Help! I accidentally insulted someone and I can't let it go!!

[CanBeGrumpy]

I tend to be a "jokey" person, and the other day one of my "jokes" came out all wrong and I ended up saying something to a coworker that was pretty insulting. I was so upset that night that I could barely sleep. I talked to him the next day, apologized, and tried to explain that the viewpoint expressed by my joke was not my actual viewpoint at all. He seemed cool with everything, but honestly I keep reliving the moment over and over in my head and I can't stop thinking about it!!!

I am a very nice person and I would never, ever think the way that my joke made it seem that I think. I hope he believed my explanation, but I keep thinking he must think I made all that up just so I don't look like a jerk. I keep wanting to start another conversation about it to make sure he really knows I'm not the jerk I appeared to be, but I guess that would just make everything 100 times worse. This guy is super nice and I just don't want him to think that I am a person that looks down on him or that I am a snob or whatever. I am none of those things. I like and respect this person, and I can't get over the fact that he might think I don't respect him.

So, what should I do? I'm pretty sure that "letting it drop" is the only solution. I already apologized very sincerely and I think he believes that it was just a joke gone bad, but I am still so upset!! Honestly, I will probably carry the guilt from this for the rest of my life!! (and it really wasn't anything too too terrible, but it is probably a sensitive issue for him). Sorry for not giving exact details about what I said, but I wouldn't want him to read about it on this board--I don't think he comes here, but you never know!!

So, do I talk to him again? Let it drop? And, how do I stop thinking about it all the time?? Am I the only one that has a hard time letting things go when I make a mistake?

 

[Tink888]

Let it go. It happened, you apologized. He forgave you, now you need to forgive yourself and move on.

 

[SLP958]

I can think of 2 times something like this had happened to me.

If you sincerely apologized there is nothing else you can do.

Everyone makes mistakes. Forgive yourself and try to let it go.

 

[tvguy]

Welcome to my life.

I said something to a co-worker and it hurt her. She knew I had no intention of hurting her feelings, and she stewed over it for a month before telling me. So she told me "when you said this, it hurt me, what I don't understand is, I am still upset a month later, not for what you said, but because it hurt me when I know you were just trying to cheer me up"

We both moved on.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I think all of us at one time or another has had foot-in-mouth syndrome.

I am also a dweller on most everything in life. I always question what I said, did, etc. and it can be exhausting.

You can't bring it up again....you just can't. Bringing it to the surface will only make it more difficult to let go. I've been in situations like this before.

Give it a few days to "wear off."

 

[kacaju]

Let it go..you apologized and he said it was oK...reminds me of the time my husband said to parents of a baby...Look at that melon head...He had no idea that the Dr's were concerned over the size of the baby's head. UGH..he felt horrible for a while after that. And he was really just making reference that the baby was bald..not that it had a big head

 

[Disney Doll]

Let it go. You've apologized. He seems to have accepted.

 

[scoutie]

I'm like you.....when I put my foot in my mouth, and I know I've hurt somebody, I obsess about it for days and it bothers me. What I've found out, though, is often times the person who I think I've offended barely remembers what I said.

 

[Schmeck]

I tend to be a "jokey" person, and the other day one of my "jokes" came out all wrong and I ended up saying something to a coworker that was pretty insulting. I was so upset that night that I could barely sleep. I talked to him the next day, apologized, and tried to explain that the viewpoint expressed by my joke was not my actual viewpoint at all. He seemed cool with everything, but honestly I keep reliving the moment over and over in my head and I can't stop thinking about it!!!

I am a very nice person and I would never, ever think the way that my joke made it seem that I think. I hope he believed my explanation, but I keep thinking he must think I made all that up just so I don't look like a jerk. I keep wanting to start another conversation about it to make sure he really knows I'm not the jerk I appeared to be, but I guess that would just make everything 100 times worse. This guy is super nice and I just don't want him to think that I am a person that looks down on him or that I am a snob or whatever. I am none of those things. I like and respect this person, and I can't get over the fact that he might think I don't respect him.

So, what should I do? I'm pretty sure that "letting it drop" is the only solution. I already apologized very sincerely and I think he believes that it was just a joke gone bad, but I am still so upset!! Honestly, I will probably carry the guilt from this for the rest of my life!! (and it really wasn't anything too too terrible, but it is probably a sensitive issue for him). Sorry for not giving exact details about what I said, but I wouldn't want him to read about it on this board--I don't think he comes here, but you never know!!

So, do I talk to him again? Let it drop? And, how do I stop thinking about it all the time?? Am I the only one that has a hard time letting things go when I make a mistake?

(((hugs))) Oh I know that feeling! I did it to a dear friend on Facebook, thought it was funny and then read it again later and realized it was mean. So I had a ton of witnesses who thought I was a jerk. At that point I had been, but not on purpose, KWIM? I apologized publicly, in person and online, and now I do not try to be funny anymore. I think I have a broken funnybone. (See? That is totally not funny and I should stop)

I'd let it go, but I think I'd speak about it to the person one more time first - along the lines of "Oh goodness, I've been having nightmares over that stupid thing I said to you" etc.

