Help me be tactful

[runwad]

Ok here's my dilemna...DS 7 1/2 has started to be close buddies with 10 yr old neighbor boy. Kid is ok but kind of a handful at home and school. DH does not want our son to be friends with this boy. But it's kinda hard to stop that when they go to the same daycare and play together at home. There is another neighbor boy across the street same age as DS but he is gone alot due to siblings activities. Oh and to make it more uncomfortable for me I started walking regularly with this kids mom. She's been calling me more and more to watch her son...luckily we've had other plans...but tonight she called AGAIN to see if my son could spend the night at her house. DH says NO WAY...so i said no we have plans tomorrow (I work part time, she's off this week) and he's tired from getting up early for daycare and swimming tonight. She says well hopefully we'll be able to make this work cause her son really wants my son to spend the night. I said well I'll have to talk to DH about that. I can't say we don't let DS spend the night at others houses cause she knows he has at the little boys across the street. I don't know what to say to get her to buzz off...and her kid is the type that will keep harping till the mom says yes, which she does. Honestly I don't mind DS playing w/this boy OUTSIDE where I can keep an eye on them but we don't let DS in their house too often. I just don't know how to get out of this without hurt feelings ....So what do you think?

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I think, when it's your child involved, you can't get caught up in making sure the other mom's feelings don't get hurt. No matter how you spin it, she's going to be miffed (just like you would be miffed if she didn't want her kid hanging out with your boy). There's not much you can do about it. I would just be honest with her, and tell her that you aren't comfortable with your son spending the night at her house. If she presses for a reason, tell her the truth - but really, as a mom, she should just respect the fact that you're not comfortable and drop it.

Hopefully she can be adult about it, and thank you for your honesty. And if she can't, then you absolutely know you've made the best move by not letting your son spend the night in her care.

 

[Frankiesmom]

You say this kid is ok but kindof a handful? And that your DH desn't want your son to be friends with him??? I would think that that whole line of thinking is going to be really difficult when this family are neighbors of yours. Are there any REAL reasons that your DH doesn't like this kid? If it was me; I would veto my DH and let my son spend the night if that's what HE wanted to do. If after that; it didn't work well- then there is your reason behind saying no. Maybe if you give this friendship between these kids a chance you might find that this little boy grows on you- and your son!

 

[rt2dz]

It's hard to give any type of opinion without the reasons that make this kid a less desirable friend and why you don't let your DS in his house. Is it the kid or the parents/family?

 

[luvmy3]

You say this kid is ok but kindof a handful? And that your DH desn't want your son to be friends with him??? I would think that that whole line of thinking is going to be really difficult when this family are neighbors of yours. Are there any REAL reasons that your DH doesn't like this kid? If it was me; I would veto my DH and let my son spend the night if that's what HE wanted to do. If after that; it didn't work well- then there is your reason behind saying no. Maybe if you give this friendship between these kids a chance you might find that this little boy grows on you- and your son!

Or the opposite could happen. YOur son may find he doesn't want to be friends with this other boy and vice versa.
I don't think that you should let your ds spend the night because HE wants to, you are the parents and it is your decision. Maybe you could talk to the other mom and explain because of the age difference you are not comfortable with him spending the night. I know there are a few boys in my dd's 4th grade who are alot more mature than the kids in my ds 2nd grade (7 & 8 year olds). I wouldn't mind a 10 year old boy playing at my house but my 7 1/2 yr old ds would not be spending the night at his.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I am going to agree with luvmy3 in that it is your decision and you could use the age difference as an excuse.

If he is just a handful because he is hyper and immature, then this will not rub off on your child. On the other hand, if he does bad things such as foul language or things that could get in serious trouble, then I would say no.

 

[karajeboo]

Maybe you could talk to the other mom and explain because of the age difference you are not comfortable with him spending the night.

Love this idea! I would totally use the age difference, in that can be a very real problem with maturity levels, interests, etc.

We are in a very similar situation in that we just don't like this little girl that DD7 plays with. We moved to a new city, new neighborhood, new school, etc, in November, and it just so happens that this little girl in DD's new class lives right around the corner. But the mom and dad are also new to town so they have been using us to help out with babysitting, etc, while both parents are out of town (the mom just got a new job and had to travel a bit in the beginning). Finally, I got tired of the little girl inviting herself over, etc, and I quit inviting her over. I think the parents got the hint, although we still run into them and we're all still friendly.

 

[runwad]

Well what makes him an undesirable child is he gets in trouble in school and has brought my DS down along w/him a few times. One example...he is so into WWF and is always doing those moves on my son. Well he came up behind him at school and put a choke hold on him. My son reached around grabbed his backpack and slammed this friend on the ground and they both got sent to the principals office for fighting. But they weren't fighting just clowing around and my DS was just trying to get this kid to lay off the neck hold. Now even though my son is younger/smaller, he's a tough little buggar and can take care of himself..so that was strike one against the neighbor boy. Then in the winter neighbor boy threw a snowball at my son at school and so my son threw a snowball back...once again off to the principals office for both. My DH had a fit...but really it was just a case of boys will be boys. I'm so lucky my DS does really well in school or he could totally get labeled a bad kid. But the teachers know about this neighbor boy and his shananagans so it wasnt held against my son.

This little boy's parents are divorced and have shared custody and every other day he's at one house or the other and gets whatever he wants from both parents without a lot of discipline ever involved. We don't like my son in the house cause of the wrestling and afraid of him doing some move and my son getting hurt...not to mention the violent video games that we just don't expose our kids to.

