Help -- Ds has an imaginary dad

[TinkerbellBlue]

Since my ds, who is 4, has never met his dad he is making up stories about him. His dad did come over once, when ds was a few months old, to tell me to drop the child support. He did not even acknowledge ds. I do not think he even looked at him when he walked by him in the room. He use to say he understood the stories were made up, but now he is starting to insist the stories are real. I do not know what to say to my ds about his dad or the stories. I need help from others who are in the same situation. How do you tell a 4 year old why he can't see his dad? How do I handle the made up stories when he tells them? I am at a loss here.

 

[friendofgusgus]

Hi! I just wanted to drop in on your thread with some support!

Your DS is at a stage when what child development folks call "magical thinking" is in full force. This is when children can be very confused about what is real and what is not - it's a famous time for monsters under the bed, creatures in closets and imaginary friends. The down side is it's also a time when children make up circumstances to explain their lives to themselves - and then believe them.

Your DS is working hard to try and process the idea that his dad is not around. Inventing a dad and the life that keeps that dad away is not a bad way of working this out in his own head. The problem starts, of course, when his fantasy dad doesn't stay in his own imagination - he comes out to be shared with the rest of your DS's world.

How much does your DS know about his dad? He does have one, so it's important for him to have an idea of who his dad is - but also an idea that is realistic and age-appropriate. The tough part of this is censoring your own opinion of this man and not once letting on how angry/disappointed/disgusted/saddened you are by his dad. When your DS is old enough, he'll figure out what kind of man his dad really is. (Warning: he may be in his 20s before that happens!)

I would approach this by talking with your DS about who his dad is. Tell him what you know and tell him that his dad is very busy with all the things he has to do so he doesn't come and visit. Tell him that he probably won't come and visit for a long time - maybe until he's all grown up. Don't apologize for it, but just explain it. Then lavish him with your hugs and love.

You might also want to encourage him to think about what he thinks a dad might be. He might want to make up stories about dads and sons. Call them "dad stories" and let him draw pictures if he wants. Read them to him at night if he wants. And then walk out of his room, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your DS wanting a dad is NO REFLECTION ON YOU AS A PARENT. Repeat that a million times.

Your DS is trying to work something out for himself. It may likely be a fixation for a while, but it will pass. Waiting for it to pass will seem like purgatory, but it will pass. I PROMISE.

You may also want to have your son see a play therapist so that he can play out his ideas about his dad and dads in general. That would be a great relief for you since you wouldn't have to be the one that has to hear all his "dad" stories.

This has got to be hard for you. You know the truth about this man but there is no way you can share that truth with a four year old without causing harm. Acting like all this is okay with you may be the toughest job you have for a while but it's not uncommon for a child to focus on an absent parent - even a known one.

I am sending you a giant hug

Hang in there - and remember that your DS is a fine little man already!

 

[hiwaygal]

I haven't personally gone through this but a family member did.

When her son began asking questions she answered as best she could...telling him the truth she thought he could handle at his age.

She also found opportunities (through friends/daycare/school/church etc) to spend time with other kids fathers (and the kids too!!). It sounds weird now, I guess...but I know it did her son a world of good.

She also looked into the Big Brother program and his BB ended up being a fireman! That was like extra cool-ness factor!

Anyway, I can understand how hard it is for you. I hope you get better ideas and help from others in this thread.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Your DS is trying to work something out for himself. It may likely be a fixation for a while, but it will pass. Waiting for it to pass will seem like purgatory, but it will pass. I PROMISE.

Ditto.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The pain of rejection is becoming clear to him so making up stuff is his way of coping.

I suppose I would suggest to you to research some coping strategies that might work for your son.

If you need to be truthful on some level you can. I am not sure how much you say, I suppose you can let your son take the lead.

My DH had his dad basically vacate his life at age 5. Took him till his 30's to figure out that there was nothing there.

So yea, getting some info from a counselor might not be a bad idea actually.

 

[Jenvenza]

I am not really sure what kind of advice I can give you, I just wanted to give you my support! Hugs to you and your DS.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not an expert... but I do know a little about these kinds of things.

And, I agree with the excellent posts that you have received so far!

I do not think that this is uncommon at all!

I would temper his imagination with as much truth as possible.
Tell him simple (non-judgmental) things about his dad.
Tell him what type of job his dad may have/have had.
Tell him things like "He has light brown hair, just like you..."
etc.

The more truth he has to 'process' the less room for imagination!!!

As far as trying to explain why he does not see his dad...
Young children really take things at face value.
Explain to him very very simply, and point blank, that not all children have thier dad's in their lives. This can be for very different reasons. Dad's move away, are very busy with their lives, etc... This really should be all the explanation that he needs at this point. (There are many years yet in which to go further into the whole thing....) What is important is to be very careful to NOT inject any emotionality... Young children will take things at face value... but will pick up on emotional undertones very quickly.

