Having a 2nd child (Advice from parents requested)

[NY Disney fan]

This thread is inspired by the "only child" thread.

I recently had a daughter (my 1st). I'm seriously considering having a 2nd child rather soon (before I turn 35...just turned 34 last week). My daughter is an absolute delight but is a handful. I hated being pregnant, hated being on maternity leave (because of the sleep deprivation and the boredom), now I'm dealing with teething and I'm trying to embrace all of it as learning experiences. I am absolutely exhausted. (I work 8-5 plus get up 4:30am to get her to the sitter).

I feel compelled to have a second child for a multitude of reasons. My brain tells me not to do it but my heart tells me that I will regret it if I don't do it now. I rather get it over with sooner rather than later and I know having a 2nd now will be a wonderful thing.

My question is: how do you cope with the sleep deprivation, the colic, the running to the doctor when you least expect it? Does it get easier with the second? Does it become "old hat" after a while?

Or, if I'm tired now will I be even MORE tired later?

 

[meeskamouska]

If you are under what sounds like alot of stress now I would wait. Rushign something like this could lead to more than you can handle. These types of pressure can become unmanagable resulting in lots of negative outcomes. If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Really examine why you feel this need...to provide a sibling, age, obligation??? It only becomes more busy adn more hectic with more crying and feeding!!!

 

[surfgirl]

I have a friend who asked her doctor, 'what is the absolute best thing I can do for my child?'

He replied, "honestly? Have another child and give them a sibling."

As a parent of three, I truly believe that. The good news is that it does get easier. While we all tend to obsess over our first, we learn to relax more with additional children. After a while, they raise themselves Seriously, my third (and my three are less than 4 years apart) is the easiest-going, happy little guy. Sure he has his moments, but he is just a neat little person.

The adjustment is hard at first - because you are used to obsessing (sp?) over your child. When you have to divide your time between two, it will be really hard. But the sooner you do it, the easier it is-- they always remember being 'part of a family' rather than 'a bro/sis came along and ruined my good thing'.

go for it!

 

[Momof-3]

I know for me...having my second child was much easier than my first. My kids are 20 months apart. They are so close now.....and great friends. I am sooooo happy. It was a little tough to have another baby while my son was so little. But it doesn't last forever. It does get easier....and fun.

My pregnancy was easier, physically having my daughter was easier, parenting was easier the second time around because I wasn't so nervous about every little thing like I was when I had my son. I have 3 kids now!!!!

Good luck in your decision.

 

[wdwfamilyinIL]

As a mother of three, I don't think that it becomes easier. Yes you do become a bit more relaxed, and I really learned how to improvise, but nothing got easier. Every job I did with just one got doubled, and for me mornings are a very timid time. My first child was the easiest baby one could ever have, my middle one didn't come close to sleeping through the night until he was almost a year old, and my third...well, lets just say he is rotten to the core. I love him to death and would do anything for him, but if he would have been my first...there wouldn't have been another.
I wouldn't have another the child in the hopes that it would make me a more relaxed parent either, if you are really that stressed now, I don't think another child is going to help. While I do agree that kids need siblings, the one poster hit the nail on the head....If momma ain't happy, no one is happy. Take some deep breaths, enjoy your baby for a few months and see what happens, but don't rush into anything.

 

[my2princessgirls]

We had trouble getting pregnant, and it took almost 5 years to have our first daughter. We knew that we wanted another, and because my DH is in the Air Force we had to do it quick before we moved and lost the oppurtunity to see the Fertility Specialist that was available to us (there are only a few in the military).

We got pregnant with DD2 on our first daughter's first birthday. DD1 was a very difficult baby, and it was lots of stress and work and sleepless nights. DD2 was a bit easier, but we were still sleep deprived and there are still all of the things that come along with having a baby. Plus, there was a toddler who never wanted to be out of our sight!! It was hard. It was also the best thing that we ever did!!

Our 2 girls are now best friends at 4 and 2 1/2. They play together, watch out for each other and have someone that they each will be able to count on for life.

The 2nd was easier in many ways (old hat as you put it!). When we first had DD2, DH's comander told us that your first child is like china and the next is more like tupperware!! We thought that he was nuts, but it is true, and we say it often.

