Help from Teen moms

[saratogadreamin09]

I already posted this on the Teen boards but I would like to know what other moms would do. Im a 14 year old girl if it makes any diffrence.

was friends with this guy (who I'll call) J. He was my best guy friend and we were realy really really close. But, after awhile I started to develop a crush on him. He knew and he was ok with it and actually found it alittle cute, but we decided to just stay friends.

But, then J's best friends sister (who I'll call E) started saying that J and I were dating. Then she started saying that we were doing all these nasty things (if you get what I'm saying). So, in January J came to me and said that he thought that it would be best for both of us if we werent friends anymore.

So, I've been really depressed that we're not friends anymore because I miss him A LOT. But, the worse part is E is still harrassing me about J. We are both on the softall team and EVERYDAY at practice she says something to me about our loss friendship or my crush. We were both at a sweet 16 on saturday night and she even started to harrass me on the dance floor.

I am SO sick of her doing this. She's always been a b**** but now shes taking it to new levels. I dont want to play softball anymore because I dont want to paly with her and I am starting to hate going to school with her.

What should I do? Yesterday I told my softball coach about whats going on at practice and she did nothing (). Im afraid about talking to E myself because she has a tendency to start more rumors and she can get loud and mean and scream in my face (which she did to me at our softball game last Thursday). My mom wants me to tell the school's dean but I think thats alittle immature to tell on her

So what would you tell me to do if you were my mom?

 

[hockeymom3]

Hmmm it sounds like E was jealous of your friendship with J. Now I don't have teens, but I have worked with them, and I used to be one

Its hard to say what to do - I know what you mean about going to the Dean - but this girl should NOT be allowed to make you so miserable. So even though its not a direct answer, and you probably don't know the answer to my question here it is "What would make you happy and make her stop?" Don't worry about seeming immature - she's immature for acting that way.

These days we have to look out for ourselves - nobody else will!! So you have to do what will make her stop. I'm really disapointed that your coach didn't say anything. It takes a lot for someone to tell someone of a problem, so its so sad that they brushed it off,

Moms have TONS of experience and knowledge, so if your mom says to speak to the Dean - then do it. I don't know how close the families are, but could your mom speak to her parents??

Good luck with everything!!

 

[saratogadreamin09]

^Thanks so much

At this point I just want her to leave me alone. My mom knows her mom because they've talked before at softball games but thats it. E comes from a big family and besides her all of her brothers are actually really nice. I think her mom would be really upset if she found out this was happeneing but I think E might get really pissed if I have my mom talk to her mom

 

[dogodisney]

Don't let her do this to you. When she says things to you, walk away. Ignore her whenever possible.
If ignoring her does not work than your mom is right about going to the dean. This girl is a bully and she needs to be stopped. She has been able to get away with it so far because you have empowered her by doing nothing about it. The school needs to be involved and her parents need to be contacted.

BTW, most schools have a zero tolerence for bullying.

Best wishes to you.

 

[OokOofy]

I'm not a teen mother, but I am a relatively young mother. While I don't have a teen I thought I'd chime in anyway!

Why are you so afraid of her? Why are you giving her full control over yourself? So what if she screams and yells at you? At least you have stood up for yourself. It's bad enough that you've lost your friend over this, are you really prepared to give up softball and let her "win" so to speak? If you've gone to your coach then you've already "tattled" so you might as well go to the dean. I'm guessing you still have 1-2 years left in High School? Are you going to allow this girl to remain in control over you? You CAN be a strong person and you OWE it to yourself to stand up to this girl. If you choose not to tell the dean then I think you're going to have to find some sarcasm in yourself and use it. If you turn it around on her and laugh - it won't be fun for her anymore.

