Have you ever gone to a function where you had to PAY for soda???

[Todd&Copper]

If the search function worked better, I could bring up at least 10 threads in the past couple of years where the brides of these "we pay for everything" receptions also have stated that the "common" bridal gift was over $100.00 per person, usually way more. And that when they attended weddings, it was the norm to figure in the cost of your meal for the bridal gift.

Sounds quite a bit like asking your guests to help pay for your reception.

Edited to add:
Google is your friend. It took less than 2 minutes to type in Wedding gifts + disboards for it to pop up this thread. Very first posts says one should cover the plate cost of the reception with their monetary gift.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1516807

If that isn't asking your guests to pay for your reception, then I don't know what is.

At least all the brides I know who had a cash bar would have been very happy with a toaster and didn't expect $250.00 cash gifts.

Well, here's a bride who had an open bar and didn't give a flying fig what the guests gave me as gifts. My parents are from NY/NJ, and they gave me $10K to do as I saw fit regarding the wedding, and I could keep any leftover and pay any extra. The wedding was in VA Bch and after all was said and done, we had almost $3K left. Let me tell you, I did not receive $7K in gifts, and not each guest "covered" the $40 per person plate charge, but that was not why I had the party. Not everyone feels a gift should cover the plate. That way of thinking and even more trashy than a cash bar, IMHO.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Oh Please.

I personally think it hysterical that all the NJ/CT/Whatever people are looking down their noses at those that provide cash bars by saying that they would NEVER expect their guests to help pay for their reception.

But how many threads have we seen from irate NJ/CT/Whatever brides "venting" that their guests did not give gifts equal to covering the plate cost at the reception.

After years on the DIS and a particular fondness for etiquette posts, I do not believe that is true. As I recall it is always a GUEST who brings up the covering of the plate - I have not seen a bride venting here (maybe I was in Disney that week).

I always cover the cost at a wedding - but big cash gifts are the norm here.

 

[U2_rocks!]

Well, here's a bride who had an open bar and didn't give a flying fig what the guests gave me as gifts. My parents are from NY/NJ, and they gave me $10K to do as I saw fit regarding the wedding, and I could keep any leftover and pay any extra. The wedding was in VA Bch and after all was said and done, we had almost $3K left. Let me tell you, I did not receive $7K in gifts, and not each guest "covered" the $40 per person plate charge, but that was not why I had the party. Not everyone feels a gift should cover the plate. That way of thinking and even more trashy than a cash bar, IMHO.

Absolutely! I kept track of my gifts (made a list) for the purposes of writing personal thank-you notes, but in no way did I study how much people gave! I don't even know how much per head the food worked out to, because it was heavy cocktail stuff, not sit-down. Also, I wasn't in charge of the caterers, Mum did that, so I had no clue what the food cost anyway. I also don't base a wedding gift that I give someone on what their reception is like! I have a general budget figure in mind for all types of gift occasions, and I stick to that, regardless, of the type of reception!

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

But you do "expect" large monetary gifts. I have read so many threads where the NJ people say it is expected to gift the couple the cost of the plate per person + some extra. I have read so many threads stating how "tacky" it is to give a physical gift or to not at least cover the cost of your meal at a wedding.

So, this is exactly the same thing. You might not have a bar where people pay cash, but brides do expect the guests to pay for their meals via their gifts.

Personally, I would rather pay for an $8.00 drink than be expected to shell out a $400.00 wedding gift because the bride and groom want some sort of major extravaganza.

Don't tell me what I "expect". *I* never expected anyone to shell out money to pay for my wedding, in any way shape or form; even my parents, although they did give me money to do with what I wanted, even if that meant skipping the wedding and eloping instead.

I had an open bar...I did NOT have an extravagant wedding. You need to stop equating the two...it just doesn't hold true in every circumstance. I went into planning my wedding having what I (or my mother but that's another thread) wanted, with no expectations of getting anything in return. My biggest hope and concern was that my relatives from NJ, where I was originially from, would attend, and they did. I was thrilled with that.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Sorry, it's the truth. No joke, I am sure comments were made that the party was not good enough, despite the fact that I went to great pains to decorate the whole house in a Candyland Theme. Do things however way you see fit and I will do the same. Obviously, the two sides on this thread are never going to agree. I think the lavish parties are a waste of money, over the top and shallow.....the other side thinks that any less is cheap and tacky...as I told DH's step-mother as we planned our wedding, I was much more concerned with the significance of what was taking place at the church..we had a lovely country club reception but that was of secondary importance I think we all have to agree to disagree.