I guess I just will tell the mom we aren't comfortable because of the age difference but in reality that isn't an issue as my kid seems to be the same level as her's but it gives me something to say anyway. I'll just blame it on DH.haha He is a juvenile court probation officer so when he see's personality traits that resemble the kids he works with he puts the kabosh on. Thanks for your comments.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

not to mention the violent video games that we just don't expose our kids to.

That would be enough for me to say no! I'd use my DH as an excuse also. (My DH would be fine with that!) Walking buddies can be hard to find!

 

[2Kds2K9]

We've been through this. What I've done is had the child here at my house so I can supervise them both. I have no problem "correcting" a child in my home. Not that I punish, but will comment on unacceptable behavior and language.

Also, I've put the kabosh on sleepovers. First, don't really see the point and second, my DD is an absolute BEAR for two days afterwards. Not worth it to me. I've told my kids that they can stay 'til 10/11pm, but, I bring them home to sleep in their own beds. Heck, I'll even take them back for breakfast. But, when they sleepover, they tend to stay up till all hours and then I pay for it.

Good luck!
Leigh

 

[momz]

we've been there!!! very similar situation. a neighbor boy is a little bit older than our son. They love to play together. The other boy has some behavior problems which the mother attributes to ADHD. While I believe ADHD is a real problem for some children, I'm not so sure if it is in this case. From the outside looking in, it is a parenting issue. there are no interventions in his behavior until it gets really out of hand, and then the only intervention is the mother screaming. sometimes she screams so loud we can hear her when she's in her house with doors and windows closed. This is usually followed by the kid coming back outside to play, and continue the behavior at a little bit lower level. anyway, long story short, we have decided to quietly distance ourselves from this family. like the OP stated, I don't mind them playing outside together when all parents are around to supervise. However, when we are asked if DS can "come over to play", I simply say, "it's not a good time for us, we have plans today". I leave it at that, don't give any further explanation. That way, even if our plans are to hang out, watch tv, play outside, dinner at home, or some other homebound activity, I'm still not lying. I don't think that simply because we are not leaving home, that our time together as a family needs to be constantly interupted by or inclusive of our neighbors. I also don't think it is my problem to give a reason for why DS can't come over to play. I used to feel bad saying no, but with practice, I've gotten over this. I'm much more concerned with my child's development and the influence other children can have on him, than I am with hurting the neighbor's feelings. That being said, I would never say to her, "my son can't play with your son because your son is a little brat." It doesn't need to be said. a simple, "no, we've have plans" is fine.

 

[runwad]

we've been there!!! very similar situation. a neighbor boy is a little bit older than our son. They love to play together. The other boy has some behavior problems which the mother attributes to ADHD. While I believe ADHD is a real problem for some children, I'm not so sure if it is in this case. From the outside looking in, it is a parenting issue. there are no interventions in his behavior until it gets really out of hand, and then the only intervention is the mother screaming. sometimes she screams so loud we can hear her when she's in her house with doors and windows closed. This is usually followed by the kid coming back outside to play, and continue the behavior at a little bit lower level. anyway, long story short, we have decided to quietly distance ourselves from this family. like the OP stated, I don't mind them playing outside together when all parents are around to supervise. However, when we are asked if DS can "come over to play", I simply say, "it's not a good time for us, we have plans today". I leave it at that, don't give any further explanation. That way, even if our plans are to hang out, watch tv, play outside, dinner at home, or some other homebound activity, I'm still not lying. I don't think that simply because we are not leaving home, that our time together as a family needs to be constantly interupted by or inclusive of our neighbors. I also don't think it is my problem to give a reason for why DS can't come over to play. I used to feel bad saying no, but with practice, I've gotten over this. I'm much more concerned with my child's development and the influence other children can have on him, than I am with hurting the neighbor's feelings. That being said, I would never say to her, "my son can't play with your son because your son is a little brat." It doesn't need to be said. a simple, "no, we've have plans" is fine.

That is what I have to do...I always feel the need to give an explanation..I need to practice this phrase and not feel guilty if I we do just want to hang out at home. Oh and someone said about having the little boy at our house to supervise him. Well I don't want to be a babysitter and it can develop into that real quick with this neighbor. For one she only has him every other day so make plans to do something on a day you don't have your kids. Like last friday she called me at 5:30 (hello dinner time) to ask if he could come over cause she and her sister were going appliance shopping and he didn't want to go. ya no joke what kid does. Luckily we had a baseball game to go to. And I think I mentioned this in my OP but i'm off on Tues/Thurs and she was off this week but again had plans on Tues and thought the boy could hang at our house. Uh, NO..I work from home on my days off and I dont' need anymore commotion. Ok now I"m off to go walk with her.hahahaha

 

[Not so Dumbo]

I haven't read all of the posts, so this may be a repeat.
I think you should try to have the neighbor kid spend the night at your house. This way you can monitor what's going on and maybe your DH will change is mind about him if the kid is good.
Maybe say something to the tune of I have a night of movies and popcorn planned and it would be great if "bob" could spend the night over here instead.

 

[trivial]

Tough situation. Honestly, I think it's best to either keep explanations brief ("we unfortunately have plans" or "tonight's not a good night"), or even lie if necessary. Sooner or later, she'll get the idea.

As for the boy. Given that you can't control what goes on in the neighbor's house, and you don't trust the mother's judgement, I wouldn't allow the boy to go over to their house, period. If you're up for it, I wouldn't discourage you from having the boy over at your house, however. But it sounds like she's trying to take advantage of you some of the time, wanting you to babysit because she wants to go out rather than because your sons want to hang out. But if you're okay with him coming over once in a while to play, it would do the boy good to have some sort of expectations of responsibility from an adult, or to learn the meaning of the word "no", and I would make it clear to him that if your household's rules aren't respected, he'll have to leave.