 

[growinupdisney]

I have a dd who is 14 also, and she has gone thru a similar situation where the boy she was dating ex girlfriend would come up to my dd in the middle of the hall and scream at her saying "i hate you" "you're a b...." and so on. Since they were both cheerleaders it was hard for a couple of weeks but I told my daughter to hold her ground, to never let that girl see her cry, or get upset because thats all she wants its to get to her. Another cheerleader actually went up to the ex and was telling how immature she was being and she actually stopped saying stuff to my dd to her face, I think actually still talks about my dd still even though my dd and the girls ex aren't together anymore. Bottom line the girl who is saying this to you was jealous of what you had w/ that guy and she loves that she caused problems so try not to let her know that it bothers you maybe you could talk to one of her siblings in a round about way and let them no what she is doing if they are nice like you said they are maybe they will listen, may even help ( trust me if she is a b.... to you I'm sure her siblings have experienced some of it too ) they may tell you how to handle her. I would also myspace the guy (if have it) let him know you miss the friendship & that your sorry for all the drama the girl caused then the ball is in his court if he responds he is worth it if he doesn't i think you know he really wasn't!

 

[fussymonkey]

Hi,
I'm not the mom of a teen, my kids are still little, but I've been there, so...

Bullies are empowered by people who don't stand up to them. You believe E is more powerful than you are, therefore she is. Whatever you think about E, that she's a witch or a gossip, believe me, all the other girls are secretly thinking that too but are too afraid of her to say anything.

If it were me, I'd never let her see me get nervous or uncomfortable. When she gets in your face and yells, I'd yell back "you're a nasty, lying evil b". Ok, maybe I wouldn't use those words, but you have to stand up for yourself.

Its going to be really important later in your life as you start having serious relationships with boys that you have strong boundries of behavior you will and won't tolerate. Nobody should ever be allowed to make you feel afraid or uncomfortable in a place you have every right to be. Taking a stand for yourself now will really pay off later in your future relationships. Believe me this won't be the last evil witch you have to deal with in high school and later in the workplace.

 

[Tinkmom75]

I am so sorry this girl is being so mean I have a 15 year old DD who's supposed friend is saying she's faking an injury (which she is not) My DD is very upset by the lie. I don't know why she has to be so mean.

It sounds like your case is worse. I agree, this girl is jealous of your friendship with J. I think you need to stand up for yourself and also tell J that this girl shouldn't have power over your friendship. If you've already told the coach then why not the dean, but she might just get nastier and you need to stand strong. You know what your own actions have been. This other girl does not KWIM. I know it's hard, but try not to let what other people say about you get you down. You, your family and friends are whats important, not nasty little jealous bullies. I am glad you have talked to your Mom. Please keep her totally involved!

 

[cogero]

This is a classic sign of bullying. You need to stand up for yourself and you need to tell the dean or guideance counselor before it escalates to anything else.

I know standing up for yourself is the hardest thing in the world to do but you need to do it. If this is going on in school and the adults are not taking care of it shame on them.

THis girl seems like a witch and a brat.

Good luck.

 

[crisi]

What should I do? Yesterday I told my softball coach about whats going on at practice and she did nothing (). Im afraid about talking to E myself because she has a tendency to start more rumors and she can get loud and mean and scream in my face (which she did to me at our softball game last Thursday). My mom wants me to tell the school's dean but I think thats alittle immature to tell on her

Keep a log of your interactions with E. You'll need this as you escalate. Write down what she said, who witnessed it, and what your reaction was.

If she continues to escalate, it isn't immature to report it. Its harrassment. And what I would do is retell your coach first using words similar to the following.

"As I told you, E is harrassing and bullying me. You have done nothing to stop it. I find her behavior unacceptable. As the responsible adult under school policy (almost all schools have a no bullying no harrassment policy), you have a responsibility to stop harrassment. You have two days to do something to stop it, or my mother and I will be seeing the dean about both E and your response to my complaint."

Also, I would tell E the same thing using very similar (very grown up) words...."I find your behavior unacceptable. My relationship or lack thereof with J is none of your business. I am reporting your behavior as harrassment and I expect you to stop."

To your friends, you say "well, its E...you know " And no more. If E starts complaining about you reporting it say "I asked her to stop - I'm not sure what she expected me to do when she didn't."

 

[saratogadreamin09]

Thanks everyone

 

[anabelle]

I am a mom of teens . It's easy to say stand your ground when we are not walking in your shoes. I was a high school coach track coach as well. But in the real world, there is no one who is going to correct the situation except you. Will you let her control you? Will you allow her to remove you from the things you enjoy and even affect your friendships? Understand that she is the one with the problem, not you. You and your friend did not do the things she accused you of. You have nothing to be ashamed of. She gets a rise out of you, so it is fun for her. She has power over you because your are afraid that people think poorly of you. You need to confront her. I would do it with your team. When you are in the locker room, or on a bus, tell your team mates that you are tired of the treatment this girl is giving you. Your team is your family. There is safety there.

