help me figure out dd (like THATS possible!)

[Disney Doll]

I'd second the suggestion to talk to a therapist. Perhaps she has something on the spectrum of learning disabilities and just needs to be shown tools to offset it? Perhaps she is depressed? Realistically, punishing her isn't going to work because she sounds somewhat apathetic, so she won't care if she gets punished. A therapist might be able to "flesh out" what's happening and then give you all the tools to fix it.

 

[shortbun]

Sounds like you and your daughter are really at odds. The other post and this one being my data. My son is 15. We monitored his homework, showing him how to organize things right through middle school. He's not without his problems but he does do his homework and keeps on top of things. You might consider counseling for your family. When you said you give her a few minutes to talk to her sisters, I thought, 'poor thing' - she gets home and only has a 'few minutes' to unwind before she does her mountain of homework. She's under a lot of stress, from you and from school. Thus, she is depressed. Stop pushing her and give her some loving support instead. Most teachers run their classrooms by routine. Vocab tests always on Friday(or some other day), math quiz every Tuesday and so forth. Do you know that routine? She's a A student and she's tired. Tired of the constant pressure and tight control at home, tired of the heavy homework from school. You are in control of ONE of these issues, why not change it?

 

[MELSMICE]

she does not do any extra curricular activities 'cause we can't come up with anything she wants to try. I offer all the time to try something else.

She's already tried violin, piano, tennis, soccer, ballet, softball & basketball (of course over the years).

The sports here @ her age are pretty much full of the select players. So she wouldn't make any of the middle school teams & the rec league is the same kids

She's in band during school - she likes that

Is she artsy at all? We have all kinds of clubs at our schools that kids can get involved in that don't include sports or musical talent.

Even in middle school there was the yearbook club, Quill (which is a newsletter writing type club), art clubs, photo clubs. Maybe there is something that will peak her interest & she just hasn't found it yet.

Middle school is a touch time. The "groups/cliches" are forming, whether we like it or not. She may be depressed because she hasn't found her niche yet. See if she's interested in finding an activity at school.

Good luck.

Also, I read your other post - I wouldn't take away the Powder Puff ticket. IMO it will make things worse & she'll be resentful. Let her go & have fun with her friends because I think she really needs it.

 

[RitaE]

Even if it is just a regular Saturday afternoon date with a friend to go see a movie and then run by Claires to check out the new junky earrings - teen/pre-teen girls need something FUN in their lives.

Honestly, who could get excited about a life of get up, go to school, do homework, eat, go to bed. repeat.

Is it any wonder she'd be unmotivated and have problems developing goals?

 

[ccgirl]

She has not brought home bad report card grades or anything - just C's.

I do think she's overwhelmed with the work load - her homework takes forever -

I give her a few mins of downtime for snack & to visit with her sisters before homework.

We have to stay on her to get her to complete it - she'll doodle or something if she's not checked on.

In my house C's are a bad report card (unless accompanied by positive comments like shows sincere effort).

I see nothing wrong with giving a few minutes of downtime and snack. In my house, there is no downtime. Homework first then rest of the night to yourself. Each child is different but when my DD gets out of school mode she is out of school mode and doing homework later at night is just painful. You said she has nothing else to take away. Does she have a cell phone? Does she watch t.v? Does she go out with friends at all? A PP suggested a reward system rather than a punishment system. That is what works best for my DD. Rather than punishment, she earns rewards - whether it be 5 stickers and a trip to the movies, 1 hr of t.v time etc. She seems to do better with positive rather than negative reinforcement. However, it sounds like something else is going on her as there seem to have been a string of negative events. I would definitely look toward a counselor for some guidance. Good luck!

 

[HM]

The sports here @ her age are pretty much full of the select players. So she wouldn't make any of the middle school teams & the rec league is the same kids

Don't be so sure. A lot of middle schools do not 'cut' students that want to play. Check with your school's athletic director about their policy. The idea is that these kids should be learning and participating and often kids haven't had a chance to play because of cost or other reasons. They want as many kids to participate as can. She may not be the best on the team, but she'll be on the team, making new friends, getting exercise and experience with competition. She might want to try cross-country next fall or track in the spring. Both sports have room for all kinds of kids. She could start running now to get ready.

 

[suzcruz]

i know what you are saying about sports teams, but what about the Y? They have some just for fun/exercise classes. Does she have a friend she could do a class with? Does she have playdates? I would tell her that she can choose what she wants to do (within budget & reality of course) but that she must do one thing and not just sit on the couch & be a slug all day (thats what mine would do if allowed to).

My kid also would doodle instead of working so I check what homework she has that night, what things are coming up, and that she is doing her independent reading. I also help her study for tests , she usually has a study guide and i quiz her on it. I am very involved now, but feel like she is seeing the good results and is learning to do it herself. Don't feel that because she doesnt have great study skills now that she is being bad, it's more like she is being 12.