I also agree, that if this continues, or begins to have any negative effects, then some child counseling/therapy might be a great option.

Like another poster mentioned, when you are so emotionally vested, this may be the kind of thing where some talented, objective, assistance would help a lot.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

You got some great input already!

I grew up without a father. Mom never married, by choice, and he lived in CO most of my life. When I was about 4, my friend asked me why I didn't have a daddy. My response was, "Oh, I did but he jumped off the dining room table and killed himself !!! We were in the car and my Mom just about ran off the road, laughing!

The best thing my Mom ever did for me was be completely honest. I'm sure she had to use age appropriate concepts etc... but I just always remember knowing truth. When I was about 6, kids in school started teasing me, and saying I was adopted, because I didn't have father. When I told my Mom, she told me about the truth about the "facts of life", so that I would know you didn't have to be married to have a baby.

Our situations are probably really different but I think it's best to keep easing your DS into the truth, whatever that may be. Start with easy to understand things and add info. as you think he can handle it. Openess and willingness to discuss it, on your part, will make him feel secure and know that there is no shame about his life.

In the mean time, try to laugh a little and get him help if you feel he is distressed.

Good luck!!

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

If I were you I would look into going to church, a friend of mine son has never met his dd but he has plenty of dads at church and that really helps a lot.

 

[clutter]

The pain of rejection is becoming clear to him so making up stuff is his way of coping.

Actually, I have to respectfully disagree with this.

Given his age, he is most likely enjoying the imaginary world he's created. I think that one very important thing that TinkerbellBlue can do is to not project a sense of loss onto her son. Yes, someday he will feel it, but at this age, it's highly unlikely. Also, try not to make his lack of a dad an emotional hot button. As Diva of Dragons and FriendofGusGus and Wishing on a Star said, keep to the facts and keep the facts to what he can understand, adding all the time as he grows. Not having a dad is a fact, but her son should be able to register the loss and pain of rejection on HIS timetable. If ever.

As far as dealing with his imaginary dad, read 'how to talk so kids will listen'. They have a wonderful section about dealing with imagination. Treat having an imaginary dad the same as you would any imaginary friend or relative. (I actually know a kid with a dad that had an imaginary one, too.)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Actually, I have to respectfully disagree with this.

Ok, rejection is projection too much , but it is still a coping strategy for his lack of having a dad.

So yea, I like the "easing him into the truth".

 

[tzolkin]

If I were you I would look into going to church, a friend of mine son has never met his dd but he has plenty of dads at church and that really helps a lot.

I really have to disagree with this. That child is more than aware of the fact that those are not really his "dads", and I don't see where that would help a child who doesn't understand why his real dad is not involved in his life. Yes, it may be good to have male role models involved in the child's life, but that is different than having a father. Also, I don't know why you would assume that the OP does not go to church and I'm personally bothered that you would imply that she should because her child is having issues.

OP-- I don't really have any suggestions. My four year old has a very active imagination. She had many imaginary friends this summer. She acknowledged that they were imaginary, but she was always arguing with them whenever she was playing by herself. Now she just has very detailed (and sometimes upsetting) dreams. I think partly the stories are the age, but obviously the situation compounds them.

My oldest child has never really met her biological father either, but I got married when she was four and "daddy" had been involved in her life for several years before that, so she didn't really have the same situation. She will be 10 next month. We have had several conversations about her biological father, but she still really doesn't have much interest in the subject. Does your son know anyone who is adopted? That was when my daughter initiated some conversations with me. She had a friend at school who did a presentation on being adopted from Russia. My daughter was completely accepting of the fact that some biological parents give their children up for adoption for various reasons, so she did not question why she has a biological parent that's not involved (in her mind he "gave her up for adoption"). This was when she was about 6, so maybe your son is a bit young to understand it that way ?


I know this must be very stressful and emotional for you.

 

[islandmum]

my neice goes to school and tells her friends about her mum and dad and their cars and their nice house ... she's 5, they've never been together since she was born, they dont live together, she sees her dad maybe once a week, theres no cars.

she's just desperately trying to fit in and creating a perfect little bubble infront of people. She knows the harsh reality, her life is very stressful, my sister is not the best role model and her life is full of mummys boyfriends and confusing to be sure.

Right now my parents are gently trying to get it across to her that she doesnt need to say little white lies to join in her friends games or conversations, but its hard to say that to a 5 year old who's pretty emotionally shot to pieces.

Her reality - unfortunately she knows what her mum and dads life are really like and she doesnt want that.

to you, i echo what others have said and give your ds facts about his dad so have something truthful and real to deal with and hopefully it will pass as he grows up.