 

[DisneyCrazy2]

I agree with Mom....go talk to the Dean.

 

[princessmom29]

I teach high school and I think that you need to talk to someone who will listen and do something about it. She has no right to talk to you this way and I am sure there is a school policy agianst it. Is there a school counsellor you could talk to? they are trianed to handle these kinds of situations. Do NOT be afraid to speak up. If she gets mad that is HER problem, not yours. Once your friends really know what is going on I have a feeling SHE will be the one feeling the heat so to speak. If you don't get any help from a counsellor you need to let the dean know what is going on and that you have asked for help and no one has taken care of the problem. You are not being immature by telling on her. You are doing the right thing.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

We dont really have counselors in my school, instead we have the school priest that serves as our counselor.

All of my friends know whats going on but it doesnt make E mad because shes more popular then me and my friends.

 

[Steph9072]

I am not a teen Mom. But I am a step-Mom to a 13 year old son.

It sounds like you have tried talking to a coach yourself. Have you spoken to your parents about this. They may be able to help.

You sound like a smart strong girl. Try standing up to this girl, I don't mean physically, but don't let her talk to you the way you are saying she does. Good luck!

 

[saratogadreamin09]

I've talked to my mom a lot about everything and she just keeps telling me to talk to the dean. But, I dont know if the dean would care about a problem like that (because he is more of a patroller for hw and uniforms and the bulying is only happening at softball) and I think it might be tattling if I tell him

 

[princessmom29]

I think mabye just letting the Dean know what is going on and them ignoring her is the best course of action. If your friends know the score and you give her the stonewall treatment she WILL eventually quit. In order for it to work you cannot show ANY response to anything she says. Just let her look ridiculous carrying on with no response from you. AEventually it won't be fun anymore if she can't get a rse out of you. It takes a strong person to do it, and it may take a while but it will eventually work. I have been in the suitation of being bullied myself at your age and it was NOT easy, but this was the only way I got it to stop. DO NOT engage the bully. Don't give her the satisfaction of getting to you. You have to have the attitude that you will not stoop to her level.

 

[3boymthr]

While no longer a teen - I do have a teenage son - as I think back on my teenage years there is one thing I remember clearly - being bullied by a couple of other girls. Well, one thing I can tell you, backing out of softball is NOT going to stop this girl. I found myself in a situation similar to this when I was a teen and the bullier just found other reasons and ways and means to make me miserable. I have a feeling that even though E has managed to ruin your friendship and is making you miserable with softball she's not going to stop until she's driven you out of her life entirely (this includes your school) unless you do something to stop her. You will find that the only way to deal with this is to stand up to her. I finally did and it worked.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I would go up to the girl one last time and say "The things you are saying about your brother and I are not true. Please stop."

If it continues (I'm sure it will...) I would take a friend on the softball team who has heard what E has said firsthand...and I would go straight to E's mother. "Mrs. _____, over the last few weeks E has been telling students at school and on the softball team that your son and I ________ and ________ and ________ and _____ (be very descriptive ). This is all a lie, and I am very hurt that she would spread rumors like that, especially about your son. I've asked her to please stop, but she has refused. Can you help me? I was told to go to the Dean, but I thought maybe I should talk to you before it goes that far."


Don't hold back, tell her exactly what her daughter has said...many parents are SHOCKED to hear what comes out of their darling childrens' mouthes . I have the feeling that if you take her totally by surprise, and are supported by another member of the team, things will fix themselves...


If there is one more problem after that, I would go STRAIGHT to the dean. It's not "telling" on her, cause guess what....it's not kindergarten anymore. Now it's disrespectful and rude and completely uncalled for. I always thought "girls will be girls" and "oh, that's just how teenagers are" was a load of crap, because my friends and I were never like that. The girl is old enough and smart enough to shut her mouth and fix her behavior. If she can't, then there should be some serious consequences.

Good luck!