Helicopter Parents: The backlash against overparenting

[mommyof2princesses]

I think the problem is, is many have stopped "allowing" the kids to make mistakes and require them to be perfect, and then when they can't be perfect they try to be perfect for them.

This is so true. Humans were meant to make mistakes. We learn from mistakes. Of course, we protect our kids from mistakes that can kill them, but for the most part, we survived our mistakes!

I have always said that I am a horrible parent by today's standards. When DS was little I didn't let him win at board games. If he won, great! If not, well that is life. I was told I was wrong for doing that. I figured it taught him that we didn't always get our way. He has always been taught about consequences. I don't think I could be a helicopter parent. It takes too much energy.

How does a child learn to not be a sore loser if they never lose! We need to teach childen this. Of course, they should also learn how to win with grace.

Excellent article!

Ironically we just had an episode here at DD's last night with my 11 yr.old DGD.. She has a report that is "technically" due tomorrow - but she won't actually have to "do" her presentation until Friday.. (DGD is currently on the Principal's List - with about a 99.4 average.. Common for her elementary years, but better than expected since this is her first year in middle school..)

Anyhow - she had a half-day of school yesterday and in the course of a conversation with my DD, it came out that her power point presentation "wasn't quite done yet".. She "could" have done it at home yesterday afternoon, but somehow lost the resource code for the school server (which is how the power point presentation has to be done).. DD gave my DGD "the lecture" of course - about leaving things until the last minute - and then wanted to call the school to see if she could (A) Get the resource code - or (B) Take DGD over to the school and stay there in the library with her until she finished it.. DD asked me what to do and my reply was, "She's known about this since Thanksgiving vacation.. She can stay after school tomorrow to finish it and if she gets a lower grade than she normally would, maybe that will make a more lasting impression than you coming to her rescue.." At first she looked at me like I was nuts - then thought about how proud DGD is when she brings her report cards home - and decided to go with my "natural consequences" solution..

DGD stayed after school today and finished what she needed to do (rather than having her friend come home on the regular bus with her and playing until dinner time).. We won't know until Friday what her grade will be, but I'm pretty sure this will make a bigger impression on her than "mom" rushing to the rescue - if the grade isn't as high as DGD expected it to be..

I was always a big believer of "natural consequences" when I was raising my kids because if kids aren't allowed to make mistakes, be somewhat independent, make decisions on their own, and yes - even "fail" occasionally - they're going to be in one heck of a jam when they get out there in the "real world" where " excuses" don't cut it and "mom and dad" are unable to "rescue" them..

It's a fine line, but parents can draw the line between "overparenting" and "underparenting" - just takes common sense and the ability to always remain consistent when dealing with kids..

I love your story. I am so for children facing the natural consequences in life. Didn't study, oh well, you fail that test. Didn't finish a report, hope the teacher will let you make it up. Nope, I am not bailing you out. My mom even told us as children, if we ever got arrested, don't call, I won't bail you out! Out of the 4 of us, 1 got arrested, and no, she didn't bail him out. He had a rough teen-early 20's go, but he is on track with his life now, and I really think it is because my mom didn't rescue him!

It's an easy pattern to fall into, especially when you have a teen who's mature, polite, and respectful. You can be friendly with such a child, but you have to -- at any moment -- be ready to step back into your position of authority.

Here's something stupid that I did just today -- it's not quite the same thing you're describing, but it's kind of similar:

We had a box of cookies on the counter and my daughter took one out, leaving the package open on the counter (which was fine -- we were all just home from school and other people were going to munch). I said to her, "Do you want to put the rest of those into the cookie jar?" Her answer: "No." And she walked away.

Stupid way for me to phrase it. I MEANT, "Hey, kid, do something around the house. Put those cookies into the cookie jar." But I didn't say that. I phrased it as a choice, even though I didn't intend it to BE a choice.

If we do this kind of thing on a regular basis -- and I think it's especially easy for women to do this -- we give kids the idea that following directions is an option.

Always give 2 choices, both ones you can live with. Are you going to put those cookies in the cookie jar, or back in the pantry?

A great book for adults is Parenting with Love and Logic. Great book to live by. Even works on husbands! Teaches you how to parent without hovering and without being a drill sergaent. Natural consequences and choices.

My favorite choice when I was teaching happened in the winter. Kids hated to wear their coats, but as a mommy I understood why parents sent their kids in with coats...to wear! So my choice for the students were, Feel free to wear your coat or carry your coat... 99% of the time they would wear them.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

Free Range parent here.