Our school has a computer program where you can view the homework and each kid also has an agenda where they are supposed to write their assignments in. You may have to be more involved for a while.

This may be about your DD having problems with the actual schoolwork, or how to do it, or problems with friends/fitting into middle school, or as others have suggested, some medical-type issue, but it doesn't sound medical to me as you stated she could do the work well if she tries.

 

[Magic Mom]

She sounds depressed. She has nothing to really look forward to. Does she like animals? 4-H has some great clubs-rabbits, dogs, horses. Keep trying to get her involved. Kids in activities (sports, clubs, etc.) generally have higher grades than kids that aren't involved in anything.

 

[golfgal]

If she is struggling with her homework so much, have you talked with her teachers about that? Do they see the same thing in school? Is she in the right level of classes for her. Could she possibly have a learning disability?

 

[NHdisneylover]

She is involved in youth group on Weds - but we're all there its not like she has a choice - she's gonna be there regardless. She loves it so that's not an issue.

I missed this earlier. If she loves youth group, can you make an effort to help her get together with friends from there at other times? Perhaps she would also enjoy taking a class or sport with someone from the group?

 

[JoiseyMom]

No kid wants to purposely flunk. I would suggest counseling because you are describing a child who is depressed.

Wrong.. my DD14 made the decision when she was 12 (and younger) that she was ok with a C, especially if she didn't have to study. She was very ok with getting an F in an assignment knowing she would still pass the class.

And no, she isn't/wasn't depressed. She was smart enough to know what she wanted and what the consequences of her actions were. It drove me nuts (didn't bug DH, cause he is a mini him ). She would always do well on the first report card, and go downhill fast. She has ADD and has a 504, so the books came home and we had them. Our biggest issue was HW. Teachers were suppsoed to tell us after 2 or 3 missing assignments, so we could get her to catch up before she became overwhelmed. OY!!

She is now in HS and so far so good. Maturity will help. We tried rewards. We have a brand new cherry apple red Fender Electric guitar, that was purchased 2 years ago. She hasn't earned it yet! I am hoping this year..we shall see what happens.

Its very frustrating...DD is so so smart (she doesn't think she is) and has so much potential. We have also drummed into her that teachers in HS will not be nice like in previous years.

YOu can try rewards..but she has to realized the consequences. Talk to teachers about her assignments and try to stay on top of it. But if she wants to fail, she will, and she has to realize what is going to happen if she does.

Good luck...it does get better!

 

[Sugardimples]

I think she sounds depressed. Get her to a doctor and take this seriously. She needs help. Not help from you, professional help.

 

[golfgal]

Wrong.. my DD14 made the decision when she was 12 (and younger) that she was ok with a C, especially if she didn't have to study. She was very ok with getting an F in an assignment knowing she would still pass the class.

And no, she isn't/wasn't depressed. She was smart enough to know what she wanted and what the consequences of her actions were. It drove me nuts (didn't bug DH, cause he is a mini him ). She would always do well on the first report card, and go downhill fast. She has ADD and has a 504, so the books came home and we had them. Our biggest issue was HW. Teachers were suppsoed to tell us after 2 or 3 missing assignments, so we could get her to catch up before she became overwhelmed. OY!!

She is now in HS and so far so good. Maturity will help. We tried rewards. We have a brand new cherry apple red Fender Electric guitar, that was purchased 2 years ago. She hasn't earned it yet! I am hoping this year..we shall see what happens.

Its very frustrating...DD is so so smart (she doesn't think she is) and has so much potential. We have also drummed into her that teachers in HS will not be nice like in previous years.

YOu can try rewards..but she has to realized the consequences. Talk to teachers about her assignments and try to stay on top of it. But if she wants to fail, she will, and she has to realize what is going to happen if she does.

Good luck...it does get better!

If a child isn't motivated internally, no amount of rewards/punishments are going to do anything for them. THEY need to make the decision to do well or not. As a parent you just need to keep letting them know that you do expect more out of them.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wrong.. my DD14 made the decision when she was 12 (and younger) that she was ok with a C, especially if she didn't have to study. She was very ok with getting an F in an assignment knowing she would still pass the class.

Sadly, this is still also an age when some many girls intentionally sabotage their grades so that they do not appear too smart to their peers. Many kids still view smart as not cool or desirable (ie--some girls o it to fit in better with other girls and some to not intimidate the boys). I have NO idea if this could be the case with the OP's daughter or not, but it is something to think about for anyone whose daughter suddenly neglects school work at this age.

 

[golfgal]

Sadly, this is still also an age when some many girls intentionally sabotage their grades so that they do not appear too smart to their peers. Many kids still view smart as not cool or desirable (ie--some girls o it to fit in better with other girls and some to not intimidate the boys). I have NO idea if this could be the case with the OP's daughter or not, but it is something to think about for anyone whose daughter suddenly neglects school work at this age.