 

[Mr Man]

We went through this with our nephew. His mom (my sister) was very young when he was born. Long story short, my nephew lived with us for nearly 7 yrs while his mother was working through her issues. The biological father was a non-entity......not evil, not bad, just not there.....

During this 7 yrs, we went through a lot of the same things with him. He really took it hard and understood very quickly that he was missing out on something important.

It was most poignant for us when we would look at his homework and see essays he had written about his Dad (with titles like- "Why my Dad is My Hero") and Mothers Day & Fathers day cards.....sigh......

But, he came through it just fine (his Mom did too)

He is now 16yrs old, an honor student, a very talented musician & is getting ready to pick his University in the next few months. He has options, is very well adjusted and quite the young gentleman.

A few years ago, he came to me and the wife and told us how much he appreciated what we did for him........ok, actually that's not exactly true....he simply said, "You have never let me down and have always done what you said you would do"........we took that as sincere thanks and it means more to us than any accolade or reward we could ever receive.

My only advice is to be patient and just be there for him. If he wants to act out a bit and let his imagination wander.....let him. Children are stronger and more resilient than we understand. He will find a way to heal himself. We caregivers (parents or otherwise) are simply here to protect and shelter them while they figure things out.

JMO

Wishing you the best

 

[DLSuperVet]

He may be a little too young still to really comprehend rejection. Imaginary friends are common in adolescents and frankly it sounds like his imaginary dad is far more substantial than his real one.

If you don't mind me asking, does he have a father figure in his life? A grandfather, hip uncle, cool guy with a Camaro that comes over for hamburgers every now and then...

It's not about gender roles. Children simply need to have that part of an equation in my opinion. A bond between mother and child is vastly different (though equally necessary) than the bond with a father. If they're not able to get that from their actual father I believe necessity will drive them to find it.

You're in a unique position to help him choose who that figure will be by the company you keep.

Good luck.

 

[beckmrk04]

I have never met my father. I know who he is, where he lives, but he chose not to be a part of my life when I was born, and my mom was ok with that.

It was weird for me as a kid. People ask who your dad is, what your dad does, do you live with your mommy and daddy? I had no daddy to take to the father/daughter stuff they had at school.

But, my mom was always open and honest with me, and I really think that helped it be less of an issue. She (to this day) has never said anything bad about my father (to me, anyway ). She said he was a great guy but wasn't ready to be a parent, and she was, and that she had more than enough love for me for two parents; she would tell me that families are all different shapes, sizes, and colors, but what matters most is that families, whoever they are, whatever form they take- love each other.

I would let your son talk about whatever is bothering him (and maybe it's not even bothering him so much as he's just trying to figure it all out). A lot of times kids will make up the answers to questions they don't know how to ask. Ask if it is bothering him. Ask him if there is anything specific he wants to know. Maybe he is just really curious and he's trying to come up with answers (which of course sound outlandish, because 4 yr olds are by definition, outlandish ).

Growing up I felt resentful that my dad didn't want to be around me. I thought maybe it was me, maybe he wouldn't like me. Now, I know that he was young and scared and didn't realize what he had gotten himself into. I know it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. Your DS may need reassurance of that, too.

I think of my father every so often- I would love to meet him just to talk. See if we share any of the same quirks or interests, kwim? But, I am not angry, or upset, because it is what it is. If anything, I feel bad for him- he missed all of my important stuff: I graduated with honors from high school and got to go to U of I. I got married to a wonderful guy (and walked myself down the aisle). I gave birth to a beautiful, smart, happy little girl, and he doesn't get to be her grandpa. He missed out, and continues to miss out.

 

[N&B'smom]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you because this HAS to be breaking your heart. Just reading it broke mine!

Shelby

 

[TinkerbellBlue]

Wow, I did not think I would get such a big response to this. It helps me get a better perspective on the issue. I feel after reading all of this there are many things I am doing and doing right. I guess I just felt I was not and failing my ds in some way because I can not make his dad be a dad. I do tell him what I can about his dad. It is hard because I felt some how the more willing I was to talk the harder it would be on him. I worry that questions will come up that make him realize his dad could be here but chooses not to. This would break his heart. I would rather him just think his dad is to far away to be able to see him but would if he could. This is all I can think of every time we drive through his home town on the way to WDW. I wait for my ds to realize we are near his dad. Since he is young yet he has not asked were exactly his dad live. I just tell him it is a long way away. I just do not want my ds feeling he is not worth the time it would take for his dad to see him.
Telling a child his dad lives too far away to visit seems like telling him he is not worth the time.

He does have a few male role models but no one he sees on a weekly or daily basis. He is not yet old enough for the Big Brother program.

I will reread all of the posts to try and digest what everyone has said. I will also try to be unemotional when talking about his dad and not try and ignore the subject.

Thank you all for the advice. It is comforting, yet sad, to know others have had the same issues.