I have a great free range story. Little back ground first, DS8 is obsessed with the color red, everything has to be red. Fine I'll get you a red coat and bag but that's about as far as I go. Well the aide in Pre-K had a son who was the same way so she made sure DS had a red folder, sat in the only red chair, the other kids in the class even knew to just hand him the red crayons when they were handed out.

Fast forward to DS8's first day of kindergarten. We all get on the bus to take our first "big kid" ride. The teacher's all cheerful and bubbly, the parents are weepy. The bus driver gives us the speech of "now I know it will be hard for you to put your little ones on the bus tomorrow and there will be tears from both the kids and the parents, but please don't follow us to school". I of course give a little snort and chuckle, hell it was the first time in 9 years I got to have breakfast alone. I danced a jig the first time he got on the bus. Anyway, so we get off the bus at school and DS starts pitching a royal fit because he got a green folder.
To which I bend down and said " suck it up life isn't fair and the sooner you learn that the better off you'll be". The gasps of horror from the other parents was deafening.

But my kid, well all my kids, are the most well balanced kids in the building. They don't get what they want, tough tookies, maybe next time. You get bad grades, oh well, try harder. But in the mean time I take away the Wii, the friends, and the parties. I'm the meanest mom in the world because DS13 is grounded from parties, sleep overs, and all electronics because he came home with a D and 2 C's on his report card. He's not calling me a mean mom, his friends parents are.
I also won't coddle the other kids in his class which is why I'm the one asked by the teachers to volunteer at school and go on field trips. The kids know I will show them no quarter, I treat them the same way I treat my kids. Only one has ever called me a Witch with a capital B, but whatever, I can take it. DS13 called him out in front of all the other kids in the class and they were all mad and he got an ear full. Now he is civil to me and I engage him in conversation when I see him at school.

The problem kids lack today is coping skills. that's what I don't like about helicopter parents, they prevent their kids from making mistakes and learning from them. Learn to adapt to change, learn that you have to earn what you get, and if you don't get it the world won't end.

Dh sees it all the time, he has parents calling to ask why their 20 something year old kid didn't get the job. Well if he had come in to interview and not his mommy then maybe he would have gotten the job.

 

[Ember]

Oh the stories I could tell! What's interesting is that I see them in elementary school and my husband sees them in university. I can tell in grade one which parents are going to be nightmares all the way to university! And while I agree that over-parenting is better than no parenting, the helicopter parents aren't doing their kids any favors. Raising a child who is unable to survive in the world without mummy around is NOT good parenting.

I had a helicopter parent last year that always left my mouth hanging open after dealing with her. She tried to tell me we shouldn't play games in class because then someone would have to loose, and that's back for their self esteem. Now, the first time we played Letter Bingo there were indeed tears from a few kids. Then I said, "if it happens again we aren't playing any more, everyone will win eventually and no one is going to win all the time." Next time, no tears. I also made them take responsibility for listening to the announcements. On a birthday, they could go to the office for a prize and there was a daily draw. If they weren't listening and missed their name, too bad. When they came to me later and tried to tell me they missed going to the office, I'd shrug and say, "You should have been listening." So even in kindergarten, they were learning to take responsibility.

Teaching personal responsibility doesn't have to be scary, but it does mean letting kids miss out or fail in small ways when they're young.

My husband refuses to speak to parents at the university level due to privacy laws. They call and he will tell them that by law he can't even confirm their child is a student at the university, let alone in his class. I agree with the poster who said that by high school and university, the child should be dealing with problems that arise.

Edit: BernardandMissBianca, if there was a standing ovation emoticon, I would be using it for you!

 

[Deb in IA]

I read the print version of this a week ago, and agree with it. Nancy Gibbs is a thoughtful, articulate writer, and she did a good job tackling a touchy subject.

As a developmental pediatrician, I have always recommended letting children explore their own independence and personalities at the appropriate times. Research shows that children need to progress through the normal developmental stages to achieve independent adulthood. I've also always felt that children NEED to learn to deal with disappointment and failure. To shield them from all heartaches in life is NOT doing children any favors. Being able to handle these issues actually helps build self-esteem and self-confidence, not the other way around.

When the entire notion of "attachment parenting" came about, I wondered if this is where we were headed . . .

