Help me figure out what to do for DDs 5th birthday b/c every year there's drama!

[WeLoveLilo05]

Ok....so here's the deal. This is long so...please have patience.

My DD is turning 5 in about 2 weeks. We usually end up having 3 parties. We usually do a joint party (My DD and my aunt's little boy's birthday are 10 days apart, so we just have 2 cakes, celebrate together with MY family at my aunt's house). Then we do another party with fiance's family, AND a little cake with just me, fiance, DD and my parents on her actual birthday.

Every year there's drama when we have DD's birthday with fiance's family. Every year for the past 2 years fiance calls his sis, mom and dad, and his grandparents and invite them for cake for DD, as these are the people from his side that we see the most. BUT his grandmother calls the rest of the family (aunts, uncle, cousins, and invites them as well which adds 7-8 more people to our guest list). We only see these aunts and uncles at Christmas, we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and we just simply don't have enough room for all these people. Since this has happened 2 years in a row that his grandmother has taken in upon herself to invite more people against our wishes I am just thinking of not having them here at all. Also, one of his aunts CONSTANTLY somehow someway tries to sneak in a peanut product and we have stressed many times that we are a peanut free home b/c DD is severely allergic to peanuts. She has made cakes covered in nuts, given DD peanut butter cups and snickers in an easter basket, and this year for Christmas gave her jelly beans which are also made on machinery with nuts. She also regifts gifts, giving my daughter items her daughter does not want or has double of (i.e. last year she got a size 14/16 HS musical shirt for Christmas...again my daughter is only going to be 5).

So my question is....what do I do? IF we could just have his sis, parents, and grandparents here I would be more than willing to have a party for her with them, but this never goes as planned. Fiance will be mad if I exclude his family, but I just don't like that his grandmother invites everyone although we have stressed it will only be the above mentioned guests, and the fact that his aunt must be dying to see my child go into anafalactic shock, it just makes me want to drop the whole party idea. But I know he will be mad if I have a party with my family and not his, and I am not willing to give up the party with my family. Please help!

 

[turkeymama]

Well, I'm not sure how you can address the extra guests without coming off as rude, even though you're not being rude. You are well within bounds of etiquette to decide who will come to a birthday party. However, that won't really keep the peace. And I don't see any way you can only have the one party with your family without alienating yourself from the other side (it also puts you at odds with your fiancee and him at odds with his family, he will either be on the defensive with you or them, neither is good).

As for the other major issues (the food allergy and the regifting things), you are being way more polite than I have been.

If someone sneaks in an unsafe snack, it would immediately go in the garbage. Period. No questions asked. And yes, I've done it myself. That is simply not worth taking a risk and I wouldn't tolerate it. If fiancee can't see the danger in this, he needs to do some research, but I'm betting he understands. He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. He is going to have to stand up to his side of the family on this one. Its really hard for only parent to do it.

If the aunt gives your daughter something that obviously won't fit, I would tell her so. Don't be afraid to ask her where you can return it. Otherwise, you are trying to be too tactful with someone who has no tact.

 

[Robindianne]

Ok....so here's the deal. This is long so...please have patience.

My DD is turning 5 in about 2 weeks. We usually end up having 3 parties. We usually do a joint party (My DD and my aunt's little boy's birthday are 10 days apart, so we just have 2 cakes, celebrate together with MY family at my aunt's house). Then we do another party with fiance's family, AND a little cake with just me, fiance, DD and my parents on her actual birthday.

Every year there's drama when we have DD's birthday with fiance's family. Every year for the past 2 years fiance calls his sis, mom and dad, and his grandparents and invite them for cake for DD, as these are the people from his side that we see the most. BUT his grandmother calls the rest of the family (aunts, uncle, cousins, and invites them as well which adds 7-8 more people to our guest list). We only see these aunts and uncles at Christmas, we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and we just simply don't have enough room for all these people. Since this has happened 2 years in a row that his grandmother has taken in upon herself to invite more people against our wishes I am just thinking of not having them here at all. Also, one of his aunts CONSTANTLY somehow someway tries to sneak in a peanut product and we have stressed many times that we are a peanut free home b/c DD is severely allergic to peanuts. She has made cakes covered in nuts, given DD peanut butter cups and snickers in an easter basket, and this year for Christmas gave her jelly beans which are also made on machinery with nuts. She also regifts gifts, giving my daughter items her daughter does not want or has double of (i.e. last year she got a size 14/16 HS musical shirt for Christmas...again my daughter is only going to be 5).