Wow! Looking down your nose much? Just because we have a party that YOU consider lavish it is shallow but when YOU throw a party that you consider wonderful and others in your family don't like it is is wrong? BTW- I think that the party you threw sounded wonderful as I like to decorate the whole house as well. We don't think having big parties is a waste of money. We don't throw them to impress anyone. We throw them so we can all gather and celebrate TOGETHER. Just because we choose to have open bars/djs/magicians etc. doesn't make it any less significant. If I came to your party regardless of whether you had liquor or not (which is really the issue here) I would still think it was a great party if you went through the effort to make it nice. Oh- and nice does not equate tons of money.

Oh Please.

I personally think it hysterical that all the NJ/CT/Whatever people are looking down their noses at those that provide cash bars by saying that they would NEVER expect their guests to help pay for their reception.

But how many threads have we seen from irate NJ/CT/Whatever brides "venting" that their guests did not give gifts equal to covering the plate cost at the reception.

How is that any different than a cash bar? NJ/CT/PA/Whatever brides "expect" monetary gifts in excess of $100.00 per person.

NY (Long Island) bride checking in here.
I haven't seen any thread about a bride complaining about the gifts. I have seen guests asking what to bring and others stating what they do. As a bride I never expected anything from anyone. We wanted our family and friends to share in our day. Nothing more. We would rather someone come and celebrate with no gift then stay home because they felt they couldn't afford it. We had the party WE wanted and WE payed for it. WE did not think anyone was cheap with their gifts nor did it even occur to us to think that way. It was simply a celebration and we were happy to share it. So no- we didn't expect a thing from our guest other than their presence. Oh- and we had one of those big type weddings that are typical for this area.



ETA- Yes- I do give large cash gifts for weddings/baptisms/communions/1st birthdays etc. but that is MY choice. I do not expect anyone else to do that. It is also however the norm here.

 

[waltskids]

NJ bride (well 11 years ago ) and a parent here- we had an open bar for our wedding and also for our DS's Christening party and 1st b-day party. It is customary for people to offer both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks at family functions. Even at funerals this is customary in my family. I have been to very few functions that do not serve alcohol or soda, often it's either for religious reasons (the alcohol part) or a regional thing (ie: two weddings in West Virginia which offered lemonade and punch). I think it's very interesting how different parts of the country celebrate special occasions. I don't look down at those that choose the have their guests pay, it's just not something that would be done here.

 

[gina2000]

After years on the DIS and a particular fondness for etiquette posts, I do not believe that is true. As I recall it is always a GUEST who brings up the covering of the plate - I have not seen a bride venting here (maybe I was in Disney that week).

I always cover the cost at a wedding - but big cash gifts are the norm here.

Totally agree. As a bride I didn't give a fig what people gave me. As a guest, I try to be as generous as I can especially if it's someone I love.

 

[1PrincessMomma1]

Heck my baby showers were open bar. It's the norm here. Now for those folks who have a keg at their wedding do you guest walk around with the red Solo frat party cups? I can not image having a keg at a wedding it's for frat parties around here. Even back yard parties here have a staffed bar with bottles of beer or draft in regular glasses no kegs sitting about.
As for gifts I never expected anyone to "cover their plate" and since we were very young as were our friends many couldn't afford to do that. We got gifts from a $9.99 bakeware set to checks for over $5,000 ea. we were appreciative for all of them. We paid for the wedding ourselves with no help from either set of parents.

 

[txaggiemomof3]

Well, here's a bride who had an open bar and didn't give a flying fig what the guests gave me as gifts. My parents are from NY/NJ, and they gave me $10K to do as I saw fit regarding the wedding, and I could keep any leftover and pay any extra. The wedding was in VA Bch and after all was said and done, we had almost $3K left. Let me tell you, I did not receive $7K in gifts, and not each guest "covered" the $40 per person plate charge, but that was not why I had the party. Not everyone feels a gift should cover the plate. That way of thinking and even more trashy than a cash bar, IMHO.

Wow, even *more* trashy than a cash bar? Thanks.

I'm a tacky Southern bride who had a cash bar at my wedding and I have no regrets. It was tastefully done (no dinging cash register during my first dance as another poster suggested) and my guests had a great time. I even got a toaster oven as a gift and I loved it

Nana Annie, thanks for posting that link. I totally agree with what you said.

 

[disneyfan90]

I went to a wedding where the bride & groom proposed the guests over 21 who wanted to consume alchoholic beverages wear wristbands so the banquet facility wouldn't charge them per head for those not drinking! They had a 6 pm reception with appetizers only. A bit unconventional but hey, to each their own.

