have you ever just given up on a friendship?

[fortheluvofpooh]

I mean, I try. I call everyweek just to say HI. I can't just drop in cause we live too far away. I offer to help when ever I can. Just to lend an ear. But phone calls never get returned. Emails go unanswered. If this were a new thing I would say they are just busy. But for yrs it has been this way. BUT when we do see eachother it is like we have never been apart.

 

[julirina]

Oh, please please please don't give up on her. My BFF is the "good" friend in our relationship and I am the "bad" friend -- she calls me all the time just to check up, she takes my kids when I need a break, she has our family over for meals, she listens and cares and is just a love. I'm the one who never returns phone calls, breaks dates at the last minute, doesn't return favors. I make a zillion excuses but it just boils down to me being lazy and not as good a friend as she deserves, but she has stuck by me for almost 30 years and I would be lost without her! And if she ever shared that she feels the way you do, I would try so hard to make it up to her. But right now we're just in a holding pattern because it's always been this way and no one holds me accountable. Maybe share your feelings with your friend before you just give it up -- I know I'd be crushed if someone gave up on me without first telling me why and giving me a chance.

 

[sk!mom]

I've actually rarely made a decision to let a friendship go but I've certainly had many friendships that died a natural death due to a variety of reasons- distance, no longer having anything in common, whatever.

You can certainly let the friendship go if this is hurting your feelings but if you have fun when you do see each other, why would you?

Is it possible that you have more time than your friend? How long are the phone calls if you do talk? Are you a needy friend? I ask because I wouldn't have time for a friend who needed for us to talk for an extended period every week. I'm pretty good about responding to email since it takes less time but maybe your friend isn't online much.

I'm sorry but your post sounds a bit needy to me and that can be a burden to your friend. One of the few friendships that I made a decision to cool was with someone I liked but she needed us to talk often and get together frequently. At that time, I was a new first time mom with a fulltime job. Things would have been fine except she would get her feelings hurt if I didn't call her right back or couldn't talk for long. Finally it was too stressful to be her friend- it felt high school to me.

 

[MissSha]

Sounds like way too much work, to me. There's way too much stress in our lives as it is, why waste time in a one-way relationship with your "friend", when you get nothing back in return? Surround yourself with people who return positive energy your way! If you should happen to see or hear from your friend, that's great!, but don't waste any more energy trying to make that happen.

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

I've actually rarely made a decision to let a friendship go but I've certainly had many friendships that died a natural death due to a variety of reasons- distance, no longer having anything in common, whatever.

You can certainly let the friendship go if this is hurting your feelings but if you have fun when you do see each other, why would you?

Is it possible that you have more time than your friend? How long are the phone calls if you do talk? Are you a needy friend? I ask because I wouldn't have time for a friend who needed for us to talk for an extended period every week. I'm pretty good about responding to email since it takes less time but maybe your friend isn't online much.

I'm sorry but your post sounds a bit needy to me and that can be a burden to your friend. One of the few friendships that I made a decision to cool was with someone I liked but she needed us to talk often and get together frequently. At that time, I was a new first time mom with a fulltime job. Things would have been fine except she would get her feelings hurt if I didn't call her right back or couldn't talk for long. Finally it was too stressful to be her friend- it felt high school to me.

you make a good point, but I am generally not needy. I call her just to see how they are doing. I don't like to be a burden to friends. And this relationship seems to be the only one that is that way. Almost all of my other friends live w/in 15 min of me so we get together and hang out and chat via email. When you live states away the hanging out can not just happen. I guess I am just needy right now because I need to know if she is okay and see how the kids are and her dh.

 

[BellyBaby]

Oooh, I can often be one of those friends. But I honestly think that anytime I would call, would be a busy time for her, then I get caught up in dishes, bath times, etc. the day is gone. But I guess it depends if this is how the friendship always has been, so my very close friends know that I don't call b/c I don't want to, it's b/c I know they'll call, and I can talk for hours with them. It's just how the relationship got established. However, I've come out and TOLD them that I appreciate them calling me, b/c I never do, and I've thanked them for it. That way it's out in the open.

 

[Zeebs]

I have a friend who I have been friends with since we were kids and at the moment I am quite cross with her.

I live in the UK and she lives in NZ so we only catch up via the phone or when we visit NZ to see family.

Hubby and I are her kids godparents.

I ring her because we get free calls, but recently have gotten pregnant, found out it was a girl and there were some problems with the pregnancy. I had posted updates on facebook for my friends, many sent lovely comments. I heard nothing from her. I know she read them as she texted another friend to say I was having a girl.