So my question is....what do I do? IF we could just have his sis, parents, and grandparents here I would be more than willing to have a party for her with them, but this never goes as planned. Fiance will be mad if I exclude his family, but I just don't like that his grandmother invites everyone although we have stressed it will only be the above mentioned guests, and the fact that his aunt must be dying to see my child go into anafalactic shock, it just makes me want to drop the whole party idea. But I know he will be mad if I have a party with my family and not his, and I am not willing to give up the party with my family. Please help!

OK, how able are you to become firm/strong? I'd have one party and only 1. I'd invite anyone either of you want over at your house. You make the food. Screen the gifts for food items, etc. You can frame it all with "DD isn't an infant anymore and we can't continue to have so many parties as it overwhelms her. It's really hard to do this, I know. I was 35 before I started saying no to family because it "just isn't done" in my family. But I bet you'll have more peace and less drama, not to mention your DD won't risk the nut thing which has to be hugely stressful on you.

UPDATE: Sorry I misunderstood. OK, so I'd send invitation cards with an RSVP to the ones you want to come. If they don't RSVP but show up, I'd say (deep breath first of course), "I'm so sorry we counted the RSVPs and only have enough space and food for that many. Give me a call if you want to swing by sometime next week to have tea." and gently close the door. Well, that's what I'd try to do, not sure I could, but I'd try. Or you could do one part at a place (like McD's or Chuckie Cheese) and your fam would divert some attention away from his crazy fam.

So sorry for your dilemma. Family can be difficult right? On the plus side, if you can figure out a rough plan for dealing with this, it can be tweeked for any family event and your future w/DFI will be easier.



Best of luck to you.

 

[JerseyJanice]

These people aren't even your in-laws yet!

I don't know what to say, except I wouldn't want either the grandmother or the nutty aunt at the party. Both sound horribly inconsiderate.

 

[Nancyg56]

Wow! on the food allergy nastiness! I would not have that, not for one single minute. as a PP said, that product, gift, whatever would be stuck in a bag, handed back to the giver and I would ask that it be removed to their vehicle immediately with the explanation that DD has a deadly allergy. If this has happened before there simply is not excuse for it to happen again.

I would have one party at your Aunt's home if that is okay with her. Invite who you want and if you do not want the extended family explain to Grandma why.

 

[AmyinKY]

Why not have DF's grandmother host the party?

 

[turkeymama]

Why not have DF's grandmother host the party?

While it sounds like a good idea in theory, the food allergy issue would likely be a bigger issue if that happened. OP would have little to no control over what treats her daughter would be exposed to. If she hosts the party in her own home, she can exert much greater control, which is non-negotiable given the history of the family, imho.

 

[AmyinKY]

OK, still think outside the box. Have it at a resturant like Dairy Queen, Chuck E Cheese, etc. Some place that will hold the amount that DGM will invite but will not allow food to be brought in. This will curtail the food allergy aspect while allowing for more people to come.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Why not have DF's grandmother host the party?

b/c I still would be around his aunt who brings nuts around DD.

LAST November his aunt made a cake covered in nuts for someone's birthday and we were at this party...leaving nothing for my DD to eat, while everyone was eating cake. Me and fiance went into another room while everyone was eating and we decided to just pack up and go right then and there. We packed up, said goodbye and told everyone to blow DD a kiss as she could not have contact with them since they just ATE nuts and KISSING DD would be putting her in contact with them and she could have a reaction. They seemed very taken back by this, like as if I was doing this as punishment but its just the fact of our daughter's life.


