Help! FIL Invited Himself on our trip!

[rigs32]

I think the easiest way to deal with your time in Orlando is to hand him a detailed itinerary NOW - park plans and ADRs. Tell him this is what your family is doing and he is welcome to join you if he wants. Or, outline what parts of those days he is welcome to join - one meal a day, or one park day all together. Create the plan with your DH and present it to him together.

The worst thing you can do is be passive aggressive and complain that he is changing the vacation. Tell him what he can join. If he complains, remind him that he's the tag-a-long, not the focus. Be assertive and in control of your plans. Make sure your DH is on board for this, too. If I was your kids and I saw another relative (no matter who) change the trip so I couldn't see and do what I wanted to, I'd be annoyed with you for giving in. Don't.

I agree, though, that you can't tell him stay away without a fight two months later. The time to deal with it was then. Would you punish your kids for something they did two months later but felt akward about bringing up before? Make a plan to ensure your family's vacation. If you're the one in control, much of what you don't like about him sounds like it will be under control IF you and your DH don't cave to demands.

 

[KevinM]

Start hanging around FIL's house EVERY DAY. Eat all his food, stop showering, have the kids yell and scream at each other constantly. He'll be so sick of you by the time vacation comes around, he'll back out voluntarily!!

 

[robinb]

I think the easiest way to deal with your time in Orlando is to hand him a detailed itinerary NOW - park plans and ADRs. Tell him this is what your family is doing and he is welcome to join you if he wants. Or, outline what parts of those days he is welcome to join - one meal a day, or one park day all together. Create the plan with your DH and present it to him together.

The worst thing you can do is be passive aggressive and complain that he is changing the vacation. Tell him what he can join. If he complains, remind him that he's the tag-a-long, not the focus. Be assertive and in control of your plans. Make sure your DH is on board for this, too. If I was your kids and I saw another relative (no matter who) change the trip so I couldn't see and do what I wanted to, I'd be annoyed with you for giving in. Don't.

I was just trying to write the same thing and you said it much better! I think the OP is borrowing trouble by trying to "Go it alone" and exclude her FIL. Her FIL will assume that there are NO PLANS, will make them himself and her DH and/or SIL will cave to his wishes. Or ... the FIL will tag along at the last minute making things even more stressful. I think the OP should make a plan, share the plan and stick to it.

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

I'll third for what rigs32 has written. Great idea!

 

[MomOfDisneyBoys]

Corryn, I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but I completely understand your feelings. I have severe MIL problems.

My MIL (who, as much as I have tried, I do not get along with) stayed with us for a while, her apt building was sold, and she asked to stay with us for 1 month while looking for a new place, she stayed for 6 mos, without ever trying to find a new apt. DH was so mad, he had to send her to live with her other son. While she was here, she constantly berated me, (She aked me if I was pregnant or just getting fatter) she complained that "her" room was cramped, and she didn't like my cooking. For six months, she lived her without paying a dime for rent or food, AND to make matters worse, we had to install keyed locks on our bedroom, because we found out that when we were out, she would go through our room and steal things! She even stole things my grandfather had made for me, and when I found them later in her new place, she claimed that she had bought them at a yard sale! I showed her where my name and my grandfathers initials were carved on them, and she just yelled "Well take them then, if you're going to have a fit about it!"

I'm sorry that was so off topic, but I just wanted you to know, there is someone out here who understands how you feel and who totally agrees with your position! I wish you good luck!

 

[HopperFan]

"She said that us staying with dad is one thing (on the west coast) but now he's made reservations for his timeshare in Orlando and that's another.......

BTW, I told DH and SIL that I would say something to FIL and they both said, No, it's not my place. SIL says DH should do it, DH thinks SIL should do it..."

Too bad that it was okay with her as long as she wasn't affected, but now that he is wanting to visit with her too, it is a problem. It is both families' vacations and both your SIL and DH father. The way I see it, IF the decision is made to speak with him, then they do it together. Power in numbers. Otherwise just let him go with his plans, give him times to meet you and stand firm on your desires.

I guess the lesson is, which we have had to do, do not tell others your vacation plans until the very last minute if you want to be alone. Sometimes never said a word at all until we were back.

 

[Corryn]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I can't believe how many posts this thread got. I'm really doing a report for my English class and....Just kidding

When I returned home this afternoon, my husband and I sat in our bedroom and neither one was angry, we just started to discuss what was going on.
It seems my husband feels as I do, but he just didn't want to say anything.