 

[malibuconlee]

Heck my baby showers were open bar. It's the norm here. Now for those folks who have a keg at their wedding do you guest walk around with the red Solo frat party cups? I can not image having a keg at a wedding it's for frat parties around here. Even back yard parties here have a staffed bar with bottles of beer or draft in regular glasses no kegs sitting about.

As I've said where I'm from the norm is to provide beer and it's usually from kegs. It really depends on the venue. Ours was held at the Elks Club. The Clubhouse has a bar and a license. As such they have to have control over the alcohol that is consumed on property. We provided a keg of beer and the bar was there for anyone to order as they saw fit, but we did not provide any other alcohol. The beer was served in clear plastic cups from the bartender who can and did ID guests to prove they were 21. The keg wasn't just sitting about. Although I have been to wedding receptions where that is what happened at halls that didn't have a bar.

 

[Mkrop]

If you can't have a good time without alcohol, then you either have a drinking problem or very boring family and friends.

ETA: the general you, not chicagodisneyfan specifically.

I just wanted to second the other posters opinion to this post that if you can not have fun with out alcohol at an event then there is a STRONG possiblility that you have a drinking problem and/or dependency. .

Wow then every member of my family, every single one of my friends, all of DH's family etc etc must have problems bc MOST of affairs involve alcohol whether it is a keg of beer at a backyard first bday party or a wedding. I recently went to a funeral luncheon with an open bar! It is how things are done around here, when you go to these if you would like then you can have a drink or not but it is always provided.

And as a PA bride I did not expect any amount from my guests, but I do give high amounts at weddings, it is what we do!

My goal when I planned my wedding was to celebrate the sacrament of marriage, have a beautiful ceremony, and have a fun, kicking party. Given that I have people still talking about how much fun they had 13 years ago, from my relatives that I just saw, to my mom's friends, to mine, then I think it was a success. And this was a combo of people who drink and who dont!

 

[zalansky]

We went to a wedding in 2000 here in Florida. There was only one food option, chicken on the buffet. And the only drink options were tap water in a glass or iced tea. We were able to purchase sodas, but sorry - that was about as tacky as it gets. I understand people are on budgets but come on now. That was a joke.

 

[SydSim]

Wow then every member of my family, every single one of my friends, all of DH's family etc etc must have problems bc MOST of affairs involve alcohol whether it is a keg of beer at a backyard first bday party or a wedding. I recently went to a funeral luncheon with an open bar! It is how things are done around here, when you go to these if you would like then you can have a drink or not but it is always provided.

And as a PA bride I did not expect any amount from my guests, but I do give high amounts at weddings, it is what we do!

My goal when I planned my wedding was to celebrate the sacrament of marriage, have a beautiful ceremony, and have a fun, kicking party. Given that I have people still talking about how much fun they had 13 years ago, from my relatives that I just saw, to my mom's friends, to mine, then I think it was a success. And this was a combo of people who drink and who dont!

I think you are misunderstanding the quotes. It talks about people who can't have fun unless there is alcohol served. Not if all of your parties that you go to have alcohol, then you're an alcoholic. It means that if you refuse to attend parties solely based on the fact that no alcohol is served, then there is probably a problem.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I think you are misunderstanding the quotes. It talks about people who can't have fun unless there is alcohol served. Not if all of your parties that you go to have alcohol, then you're an alcoholic. It means that if you refuse to attend parties solely based on the fact that no alcohol is served, then there is probably a problem.

You know, that's not necessarily true. Maybe they've just been to enough "dry" parties and not really enjoyed them. Some dry parties are great - but others lack a certain "vibe" that maybe the person is looking for. I understand - for me, weddings have always been great parties, with lots of drinks, food, dancing, fun. It's what I'm used to. Everyone I know well would have a wedding reception like that. But I have been to 2 receptions for DH's cousins' weddings, and both were dry snoozefests. Oh, the food was good, that was one redeeming feature - but it just wasn't a party. It was just a social gathering, which really wasn't that interesting for those of us related by marriage who didn't know many people there. Only the bride and groom danced. It was just not what I was accustomed to. I was glad I went at the time (I had no kids, and nothing better to do), but now I'm not sure I'd spring for babysitting for an event like that.

My parents don't drink at all, for health reasons, and often don't think to serve it when we have casual family gatherings (though it's there if we want it, and we'll help ourselves if we feel like it). But we're close to them, so we have a good time regardless of what food or drink there may be. It's just that parties where you don't know a ton of people and can't even enjoy a good party vibe to make up for it just aren't that interesting for some of us. Nothing to do with being problem drinkers.