Then LAST Christmas Eve we both decided we would go to his grandmother's house, but NOT to this aunt's house (she lives a few blocks away from his grandmother). We told his grandmother we were not going down to his aunt's, they decided they were and left us at their house on Christmas eve. We should have given an explanation like "we're not going down there b/c we have been bombarded with peanuts from his aunt every time we see her" but we did not. Looking back, I just should have said it. But this year on Christmas Eve while we were at his grandparents she was no where to be found, her hubby and 2 kids were there, but she was not. Not sure if we had something to do with that b/c of what occurred last Christmas, but honestly I don't care. But again, although she was not there, she still sent over the jelly beans that were on a machinery with nuts.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

We do at most, only TWO celebrations.

If we have a party--we only have ONE party. The other celebration is a private family affair on the celebrants day--so cake for me,DH and the children.

Multiple parties is a bunch of nonsense, IMHO. We have phased out of adult invite parties for the kiddo's.

My 7yo this year, passed on her b-day party in lieu of getting a DS. She consulted us on our budget for her party and b-day and then asked if all the monies could go towards a DS instead. Her only "party" was a birthday cupcake on her birthday at Disney--and I couldn't go b/c I was too sick. But it was just a private family celebration.

And anyone who endangers my child's health would not be welcome in my home, end of story. And if it is an in-law, then my DH (or in your case , DF) would have to suck it up and deal with the disappointment...end of story.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok....so here's the deal. This is long so...please have patience.

My DD is turning 5 in about 2 weeks. We usually end up having 3 parties. We usually do a joint party (My DD and my aunt's little boy's birthday are 10 days apart, so we just have 2 cakes, celebrate together with MY family at my aunt's house). Then we do another party with fiance's family, AND a little cake with just me, fiance, DD and my parents on her actual birthday.

Every year there's drama when we have DD's birthday with fiance's family. Every year for the past 2 years fiance calls his sis, mom and dad, and his grandparents and invite them for cake for DD, as these are the people from his side that we see the most. BUT his grandmother calls the rest of the family (aunts, uncle, cousins, and invites them as well which adds 7-8 more people to our guest list). We only see these aunts and uncles at Christmas, we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and we just simply don't have enough room for all these people. Since this has happened 2 years in a row that his grandmother has taken in upon herself to invite more people against our wishes I am just thinking of not having them here at all. Also, one of his aunts CONSTANTLY somehow someway tries to sneak in a peanut product and we have stressed many times that we are a peanut free home b/c DD is severely allergic to peanuts. She has made cakes covered in nuts, given DD peanut butter cups and snickers in an easter basket, and this year for Christmas gave her jelly beans which are also made on machinery with nuts. She also regifts gifts, giving my daughter items her daughter does not want or has double of (i.e. last year she got a size 14/16 HS musical shirt for Christmas...again my daughter is only going to be 5).

So my question is....what do I do? IF we could just have his sis, parents, and grandparents here I would be more than willing to have a party for her with them, but this never goes as planned. Fiance will be mad if I exclude his family, but I just don't like that his grandmother invites everyone although we have stressed it will only be the above mentioned guests, and the fact that his aunt must be dying to see my child go into anafalactic shock, it just makes me want to drop the whole party idea. But I know he will be mad if I have a party with my family and not his, and I am not willing to give up the party with my family. Please help![/quote]

1) Tell your fiance that he has to set up and host the party with his family. Let him be a corrections officer at the door and frisk the offensive aunt for contraband. In other words take control of his family.

2) You have one party for both sides of the family. (This is what we did. I am only doing 1 party.)

3) You talk to your fiance and tell him your concerns. Both of you come up with a solution that works for both of you. I recommend this solution for you since you have weird issues surrounding your DF family.
I think hosting his family party at a venue away from your apartment would be a good compromise in addition to your DH getting serious with monitoring the nutty aunt.

 

[turkeymama]

OK, still think outside the box. Have it at a resturant like Dairy Queen, Chuck E Cheese, etc. Some place that will hold the amount that DGM will invite but will not allow food to be brought in. This will curtail the food allergy aspect while allowing for more people to come.

