help me figure out dd (like THATS possible!)

[luvmyfam444]

She's 12. She is really struggling in school - mostly because she chooses not to study - bring home the book, info, etc.
SHe made a 15 on Friday on a test. on a vocab test - that when she actually studies for she typically makes an A. Its not like she's not smart.

SHe does really struggle with math (she gets tutored) but I don't mean that class.

What's driving me crazy I guess is the lack of motivation - she doesn't care how she's doing in school.

I have nothing to take away - other than her radio which she listens to @ bed time (she isn't allowd to listen @ hw time anymore) - she doesn't do any extra curricular activities

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No kid wants to purposely flunk. I would suggest counseling because you are describing a child who is depressed.

 

[golfgal]

Sounds like she has way too much time on her hands. I would sign her up for some activities to help her with time management skills. I know my oldest does MUCH better in school when he is busier-not too busy but knows he only has x amount of time to get homework done, etc. When he doesn't have anything to do he tends to put off doing homework then doesn't want to do the work later.

I would check to see if her school books are available online or if you can get an extra copy to keep at home too. She sounds like a lot of 12 year olds though.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The above post is correct.

No normal kid PURPOSEFULLY chooses to fail.

I strongly suspect other issues.
And the OP's other post here on the DIS this morning might hold some clues.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I have had some trouble with my Dd who is 12 too. She is a cheerleader and HAS to keep her grades up or she will get kicked off of the team. She was doing bad in a Reading enrichment (elective) class of all things. She has an A in English. Anyway, I called the school and talked to the counselor & asked her to talk to DD, I talked to the teacher and I am on her about all of her classes, her homework, helping her study for test and all of that, until I can trust that she can do it on her own again.

There is a big difference in Middle School than 5th & 6th grade. They change classes and all of that so it's different. But, I think the more that the parents are involved in making sure that their child is doing what he or she should, the better the child will do, especially if you have one that has a hard time staying focused or motivated. By the time they get into High school, things will be better.

 

[Holly]

OP, please know that I am coming from a place of non-judgment. Parenting is not easy and I am so thankful for the advice I've gotten over the years.


I wanted to quote something that Wishing on a star posted in your other thread:

Unless there is more to the story...

1. She did without lunch.... natural consequences.
2.. By your own words, probably EVERYONE is going (and that is the bottom line at that age). I have to wonder why she was so hesitant to ask for five bucks for something like this? Why would she have been hesitant/afraid.
3. I don't think punishing and micromanagement (why I am thinking she may have been so hesitant to ask) are not the way to go. If you want to make sure she eats, write a check to the school to keep her lunch account funded.

If there is micromanagement and judgment and punishment going on over things like this.... kids will only be more likely to keep more and more things like this from their parents as they get older.... There will likely be real issues (not just powder puff) in the near future.

This is true.

It does seem like there is micromanaging going on. That really leads to power struggles over things that aren't that important, and when the important things come up kids no longer care because they're so used to being managed and "losing".

I also wonder why your daughter has "nothing to take away"?

 

[SC Minnie]

Is she hanging out with a different group of friends? Are their kids in this class that she is trying to 'impress' by not being 'smart'? I know it sounds weird but a thought.

Something is up with this class. It is time for a conference with the teacher to see if they have seen something going on bwtn the kids.

 

[kellyg403]

12 is such a hard age, everything in their life is changing. Elementary to Middle school where the teachers are no longer holding their hand so to speak, peers, social experiences, wanting to be 'like' everyone else. From you post you say she has no activities outside of school. I would encourage you to help her sign up for something, anything in school like the yearbook committe or student council or after school programs. Your dd is having to learn all social skills at school. She is choosing social over studying and getting great grades because it is the most exciting part of her life. And that is something you must remember when dealing with a 12 yo girl, social is EVERYTHING when you get to middle school. Girls can be mean and catty and your dd is struggling to fit it. She is probably already different in that she doesn't belong to any activities, as most are probably cheering, dancing, girl scouts, sports etc.

Good Luck OP, it is hard when our children grow up, but you have to guide her now, not punish blindly. If everything she does is met with punishment how will she learn to make sound solid decisions for herself?

Kelly

 

[HM]

I'd start by having her do her homework immediately after she gets a snack when she get home. Set up a homework area in the "family" part of the house so you can be there if she has questions about what she's doing.

Take time to talk to her about what she wants to do with her future. Show her how doing well in school can help her get where she wants to go. She needs to know that you are behind her in her efforts, but not leading the effort. That is up to her.

Get her involved in extracurricular activities. Any clubs she might want to join? Any sport she might like to try? Middle School is the time to be exploring new things so that when she gets to HS, she has an idea of what she wants to participate in (and it's really important at that level that she does things other than school). If there is nothing she wants to do at school, how about church youth group, volunteering? She needs some things to 'call her own' at this age.

Good luck.

 

[Magpie]

I'll second having "homework time" right after school, in a special place with a snack available. Get in contact with her teachers and find out what her homework is going to be for each night. Don't rely on her to tell you! On nights when she has no homework and hasn't any projects she can work ahead on, then pick a topic and do 15 to 20 minutes of extra study. She can always memorize French verbs, or something.

I've had to start doing this with my son, and he's gradually discovering that it's better to just get the work done. Yes, I'm micromanaging him. No, I don't much care for it - it's a pain in the butt and a heck of a lot of work. But I'm already finding myself able to back off a little, and hopefully in a month or two I'll be able to turn a lot of the responsibility back over to him.

