Help! I need advice re MIL tagging along

[SILLYANDI]

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My husband just informed me that my MIL has invited herself on our vacation. I'm not at all thrilled, but should have expected it, she ALWAYS does stuff like this. Our last vacation with her was HORRIBLE. Even the kids complained, and DH & I agreed to NEVER do it again.
She basically guilted DH into inviting her (she claimed that the kids were rubbing it in that she was not invited because Mommy said so, then played the hurt grandma with an evil DIL. I didn't say anything of the sort, I ABSOLUTELY NEVER say a bad word to her or about her in front of the kids-they can figure out her flaws on their own) DH said "We would never say you can't go" G-ma translation "we'd love to have you"
Anyway, we tried brainstorming how to disinvite her (she doesn't have the vacation info yet & has not booked anything so she won't lose any money at this point) but the best we could do was "we'd rather you not go" which would be followed by crying & the cold shoulder for months-probably heaped with tons of guilt that would surface everytime the vacation is mentioned for eternity.
Any ideas of how to do it without the theatrics (or guilt)?
If we can't talk her out of going how do I deal with MY issues-
3 biggest concerns-
1)She is self centered & mental- very picky eater, has to eat at certain times, claustrophobic & afraid of heights (needs to be on ground floor near entrance), list goes on & on-and forces these issues on the whole party (ie kids are not allowed on rollercoasters they may fall off!, we all have to eat at HER restaurant choice at HER time) We all have to move about as a group, no going off on our own and meeting up later-God forbid something memory making should happen and she's not a part.
2)She is passive agressive- If we don't agree with her (let the kids ride!) she pouts and doesn't get over it. If we say we are going to eat somewhere else and meet up with her later-she will go with us then eat two bites and complain about not liking anything on the menu. She makes comments like "I really think you shouldn't wear blue" like she's being helpful.She whines like a 5 yr old. She even stole my kids happy meal toys on our last trip because she wanted the whole collection (not kidding she STOLE them right out of the boxes and when the kids questioned her she denied it even though I was sitting next to her and saw them in her purse!!)
3)She thinks she's the mom & I'm the hired help. This bothers me the most, the kids will say "mom, why is the sky blue" and before I can breath she is answering. I have a ton of great pictures of the back of her head because I'd get the kids all posed for a picture then she'd step IN FRONT of me to get a better shot! She is constantly reprimending them and telling them what they can & can't do ("Dad can we ride space mountain?" G-Ma butts in with "absolutely not you're going to get hurt!"). My kids are VERY well behaved-friends & strangers are always complimenting us on their behavior, but she micromanages them.

Please Help I was so excited about this trip and now I just want to cry!
Andrea

 

[noahynav]

I don't even know what to say......I'm sorry for you though. I cannot imagine dealing with someone like that, an adult no less. But you and your family do deserve to be able to go on vacation alone. I have learned from experience that my best trips to Disney are with my IMMEDIATE family (DH and DS's). I too, have gone with my inlaws and my own mother. Maybe you could just say that you were planning something intimate, just a quick little getaway for you and your children. Be prepared for the silent treatment, but think how much more fun you will have on vacation.

In the future, as hard as it may be, I suggest keeping your trips a secret until right before you leave, or until you get back. It may seem extreme, but I have heard of people doing that for the very reasons you are describing.

BTW, Can I also say how RUDE I think it is of someone, no matter who they are, to invite themselves along on vacation??!!

 

[merseynighthawk#60]

just let her read your post .

she would then know how you feel .

 

[princess jackson]

How awful.

Is there anyone she dislikes enough that she can not be around them.

Meaning you can tell her that they are invited and maybe she will change her mind, on going.

 

[INDISMOM]

My DH's family are HUGE WDW fans. They have gone just about every other year since DH was 2. We went with them when oldest DD was 2 -- it was not that fun. When planning our upcoming trip, we did not tell them until we were sure their vacations had already been planned.

My FIL was great when we went -- realized it wasn't about them, it was about our DD. MIL drove us all nuts! I finally told my DH HE had to say something -- if it was my mom I would be the one stepping up to the plate.

I would tell her:
1. We planned this so we could have special time with just the immediate family.
2. We aren't trying to hurt your feelings, we didn't invite ANYBODY!
3. We realize your feelings may be hurt, but I'm sure you didn't take every vacation with your in-laws (or parents) when I was little.

