DIS Dads Help! Looking for New Dad Jokes

[Stork]

Thought this would be the best place for a thread soliciting Dad jokes that make your kids or wife let out a loud "Ugh!" I'll go first:

This past week was Amazon's huge sales days. I ordered a chicken and I ordered an egg......I'll let you know.

Okay, your turn. Make me laugh.

 

[OhDannyBoy]

If your parents didn't have kids, neither will you.

 

[CapeCodTenor]

Can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Seriously, how low can you go?

 

[MarkLT1]

An oldie but a goodie

Son: "I'm hungry!"
Me: "Hi Hungry! I'm Dad!"

My son now understands that oh so sweet feeling of the eye-roll for a perfectly timed dad joke.

 

[AndyTwoLines]

My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

 

[AndyTwoLines]

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!

Sorry one more.....

 

[MarkLT1]

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?

(shrugging) Elephino

 

[MarkLT1]

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas without getting sick?

Jerry can.

 

[Renarr]

Not a joke, per se, but I overheard this father-son conversation in the Minneapolis airport as they were walking past:

"What state are we in, Dad?"
"We're in Minnesota."
"I've never heard of it. Is it famous for something?"
"Well, they're known for their really tiny sodas."

I groaned. My wife groaned. Four other people sitting around us groaned.

You're welcome, Traveling Minnesota Dad. Well earned.

 

[Brett Wilkes]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[MarkLT1]

Not a joke, per se, but I overheard this father-son conversation in the Minneapolis airport as they were walking past:

"What state are we in, Dad?"
"We're in Minnesota."
"I've never heard of it. Is it famous for something?"
"Well, they're known for their really tiny sodas."

I groaned. My wife groaned. Four other people sitting around us groaned.

You're welcome, Traveling Minnesota Dad. Well earned.

Obviously a Dad who is not from Minnesota.. as a true Minnesotan would know, we don't call it soda.. we call it pop! Minnepop... somehow it just doesn't have the same ring.

Speaking of Minnesota..

Last week, as I handed my dad his 84th birthday card, he acted a bit irritated, and said "My fingers are getting sore.. one card would have been enough!"

 

[MarkLT1]

Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: To hide in a strawberry patch. Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? See... it worked!

 

[MarkLT1]

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!

And when does it become apparent? Upon delivery.

 

[MarkLT1]

Q: What is Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill?

A: Walking. JK, Rolling.

 

[Sakiki]

Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: To hide in a strawberry patch. Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? See... it worked!

<evil grin> The UK version of that is, “So he can hide in a cherry tree.”

You didn’t know that elephants could climb cherry trees, did you?

 

[MadScouser]

I heard they are developing an invisible aeroplane

Can't see it taking off myself

 

[billybobblockhead]

How do you kill a polar bear?

Kick it in the icehole.

Funny thing is, my son, who is 20, told this one to his girlfriends parents, so the apple isn't falling far from the tree

 

[Stork]

As we were driving to FW an RV was coming opposite direction around a curve in the road. And of course he crossed the centerline and was using our side of the road as well as his. Turning to my wife (who was grinning with disgust because she knew what was coming) I said "boy, he's taking up the line's share of the road, huh?"

 

[shjrc371]

It's not a dad bod; it's a father figure.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

 

[Stargazer65]

Student to English teacher: "Thank you for teaching me the word plethora...it means a lot"