We love having our 2 girls (& having them so close together)even though in many ways it would be "easier" to have just one(or have them farther apart), but I can't imaginge things any other way than what they are now.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[laceemouse]

I had 4 kids in 6 years, my oldest two are the closest in age (22 months apart.) I can't imagine only having one, I really wanted more but dh disagreed. Anyway, my situation is very different from yours in that I had pretty easy pregnancies and I have been blessed to NOT have to work outside of the home since I had the first. I think the getting up at 4:30 a.m. thing would drive me to suicide. So basically you pick the baby up after work, go home, eat and feed her, bathe her, put her to bed and pass out early, get up before dawn and do it all over again?? Sounds awful!!! While some things DO get easier with the second child, all of the work involved just multiples........What does your dh think??? Does he help a lot??? That would be the big deciding factor to me.

 

[TravelingJen24]

As a mother of two, who always thought we wanted only one, I say to definitely have a second if you want one, but wait for the right time. Our son and daughter are 26 months apart and the age difference is good, but can be rough at times. We decided to have our daughter after we nearly lost our son from a seizure. I know we would have never been the same family without her, but life is truly more taxing now. Today was actually her first birthday. It seems to get easier as they get a little older, except that if you think your time is short with one, wait until you have two. It is very much a personal choice, but I would say if you don't feel like you will be complete without a second then you should have one. Also, pregnancy with a toddler running around can be tough, so be prepared.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

It sounds like you really want a 2nd child, but maybe you're not ready to get started just yet. My 2 boys were born 3 years apart. We planned to have only 2 kids, so we didn't feel the need to start on the 2nd one right away. The first one was getting out of diapers and starting preschool when the 2nd one was born. I couldn't imagine having 2 babies at the same time. The boys are still close enough in age that they enjoy playing together (and fighting like normal siblings!). Right now they're playing a racing game together on the Playstation.

Don't worry too much about having the 2nd one before you turn 35. Yes, they say it's more risky to have babies after 35. But if you're healthy, don't smoke, etc. 35 is not a magic number. Talk to your doctor about having a baby after 35 and get the straight story. Above all, don't stress too much!

 

[dfarner]

How old is your DD? By what you have posted, it seems to me like you have a lot on your plate already, I think I would wait. Ask yourself-do I get enough quality time w/ my daughter? With my husband? Is there a lot of stress in the house (sleeplessness, being rushed...)? Having another child is a wonderful thing, but too soon may lead to feelings of "What did I do, why did I do this so soon?".

 

[gianna2006]

I give a lot of credit to people who have babies very close to one anther. My two children and 3 years and 3 months apart and I am sooooo happy that I placed a little distance between them. I know (for me at least) it was enough time to really enjoy my first born, but not too long before starting again. My son entered preschool a few months after my daughter was born, thereby allowing me some one-on-one time with my daughter without having to worry about jealousy. I have to say that my kids have always gotten along very well with each other (they are now 8 and almost 5) and are getting closer and closer every day.

I have a friend who had 5 children in 8 years and #6 is on the way and you would never meet a calmer, more graceful person. Everyone's situation and level of physical and emotional tolerance is different - what may be easy for someone else may be very difficult for you and vice versa. It's a big decision (one that I'm facing once again as I'm considering having child #3) and one that must be thought out very well - you can't send them back once they're here!!! The rewards can be incredible, though. Best of luck to you, and please don't rush - as mentioned before, 35 is not a magic number!!!!

 

[glass slipper girl]

OK, I will admit to not having read this entire thread because this is an issue I can end up getting irritated about. I can see both sides of the have another (or more) and the only child issue.

I myself am an only child. I am also a mother of 3.