You will probably get the cold shoulder for awhile, but you have to determine if it is something you can put up with to have a great vacation. You could even start planning you next WDW trip while she's not talking to you -- then you REALLY have a good reason the next time you go--"Sorry, since you acting like a 2 year old and not talking to us, we thought you wouldn't want to go!!"

 

[comicguy]

That story really makes me appreciate my MIL. She is a great lady and she always want to help us in ways that she can. My in-laws came with us on my son's second trip and we all had a blast.

My parents on the other hand came with us this past Jan. and did nothing but complain about the lines, food, rides that my nephew could not go on(he was not tall enough for all the rides but he did get on most of them). They actuallly complained that we would stay out to late at night(we had seperate rooms and they were totally free to go back when ever they wanted to and we made this clear before and during the trip).

I would have your husband simply tell his mom that all of you agreed to just a small family vacation and that the kids are looking forward to just spending time with mom and dad. Like the previous poster said be prepared for the cold shoulder.

 

[KimWDW]

I'd tell her no and ignore her. It's your family vacation, you don't want it ruined. Say that some years you'd love to have her around, but this year you want it to be just the family (meaning mommy, daddy, and kids). She should respect that. If not, your husband should have a serious talk with her about borders.

 

[poohfriend]

On a Disney vacation, there is no tagging along. There is not room! In most cases - literally. Tell her so!

I agree with earlier poster. "Although we've had you along on previous vacations, this is one we planned for just us and the kids. We won't be taking you along this year. We'd love to do something with you later." Ideally your husband would tell her, but do it yourself if necessary. I would be the evil-daughter-in-law to allow my family to vacation without MIL. We need time alone!!!! That's the whole idea of vacation. IT's not ALL about her. THis is a trip planned for children.

SHe sounds just like my MIL and she's not going to like it! But that's okay. You shouldn't feel guilty for taking time for you and your kids. Your husband shouldn't feel guility either. Focus on your internal response to her behavior...make an effort not to accept the guilt. You've done nothing wrong.

 

[InstImpres]

I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to have an extra on vacation who is self centered. Any chance there is a financial issue or a "no room at the inn" excuse. It looks like from your signature you are already 6 people.

Good luck

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would just have your dh tell her that you don't want anyone tagging along on this trip. If she pouts then oh well. She shouldn't have invited herself in the first place. I give you credit because if my mil or mom acted like yours I would have told her flat out that she is not my kids' parent and dh and I make the decisions for them. You are a good woman. I personally wouldn't care if she pouted for all eternity about the trip. If someone wanted to come on my family trip that would make it a nightmare I would definitely make sure they did not come. Good luck as I know this is a rough situation.

 

[Tinkerbellmom33]

I agree with the other posters. Find a reason she can't go or nicely tell her maybe next year, but this one is just you and the kids.
We just had to do this too with my MIL. Another one that invites herself and feels entitled. Luckily, we're going after my Dd's communion, so we told her it's a last minute suprise and we're going with just us. We're also renting points from a DVC owner, so we came up with a story that we rented from my friend, who's also a DVC'er and we could only get what she was offering,oops, no room for anyone else! It's terrible but you do what you have to do. We took a whole crew with us in Sept and we wanted to enjoy this vacation just us. No pressure, stress, etc.
You're MIL sounds similar to mine, but a little worse... We got the when are "we" going back and why don't you take "us" on the cruise. When Dh suggested his brother or sister take her or maybe she takes us, she got all pouty and said, don't be like that, you're being so cheap! unreal
I get the hired help feeling too. It's that whole controlling, power/ego thing they've got going on. Drives me crazy
As far as the cold shoulder, ignore and enjoy it. She's only spiting herself. When we get the cold shoulder, I feel relieved, she won't be dropping in unexpectedly at any moment for a few weeks. I feel bad for Dh, it bothers him a little, but he knows she's being ridiculous and she comes back around when she gets over it. ooh, sorry this got so long! Guess you can tell I feel your pain!
Good Luck

 

[tmt martins]

WE're lucky as well As a matter of fact DW invited my DM & DsD to our 1st trip home (there went all my extra points) .I had to put my foot down as she wanted to give them the King bed.

We have gone on many trips with other family members as well .I give them the speech of WE HAVE A PLAN you are more then welcome or we can just meet at certain times and places.

THIS IS YOUR VACATION and you are already starting to be negitive about it and thats a shame.If I was in your place I would take the Guilt trips and leave her home let DH inform her of this and thats how it is.BE STRONG for your childerns sake.

