Help! DS and friend are picking on my son.

[Not so Dumbo]

Here's the situation. I have 2 DS's one is 6 and the other is 4. Until now, they are hardly ever apart. Sure, they fight but are inseperatable. Ds6 has a friend that lives 2 houses down and all the kids have played together for the last few years with no problems until this year. Now DS4 is coming home early and says DS6 and friend are being mean to him. I know for a fact that the friend will give DS6 snacks and tell DS4 he can't have one.

To make matters worse, DS4 has a speach and language delay and it's very hard to understand him. When he comes home early, or lately not wanting to go at all, he just mopes around and doesn't want to do anything. I've tried talking to the friend's mom to find out what's going on, she doesn't seem to know much. I wish I knew just how mean they are being to him. Of course, DS6 claims that it's all DS4's fault and that he's done nothing wrong, but something has to be happening for DS4 to all of a sudden not want to play with them.

I've tried to get the kids to all play here, but DS6 and his friend never want to. I'm to the point where I don't know if I shouldn't let DS6 play at this friends house or maybe that it's time that my DS's seperate and DS4 accepts that DS6 can't be his only friend.

Any suggestions?

 

[bartleby1]

I would insist that they play at my house until I could get a better feel for what is going on. Children are always going to blame someone else so you need to see for yourself who is at fault. Also, I would talk to DS6 and lay it on really thick about protecting each other, family sticks together, etc. He needs to realize that whether he is doing the picking on, or whether he is just standing by and allowing it to happen from the friend, that it won't be tolerated. I do a lot of the "how would you feel if someone did it to you" discussions with my kids.

You definitely need to get them to play at your house a few times to see what is going on and where you are in control. If it is the other child, then you can tell him that this is not acceptable behaviour at your house and he has the choice to play by your rules or go home.

 

[tink1969]

I empathize with you. I do think that your 6 year old needs time on his own with own friends. As they grow older the age gap becomes more evident as they socialize. Two years IS a big difference.
My DD's are now 5 & 9. My younger one has also been seeing a speech pathologist as she was very hard to understand. (Her tongue was moving too much when she talked). She is so much clearer now and still improving.
Maybe when your 6yr old is at his friend's house, that will give you a chance to have some one on one time with the 4 yr old.
I had 4 years alone with my DS until my second DS came along. She doesn't get as much "Mommy and Me" time so I make it fun-time with Mommy when the older DD is at her friend's house and vice-versa.
Hope this helps!
Take care!

 

[tink1969]

OOOps! I have DD's not DS's!

 

[TnTWalter]

the friend is a younger sister so she probably gets 'left out' at home. So when they played here, they often left out my younger daughter [they would run in the bathroom and lock the door and giggle while she cried]. I sat down my older daughter and had a good talk with her when her friend wasn't around. I also explained the rules at my house to the friend and my daughters. They all play very well now.

But DD#1 goes to her friend's house by herself to play. DD#2 plays with her brother or her own friends.

Kids can be so mean sometimes.

Trish

 

[Not so Dumbo]

Thanks for the help. I also have a DD3months who demands a lot of attention right now, so I can't give him my undivided attention all the time. I'm sure that makes him feel worse, I know I feel worse having to tell him "I can play when I'm done with your sister" all the time.

 

[java]

Either nice to the sibling or no playing together- that is a basic rule at our house. DS is old enough to understand that he is a protector of his younger brother- A friend that is not nice to his sibling is not being nice to him. I do however agree that maybe your 6 year old needs some time to play without ds4. Some time to be a big boy.

 

[minkydog]

Let me guess--the two 6yo boys have started school. There is a real pecking order where school is concerned,with those who have started school somehow beingsuperior to those who have not. Then it's those who read well who are superior to those who don't. Then it's the ones who memorize their multiplication tables faster than the others.And so it goes.

You definitely need to see all three kids together to get a feel for their interaction. It may be that the 6yo's need some play time without the little bro tagging along. There is a world of difference in interests and abilities from 4 to 6. Perhaps there needs to be some days when your kids play with each other and days when they play separately.

You don't mention the 4yo having friends and if that is true, that's a problem. The 6yo shouldn't be made to feel that he is responsible for entertaining the 4yo all the time.; If the 4yo doesn't have friends, you need to work on that. Find out why. Is his speech delay interfering? that's a common cause of isolation in young children. Does he understand how to give and take? If the 6yo's are truly picking on the 4yo, that has to stop. Now.

Good luck sorting this out. It's not easy being the mother of the one who's left behind

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

Where are you in Michigan? I live in Royal Oak and am part of a mom's club here. I've only been to a couple of things but there are play dates, outings, picnics, pool parties, etc. arranged during the month and you can go to what you want to. The ages of the kids are really varied so there are older kids and younger ones too. My DS is too young to really play a lot with the others but I know as he gets older he'll have some playmates from kids in the group. I guess my point is that depending on where you live, there may be a similar group in your area and you could go with your kids and maybe find some playmates for your younger son. And as a younger sibiling I can now appreciate that my sister needed time with her friends away from me but that didn't mean it hurt any less. I know its hard with a 3 month old but any special mommy/son time you can give your 4 year old would be worth it. And this may sound stupid but have your DSs seen Lilo and Stitch? I just remember Lilo getting picked on by the other kids and then the parts about Ohana means family and families stick together. Maybe it would be a good thing to watch as a family and have a discussion about it afterwards. Good luck!

