Help! FIL Invited Himself on our trip!

[Step]

I don't know what to do....
I have been waiting to attend MNSSHP for three years. We went in 2003 and I can't wait to get back.
My FIL and his wife own a condo on the west coast. They have been saying for the past two years we are more than welcome to utilize it. So the day SW came out with their fall schedule, I called him up and asked to use his place. He said, sure!
I booked the airfare and we were very excited, figuring what costumes to wear at the party, etc. My SIL and her family are also coming down, but they're staying with my BIL BF who works at Disney Hong Kong (he's coming back to visit with BIL & SIL. He owns DVC at Saratoga Springs and that's where SIL & BIL are staying).

Anyway, the next night we went over to my FIL's house to barbeque and he proclaims, I just booked our flight today, we're gonna have a great time!
I looked at him and then looked at my husband. of course, we weren't going to discuss it in front of my FIL and his wife, because that would have been rude.
But how rude is it to invite yourself on your children's vacation?

I understand it is his condo, but I feel we were trapped. He Never mentioned coming down while we were there. Never. I wouldn't have asked him to use his condo if I knew he was planning on being there!
But now, not only is he going to be there on the West Coast, he Invited Himself to MNSSHP!!! He even booked his Vistana timeshare for that week so he can be with us the whole time!!!!!
I am a loyal DIS'er and huge Disney fan. I relish my vacations and daily check the DIS boards for any new information or just to chat and like you, I cannot wait for my next Disney Vacation.
But things have gotten too heavy over here, and I have just informed my husband that if he does not straighten things out with my FIL, I am going to cancel my vacation.
That's right, I'm gonna CANCEL IT!!! Call me crazy, tell me I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, but this man invited himself on our vacation!!

My husband is saying that he feels bad telling his dad that he doesn't appreciate the self-invite. I say his father is making me feel bad and stressed out by inviting himself. I enjoy going to his home for bbq's or just for dinner or holidays, and I don't mind inviting him over for the same, but we see each other often enough that I feel safe in saying I don't need him tagging along on our vacation!
Don't feel bad for this guy. He is always pushing his way on everyone. He is retired and has a large circle of friends. He's always doing something so it's not like he's lonely. He is always inviting himself over to my SIL's house, and he is very pushy, especially if he wants something.
Yet, no one is allowed to express their displeasure. He gets upset if someone confronts him over something he does.

I work during the day and I attend college at night. I just finished a very intense summer course in chemistry. I start my next class at the end of the month. I have been looking forward to my vacation. I feel I definitely deserve it.
This coming May, my family, my SIL and my MIL are going on DCL Magic. I am not sure if my FIL knows this, but I have a feeling he does and he's jealous that we are going with my MIL and that we did not invite him. I'm thinking this is his reason for inviting himself.
Listen, I really can't tolerate being with this guy for my whole vacation. I feel so strongly about this that I want to cancel it.

Okay DIS'ers, I need your advice,
What would you do?????

If you feel really uncomfortable staying with them you could shoot for a hotel instead. It might add some extra cost but it would get the point accross.

The other option is to politely explain that you will want to do some family events seperately. And then plan an event or two with them for appeasement.

Honestly though, he may have offered the condo as a way of saying, "hey I'd love to be part of your family vacation sometime". Maybe he just didn't know how else to express that.

 

[salmoneous]

I've planned trips and had my Dad invite himself along. To be honest, I wish he hadn't and would have had a better trip had he not come. But you know what? He's my Dad. I owe him a heck of a lot. I'm sure there were about a million trips we went on where he would have enjoyed himself more if he hadn't brought his children.

So I'm just putting myself in your DH's shoes. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for family. Yes, I hear you saying that your DH has - in your opinion - made more than his share of sacrifices already. But if your DH doesn't feel that way, don't force him to go against his father.

If you will be miserable with him around, don't go. But don't punish your DH and kids.

 

[Corryn]

Thanks again for the responses...
But I'm just curious....

If someone continually told you to utilize their condo and that owner had no plans whatsoever to be down there at that time,

You take them up on the offer, hoping for some quality time alone with your immediate family....

The next day that person surprises you and informs you they booked a trip around your trip....

I understand everyone's position with regards to causing a rift in the family,
but do you understand that we feel we were tricked?

I really feel we were.

If I had a condo and I told my family that they were more than welcome to use it, I would Never, not in a Million Years, call them up after they made concrete plans to tell them I would be staying there as well.
I am adult enough to realize obviously they want to spend time together as a family, and only if they persisted in asking me to join them would I.

I am a believer in giving my guests their space.

Family or not, that is rude.

As far as needing the place, we do not need to stay there, not at all. I do not mind shelling out a couple more hundred dollars for alternate accomodations.
As far as letting my father in law take advantage, that is something my husband and his sister have let him do.
My sister in law is also going bonkers over this, and she's not even staying in his condo.
And my husband is also not happy about this, but he deals with things well.
So the man's own children feel he has imposed.

