Having kids at 40.....question

[CozumelDisneyFan]

We were lucky enough to get pregnant at 40, my son just turned 5 last week.

He is the joy in my life!

As an older Mom, he keeps me on my toes. But I find that, opposed to the younger Mommies, I am the one who is more active.

I am the Mom who is in the pool getting trounced on, while the YMs are sitting by the pool chatting. I am the one with the play dates at my house after school. We have dogs and turtles and iguanas - AND I LOVE IT ALL!

With age, I find, I am also the strict Mom. At 5, he asks to be excused from the table and brings his dishes to the sink. A lot of my friends, the YMs are trying too hard to be friends with their kids.

If you are blessed with another one - Go FOR IT!

 

[Sadie22]

It would not be a bad idea to talk to an OB/GYN and go over your fears.

 

[Debbie7452]

There's another bonus to having children late.You don't have ti9me to worry or fret about aging. I still feel young because, heck my kid is just starting kindergarten!

 

[dimimi]

My DH and I were married at 32. Had our first at 34 and second at 38. For some reason it seemed like all of my friends were married after 30. We all had kids at the same time. Now...I have to admit sometimes I am the oldest mom around. But typically, I am within 5-10 years of everyone. I feel that someone within 5-10 years of my ages (either way) is about my age. As you get older a few years doesn't matter.

On the other hand,(and I am just trying to give both sides to how I feel) I think you need to decide why you want another child. Your risks are higher for chromosomal issues. It is also more difficult to become pregnant in your late 30's/early 40's. The child will be like an only child because your youngest is now 9. But if you really want another child, I think most kids are born just fine and will be a true joy! I know ours our!

Good luck!

 

[Robinrs]

My mom had my sisters at 41 and 42.5. She had no problems and had alot of energy.

Of course the down side is that you will be 58-60 when she/he graduates from high school, so when others are starting to settle down (does that really happen anymore?) you will still be child-rearing. Alot of folks become grandparents at that age too...Just a thought!

I'll be 55 when my son graduates high school and most of my friends and both of my sisters are grandparents. Doesn't bother me at all. Actually I feel younger because my son keeps me young! There's nothing like having a bunch of teenagers around to remind you of what's happening in the world and how they see it! It's wonderful!

 

[zalansky]

Do what you feel is right for YOU.

My grandparents were all dead when I was born and I grew up perfectly adjusted. Grandparents are very special but are not required for a fulfilling life, as previously mentioned.

My mom passed away when i was 29, before I got married and had any kids. I wished she could have been there for those moments more than anything, but it NEVER crossed my mind that "GEE - I wish I was never born." I guess I am not relating to the earlier comments. For the record, my Dad passed when I was 37 and again I miss him dearly but it has not made me wish I were never born.

There are no guarantees in life. Do what makes you happy and definitely don't take advice from a bunch of strangers on an internet message board.

 

[dakcp2001]

My parents had me when they were young, 20 & 21 and the majority of my grandparents were gone by then. There are no guarantees in life at any age, so I say if you are healthy enough then go for it.

The biggest regrets in life for me tend to be the things I didn't do, but always wished I had, or wondered what if.

 

[scootch]

My husband was a first time dad at 47, second time dad 5 days before he was 50. I was 35 and 38 at the time. I wouldn't change it for the world! We feel we had our time for us, and devote our time with out kids who are growing way too fast. The school we go to has many parents our age, it is great.

 

[frijolefrito]

Are you just in a miserable mood today or are you always this pleasant? Yes I have seen your responses on other threads today.

Carry on.

I'm just being honest. Maybe I should work on tact.

Here how is this:

Due to some things growing back "surprise" my parents had my little sister in their 40's. My little sister has seriously cried because her kids will probably never know their grandparents. The reason why is because she hasn't found a husband and even if she did she's still doing school. She hopes by 30 she'll have a kid. That puts my parents in their 70's just for the birth of the child. She's really bothered about them not being around ect.

 

[mefordis]

My thinking is that you could pass away at any point in your life. Could be in your 20's, your 30's, or you could be lucky and live until your 80's or 90's!

Age would not and has not stopped me and Dh from having children.