 

[sha_lyn]

I think you are misunderstanding the quotes. It talks about people who can't have fun unless there is alcohol served. Not if all of your parties that you go to have alcohol, then you're an alcoholic. It means that if you refuse to attend parties solely based on the fact that no alcohol is served, then there is probably a problem.

I enjoy an adult beverage on occasion. I just don't see a point of serving alcohol at at child's party, or complaining if a bride and groom don't offer me free booze. I've attended many weddings and birthday parties without alcohol and managed to have a great time at most if not all of them.

Over the past 7 yr, I've been to 14 birthday parties held for the 2 children of 2 of our "drinking buddies." I don't think I have ever eaten a meal in a restaurant that serves alcohol with the husband that we haven't split a pitcher of beer or margaritas. The wife has me over for a night girls night in of wine and movies sometimes when her DH is out of town. However I have yet to see them serve alcohol at the parties for either of their children.

I can only think of one family I know that I have had alcoholic beverages served at a child's party, but we wait until after the dinner, cake, presents etc and the bring out a couple of bottles of wine while the kids go play with all the new toys in the playroom. I was thrown off a bit at first, but have learned to go with the flow with them. Oh and no they aren't originally from around here, they are from OR.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

I think it is silly to charge but what gets me is when I go to a place of business and they only offer coffee for free. I don't drink coffee. Never have acquired the taste and I know I am not the only one. I think if they think of the coffee drinkers then they need to think of the NONE coffee drinkers!

 

[SydSim]

You know, that's not necessarily true. Maybe they've just been to enough "dry" parties and not really enjoyed them. Some dry parties are great - but others lack a certain "vibe" that maybe the person is looking for. I understand - for me, weddings have always been great parties, with lots of drinks, food, dancing, fun. It's what I'm used to. Everyone I know well would have a wedding reception like that. But I have been to 2 receptions for DH's cousins' weddings, and both were dry snoozefests. Oh, the food was good, that was one redeeming feature - but it just wasn't a party. It was just a social gathering, which really wasn't that interesting for those of us related by marriage who didn't know many people there. Only the bride and groom danced. It was just not what I was accustomed to. I was glad I went at the time (I had no kids, and nothing better to do), but now I'm not sure I'd spring for babysitting for an event like that.

My parents don't drink at all, for health reasons, and often don't think to serve it when we have casual family gatherings (though it's there if we want it, and we'll help ourselves if we feel like it). But we're close to them, so we have a good time regardless of what food or drink there may be. It's just that parties where you don't know a ton of people and can't even enjoy a good party vibe to make up for it just aren't that interesting for some of us. Nothing to do with being problem drinkers.

Ok, I understand now. I know those kinds of parties with the "party vibe" that you're talking about. The dry parties that I have been to have people dancing and socializing and laughing a lot. The parties with the "vibe" have people dancing sloppily, socializing loudly and laughing so hard that they fall on the floor - yeah, good times! I can understand why you wouldn't want to be at a party that didn't have all of those things.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Ok, I understand now. I know those kinds of parties with the "party vibe" that you're talking about. The dry parties that I have been to have people dancing and socializing and laughing a lot. The parties with the "vibe" have people dancing sloppily, socializing loudly and laughing so hard that they fall on the floor - yeah, good times! I can understand why you wouldn't want to be at a party that didn't have all of those things.

You're right. Whenever we serve alcohol grandma does funnels and then falls over from laughter. Then we bust out the game of quarters for grandpa since he always carries the change. Darn if that man can't drink until he screams! Oh yeah- it's also not a party until we have the aunts and uncles flopping all over the dance floor. You should see Uncle Jim Bob! He's like a wet fish out of water! Good times I tell you! Good times!

Seriously- do you really think that if people have a few drinks they are slovenly messes? If so then you are meeting the wrong kind of people.

 

[SydSim]

You're right. Whenever we serve alcohol grandma does funnels and then falls over from laughter. Then we bust out the game of quarters for grandpa since he always carries the change. Darn if that man can't drink until he screams! Oh yeah- it's also not a party until we have the aunts and uncles flopping all over the dance floor. You should see Uncle Jim Bob! He's like a wet fish out of water! Good times I tell you! Good times!

Seriously- do you really think that if people have a few drinks they are slovenly messes? If so then you are meeting the wrong kind of people.

Ok, I'll bite. What kind of "vibe" does the alcohol give to these parties that people (like yourself) are looking for?