Have you ever told a friend.............

[mom2grace]

that her "flirtation/obsession/crush" has gone too far?

We live in a major city, but are involved in a very small circle of friends.

We are all late 30's-mid 40's married 10+ years with kids, all Catholic, all of our kids go to the same catholic school (why are you not surprised! )

About a month ago she told me about her attraction to him, I was not surprised at all, and had suspected it.

I told her that it's pretty normal, I am sure our husbands do it as well.......etc.

Now, I think she's taking it too far. She will go places to be near this man, they are friendly, and I think he likes the attention, but she is very subtle, I doubt anyone else is suspicious. They are involved in a committee together, so they have lots of opportunity to talk, on a daily basis about real things. She does not have to make stuff up in order to have conversations with him. As far as I know, no one else is suspicious.

I adore her husband and children, and tonight she wanted to go out to eat where "he" would be, even though her DH was going home. Her DH had a bad day at the office, and my heart broke for him, since I know all sides of the story (and he's a great husband and dad and a hottie, I thnk she's insane!!) In the end, she did decide to go home, but not too willingly.

I know many of you think I should stay out of it, but I think I need to tell my friend that she is taking it too far. I feel a little guilty by encouraging her when I said that it's normal behavior, what she is doing now is not really "normal" in families that stay together.

The other issue is that all of the kids involved will be together through high school, and I really would hate for anything to happen. It would implode our whole community in ways I cannot even begin to imagine.

I guess I don't really trust either of the adults involved. I know "him" really well too. He doesn't know what I know, and I have no intention of letting on.

So, for those of you who are still reading, THANKS!

For those of you who WOULD talk to your friend, what have you said?

 

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

I say why not talk to her. Obviously affairs start some where. People don't just bump into each other and do the deed... at least I hope not! It starts with flirtations and the line just keeps getting moved.

Of course, what you say to her might make no difference. Maybe she'll realize all she could lose if it gets out of hand. Maybe she won't. My DH strongly encouraged a former friend to end a relationship with a woman that had gone too far. The guy just denied and denied until we found out he had an affair with her. He didn't listen and is now getting a divorce.

 

[WildGrits]

I first want to say that I am sorry that your friend put this weight on your shoulders. It was not fair of her.

I would like to give you some feedback on some of the things you have said.

that her "flirtation/obsession/crush" has gone too far?

We live in a major city, but are involved in a very small circle of friends.

We are all late 30's-mid 40's married 10+ years with kids, all Catholic, all of our kids go to the same catholic school (why are you not surprised! )

About a month ago she told me about her attraction to him, I was not surprised at all, and had suspected it.

I told her that it's pretty normal, I am sure our husbands do it as well.......etc.

Now, I think she's taking it too far. She will go places to be near this man, they are friendly, and I think he likes the attention, but she is very subtle, I doubt anyone else is suspicious. They are involved in a committee together, so they have lots of opportunity to talk, on a daily basis about real things. She does not have to make stuff up in order to have conversations with him. As far as I know, no one else is suspicious.

I adore her husband and children, and tonight she wanted to go out to eat where "he" would be, even though her DH was going home. Her DH had a bad day at the office, and my heart broke for him,

since I know all sides of the story Someone outside of their marriage couldn't possibly know all sides of the issue. There is always one persons side, the other persons side and somewhere in the middle is the truth.

(and he's a great husband and dad Again someone living outside their home has no basis to make this judgementand a hottie, I thnk she's insane!!) In the end, she did decide to go home, but not too willingly.

I know many of you think I should stay out of it, but I think I need to tell my friend that she is taking it too far. I feel a little guilty by encouraging her when I said that it's normal behavior, what she is doing now is not really "normal" in families that stay together. You are basing this on what you feel a normal married couple should do in order to stay together.

The other issue is that all of the kids involved will be together through high school, and I really would hate for anything to happen. I'm a little lost here.

It would implode our whole community in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. The fact is that 55% of marriages end in divorce. There are much worse things out there. I really hope you don't believe this would impact your community so greatly.
I guess I don't really trust either of the adults involved. I know "him" really well too. He doesn't know what I know, and I have no intention of letting on.

So, for those of you who are still reading, THANKS!

For those of you who WOULD talk to your friend, what have you said? I think my response has to do with whether she is my friend or they are. If she was my friend I would stay out of it. If they where my friends, I would tell her straight that she needs to get over herself and re-evaluate her priorties in life. And in the future, you are both are my friends and I won't take sides. Then I would probably avoid them for awhile to avoid opening my big mouth and cursing her out.

 

[ksumn1]

I would talk to her. Just tell her that you think a crush is normal, but that maybe she's going a little too far. Tell her you've noticed, and if this continues....it's only a matter of time before someone else notices, too. Urge her to spen some extra timw with her DH, or get him to help out more so they can spend time together that she normally spends with this other man. It could be that she's feeling a little neglected by her DH (happens in a marraige sometimes) and this other man is paying attention to HER. Maybe he talks to her and not just about work, home, or the kids. Sounds like she needs to put the spark back in her marraige and maybe she won't need the attention the other man provides.

 

[rt2dz]

Honestly, speaking from experience, I'd stay out of it. Totally.

You will loose either way. If you say something to her, she'll get mad and shut you out of her life. Still causing impacts on your community. And, of course, if the lines are crossed any further, and her husband finds out you know, he'll hate you for what you did to their kids.

The best thing to do is tell her you don't want to be a party to her crush and ask her not to tell you about it or involve you in participating in any "chance" encounters. Turn your head and don't know anything.

 

[StephMK]

If you are a good friend, I would talk to her. I've been in your position and didn't find out my friend was wandering until it was after the point of no return. She is miserable and we've had many discussions about it. I don't know if she had told me earlier if I could have prevented it but would have tried my hardest.

You may very well prevent it from going further. It sounds like now, it's just fun & flirting for her but could move into something that she can't take back later. Definitely talk to her while it's still "innocent". Tell her why you feel her hubby's a prince - maybe it will remind her why she loves her DH or will let her vent to you if it's not all it seems. Remind her about focusing on her own family and how much it will tear everyone apart if something did happen. Maybe she told you because she is looking for help or someone to talk to.

Best of luck, it's not an easy position to be in.

 

[noahdove]

Talk to her asap You are a friend and she should listen..hopefully by talking to her, you can help her avoid a bad situation..hers and his....Pray and ask God for the words and He will come thru with just the right thing to say and how to say it..I'll pray for you

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I agree with Rt2dz-I would stay out of it completely. Definitely a hard thing to do, but for your own sanity, that is the route I would choose.

I'm sure your friend is well aware that you disapprove of her actions and most likely nothing you can say to her will change what she does in the future. You never really know what goes on behind closed doors...her perfect marriage and perfect husband may be anything but. I think your going to cause yourself a lot of grief if you get involved. I'd put some distance between myself and this couple for a while and let the chips fall where they may-it is up to them to work things out or not at all.

Good luck.