 

[Arielle22]

I love your story. I am so for children facing the natural consequences in life. Didn't study, oh well, you fail that test. Didn't finish a report, hope the teacher will let you make it up. Nope, I am not bailing you out. My mom even told us as children, if we ever got arrested, don't call, I won't bail you out! Out of the 4 of us, 1 got arrested, and no, she didn't bail him out. He had a rough teen-early 20's go, but he is on track with his life now, and I really think it is because my mom didn't rescue him!

I tell my 2 DDs (high school freshman and sophomore) that if they get arrested they can stay in jail overnight. Then I will send my BIL (a cop from another town) to get them. Then when they get home the punishment will begin. My 16 yr old says that jail would be preferable to facing me and their father.

Re: being friends with your children, I tell my DDs that I will never be their friend but will always be a loving mother. Friends hear all the little secrets and life events that as a mom I would prefer not to know.

 

[allison443]

Fast forward to DS8's first day of kindergarten. We all get on the bus to take our first "big kid" ride. The teacher's all cheerful and bubbly, the parents are weepy. The bus driver gives us the speech of "now I know it will be hard for you to put your little ones on the bus tomorrow and there will be tears from both the kids and the parents, but please don't follow us to school". I of course give a little snort and chuckle, hell it was the first time in 9 years I got to have breakfast alone. I danced a jig the first time he got on the bus. Anyway, so we get off the bus at school and DS starts pitching a royal fit because he got a green folder.
To which I bend down and said " suck it up life isn't fair and the sooner you learn that the better off you'll be". The gasps of horror from the other parents was deafening.

Wow, are you saying the parents actually ride WITH the kids on the school bus on the first day of kindergarten? I have never heard of any place that does that! That to me is over the top, kwim? What did you think of that, as a self-proclaimed free range parent? Our kids ride school buses and the first day of kindergarten, they get on the bus WITHOUT parents.

Also, you were there when he got his folder? Did you go into the classroom with him? Our school doesn't do that either in kindergarten..

 

[Laura]

Re: being friends with your children, I tell my DDs that I will never be their friend but will always be a loving mother. Friends hear all the little secrets and life events that as a mom I would prefer not to know.

I think being like a friend to your kids is appropriate when they're adults and out of the home. You're still the parent at that point, yes, but you're not disciplining them, supporting them, etc.

 

[NMAmy]

Re: being friends with your children, I tell my DDs that I will never be their friend but will always be a loving mother. Friends hear all the little secrets and life events that as a mom I would prefer not to know.

Maybe this varies by family. My mom is 76 and I'm 46 and we're friends. She and my sisters and I pretty much talk about everything. I can't think of anything she'd prefer not to know--she's pretty nosy. My sister and my 32 yo niece are the same way. I'm hopeful that dd and I will have a similar relationship now that she's an adult.

 

[Acklander]

When the entire notion of "attachment parenting" came about, I wondered if this is where we were headed . . .

I'll have to disagree with you on this one. I've been a big supporter of attachment parenting. I nursed, wore my babies, co-slept, and didn't believe in "crying it out" for an infant that didn't have any other way to communicate.
But, as children grow older, I felt it was my job to nurture their independence and support them as they find their own way in the world. By the time my kids are in Jr. High, they are responsible for making sure their homework is done (without reminders from me) set their own bedtime, and are responsible for making sure they get themselves up on time. They Are in the family rotation for preparing dinner, doing their own laundry, and "fighting their own battles". By high school, additional responsibilities include working a job, being in charge of their own healthcare and finances, and working towards what THEY want in their future (not what I want for them). Unless it's a safety issue, I've let them make their own choices and own mistakes.
Attachment parenting has nothing to do with helicopter parenting.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

Edit: BernardandMissBianca, if there was a standing ovation emoticon, I would be using it for you!

LOL thanks!

Wow, are you saying the parents actually ride WITH the kids on the school bus on the first day of kindergarten? I have never heard of any place that does that! That to me is over the top, kwim? What did you think of that, as a self-proclaimed free range parent? Our kids ride school buses and the first day of kindergarten, they get on the bus WITHOUT parents.

Also, you were there when he got his folder? Did you go into the classroom with him? Our school doesn't do that either in kindergarten..

On the first day of school we have kindergarten orientation (also a 1/2 day). The morning kids drive in with the parents at 8:15 and learn the classroom routine, get their folders, say the pledge and so on, all with the parents. At 10 the afternoon kids come in and we all ride the bus together just down to the park and back. then the afternoon kids have orientation and the morning kids go home with their parents. The second day of school they ride the bus alone with the other students (K-8th).
I don't mind it. It's more so the parents get all the snowflaky stuff out of the way because day 2, the teacher doesn't let the parents in the room, all drive-in kids get dropped off at the cafeteria and no parents are allowed in that door, they have to go through the office, sign in, get a badge etc... The bussed kids get dropped off at the 4th grade wing and have the aide pick them up and walk them down to their classroom for the first 1/2 of the year. After Xmas break they walk the whole way alone. (the building is Y shaped and they walk to the end of the right fork.