He told me he has been looking forward to his Anniversary Gift vacation (which I forgot, and it was also an Easter gift to my kids!) and has been thinking about what to do. He also agreed that he did not want to stay in my FIL's condo for the four days if FIL is going to be there, and would I mind staying for two nights and for the other two nights, we'll stay at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, where DH has been wanting to stay since it opened.

It was a really nice heart to heart discussion. I didn't know he was looking forward to this as much as I was. He also said that we have to sit down tomorrow and make an itinerary (which some of you smart DIS'ers suggested) mapping out our every day. He said he is going to tell his father when we get down there that we've decided to do more in Orlando, that is the reason for only two nights, not four.
He also said that he think we'll have a good time at MNSSHP and if we see him for two days on the weekend and one day during the week, he will make sure that if his father tries to tag along, he will immediately put a stop to it and tell him we already have plans.
Another thing I forgot about: My husband's cousins from his mother's side want to hang out with us while in Orlando. If my FIL finds out that his ex-wife's neices and nephews will be with us, he's not going to want to tag along.

I thank God that my husband took my worries into consideration. As far as my SIL goes, he said she can deal with it because she booked her trip Knowing my FIL was going and she has to figure out her own way to avoid her father tagging along.

I have to say that I really can't believe the amount of responses to this post. It is amazing that when you think no one understands your position, there are so many who really do.
I also appreciate the responses who did not agree with me, it really opened my eyes. When you're angry with something, you tend to have tunnel-vision, thinking only one way and not wanting to hear anything else.

So now I am putting my faith in my husband. He knows how I feel, I didn't "make" him have a confrontation with my FIL and he soothed my "fears".
He's a great husband and I'm very lucky to have him.

Thanks again
P.S. I loved hearing all your stories, they were really interesting!!!!!

 

[salmoneous]

Glad to hear things are going to work out!

 

[HopperFan]

Happily ever after !

You all have a wonderful trip, sounds like a good plan

 

[I Love Pluto]

If you wanted to borrow your FIL's condo - then expect it to be a FAMILY thing. If you wanted a private vacation - then book a motel room like everyone else does.

As an older person, I would assume that if you liked my condo so much, then you liked ME, too. Don't get angry at FIL. It's on you. Sorry.

 

[2nd childhood]

you're right your husband is a teddy bear and a clever one at that.
I hope you have a wonderful vacation and things work out even better than expected.
Have fun and enjoy!

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

it's not really fair to ask your husband to uninvite his father. That puts your husband in a terrible situation, and it's not his fault.

But the Husband didn't invite his Dad. They asked if they could use the Condo. If i ask to borrow your car I don't expect you to ride along with me! If the FIL was a great guy and or had been a great Dad then i would say suck it up this time but FIL sounds like a bit of a jerk insisting on help from an injured son.
Set out clear limits which days are together days and which are apart days. Even to a typed itinerary. Which meals are together and which aren't. The FIL then knows a head of time and can't complain that he assumed you all would be together all day,every day. He can choose to go or not. He can make other plans for when he is there for his unscheduled days.

Added:
Hope it all works out and your DH sounds like a very kind man.

 

[Groovee]

I'm glad you and your husband have sorted something out between you.

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

He also said that he think we'll have a good time at MNSSHP and if we see him for two days on the weekend and one day during the week, he will make sure that if his father tries to tag along, he will immediately put a stop to it and tell him we already have plans.

I'm assuming what youre saying here is that if your FIL does try to tag along then he's going to put a stop to this. Im glad you resolved your problems, but I must be the only one who finds this to be...wrong. You're literally going to put a stop at anytime your FIL wants to hang out with you guys...thats just wrong. I would never (no matter how annoying they are) do that to any of my family members. I guess its because we come from different backgrounds and were raised differently...but I just dont see how you can take your family to the 'Happiest Place on Earth' a place where families come together and have a great time when you have this sort of attitude. We'll see how much fun you can have when you're at the parks knowing that you had to ask your FIL to stay behind because you didn't want him to join you...if that doesn't weigh heavy on your conscience then that might say more about you than what meets the eye.

 

[disneypookies]

Why does someone have to have some sort of resent against someone else in order to want to spend some alone time with their family? EVEN IF they are crashing at FIL's place that doesn't mean he can just throw himself into their vacation. I know if I wanted to spend time alone with my family I would never let anyone just jump in. I also wouldn't think of Corryn having to do the dirty work as they both feel the same way, and the son can be much more nicer about things.