I get so irritated when I hear statements that make it sound like you are doing your child an injustice by not having more than one. Personally, I am more than fine with being an only and have never felt slighted in any way by not having a sibling. My parents said I never once asked for a brother or sister. I was just fine with things the way they were. I am very very close to both of my parents. I have a better relationship with them than most of my friends with siblings had/have with their parents. So there is a give and take there. Having a sibling for your child doesn't guarantee them anything. There are siblings who are as close as can be and always have a wonderful and special relationship and there are siblings who do not speak at all and have nothing but resentment for one another. You can't know which situation you are going to get. My mother has 3 brothers and a sister. One of her brothers and her sister do not speak at all and haven't for years over an argument their kids got into over a matchbox car of all things. Another brother has distanced himself from all the siblings after their father died. My father has an older brother. They don't have any ill will between them but the last time they spoke was over 4 years ago. They get along fine when they are together but one lives in GA and the other in Colorado and they just aren't close so they don't make an effort to stay in touch. Having a sibling does not guarantee your child a best friend for life. The best thing you can do for your child is to love them unconditionally. Have another child if you and your spouse want another child but don't have another just so your first won't be an only! Being an only is not the end of the world. My husband and I wanted more than one for US, not out of fear of our oldest being the only. We had all sorts of fertility problems as well as multiple miscarriages and after months of giving myself shots and doctors appointments every other day, blood work, ultrasounds, procedures and all that we said we'd try for another but we set limits on what we were willing to do. If it didn't come easier the 2nd time around, then our oldest would be our only. Fortunately it was easier and we got pregnant on our first treatment cycle with DS #2. DS #3 was a surprise baby. For years when I went in for my yearly exam my doctor would ask what our method of birth control was and my answer was always "infertility and prayer." 9.5 years without birth control and we have one surprise. LOL

All that said, if you want a 2nd child because you feel your family isn't complete yet, there are pros and cons to close child spacing and to further apart. My first 2 are 21 months apart and there is 4.5 years between the 2nd one and the 3rd one. Having them close you do get all the diapers and car seat time all over in one fell swoop but that first year is a real challenge. The oldest is not quite 2 when the baby is born so the "big sib" is still at an age where you have to watch them constantly so they aren't eating the dog food or wraping the cord from the mini blinds around their necks. THe baby obviously needs your full attention too. Once you get through that first year though, it's great. They are playmates and they are for the most part interested in the same things. When it's rainy out and you want to pop in DVD, you can find a movie that interests both of them rather than one wanting to watch Harry Potter and the other wanting Barney. If you wait untill your first is older then they are more independent so you don't have to worry about watching them like a hawk. They are also old enough to be helpful. Not talking forced babysitting but just with grabbing things for you, cleaning their own room, can be trusted not to cram legos into the baby's mouth while you go to pee...stuff like that. On the other hand, in my experience there is more sibling rivalry/adjustment to a new baby with them being older than there was with adding a 2nd when your first is very young. I don't think my oldest remembers being an only child (good and bad to that I guess) and he totally rolled with the punches when my 2nd was born. He had a much harder time adjusting to the change in Mom's time and attention when baby #3 was born. My first two are each other's best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one. They get along quite well most of the time. I ended up being glad I had them close together like that. Enough so that when I found out #3 was on his way, I was worried about the age gap. It's too soon to tell how he will fit in "closeness wise" with his brothers. They do adore him and he just lights up when he sees them so I have hope that they will all be close.

Is it easier with the 2nd. Yes and no. Yes in that you know what to expect and you aren't as tense. That helps but it's far from easy. I firmly believe what so many parenting books etc. tell you...that having a 2nd isn't twice as much work as having 1, it's exponentially more work. I found the transition from 1 to 2 MUCH harder and more work than the transition from 2 to 3. It was like we already have controlled chaos, adding one more didn't make a huge difference.

How you handle everything...you just do. You do it because you have to. You pray that your next baby doesn't have colic. Sleep deprived. Yep. That never gets easier. OF course note that I have a 4 month old and am posting at 2:51 am because I am WIDE awake after dealing with him. Fortunately for me I am a SAHM so I can nap tomorrow with him while the "big boys" are off at school.