I have not let the man take advantage of me, and that's why, this time, now that I am involved, I'm pissed.
It's not childish, it's standing up for myself as a responsible adult who works hard and goes to school and deserves a vacation alone with the family. There were many times when he has tried to take advantage of me and I have stuck up for myself. He was pissed, but he got over it.

If the guy invited himself over my house, which he does, I don't say anything because he is there to see the girls, but honestly? He doesn't hang out with the girls, the girls go and do their own thing. He hangs out with us. Do I kick him out? Never.

As far as Grampa spending quality time with the kids down in Disney, the kids have approached him on that subject many times when he talks about jetting down to his place, and he's always had some excuse. But now that we're going and we're paying, well, that's a different story. Between FIL and his wife, they make a very comfortable salary, even on retirement - but we do not take advantage, never have asked for a penny, never....
As far as the kids are concerned, they are great kids. I used to get complimented on them when they were younger whenever we went out to eat, and even his friends have complimented on how well behaved they are.

Like I said, I'm not speaking of a poor old sap, I'm talking about a man who is used to getting his way, and takes advantage of people's feelings. It's not HIS vacation that will be ruined if something is said, It's OUR and My vacation that will be ruined if something isn't said.

I appreciate the responses, I really do. The ones I don't agree with are grounding me, but then I get upset all over again thinking about it. I mean, I would be stuck in a tiny bedroom for four nights, and I can't even walk around without my bra on!

 

[pixiechick]

I understand your frustrations about him taking away from your experience. Having been in a situation where relatives came ( in our case technically invited) that I would have preferred stayed home, I have some thoughts...

First, if I'm keeping my in-laws straight, it sounds like FIL has at least 2 children going. DH and SIL? Maybe he sees it as a "family trip" and feels like he belongs.

Also, to repeat what others have said, he's family. He may not be your favorite person but he is your husband's father.

The thing I kept reminding myself during our trip with the inlaws was my son loved the time he spent with them. Did I? No, Every thing I feared happened-and then some. But every time he laughed or hugged them, I knew I had made the right decision.

I also booked another trip for 2 months after we got back without anyone knowing. BEST decision I made!

 

[Chester's Mum]

I work during the day and I attend college at night. I just finished a very intense summer course in chemistry. I start my next class at the end of the month. I have been looking forward to my vacation. I feel I definitely deserve it.

I can sympathize with your situation, I too work full time, and attend night school. People should understand that if you want to go on a private vacation with your family, then there's nothing wrong with that. I dearly love my mom, but when she invited herself along on our disney vacation, the whole dynamics of the trip changed. It was all about her. She didn't want to go to "those amusement parks" every day, when we did go, she wanted to leave early to go some place else for dinner. We didn't get to visit the water parks, or miniature golf etc. We felt it would be rude to leave her on her own while we were away from morning til night, so we stayed with her. It was the most expensive shopping trip I've ever taken. Orlando has great shopping, but its not a vacation. It's not that I don't want to spend time with my mom, but I work hard, and have a busy life. I need time with my husband and kids too. If your FIL is as overbearing as you say, I can certainly understand your feelings about being on vacation with him. I hope you find a way to resolve this. Good luck

 

[phorsenuf]

Out of curiosity, is your FIL in good health? I can't help but wonder if since he's passed on all those other times of spending time with the kids in Disney he is now regretting it.
Is it possible something has happened with his health (that you may or more not know) that has made him come to realize that time is short? I don't mean to imply he's dying or something, but maybe he had some kind of health scare.

Who knows why now he has decided to join you but I would have to say let him go. My MIL went with us one time and while it wasn't the best of trips for me or DH the kids had fun showing her things (we go alot, she hadn't been since EPCOT was built). Another time my parents did exactly what you FIL did. As soon as I had my dates and reesies they made theirs and surprised me. We were thrilled. Shortly after that trip my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and given 6 - 8 months and 2% chance of beating it.
By the grace of God he did beat it and I will chreish that trip always.

Sometimes you just don't know all the circumstances behind peoples motives. I say go with him, have fun but plan to split up and have some family time. That's what we did and it was a happy balance and a very memorable trip.

 

[Lynne M]

I hate having my own trips disrupted, and I really do understand how you feel. The problem is, it's not just 'your' trip. It's not even just your husband and your kids and you. It sounds to me like it's a fairly large family group that's going, and I'm not surprised that your FIL would want to be included in that, and would have no reason to think he wasn't invited.

Sounds like the biggest hardship for you will be having to share the condo with him, and I do understand how you'd feel about 'not being able to walk around without a bra'. I'd hate that too!