I send her kids birthday cards, nothing for my kids ever arrives. I sent texts at Christmas and New Years as we were away and got nothing in return.

Now I know we get free calls, and she is incredibily cheap but if it was the other way round I would have rung straight away to make sure she was ok.

That being said at some point I will probably ring her and we will go back as it was but at the moment I am still very cross.

Kirsten

 

[skip323]

If it bothers you then let it go. That doesn't mean that you have to let it go completely...just more of an occasional touch bases type thing. Almost all of my dear "old" friends live in other states (as do all of my family members). I have a couple of friends whom I never speak to during the year....never. I don't call them and they don't call me. We send a rare email and send holiday pics/ cards. But...every summer when I go home we get together for a few hours and have a blast! Very low maintenance and LOTS of fun. They are still some of my very dearest friends even though they are not involved in my daily or weekly life.

I have another friend...really LOVED her!! I would call to check in occasionally and we would talk for a minute then she would have to go. She would promise to callback but never did. When I would go home in the summers, I would drive out to her home (45 minutes from my parents) and we would hang out. The year I drove home...without d/h but with a 2 month old and an almost 2 year old (about 6 hours), I had let her know that there was just no way that I could pack those kiddos back into the car and make another trip, I asked her to come see me instead...nothing. And nothing the year after....just nothing. That is when I let it go to holiday cards only. It has to be give and take or it is not worth my energy! I miss her but it has worked out much better for me to let that relationship slide.

We are ALL busy. It is the very nature of life these days. I don't mind putting in a little bit of extra energy but that is all that I can do!

Good luck! Tough decision!

 

[indimom]

I guess I'm on the other side of this picture. I have several old friends; and one, in particular, who I would consider my "fourth sister." BUT, when she lived out of town we went months at a time without calling. You just get wrapped up in day to day life, the kids, activities, work, etc. Right now, I see her almost daily, but it's due to work not because we actively seek each other out... I enjoy chatting with her often and wonder why I didn't try to call when she was living further away. I have a flesh and blood sister who lives four states away and I only call her maybe 6-8 times a year. She calls me about the same. BUT, when we do call, we are usually on the phone for hours and have a hard time hanging up because we have so much to talk about...

I have to add that I'm a somewhat insecure person, so if I'm calling someone "just to chat" I sit there and wonder if they are busy, if I'm calling at a bad time, if they even want to talk to me, if I'm annoying them or boring them (it's just how I am)... If they call me, I love to talk and hear about what's happening in their life, but I'm always second-guessing about making the call myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're all different and it's hard to judge what is going on with your friend without knowing her. Probably the best thing you could do is TELL your friend how you feel, more than likely she has no idea that this is hurting your feelings. I would have felt just awful if my Dfriend had told me my lack of calls was hurting her feelings. Now, I'm going to have to ask her!!!

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I don't always keep in touch with my friends either. Sometimes it is because I don't want to hear their same old issues.... There is nothing I can do about them and frankly I think they were stupid to get into them in the first place!

I know.... I'm a bad friend... but I can't bring myself to just end the friendship...so we may have dinner together a few times a year, but that is all I can bear to take. I seem to have some very needy friends with issues. I call them my toxic friends.

I am not implying the OP is this way... Just giving another viewpoint on things.

 

[wtrmlnlabs]

I sympathize! I have one of those, we were best of friends until she became a Physicians Assistant, got a good job, not she treats me like I'm not good enough for her. (SAHM, homeschooling mom) We pretty much get together once a year at her Christmas party... where I really barely even talk to her but I get along great with all her family. The very rare occasion I see her otherwise we do get along so well, and it makes me miss the "good ole days". It's taken me a few years to decide to take what I can. I don't do all the calling and such like I'd like to and you are doing. Maybe if you do less it'd make you feel better about the situation... feel less frustrated about it. If you value the person, still enjoy being together when possible, keep them and "take what you can get". Like the PP's very open reply about them being the bad friend, you're friend may very well realize it and, although unspoken, appreciate that you are doing the work!

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

I read somewhere once that relationships are like bank accounts. If you aren't getting anything from this one and giving everything, you'll run out eventually

I don't see a problem with reducing the amount of effort you're putting in. I have a close family member that I used to call a LOT, and one day realized she wasn't calling me. I've cut back on my effort toward her for a little bit and find myself doing more things for myself and my family, and friends that seek me out. It's been nice.

 

[jetprincess]

I haven't read all of the responses but have you tried telling her that you wish she would call/email you every once and a while? I don't mean to sound sarcastic but you probably wouldn't hesitate to say something like that to your spouse/SO! Relationships (all kinds!) require give and take but sometimes you have to communicate what you need from them!! Now if that fails, maybe it is time to give up. Good Luck!