 

[Not so Dumbo]

I'm on the "West Coast". We don't have a mom's group that I know of. My DS4 will be going to school again starting next week. 4 days per week / all 1/2 days. The problem is that because of his language delay, he's in a school for mentally challenged children so that he can get speach therapy. Most have bigger problems than he does so making friends there is difficult. There is another boy in the neighborhood who is DS4's age, however, he sees the bigger kids pick on DS4 and he has started in on it too. Most times he has told DS4 he doesn't want to play with him, only the other kids. Other than that, DS4 doesn't have any friends. I'm sure his language delay makes him very easy to pick on. He has a hard time even standing up for himself. I've told DS6 over and over again that he's his big brother and it's his job to look out for him. I think peer pressure plays a role there too.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

My heart so goes out to your DS4. Kids can just be so cruel sometimes even though I know they don't always know what they're doing - it can still hurt. Here is a link to the website for the Moms club, they're an international organization so there maybe a chapter near you.

http://www.momsclub.org/

I would e-mail them to see if there is a group nearby. I looked on the Michigan list and saw a Zeeland group listed but they only ones listed have websites and since my group doesn't have a website it isn't listed but we exist so definitely e-mail them and see. It may sound silly but "being nice" (more so the moms) is part of the guidelines so if you are caught gossiping about other moms or kids then it says you'll be asked to leave so they really promote what the group is about which is supporting other moms!

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I have also just started to deal with this. I have caught DS6 doing deliberately mean and hurtful things to DS2 and laughing while he does it. Up to now he'd been able to wriggle out of serious trouble by claiming DS2 was crying because he accidently hit him while doing something careless or some other plausible excuse.

I've tried talking to him, giving him time-outs, and losing it and yelling at him. Finally one night at bedtime I sat on his bed and just talked with him. I told him how sad it made me that he would deliberately hurt his brother, either physically or hurt his feelings. And that DS2 loves and adores DS6 so much, so when DS6 hurts him, it's especially cruel, that he was being a bully. (He and his kindergarten classmates had to deal with an older bully last year, so he knew exactly what I meant.)

By this time, DS6 looked ready to cry. I said I didn't know what else to do, I had tried everything I could think of, but I just cannot allow this behavior to continue, and I WOULD NOT, I must protect DS2. DS6 agreed, said he understood, and agreed that he needs to make 'better choices'. I said tomorrow was another day, a fresh day to make lots of good choices.

That was just a couple days ago, and (much to my surprise!) things have been better. Maybe I really got through! I'm sure he'll need reminding, but I'm so grateful for his current, more careful and more loving behavior.

Maybe you've already done the bedtime talk, maybe not? For some reason it seems much more effective and more intimate and serious. I understand DS6 needing to play with kids his own age (and without DS4), but I would maybe keep the older boys apart for awhile and let DS6 know that it is a consequence of his behavior toward DS4, that cruelty can't be tolerated. I think it also made a difference to use the same terms they use in school, like 'put-downs', 'bully' and 'good choices'. Good luck to you and your boys!

 

[Sandi12404]

I have 2 dd's. One is 8 and the other is 2. Of course the two year old doesn't go out to play at people's houses but my dd8 has had some really hard times. There are two other girls on our street and they're all about a year apart. 2 of them can play happily but when you throw the third one in someone is going home in tears. I complained to my mom about this and she said it was the same when we were little. Thinking back I remember being slighted by my sister and her friend up the street and I'm sure I did the same to her. I thought this was just a "girl" thing. Apparently not.

 

[XYSRUS]

I agree that you have to have the boys play at your house to get a better feel about what's going on. If they don't want to play at your house then tell them T.B.(too bad). That's where you cannot give in. Secondly, donot allow the older one to tease the younger one or vice versa. At the end of the day, who do you have to hang around with but your family. At my house, I tell all the kids that if you're going to be here you all have to play something everyone can play-video games, kickball, etc and you have to include everyone from the 2 yo to the 11 yo. That's just it. I give the older ones plenty of alone time and time with their friends, but if there here, they are not ignoring the little ones. I tell ya' most of the kids in the neighborhood respect this and even have a good time helping the little ones play. Set some ground rules and stick to them. Good luck.

 

[Not so Dumbo]

Thanks for all the adivice. I think I'm going to have another talk with my DS6 and remind him that he needs to look out for little bro and that he looks up to him. Also I am going to divide up the week so that some days DS6 can play at his friends house alone and somedays he can play here with DS4. On the play here days, I think some will just be the 2 of them and others I will let DS's friend come over.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

That sounds like a good plan. Let me know how it goes, I'm sure we'll be in the same boat once school starts and DS6's friends want playdates.

 

[dzorn]

I'm on the "West Coast". We don't have a mom's group that I know of. My DS4 will be going to school again starting next week. 4 days per week / all 1/2 days. The problem is that because of his language delay, he's in a school for mentally challenged children so that he can get speach therapy. Most have bigger problems than he does so making friends there is difficult. There is another boy in the neighborhood who is DS4's age, however, he sees the bigger kids pick on DS4 and he has started in on it too. Most times he has told DS4 he doesn't want to play with him, only the other kids. Other than that, DS4 doesn't have any friends. I'm sure his language delay makes him very easy to pick on. He has a hard time even standing up for himself. I've told DS6 over and over again that he's his big brother and it's his job to look out for him. I think peer pressure plays a role there too.

Is DS4 mentally challenged? If not I would request that he be given speech in least restrictive enviroment, one that is more socially appropriate for him.

Denise in MI