 

[disneypookies]

I'm assuming what youre saying here is that if your FIL does try to tag along then he's going to put a stop to this. Im glad you resolved your problems, but I must be the only one who finds this to be...wrong. You're literally going to put a stop at anytime your FIL wants to hang out with you guys...thats just wrong. I would never (no matter how annoying they are) do that to any of my family members. I guess its because we come from different backgrounds and were raised differently...but I just dont see how you can take your family to the 'Happiest Place on Earth' a place where families come together and have a great time when you have this sort of attitude. We'll see how much fun you can have when you're at the parks knowing that you had to ask your FIL to stay behind because you didn't want him to join you...if that doesn't weigh heavy on your conscience then that might say more about you than what meets the eye.

Why would she when she never planned on taking him in the first place? Why people think this is fine is beyond me. Why can't they have their alone time which she has made clear she obviously needs?

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

Im all for the family time alone. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that in one of my original posts. My point is, ok this guy is going on the trip...I dont know who he is, who the OP is, or anything about them. Though, he's already booked, ready to go...and even though OP is making this guy to seem like a real bad guy I get the feeling he just wants to spend some time with them. He seemed pretty enthusiastic when he told OP that he was booked to go with them. I don't think he's necessarily trying to intrude (well, he might be), and I know the OP wants to spend some quality time with her family...but they don't have to shut him completely out. I just think the guy wants to spend some time with them, and her last few posts made it seem she doesn't want anything to do with him. Which to me is pretty harsh and very un-Disney like.

Anyway, in the end...this is none of my business and I shouldnt bother speculating...so all of this is really blah.

To the OP, I hope you and your family have a wonderful time!

 

[Corryn]

If you wanted to borrow your FIL's condo - then expect it to be a FAMILY thing. If you wanted a private vacation - then book a motel room like everyone else does.

As an older person, I would assume that if you liked my condo so much, then you liked ME, too. Don't get angry at FIL. It's on you. Sorry.

When you offer something to someone, supposedly it is without strings attached.
To knowingly offer something to someone, and then to "take it away" is called an indian giver. At least that's what I thought growing up. It was also not a nice name to be called, so I never did it.

If you owned a condo and let your friends and family know it is there for their use whenever they would like,
someone takes you up on the offer,
then you tell that person that you will be down there as well,

Well then, you're the rude one to "Expect" to be invited on their trip just because it's yours.
That is Childish.

Whether it is your condo, it doesn't matter, not at all. People make plans and graciously accept your offer. They are not planning on your being there. If they wanted you there, they would ask you.

Family or not, it should make no difference.
Especially when my FIL sees how hard me and my husband work and he knew we were looking forward to this vacation for a while. He knowingly set the bait and trapped us.

BTW I guess you didn't read my post very well. I already have other accomodations over in Orlando for the week. We just figured, because every time we see him, he offers the condo; so we extended our stay four days because of that offer, expecting to spend time together, me, my husband and two daughters as a Family.

It sounds like, as a bitter older person, you've been rejected before and you're projecting it towards me. I was raised by my grandfather and I loved him very much, therefore having much respect for people in his generation, unlike many my age. But I will not be taken advantage of, Family or not.

And I'm a loyal DIS fan, just like everyone here, but if, in order to be so, one of the conditions is to be taken advantage of and walked on, then I guess I'm not up to snuff.

Family does not take advantage of each other, Family are there to love and help you out - Unconditionally

 

[Corryn]

Start hanging around FIL's house EVERY DAY. Eat all his food, stop showering, have the kids yell and scream at each other constantly. He'll be so sick of you by the time vacation comes around, he'll back out voluntarily!!

Now THAT'S an Idea!!!!

 

[Bill From PA]

I didn't read the entire thread so pardon me if this point has been made. The issue here is not how good or bad a friend or relative is, how generous they were to offer a condo or even if they had hidden motives when making the offer. One simply does not self invite, not to your party, not to your picnic and certainly not to your vacation. PERIOD! I don't know why I get my undies in a bunch over this because I've not been victimized myself, and I certainly see greater breaches of etiquette on a daily basis, for some unknown reason this is a hot button for me. I take it the OP has resolved this, but it shouldn't have been an issue in the first place.

Bill From PA