Give it some time and though. The risks aren't huge at 35 so don't feel like you HAVE to beat that line. Don't rush into it untill you feel ready because it really is a lot more work with 2. Not that it isn't worth it, but it is a lot of work. If you and your husband feel your family is not complete, then have another but if you don't feel that way, don't worry about your daughter. Being an only is not a terrible thing.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I just want to say that I think it's important to have a child because you want a child not to provide siblings. 35 isn't a magical number so I wouldn't stress too much on a time limit. From reading your post I can tell that you love your child, but I think your plate is pretty full right now. Is it possible that maybe you weren't bored when you were on maternity leave but perhaps had a touch of PPD? Just a suggestion. We have 3 kids with a 4th on the way. They are all 20-21 months apart. For us there is nothing better- but- if you are not enjoying sleepless nights etc. now, then you certainly won't enjoy it with more than one child. You can't take a nap when the baby is sleeping anymore because you have another child to tend to. Of course it is 4:15am and I have a touch of insomnia so sleep deprivation isn't too bad for me! There are days when I am so tired but you manage. I have nothing against Moms who work outside the home but maybe your schedule is just too much. Maybe part-time would be better for you if you can do it. It seems like you have a monotonous (sp?) schedule. If I had to get up at 4:30 everyday to go to work, work all day, come home, bathe, feed, and put to sleep my child everyday I would be a zombie! There doesn't seem to be much joy in that. Do you have alot of friends close by that have kids? That helps sometimes because it's nice to have other Moms who understand when you just don't feel like folding that load of laundry, or your child has been up all night etc. How does your dh feel about all this? Does he help out alot or does it all fall on your shoulders? My dh is great with the kids and we are equal parteners. He helps with everything. I would not have 4 kids if he didn't. JMHO. I think you have to search in your heart to see what you really want and what your motivation is. I really feel that is has to be because you and dh want a baby so bad that you can't imagine your life without another. JMHO. Keep us posted.

I just wanted to ask- how old is your dd?

 

[NY Disney fan]

I just wanted to ask- how old is your dd?

My dd is 4.5 months old, just an infant.

I am so thankful for everyone's honest responses. There is some good stuff here to read through and I have read through everyone's thoughts. My dh is great with helping out and my mom is the one who watches my dd while I work. (& yes I do pay her.lol!)

I would love to hear more thoughts. So far it seems like I might be better off waiting a little longer to have #2, although as the months roll on I might re-think my decision. I'll wait and see.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Aw, your little girl is a little baby! Enjoy her Mommy! Give your body some time to recover as well. Pregnancy takes alot out of you. You have plenty of time. That's so nice that your Mom watches her. I bet she loves every minute of it!
Jennie- fellow NYer!

 

[LaraK]

My kids are 2 years and 5 days apart. I was also a "mature" mommy. I had trouble getting pregnant with my first, so the fact that the second came so quickly was a little bit of a surprise for us. I also work full time and commute an hour each way.

I'm not going to lie...the first couple of years were pretty bad. Neither of my kids were sleepers. Added to that was that my DS had health issues. However, now the kids are playing together and it's actually easier. They are close enough in age to be able to really play well. They love each other dearly and (although they fight) are each other's best friends. I wouldn't do it differently now.

I do think that the first is glass (otherwise called the "practice child" in my household) and the second is tuperware. You learn to chill out with the second. Instead of sterilizing the pacifier when it falls on the floor, you stick it in your own mouth to get the worst of the dirt off and give it back.

I think you have to figure out when you're ready. Get your body back, let it recover and then decide if you're ready to do this thing again. I also think it depends a little bit on your DD....people used to joke that my DD matured early to make room for another baby...I guess they were right. I wouldn't really even think of having another child until my first could at least walk (think of picking a child up when pregnant...now picture toppling over on top of the child)

Most importantly, I think you should take all feedback on this board with a huge grain of salt. We are all different. Different things work for different people. You and your DH are the most important consideration.

 

[disneyfanfamily]

It depends on personality also. My goal in life was to get married and have children. I am a stay at home mom. I love every minutue of raising our kids. I respect those who work out of the home while having young children because I don't think I would have had the energy for that.

I thought having 2 kids versus one was difficult. Mine were 2 years apart. Going to the grocery store, etc. with an infant and a 2 year old was hard....