That is a real possibility too-I am SO glad we didn't have that issue here-it's not cool to have bad grades here.

 

[bumbershoot]

i know what you are saying about sports teams, but what about the Y? They have some just for fun/exercise classes.

Good idea! I never went to the Y as a kid (though I started doing aerobics as a teen elsewhere), but seeing all the our Y has to offer, I wish it had been around in my area when I was a kid!

The only extracurricular I did growing until high school was flute and piano. And those were mainly b/c I had zero choice in the matter; and I tried to do well simply b/c I didn't want to humiliate myself in public.

I wouldn't have been able to study if we didn't have some sound in the room...TV on something uninteresting or music...I lose all focus if there's utter silence. Just a thought. Oh, and my brother would listen to ONE album while studying each subject. So Iron Maiden for math, Megadeth for English, etc etc. And then as he was doing the tests for each subject, if he reminded himself of the music, he could think back to the studying, and he did VERY well with this method. That's another "just a thought", but also an idea.


Anyway, I don't see a lack of extracurriculars as being something dreadful...I wasn't interested in 4H like some other friends, I didn't do sports (though looking back I probably should have joined track or xcountry b/c I was running anyway), etc etc... No big deal. And then in high school I suddenly and randomly and surprisingly joined Theater! No one saw that coming, not even me!


Oh, since she's wanting to go to the powderpuff game...that shows an interest!

Sadly, this is still also an age when some many girls intentionally sabotage their grades so that they do not appear too smart to their peers. Many kids still view smart as not cool or desirable (ie--some girls o it to fit in better with other girls and some to not intimidate the boys). I have NO idea if this could be the case with the OP's daughter or not, but it is something to think about for anyone whose daughter suddenly neglects school work at this age.

Absolutely! I totally fell into that problem. Started around 7th grade, and didn't end until one day in Sophomore English, the non-honors class. Went from the "gifted and talented" program in elementary into the basic classes... And then for 11th grade I bumped myself up to Honors for English and History and was much happier! Sure wish I hadn't let the thought of being too smart in front of boys get to me like that, but it happened. Not sure what on earth my mom could have possibly done, other than put me in an all-girls school (which might not have been a horrid idea, much as it felt that way at the time!)...

 

[kacaju]

She sounds depressed. She has nothing to really look forward to. Does she like animals? 4-H has some great clubs-rabbits, dogs, horses. Keep trying to get her involved. Kids in activities (sports, clubs, etc.) generally have higher grades than kids that aren't involved in anything.

I was thinking 4-H as well. IF she doesn't like animal 4-H offers many non animal things as well. My oldest has done a national trip to DC with 4-H and is heading to Atlanta in Nov with 4-H. She also went to North Dakota in the summer with 4-H

 

[luvmyfam444]

thanks for the opinions! I left a message for the school counselor. We will start there.

She definitely doesnt have the issue of being unliked 'cause she's smart - several of her friends are gifted.

Her best friend (yep gifted) moved up to the higher band (8thgraders & select 7th graders) and that really upset her - we had to convince her to stick with it. And she has done fine - really likes it - but of course hates to practice.

I have looked on the school's website & I go over it with her ocassionally when I see some group listed & ask her about joining them - but nothing has come up.

I'd hate to send her out on sports team where she'd be totally embarrased 'cause she is nowhere in the caliber of the other girls.

Track could be a good thing for her - she missed sign ups for this year - the signed up before last school year ended. She wanted to try cross country - so we started running to get ready over the summer. She was miserable in the heat & then in the gym she whined as well. So needless to say when time came to join she changed her mind.

I've been brainstorming for a while of what else to put her in. I've been thiking of baton - it would be fun I think for her - but then again one of her good friends excels in this - she won a big nat'l championship this summer.

DD doesn't ask to try anything really.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I took her scrapbooking & she really enjoyed it & she likes to help in the kitchen - but those aren't exactly after school activities - ya know?

She's NOT a hermit. She's outside playing as often as she can - with her sisters & the neighbor girl -they play basketball, soccer, ride bikes - scooter.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I took her scrapbooking & she really enjoyed it & she likes to help in the kitchen - but those aren't exactly after school activities - ya know?

She's NOT a hermit. She's outside playing as often as she can - with her sisters & the neighbor girl -they play basketball, soccer, ride bikes - scooter.

lots of places have culinary classes for kids/tweens and teens now. You might be surprised if you start to look into it. My son is taking a culinary class starting in February and both kids are taking a one day mocktails workshop around the same time.

You also mentioned doodling ans scrapbooking so I would be looking into various art type classes. Drawing, painting, bead work, photography (maybe you can set aside some one on one time once a month or so to scrapbook all of her shots), stained glass, pottery, ceramics, etc.--there are LOTS of things out there.