Good idea, and not a bad compromise.

 

[minniecarousel]

Some people just do not "get" the peanut allergy thing. They think you're making it up or over-reacting. You have to stay vigilant. Let them think that you're being over-protective. You have to do what's best for your daughter's health.

Good luck on whatever you end up doing.

 

[kidzmom3]

this is my advice and my opinion. We also deal with a peanut (legume) and a tree nut allergy in our family:

It is obvious your fiance really wants all these relatives, or hewould have done something about His family before now. Your real problem is with him. I would just suck it up and cram everyone into your apartment. If it were really that uncomfortable, they wouldn't come year after year.


Peanuts- you have to control this. Others either don't or won't ever understand. Instead of getting angry, roll with it. How hard was it to discard the jelly beans??? Many people don't even think to read the label on something that seems peanut free (like jelly beans made with no chocolate). Do you honestly think she is going out of her way to harm your daughter? If the answer is yes, you have a Much Bigger Problem on your hands

You should always bring something you DD can eat. Is it a pain? yes Is it unfair? Yes But she will deal with this her whole life. Office party, cake you can't eat. Friends birthday party? goodie bag treats she can't have. Some restaurants, no deserts that a nut free. You have to be the proactive one.

 

[hedgehog2owl]

Can you rent a banquet room at a restaurant for that party? That way there is room and no outside food allowed.

I know it seems like a reward for their bad behavior...but may save you a headache.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I also like the idea of holding one party somewhere like Chuck E. Cheese. Invite the other birthday boy to celebrate his birthday there, too. Have only one party. Tell everyone when and where it will be held. If they come, fine. If they don't, fine. Your DD will have a great time playing the games and it will be more fun for her than a house party with all that relative drama.

 

[clovergirl5]

I also like the idea of holding one party somewhere like Chuck E. Cheese. Invite the other birthday boy to celebrate his birthday there, too. Have only one party. Tell everyone when and where it will be held. If they come, fine. If they don't, fine. Your DD will have a great time playing the games and it will be more fun for her than a house party with all that relative drama.

Thats what we do and it works out very well and no messes to clean up

 

[dodukes]

I wouldnt get to upset over the jelly beans, maybe she was trying to do a nut free and didnt realize the facility issue. just giving a different perspective.

 

[Bren's Mom]

OP, do you happen to have an expired EpiPen handy? This is what I'd do. Invite all of the relatives to grandma's house, well before the party. Do NOT have your dd in attendance (but definitely your df should be there!). Tell everyone that you know they love dd and that you need to be sure that she is safe. Tell them that since they refuse to heed your warnings about her nut allergy that instead you are going to prepare them for treating anaphylaxis. Go over again the rules about nuts and your dd. Show them the EpiPen. Then ask for volunteers, tell 'em you're going to try it out on them so they can understand better how it works and how painful it is so they can 'properly comfort' your dd when it happens. And tell them it WILL happen since they keep ignoring the rules.

Hopefully after that they'll all toe the line. Leave them with a written set of rules for attending any party at your home. Let them know anyone breaking the rules will not be allowed back and they have NO excuses since you have told them the rules IN WRITING!

 

[Robindianne]

This is a brilliant idea!

OP, do you happen to have an expired EpiPen handy? This is what I'd do. Invite all of the relatives to grandma's house, well before the party. Do NOT have your dd in attendance (but definitely your df should be there!). Tell everyone that you know they love dd and that you need to be sure that she is safe. Tell them that since they refuse to heed your warnings about her nut allergy that instead you are going to prepare them for treating anaphylaxis. Go over again the rules about nuts and your dd. Show them the EpiPen. Then ask for volunteers, tell 'em you're going to try it out on them so they can understand better how it works and how painful it is so they can 'properly comfort' your dd when it happens. And tell them it WILL happen since they keep ignoring the rules.

Hopefully after that they'll all toe the line. Leave them with a written set of rules for attending any party at your home. Let them know anyone breaking the rules will not be allowed back and they have NO excuses since you have told them the rules IN WRITING!