BUT, when my 3rd child was born, I thought it was easier than when I had just the 2. Not sure why. maybe because you don't stress about silly things - clean house, gourmet meals. You also don't stress so much about if they are sick, their shots, and if their pacifier is boiled and clean

I think now is harder in a different way. DS12 & DS 10 have ballgames, practices, youth group, school plays etc. DD6 is in gymnastics and t-ball. I feel like I run around all the time! I am exhausted, but not sleep deprived.

I would give yourself time. Wait until baby #1 is about a year and then decide. You have 8 months to contemplate. But you still have time after that. Many women in their late 30's and 40's have children. My sister is having #4 in August and she will almost be 40. She would probably have more, if it was not for her body not handling it as well this time around.

Good luck with what you decide!
PS I would have more if DH wanted more. Children are wonderful.

 

[pperfectmom]

My dd is 4.5 months old, just an infant.

I am so thankful for everyone's honest responses. There is some good stuff here to read through and I have read through everyone's thoughts. My dh is great with helping out and my mom is the one who watches my dd while I work. (& yes I do pay her.lol!)

I would love to hear more thoughts. So far it seems like I might be better off waiting a little longer to have #2, although as the months roll on I might re-think my decision. I'll wait and see.

I didn't read all the responses, but I definately think you should wait and enjoy your baby one on one. They are soooo needy at that age and you need to have energy to devote to her. My DD was a really good baby from about 4 months on(that's when she started to sleep through the night). She took several naps during the day giving me a break too. I thought "This is easy. Let's have another!" So I got pregnant when DD was right at a year old. The second pregnancy was much easier just because I knew what to expect and the second delivery was easier. I was 35 by this time and still don't think I was quite prepared for DS. We joke that if he had been first he would have been an only child. He just turned 2 and is only NOW starting to sleep through the night. He never napped at all(and I am not kidding) until he was about 9 months old. At night he would wake up to nurse on the hour every hour for the longest time. Even now he sometimes wakes up crying and we have to go check on him. Of course, every child is different and you may get one of the sleepers. Also, my DD and DS fight constantly over toys. We always have a whole shelf of stuff in time out and at any given time, one or two kids in time out also. So unless you're willing to take the chance I say waiting is the best choice for you right now. It sounds like you have your hands full already!

I know they look angelic in their picture, but look at DD's face. She's probably thinking "How much trouble will I be in if I push him off?" lol

 

[Oceana]

On my 30th birthdya I got pregnant with my 1st my pregnancy was very hard. I was very sick morning sickness 24 hours a day for all 9 months. I actually lost waight I was so sick so often.

We accidentally got pregnant with DS 2 so I was not ready. I was less morning sick but my older child was ready. When I had bad days he would go get himself a daddy made sandwich out of the fridge and a juice box and sit next to me in my bed and read books... he was a constant help. I would nap midday and he would sit next to me wide awake and read his books or sing

My elder child is a "spirited" child He doesnt nap and has so much energy... but it was like he knew he needed to chill for me and take care of me some.

My elder child witnessed his younger brothers delivery and was again nothing but a big help... DS 2 is OUR baby and we all take care of him. Parenting is tiering but it is so worth it. I would have 100 kids if my budget could take it.

If your biological drive to have kids is telling you to do it, go ahead! Do not shy away from your age. 35 is just when they chose to start the ugly statistics look into the real numbers before you decide old ladies cant have healthy babies!

Somehow Mommies from the beginning of time have been finding ways to be great mommies to however many kids they have. Even when they need about 6 more hours of sleep each day.

 

[tripplanner]

I have two kids. They are fifteen months apart. I can still remember those sleep deprived days. I also had to get up very early to handle the daycare and I worked in a different city than we lived, so it was an hour commute after dropping the baby off. The second was not planned, but turned out to be such a blessing. I had always imagined having my kids about 4 years apart. I will admit the first two years were exhausting. Two kids in diapers, two car seats, and two to hold onto in parking lots (ugh!!) They both were not great sleepers. We had a good two years before they were both sleeping through the night.

Knowing what I know now, I would not change a thing. My kids always have someone to play with. They are so close in age that they played "on the same level". I've also found that family activities are easier because we can all go to the same movies or other activity and don't have to leave someone who's too young home with a babysitter.