has and he doesn't always get what he wants. ( 95% of the time he does... )

Life is rough at the end of the day, the other girl and her mom will have to get over it. I'm seriously not trying to be mean, but it is what it is...

 

[disykat]

I disagree with those who say one has nothing to do with the other. I think the potential for hurt feelings is much stronger BECAUSE they invited her dd to OBX. I would mention it right away so they know those plans were made prior to the OBX invitation and aren't left wondering why it wasn't mentioned at that point.

If it weren't for the OBX invitation, I'd be more likely to say don't say anything and just let whatever happens happen naturally. Now, after the invite, you aren't calling out of the blue - you are on the subject and I think it makes sense to address it straight out.