 

[kirstenb1]

I've done this for sure. I think all you can do is the sincere apology, with no excuses or justifications. Then hopefully time will heal it.

 

[anniemae]

Ok you guys need to fess up and tell your stories!! just kidding

OP, try to let it go. We ALL put our foot in our mouth from time to time. You know in your heart you did not do it in a mean spirited way (if you did, you would not feel so awful.) Your embarrassment and remorse is your punishment. Let it go.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Well, my DH was guilty of asking a lady when she was due.

Of course she wasn't pregnant.

 

[Sabeking]

If you apologized and they accepted then I would move on. What you can do moving forward is act in a way that stands behind your apology. That speaks louder than words.

 

[Mokat76]

If you apologized and they accepted then I would move on. What you can do moving forward is act in a way that stands behind your apology. That speaks louder than words.

/\/\
This. Exactly.

 

[leebee]

You need to let it go and move on. Anything you say now is only going to make things more awkward.

You said that you are a "jokey" person. While you only intend things to be jokes, not everyone is going to understand that. My mom was a jokey person. She had no idea how many times she hurt our feelings because of this. I could usually get around it because I know she didn't do it purposely, but it was hurtful nonetheless. Because of this, I always try to think about whether people will understand my intent before saying "jokey" things. SOmetimes I end up choosing to let the comments remain unsaid. YOu might want to consider this, if your current situation has really upset you.

 

[ronandannette]

You need to let it go and move on. Anything you say now is only going to make things more awkward.

You said that you are a "jokey" person. While you only intend things to be jokes, not everyone is going to understand that. My mom was a jokey person. She had no idea how many times she hurt our feelings because of this. I could usually get around it because I know she didn't do it purposely, but it was hurtful nonetheless. Because of this, I always try to think about whether people will understand my intent before saying "jokey" things. SOmetimes I end up choosing to let the comments remain unsaid. YOu might want to consider this, if your current situation has really upset you.

This is VERY good advice. I'm also the gregarious type and can almost always think of something (that I think is) witty to drop into every conversation. Problem is, not everyone sees it that way or even "gets" what I mean and I've inadvertently offended people on more than one occasion. I now exercise much more restraint with those comments that are ultimately unnecessary anyway.

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

This is VERY good advice. I'm also the gregarious type and can almost always think of something (that I think is) witty to drop into every conversation. Problem is, not everyone sees it that way or even "gets" what I mean and I've inadvertently offended people on more than one occasion. I now exercise much more restraint with those comments that are ultimately unnecessary anyway.

I totally agree with yours and leebee's advice, but the problem is, my comment slipped out without me even thinking about it! If I had thought about it at all I definitely wouldn't have said it. In fact, it wasn't until later, as I was driving home, that I realized what an absolute jerky comment it was! And ever since then I have felt terrible. I agree that I should be more careful, but in this case my mouth worked way faster than my brain, unfortunately. The only "good" thing is that it was only a conversation between the two of us, so I didn't embarrass him in front of a whole group of people.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I feel a little better, but I know when I see him at work tomorrow that I'm going to feel bad all over again. I'm going to try harder to keep my mouth shut from now on, that's for sure.

 

[Shagley]

I have done that before too, and years later I still feel bad about it. The person accepted my apology and said that they took it as a joke, but I am pretty sure their feeling were hurt. It was one of those sarcastic comments that my family and friends have said to each other as a joke for years, so it just came out of my mouth without me ever thinking about how rude it would sound if I said it to someone who didn't know me well enough to know my humor. Now I am very careful about joking around with people unless I know them very well.

 

[bstarprincess37]

Uh! I can totally relate. I've joked with others before and had it come out all wrong...

One of the times that comes to mind is when my co-worker (I am a teacher), who is pregnant, was telling someone how pregnant she was looking lately and I, who was also in the room, agreed a bit to emphatically, and said, "yeah!" and in front of parents of the children, too. I felt so bad, so I of course apologized later... I really meant that I had noticed her rubbing her belly more and thought it was cute since it shows she is growing to become a mother but it came out all wrong.

I try to just take it in stride and tell myself not to dwell on the mistakes too much. I feel that the more I feel bad, the more I am making it about myself, than actually feeling sorry for how it affected the other person.

 

[ronandannette]

I totally agree with yours and leebee's advice, but the problem is, my comment slipped out without me even thinking about it! If I had thought about it at all I definitely wouldn't have said it. In fact, it wasn't until later, as I was driving home, that I realized what an absolute jerky comment it was! And ever since then I have felt terrible. I agree that I should be more careful, but in this case my mouth worked way faster than my brain, unfortunately. The only "good" thing is that it was only a conversation between the two of us, so I didn't embarrass him in front of a whole group of people.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I feel a little better, but I know when I see him at work tomorrow that I'm going to feel bad all over again. I'm going to try harder to keep my mouth shut from now on, that's for sure.

You know what? If this simply won't go away for you - apologize again. The fact that the comment was made just between the two of you means you can go to him privately again. Obviously you shouldn't let this event define your entire future with this guy but I don't think bringing it up one more time for closure on your part would hurt.