Our first was born when I was 19 & Dh 21. We have been having kids every few years for the past 19 We lost a son because of an umbilical cord accident when I was 35 (though age was not a factor). At 37, I gave birth to our youngest, twin girls. That was, by far, the easiest of all of my pregnancies, and my Ob said neither baby had a cord around her neck. (a constant fear during the pregnancy)

Don't let the fear of "what if" stop you

Very true. Anyone can pass away at anytime. My sister was 13 when she passed away.

Live your life happily and don't waste it worrying that you might die before x time. I'm sure any child you bring into the world will be grateful that you did.

 

[mefordis]

I'll be 55 when my son graduates high school and most of my friends and both of my sisters are grandparents. Doesn't bother me at all. Actually I feel younger because my son keeps me young! There's nothing like having a bunch of teenagers around to remind you of what's happening in the world and how they see it! It's wonderful!

 

[scootch]

Our children are grandparentless. Yes, it is a bit more difficult not having someone to help you at times with the kids... but aunts and uncles have otherwise taken on a grandparent type role. They come to grandparent lunches, dance recitals, ect.... No reason to not have kids older IMO.

 

[mefordis]

Our children are grandparentless. Yes, it is a bit more difficult not having someone to help you at times with the kids... but aunts and uncles have otherwise taken on a grandparent type role. They come to grandparent lunches, dance recitals, ect.... No reason to not have kids older IMO.

I'd like to add that my children have both sets of grandparents alive. One set lives 45 minutes away, the other 10 hours away. We receive NO help from either set. Almost never do they babysit. They have their own lives. They are jetsetters and live a leisurely lifestyle and do not want to be babysitters. My parents live near my siblings and their other grandchildren and they help out very seldom.

One thing I've learned about grandparents: do NOT count on them for help. Once they "raise their own" they want to visit with their grandchildren but send them off home when the day is done.

 

[Mickey Fliers]

I hate to be the lone Debbie Downer of the group, but, here goes. My Mom was 40 when I was born, my dad was 36. Dad died when I was 26, one month shy of my wedding. That's the reality people don't think about when they say live for now and don't think about the what-ifs. What if he could have walked me down the aisle? What if he had been able to meet his grandson? What if he was still around to help care for my now legally blind mother?

I'm forty. I can't have any more children. But, even if it was possible I just wouldn't take the risk...the risk that I wouldn't be around when they needed me.

Well, I was born when my Mom and Dad were 17 and 19. I had lost both parents by the time I was 35. There certainly is no rhyme or reason to any of it. My Dad never met any of my kids (I was 21 when he died). My Mom never met my DD. My DH lost his dad to a brain tumor when his dad was 50. He never met two of our kids. My children, who had 4 YOUNG grandparents, only have one living Grandparent.

It sucks to think about, but we never know when our time is up. Live for now.

OP, I have kind of run the gamut. My oldest was born when I was 24. Had my 3rd at 30 and said, "I'm Done". Then, at 35 had my DD. Our family now feels "complete" and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[JoiseyMom]

If you want another child, go for it! My mom had me at 36, there were no issues. I have 4 kids, ages 27, 26, 15 and 10. Our 10 year old was born 1 month before I turned 40. I wish I had the patience I had when I was younger...but its not a big deal.

Anything can happen to you at any age. You can get hit by a car, you can get cancer...you can live to a ripe old age. You can only control so much. It's not like you are 50 or 60 and want to be a parent! Go for it if it is what you guys want!

 

[powellrj]

I'm just being honest. Maybe I should work on tact.

Here how is this:

Due to some things growing back "surprise" my parents had my little sister in their 40's. My little sister has seriously cried because her kids will probably never know their grandparents. The reason why is because she hasn't found a husband and even if she did she's still doing school. She hopes by 30 she'll have a kid. That puts my parents in their 70's just for the birth of the child. She's really bothered about them not being around ect.

This is my mother. She has actually cried because she doesnt' think she will be around when my DD graduates or gets married. Of course she is only 74, in fine health and my DD is going to be a sophomore in HS. She has already seen my oldest DS get married, and my 2 DSs graduate from HS. I see no reason why she won't be around to see DD graduate from HS and the 2 boys graduate from college. She still cries and carries on about it.

I'd like to add that my children have both sets of grandparents alive. One set lives 45 minutes away, the other 10 hours away. We receive NO help from either set. Almost never do they babysit. They have their own lives. They are jetsetters and live a leisurely lifestyle and do not want to be babysitters. My parents live near my siblings and their other grandchildren and they help out very seldom.