 

[Leader of the Club]

I have let go of friendships that were unhealthy or toxic to me. I have two sisters that I have not spoke to in nearly 20 years. It is much healthier to my family to not have them in the picture.

Now, I rarely call my friends. I am not working. They all have jobs. I'm sitting here all day just doing "house" stuff, surfing the web, reading the Dis, and they are BUSY with work, family, etc. I'll email occasionally, we chat on Facebook. They call me when they can--usually when they are driving home from work and have a few minutes alone. They know that I'm here and that they can call me anytime they have a minute to chat.

I suppose I'd better send them all a note today and let them know how much I love them.

 

[micheleq]

I went through something similar a few years ago. A friend of mine who I adore stopped reciprocating calls and e-mails. She was going through a lot in her life (death of a parent) and I really wanted to be there for her.

We did talk about it (I was afraid I had done something to hurt her feelings, which was not the case), and she simply said she was in her own place figuring things out. And in talking to other friends, I learned that in a friendship, you can't always expect people to be on the same page all the time. Now, we chat on FB and via e-mail and I am ok with that. We live within two hours of each other, but I haven't seen her since I was pregnant with DD2. I've asked if she wants to get together, but she rarely makes the effort.

I have several friends in different states, and I find that over the years some of those relationships can change because of the distance mixed in with other life factors. I've had to adjust my expectations and be ok with that. Good luck.

 

[littlbugmom]

If it's been that way for years, it's established that you are the one who initiates all of the contact. Since this is the case, you shouldn't be upset with her. However, if it's bothering you now you should talk to her about it. Don't end the friendship over something that she may not even be aware of.

 

[Camno's Mama]

In many of my friendships, I am the one to call, to email, to set things up. For some of them, I am okay with that. They are busy, and just don't have time to call. I am just as busy, but I am a SAHM. I also babysit all day during the week for my friend's children. I am home a lot, and keeping up with the outside world is important to me. So, I make it a priority.

Maybe your friends don't have the same priorities. I do not think you are needy, but if you have friendships that you can better invest your time in, and receive the support that you need, then you might want to do that.

I would not end the friendship, but I would take a step back and just let it take its natural course. You may be surprised in the effort that your friend makes when she notices that you are not trying as hard. Or maybe, she will let it happen, but at least you will know.

Everyone needs something different in their relationships. As you can see from reading this thread. I sincerely hope that my friends don't feel as some of the pps do on the thread about me. If I knew that anyone felt that way...that I am needy, take too much time, etc. I would end the friendship. Life is too short to spend time and effort that people who take your love and friendship for granted.

Good luck.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have really good old friends who I talk to maybe once a year, if that. I have a bunch of college friends coming over this weekend (we all live within 1 - 2 hours of each other), some who I haven't seen in a couple of year, or talked to. I do speak with my sister about once a week, but the rest of my out of state friends? Very rarely. Yet I still consider them great friends.

Now, I have "newer" friends here in town that I talk to all of the time.

 

[mjkacmom]

you make a good point, but I am generally not needy. I call her just to see how they are doing. I don't like to be a burden to friends. And this relationship seems to be the only one that is that way. Almost all of my other friends live w/in 15 min of me so we get together and hang out and chat via email. When you live states away the hanging out can not just happen. I guess I am just needy right now because I need to know if she is okay and see how the kids are and her dh.

Try emailing her. I LOVE to talk, in person, but I'm not a phone person (unless I'm cleaning or doing another chore that I can multitask with). Call her a few times a year. I have about a dozen or so good friends who I talk to once a year (HS and college friends). We exchange Christmas cards, send some emails, but really don't talk, and when we do, it's LONG! And when we see each other, it's like we talk every day.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Definitely don't end the friendship without talking to her!! I have a very best friend (we consider ourselves sisters) who lives in another state. We've agreed to email to save our phone bills and now that she has 4 kids and I have 5 it's just hard to talk on the phone, but it takes her forever to email me back, sometimes more than a month.

I finally got upset about it and told her it hurt my feelings and asked her if she felt we were moving apart and should end our friendship. It turned out that she has been suffering from depression on and off and didn't want to talk about it because she felt "whiny" so she would just wait until she was in a better frame of mind to email back. She did not want to end the friendship and has done much better at returning emails or at least emailing to let me know she was going to be out of the loop for a little while.

I am so glad because my life is so much better with her part of it and I would sorely miss her even though we don't see each other.