So, why not just spend the few hundred and get a hotel room, so your family can have some privacy?

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

I can understand how you're upset because he invited himself, but come on guys! Disney is a family place...it always was and it always will be. What do you think Uncle Walt would do? You think he'd be upset and make a fuss over this? Heck no, he'd be the first one to accept your FIL with open arms. So maybe he's going to intrude here and there, but it doesn't necessarily mean you can't plan some family-only events while you're at the world. Let him know that even though he's going you have some things planned with your husband and kids only, Im SURE he'll understand that. Who knows, you might even be surprised on how much your FIL participates in the trip...he might do things for you guys that will give you a different perspective on him.

Man, I just sure hope when I have kids/grandkids they don't think about me this way when I'm an old man wanting to goto Disney with them.

 

[kvogel11202]

All I keep seeing is "he's not paying for the trip" " We never took money from him" so if he offered to pay for the trip he'd be welcome, otherwise his children and grandchildren will all go on vacation and you'd exclude him? Sounds more greedy than anything. Whatever your husband and SIL may feel about him "tagging along" on the trip, it's up to them to speak up, if not, suck it up. Why not allow your children to have these memories, because he won't be here forever. My parents come on every trip we take to Disney, my husband doesn't love it- we live with them too- and sure he likes to take a break from them, but he deals with it because he knows how important it is that the kids have this time with them. I wish I could convince my in laws to come with us, it would be so special for the kids. I agree with the previous response that your attitude comes off very childish. Perhaps because we don't hear the whole story? But if that is so, your original case wasn't very well stated.

 

[HayGan]

Well, I see it as he should have asked if you minded him joining but it also sounds like he isn't asked to do these things with your family anyway. So maybe he felt it was the only way to join his family for a magical trip.

I really see it as you have 3 choices - book different accommodations for those 4 nights or cancel your trip or suck it up for a few nights.

I really think it is a bit over the top to cancel your whole trip and disappoint your family because you can't put up with your FIL for a few days. However, it is your trip/life and we aren't the ones who have to live with the consequences of your decision.

I hope whatever you decide that you and your family are content with your decision!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Man, I just sure hope when I have kids/grandkids they don't think about me this way when I'm an old man wanting to goto Disney with them.

They won't if you have the common courtesy to at least ASK FIRST!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

My parents come on every trip we take to Disney, my husband doesn't love it- we live with them too- and sure he likes to take a break from them, but he deals with it because he knows how important it is that the kids have this time with them.

I understand what you're saying, but you guys couldn't take ONE family trip without your parents? I'll bet your dh would love it! It's important to have time together as a nuclear family, too.

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

They won't if you have the common courtesy to at least ASK FIRST!

Whaaaaaaaat? No way! Im gonna be a bitter old man, no time for any of that tom foolery. I'll go whereever as I please!

 

[RickinNYC]

I feel for you in terms of the situation you find yourself in. Must be pretty rough to have to deal with because it's clearly putting you out. It would bug the heck out of me too. But that is where my sympathy ends I'm afraid.

You feel as if your FIL is pushing himself on you for your vacation. You react and push back but not at him, but at your husband, by admittedly berating him to talk to his Dad. If you feel this strongly, then do exactly what you want us to believe and stand up for yourself. Not by making demands of your DH or badgering him into submission so that he can have an uncomfortable talk with your FIL. YOU need to take control of the situation and deal with it like an adult. Stop shoving your husband into doing something that you have even stated he does not want to do.

My husband is saying that he feels bad telling his dad that he doesn't appreciate the self-invite.

Frankly, it's pretty cruel and not just a little selfish to force your husband into a position he clearly does not want to be in.

Again, I am sorry that you find yourself in a precarious family situation but you need to deal with this and not drag others with you.

 

[bluejasmine]

I for one understand how the OP feels. True it is FIL condo but her DH did ask to borrow it and wouldnt that normally imply they would be going alone unless FIL had specifically said he was going too?
OP- I would try not to stress about it just go as planned, I dont feel you are obligated to spend your entire trip with FIL, I dont think he would fault you for spending some quality time with hubby as planned.

 

[kvogel11202]

I understand what you're saying, but you guys couldn't take ONE family trip without your parents? I'll bet your dh would love it! It's important to have time together as a nuclear family, too.

We do a lot of travelling just our family, we take many long weekends together. My parents LOVE Disney and Love all of us, I would never deny them the joy of coming on the trip with us. Watching them enjoy my children is a gift to myself as well as my kids.

 

[PlutoLuvr]

For the OP, I know exactly how you feel. My birthday was in February, and my hubby and I were going to spend our vacation in Orlando during my b-day.