Yes we got the folders at orientation but I stuffed it in his bag while they were doing morning meeting so he didn't see it until he got off the bus.

We have an unusual school, only 230 kids - Pre- K 3 year old to 8th grade. I practically live there as a volunteer but my kids know that the teacher is the boss even when I'm in the room. Heck, they'd rather have the teacher come down on them then me. LOL

 

[Sorsha]

Anyway, so we get off the bus at school and DS starts pitching a royal fit because he got a green folder.
To which I bend down and said " suck it up life isn't fair and the sooner you learn that the better off you'll be". The gasps of horror from the other parents was deafening.

With my kids, I always use a line from "The Princess Bride".
Life isn't fair, highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. Apparently I say it a lot, since they now say it to eachother as well.

One day, "Princess Bride" was on TV, so I had it on in the background while I was doing chores. The kiddos were watching it, DD15 had seen it many time, but DD9 and DD6 hadn't seen it before. (not sure how, since I watch it all the time, its one of my favs... sooo many good quotable lines). Anyway, that line was said, and both of them looked at me and DD9 said "HEY! So THAT is where you got that from!"

 

[Microcell]

It is so funny because I am both! I won't let the kids walk around the block alone, but when they scrape their knee I do not coddle!

There is a fine line and I think everyone has a different idea what that is! If only we could all be perfect!

 

[starstruck93]

Very interesting.

I have seen the effects of helicopter parenting on the quality of private schools here. Because parents are more involved and are convinced their kids are never wrong, it is becoming harder for teachers or administrators to adequately control certain students.

Also as a new mother 2-3 years ago I found the ultra-competitive nature of these type of parents very stressful. I had friends that I stopped talking to because everytime we spoke all they wanted to do was compare kids. For example, "Johnny has 34 words, how many does Gabe have?", "Jen is already walking at 5 months - I am so proud, what Gabe isn't even rolling over yet?", "Little Tony is sure to cure cancer by 12 with his amazing 9 month old vocabulary". Yes, those are extreme examples but that's how it felt. I just couldn't take it. I just wanted my DS to develop at his own pace and not be constantly worrying about how that pace compared to others. I became a much happier parent when I stopped exposing myself to the competitive parenting games.

YES!!! ITA.... I have a friend who was the exact same way. Our sons are 1 month apart in age and she ALWAYS compared them! It drives me nuts... when she got tired of comparing our sons she started be competitive with me and that's when I ended the friendship; it just got to be too much. She questioned everything I did from the way I dressed DS, the bike I bought for him to the way I worked out at the gym! Drove me over the edge! I still call her "toxic".

 

[golfgal]

Your wife has my sympathies.

What I truly don't get it, these parents weren't raised this way. Their/our parents didn't hover. Like a previous poster, if you weren't bleeding or broken, maybe mom kissed your boo-boo - but then you were sent back out to play. If you failed a test or got an F on a paper/project, our parents wanted to know what WE did wrong, not what the teacher did.

And look how we turned out. We're mature, intelligent, opinionated, well-adjusted and successful (well, the rest of you are; I'm lazy ).

So if being raised the way we were resulted in these attributes, why are so many of "us" - them, really, because most DISers handle things better - so involved in every single aspect of the kids' lives? Why don't kids just go outside and play?

They may not have been raised that way but a lot of these parents became of age in the 90's-the total me generation where bigger is better-I have a bigger house so I am better than you, my car is bigger so I am better than you attitudes. They saw sports figures making HUGE salaries and in order to have the biggest and best they need to figure out a way to get there-unfortunately often it is through their kids--my kid got the best score on his test, my kid is going to the "best" college (how many times do we see that here--my kid has to take the SAT 20 times so they can get into the "best" college). Hopefully what we have seen in the past year with the economy filters down to the helicopters and you know, biggest isn't always the best and it is ok if you are not perfect-maybe, hopefully???