 

[babiesX2]

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My husband just informed me that my MIL has invited herself on our vacation. I'm not at all thrilled, but should have expected it, she ALWAYS does stuff like this. Our last vacation with her was HORRIBLE. Even the kids complained, and DH & I agreed to NEVER do it again.
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Please Help I was so excited about this trip and now I just want to cry!
Andrea

I am so sorry. Tell your Dh to fix it -- it is his mom he should tell her no. I would rather stay home than go with someone who will ruin the trip.

 

[Hannathy]

You may lose the battle of her going but you don't need to lose the war. Write out a list of things you are doing and (so you can remember) and talk to her. Say the kids WILL be going on the rides if it bothers you maybe you shouldn't go
WE will be splitting up we already bought our radios so you should get one too.
We have ADR's for these rest. if you don't think you'll like them there are plenty of others YOU can eat at and we'll meet later remember the radio. Smile and say of course we love you and want you but we wanted to make sure you know what we already have planned and can't dissapoint the kids. We already have our room booked and Disney can't guarantee room location so it most likely will not be on the ground floor. I know your DH should be doing this but I have learned sometimes they just won't and I had to say something to my MIL a few times and you know what my overall treatment never changed but at least the way she treated the kids got better. reinforce the above a lot and hand her a radio so she can practice and be firm, it is hard hopefully your DH will help you. And I wouldn't offer to do any of the arranging if she wants to go let her ask for the airline info and make her own arrangements. If she still goes don't bend to her let the kids have fun all she can do is complain and she does that anyway, give in occasionally and let her pick the food but that would be it, and if she stole my kids toys I would be ratting her out so fast... My goodness she could have bought 2 more for herself.

 

[tiggercrew]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this when a vacation should be something to look forward to. The way it seems she is either going to make your life miserable at home if you tell her no, or make it miserable on your vacation if you say yes. If those are your only choices, I would definitely choose to have life miserable at home. I would hate for a lot of planning and money to go into a vacation only to have it ruined by someone else.

I am all for extended family vacationing together as long as everyone "plays well with others". I would simply tell her that this trip is for just your family and that you hope she can join you on future trips, just not this one.

I can't imagine paying for tickets to an incredible amusement park like WDW and then not being able to ride the rides...almost makes it not worth going.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[casey49781]

i would tell her all the things you are going to be doing ,wether she liked it or not, this is your vacation,if she wants to go then she can make her own reservation and airfare also, tell her you have reservations for dinner and that is where you intend to eat, there may or may not be room for her she will have to call and check it out,,tell her you are going to be riding rides she does not like so she can do with her time the best way she sees fit and do not budge on any thing you intend to do to acccomidate her,as she was not invited in the first place,,,

 

[Atchley]

I would tell my "DH" to stay home!! If your DH cannot be enough of a man to tell his mother that this is your family vacation and she isn't invited then evidently he shouldn't be going either. DH knows how you feel and is willing to sacrifice YOUR vacation to please his mother, then you know where you stand. I would tell DH to confront his mother and tell her this or he doesn't need to join you. What do you have to lose with your MIL. She already thinks that you are the evil DIL anyways.

Let us know how it goes. I'll put you in my prayers!!

 

[nancy drew]

i can totally see this happening to us one day. my DH and i have had lengthy talks about it and we decided that no extended family members will be vacationing with us. we told them that, too. probably a flame-worthy statement for me to make, but trust me there is a big history there and this is in everyones best interest in our family.

can your DH tell her that you have everything booked already (even if thats a little white lie, we all have our disney vacations booked in our heads, dont we? ) and that to add her to the reservations would end up costing you extra (new room, different flight, something along those lines)? and add that you booked some really popular dining choices and cant make any changes. if that approach doesnt work then i think your DH will have to be direct and say that this is a vacation for your own immediate family and she was not invited to join you. its really really difficult but really really important to set up boundaries and enforce them, especially when difficult family members are involved. i speak from experience , as my MIL seems to have accepted our stance on the vacation issue.

next time do what we did and plan your vacation for the same time your MIL has her own vacation (or other important activity) already booked and planned

 

[isla bonita]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. We vacation twice a year with family and friends. We have a wonderful time. I am thankful for the people in our lives. I do have to mention that my FIL, MIL,SIL N,BIL have never came down with us. I think just for this reason. It would be just like you have mentioned. A real horror show that is why we do not invite them.

 

[BuzzNutt]

I vote for just telling her as nice as possible that this is a special vacation for your family and she should not plan on coming. It will be tough but it is so much better than allowing her to come.

Good luck!