Well, his mom called a few weeks before our vacation and "informed" him that it would be a great idea to get the whole family together (all 11 of them) for a reunion in Disney, the plans were already set...oh, I almost forgot. It was one of my hubby's brother's birthdays around that time, so we needed to ship him some money for park tickets since he couldn't afford to go otherwise.

I had booked an ADR at Jiko for my birthday dinner -- gone. She insisted on 50s PTC since it had food "the kids would like." (We have no children).

I was pretty ticked. I'm not aggressive, nor confrontational, live a couple hours from Orlando, so we go all the time. Honestly, I just sucked it up and figured I'd deal with it as best I could.

I have to tell you, I ended up having one of the best vacations ever. Tons of fun memories were made, some plans were made with everyone together; sometimes some of us would break off and do our own thing. My birthday dinner was heavenly, and the in-laws had ordered a surpise cake for me at PTC.

A few months later, DH & I had dinner over at his sister's house. Her daughter, my niece (who I wasn't all that close with before our trip), now has a picture of the two of us with Cinderella by her bed (my 8-year-old neice and I were the only ones interested in pictures with characters). After our vacation, my SIL went through all the photos from vacation with her daughter and asked her which one she'd like for her room. She picked the one I mentioned without hesitation and said it was her favorite part of vacation. She's also asked her mom when she can go back to Disney with her best aunt again

Just wanted to let you know that sometimes really sweet lemonade can be made with lemons

 

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]

Well said PlutoLuvr!

 

[Annam26]

If I had a condo and I told my family that they were more than welcome to use it, I would Never, not in a Million Years, call them up after they made concrete plans to tell them I would be staying there as well.
I am adult enough to realize obviously they want to spend time together as a family, and only if they persisted in asking me to join them would I.

Did you ever plan on inviting him to any vacation with you? Maybe this is the only way he thought he'd be included

As far as letting my father in law take advantage, that is something my husband and his sister have let him do.
My sister in law is also going bonkers over this, and she's not even staying in his condo.
And my husband is also not happy about this, but he deals with things well.
So the man's own children feel he has imposed.

I have not let the man take advantage of me, and that's why, this time, now that I am involved, I'm pissed.
It's not childish, it's standing up for myself as a responsible adult who works hard and goes to school and deserves a vacation alone with the family. There were many times when he has tried to take advantage of me and I have stuck up for myself. He was pissed, but he got over it.

Can you let him "win" this time? I'm sorry to insist on this, but like someone else said, as wonderful as WDW is, one vacation not going as planned is not worth the heartbreak this would cause not only to your FIL, but also to your husband. In your OP you said you have another vacation planned in less than a year, so is not like this is "once in a lifetime" trip.

JMO, but I think that if you accept to go with him, with open heart and arms and without any grudges, years from now the memory that you were the bigger person in this situation will make you memories from this trip happier and warmer for you, instead of always having the memory of this trip attached to your DH having his heart broken by breaking his dad heart.

Again, JMO, and good luck with your decision

 

[mking624]

The fact is that this is his condo. And while I understand the frustration of having an unexpected person join the vacation, it is his right to be in his condo. It's always important to keep in mind that if you're going to be staying at someone else's place, there is always the possibility that the person will be there as well...even if at first they said they wouldn't. It's their right to be there. Simple solution: don't stay at a place where you don't want the owner there. If you felt tricked by him, an easy thing to tell him would be "ok that's fine you can stay there...we need some family alone time so we'll get a hotel so you can have your place."

I've done Disney vacations with people I would have rather not have been there at the same time as me...and have shared rooms with them. But DH & I made the most out of it. I would rather be in Disney than at home sulking about having to cancel my vacation becuse so-and-so was going. Disney is large enough to not fret over it.

I don't think him being there is going to ruin your vacation so much as your attitude about him being there. Any situation can have the most made out of it, but all you're diong is trying to find every single thing that can possibly go bad. Of course a vacation will be ruined if you look at it that way. I'm not saying "look at how awful you are!" Hardly. Just trying to point out that there can be positives to this if you take the time to look for them. And I would have had more sympathy had your accomodations not been through him. But they are...so to say he has no right to join...well you kind of gave up that right when you decided to stay at someone else's place. If someone were staying in my place, yes I'd give them space...but I'll be darned if they tell me that I have no right to step foot in a place that's mine just because they are there. And a selfish FIL or not, this is your husband's father...try to remember that because one day he's not going to be there anymore and your husband shouldn't have to go through the "I wish I had...".

You feel as if your FIL is pushing himself on you for your vacation. You react and push back but not at him, but at your husband, by admittedly berating him to talk to his Dad. If you feel this strongly, then do exactly what you want us to believe and stand up for yourself. Not by making demands of your DH or badgering him into submission so that he can have an uncomfortable talk with your FIL. YOU need to take control of the situation and deal with it like an adult. Stop shoving your husband into doing something that you have even stated he does not want to do.