When my son complains that I'm on his case too much, I just point out why. If I hadn't gotten that call from his teacher and seen those low test marks, we wouldn't be here right now. If he wants me off his back, he's going to have to prove he can be trusted to do the work on his own.

It's just like when he was a toddler and I was training him to pick up his toys. Picking up his toys was the right thing to do. When he refused I'd take his hand, put a toy in it, and walk him over to the toy box and drop it in. I'd say, "It's my job to make sure you do the right thing. If you won't do it, then I'll help you. If you don't want me helping you, then you can learn to do it by yourself!" He got real good at picking up those toys on his own!

 

[barkley]

She's 12. She is really struggling in school - mostly because she chooses not to study - bring home the book, info, etc.
SHe made a 15 on Friday on a test. on a vocab test - that when she actually studies for she typically makes an A. Its not like she's not smart.

SHe does really struggle with math (she gets tutored) but I don't mean that class.

What's driving me crazy I guess is the lack of motivation - she doesn't care how she's doing in school.

I have nothing to take away - other than her radio which she listens to @ bed time (she isn't allowd to listen @ hw time anymore) - she doesn't do any extra curricular activities

you posted another thread regarding her purchasing a powder puff football game ticket with monies for another purpose, if you are looking fod something to take away from her, that is an extracurricular activity.

 

[Hannathy]

Woah that isn't much of a life for a 12 yr old! Why no activities? She should be out trying new things and activities. and making some decisions, but you want to punish her for doing just that.

Add in the micromanaging that you do and and I seriously think the child is
Depressed! Or just resentful of you not letting her do anything.

Why do you want to look at everything as punishment? Try working with her and lightening up and she may do a lot better. No wonder she bought the ticket when she had the chance.


Why should she care she doesn't do anything but exist. Remember all work and no play makes a dull person.

 

[suzcruz]

i do wonder why your daughter has no extra activities after school? agree with PP who said if there is too much free time, it's easy to delay, etc. When my DD12 gets home from school, she needs alittle downtime & a snack. Then she knows she has to start her homework. She swims 3x a week, has religion class, and is in a charity group, both meet once every 2 weeks. It is hard to find a balance between some activities and too many, but none isn't good. Also agree that there are a lot of changes going on this year, & with school getting more difficult, it's a great time for you to teach her study skills, organization & time management. How is she doing socially?

 

[luvmyfam444]

she does not do any extra curricular activities 'cause we can't come up with anything she wants to try. I offer all the time to try something else.

She's already tried violin, piano, tennis, soccer, ballet, softball & basketball (of course over the years).

The sports here @ her age are pretty much full of the select players. So she wouldn't make any of the middle school teams & the rec league is the same kids

She's in band during school - she likes that

 

[luvmyfam444]

you posted another thread regarding her purchasing a powder puff football game ticket with monies for another purpose, if you are looking fod something to take away from her, that is an extracurricular activity.

Ahh didn't think of that since its during school.

 

[luvmyfam444]

She is involved in youth group on Weds - but we're all there its not like she has a choice - she's gonna be there regardless. She loves it so that's not an issue.

 

[MushyMushy]

My son was like that in middle school. He wasn't interested in "things," so he had very few things to take away from him. He only had a couple of activities that he liked (skateboarding, biking), which we did take away sparingly. Some kids are just like that.

So instead of looking for ways to punish, how about trying to find some rewards? That would often work for us (but not always). "If you can go X amount of time doing Y, we'll get you Z." Z usually ended up being a video game or things you could purchase for that video game. You just have to find the right Z to motivate.

 

[Polyluvr]

No kid wants to purposely flunk. I would suggest counseling because you are describing a child who is depressed.

ITA w this~ sounds exactly like my DD @ that age; we got her into some therapy~ she was having a bunch of issues- her grades were suffering;having someone to talk too helped tremendously.

After that we also got her some academic help thru Sylvan and she was a changed girl~ she is now a freshman in college; and is loving every minute!

Please speak to her pediatrician for a referral to a child psychiatrist.

You won't be sorry~

 

[luvmyfam444]

She has not brought home bad report card grades or anything - just C's.

I do think she's overwhelmed with the work load - her homework takes forever -

I give her a few mins of downtime for snack & to visit with her sisters before homework.

We have to stay on her to get her to complete it - she'll doodle or something if she's not checked on.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If she is in band have you looked into music lessons after school? Community theatre? How about scouts or a church group? There are LOTS of things that are not sports/dance.
Some kids just have a hard time trying new things nad making themselves get invloved--though they end up liking the things they do once they get into them. My daughter is that way (my son always wnats to sign up or everything, but never wants to actually go when the time comes--and always loves it once I make him go).

I solved that for us by making a rules that everyone has to have something that gets them out of the house in a group setting (beyond school) at least twice a week and at least once must be somewhat physical (exercise goes a long way toward boosting their mood in the hormonal years too). I make them stick with whatever they decide (they can try a taster class or two but must be trying several options then so that they can find one quickly) for half a year (obviously if there was a real reason to pull them sooner, like a bully for a coach, etc we would). This may not work for everyone but for us it does get them out and after some initial resistance they do enjoy things. I also TRY to find things that involve a different group of kids than at school--just to widen the social network.

Right now my son is in tap and ballet and my daughter is in Girl Scouts and swimming (NOT competitive--she hates any kind of competitive sport). In the past few years they have been in theatre (on stage for my son, as a techie for my daughter), rock climbing, jazz dance, karate, helping lead a Daisy scout troop, working with mentally disabled adults, teen book club at the library, summer kayaking club, lego robotics, and karate. (just to give you ideas of non traditional places to look).