One thing I've learned about grandparents: do NOT count on them for help. Once they "raise their own" they want to visit with their grandchildren but send them off home when the day is done.

My DH was pretty much raised by his grandparents. We figured that because his parents missed out on most of their lives, they would be thrilled when they were grandparents. No we found out his grandparents raised them because his parents didn't like kids!!! They went so far to tell us after our 2nd DS was born, they would really appreciate it if we didn't have anymore. They didn't want to have to buy any more gifts or attend anymore parties!!

 

[Mkrop]

I hate to be the lone Debbie Downer of the group, but, here goes. My Mom was 40 when I was born, my dad was 36. Dad died when I was 26, one month shy of my wedding. That's the reality people don't think about when they say live for now and don't think about the what-ifs. What if he could have walked me down the aisle? What if he had been able to meet his grandson? What if he was still around to help care for my now legally blind mother?

I'm forty. I can't have any more children. But, even if it was possible I just wouldn't take the risk...the risk that I wouldn't be around when they needed me.

I miss my dad everyday, and think often how much he would love my boys...and when things are hard with my mom, I wish he was around.

He died when I was 22, he did not get to walk me down the aisle either, it was rough...but he had me at 29, he died when he was 51...the ones I felt bad for were my brothers 12 and 8...but ya know what I am still glad my parents had them bc they are terrific guys and great uncles!

You just never know what life will throw at you

Yes, and for my dad his "time" was 62 years of age. My MIL is 63 and her friends are dropping like flies. Not everyone makes it to their eighties, that's a reality. More than likely, we will live until our 70's, if we die a natural death. So, if I have another baby at 40, and that baby has a baby at 40.... I'll be nowhere around to see it. Kids need grandparents.

Kids dont need grandparents but they are great if they are great grandparents. I had 3 growing up, 2 were great, one was a complete witch, my brothers technically had none bc by the time they born my one grandmother had dementia, grandpa was old and tired, and the witchy grandma had passed. My brothers were fine. They had plenty of other family around.

My boys have 3 GPs and they are all great so we are fortunate and yes like I said before I wish my dad was here to see his grandsons but I know he is watching them from heaven.




Also in my sons' classes we have the 7th grader, who is in a class full of youngest in the family. All the parents are older bc this is their last child. We are the young parents. In my 2nd graders class, we are the old parents bc many are the oldest in the family and mom and dad are younger.

 

[mefordis]

My DH was pretty much raised by his grandparents. We figured that because his parents missed out on most of their lives, they would be thrilled when they were grandparents. No we found out his grandparents raised them because his parents didn't like kids!!! They went so far to tell us after our 2nd DS was born, they would really appreciate it if we didn't have anymore. They didn't want to have to buy any more gifts or attend anymore parties!!

I think this is common. Many older people, let's face it, are tired. Unless you are the unusual person who keeps in top shape and exercises regularly and takes care of their health by eating right. Then that person may have the energy for a grandchild. However, there is more to it than that. It seems once a person has raised their children, they want their free time. ALL of the time. They don't like to be inconvenienced in the slightest. They have no patience for that any longer. I'm not knocking grandparents who feel this way. I am just making an observation.

So, please, parents to be, do not expect a regular babysitter from the grandparents. They may come through but don't expect it!!!

 

[bethy]

But, if they had not had a kid that late in their life there would be no you!

This is my view, also. Yes there are risks having a child later in life. But is avoiding those risks truly worth not having that child at ALL? For those who lost their parents in their 20's would they honestly say that their life has not been worth living in the first place for that reason?

I just had my third daughter 3 weeks ago at age 38. She is 6 years younger than my second daughter. I had many of the same concerns. But as long as a parent has reasonable expectations that they can support and love a child AND most likely raise that child to adulthood then IMO that child IS worth having and their life and existence has profound meaning and value even if their life circumstances aren't "perfect". No one's life is perfect or pain-free.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I don't have any useful advice, I just wanted to wish you luck in whatever you decide. You are lucky to have two beautiful boys already. I think your fears are very real (I have them myself and I had m child at 33 and still worry about my mortality). But the future is unknown, you could live in good health until 90!