 

[iwrbnd]

I admit that I started my parenting as a helicopter mom and had my kids in way too many activities. I thought I was helping them. I shudder at all the driving I did to take preschoolers to soccer/tball or basketball practice!!! I packed my oldest sons backpack, laid out his clothes and did way too much for him. Now he's in high school and struggles w/being self-sufficient!!! I learned the hard way but have changed. A couple of years ago I stopped the insanity and began to parent "like the 1950's", as I put it. My kids only do one activity and they are completely responsible for their own things. Even my 7 year old knows the phrase "personal responsibility". We have more time as a family, more time for playing and more money in our checkbook! We are all much happier!!!

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

I admit that I started my parenting as a helicopter mom and had my kids in way too many activities. I thought I was helping them. I shudder at all the driving I did to take preschoolers to soccer/tball or basketball practice!!! I packed my oldest sons backpack, laid out his clothes and did way too much for him. Now he's in high school and struggles w/being self-sufficient!!! I learned the hard way but have changed. A couple of years ago I stopped the insanity and began to parent "like the 1950's", as I put it. My kids only do one activity and they are completely responsible for their own things. Even my 7 year old knows the phrase "personal responsibility". We have more time as a family, more time for playing and more money in our checkbook! We are all much happier!!!

That makes much more sense. I think a lot of kids are getting the "information overload" or "sensory overload" that so many activities are being pushed at them that they cannot really focus on one.

 

[lovesmurfs]

That makes much more sense. I think a lot of kids are getting the "information overload" or "sensory overload" that so many activities are being pushed at them that they cannot really focus on one.

Wazzup? This is an older thread....?

 

[cheermom1]

I haven;t read all the replies but I was a child of the helicopter parenting!!! UGH is all I can say! Really though I was a very independent child and my parents will tell you that and they complained all the time I wouldn't let them do anything for me! I remember one time we went to a theme park and we weren't allowed to go on the kids jungle gym except for the slide and we had to slide in moms arms, I WAS 12!!!!!

When I had kids I vowed to NEVER do that to them b/c I seen it first hand from my younger bro and sis and I have to tell you mom and dad still hover over them! My sis finally told me one day that she is tired of it and she is married with a kid! I told her what I did, which is that I moved too far for them to visit that often and didn't call and waited for them to call me. It worked as they no longer hover over me as much.

My kids are very independent as they should. Our job as parents is to teach them life skills to make it on their own. Not to do everything for them. I remember my dd wanted me to call a place for her to get a job, I told her NO, she had to do it herself as I'm not always going to be there for her. Plus I told her that is something she needs to do if she wants the job since I'm not the one applying.

I also know from my step sons that their mom is always hovering over them to the point that she brushes their teeth for them and they have NO clue how to do it themselves as the dentist finally told her to stop and they are old enough to do it themselves! now they are asking me to teach them how to do basic things like using the toaster, micowave, and other things. so sad, I asked why they didn't ask their mom, they said she refuses to teach them as she wants them to be dependent on her for as long as possible. My point is that kids really truly want us to let them be as independent as possible and ask us to let them. they NEED it to learn how to take care of themselves and their own families when they have one.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

that was totally my parents. well, more so my mom, my dad had not too much say in my childhood(surprisingly, you usually hear it being the other way around, right?).

i wasn't allowed to go off the porch by myself until i was 12. we lived on a fairly busy street, but by 12 i knew better not to go running out in the middle of the street, i would always stay on the sidewalks.

the also wouldn't allow me to ride my bike around the corner until i was 13....and that was tough to get out of, but my argument of "I'LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE IN 3 YEARS!" finally did it.

my mom didn't even WANT me driving when i was 16, my father and my sister had to talk her into it.

i had a friend who lived on the next block, and from our kitchen window you could see her front door. so my mother would let me leave, then she'd run to the kitchen window and watch me walk into the house. and if i didn't call within 5 minutes of getting there, she would call my friend's parents and they'd hand me the phone and i'd hear "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME!?"

i was rarely allowed to even go out to friend's houses or even around the neighborhood, it was awful. i felt like i was stuck inside a prison.

even when i was still living there when i was 21, my mother would constantly give me a hard time if i wanted to have a beer or a glass of wine. it was always "ohh...you're drinking, i see?" then she'd give me that look...you all know the look lol.

i finally moved out when i was 23(when i saved enough money) and bought my own house and i LOVED it. i was able to do what i wanted, when i wanted. i didn't have someone asking me "where are you going?? well what store?? what are you buying at the store?? how long are you going to be at the store?? what time do you think you'll be home from the store??"

it almost scares me away from having kids, myself. i don't want to turn into that.

 

[Ember]

Hey, I remember this thread from the first time it was posted.