Have only one child or when did you decide to have another?

[harleyquinn]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

If you decided to have only one child, would you mind sharing why?

If you decided to have more when did you know you wanted more?

Right now DH and I cannot possibly imagine having 2. The very thought...eeeehhh. This baby thing is soooo hard, and I honestly don't like it very much. I LOVE my DD, but I don't like most of what goes into being her mommy right now.

Did anyone initially feel this way, but decide to have another? I know it's too early to worry about it, but I thought it would be interesting to hear other perspectives.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Nothing wrong with having 1.

Nothing wrong with having more.

Don't force something if it doesn't feel right.

Mine are all spaced apart while waiting until we were ready to add the next one and then the next. (we had always planned on 2 or 4).

This pregnancy is the first time I've had the "I ain't doing this ever again" feeling. I always wondered what that felt like--and now I know. I keep joking that this is my close-out clearance special baby. If this was my first pregnancy--we would have only had one. After my first--there was no real consideration as to when to have the next until after she was over a year old. And even then, we waited 6 months before trying for a second. At 4 months of age--the last thing on my mind was a sibling for her.

 

[harleyquinn]

Nothing wrong with having 1.

Nothing wrong with having more.

Don't force something if it doesn't feel right.

Mine are all spaced apart while waiting until we were ready to add the next one and then the next. (we had always planned on 2 or 4).

This pregnancy is the first time I've had the "I ain't doing this ever again" feeling. I always wondered what that felt like--and now I know. I keep joking that this is my close-out clearance special baby. If this was my first pregnancy--we would have only had one. After my first--there was no real consideration as to when to have the next until after she was over a year old. And even then, we waited 6 months before trying for a second. At 4 months of age--the last thing on my mind was a sibling for her.

Thanks Lisa!

A lot of people tell me that I'll get over the initial "OMG you have to be kidding me" phase and actually want another. I just find myself thinking about it a LOT. I know we won't even consider it for at least another year.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I felt that way when I was pg with DD-- that pregnancy was sheer torture. 9 months later, the baby bug bit HARD, and we TTC'ed for almost 2 years before we got pg with #2 (current pregnancy.) I think it's all down to the baby bug, really!

If it doesn't feel right now, or doesnt feel right *ever*.... well that's totally ok! I'm an only, and I'm just fine.

*eta* my kiddos will be 3 years apart

 

[MichelleVW]

I wanted another one right away!! I have 2 sisters and one brother and I am closest to the sister that is 22 months younger than me so I wanted my kids close in age.

Took me a little while to get pregnant again and Allison was born a week after Alyssa turned 2. While they are very different kids, they are also very good friends!

Doesn't always work though because my brother's kids are 18 months apart and fight like cats and dogs.

 

[dawn1620]

We only have one child and have never felt guilty for not having another. We had DD when DH was just getting out of the military. We had to transition back to civilian life, moved back to our home state, he started college..and by the time we were in a position to be able to have another DD was already five. If we could have had another about two years after she was born we probably would have. But at that point we decided we did not want anymore.

I was the middle of three and DH was an only child. We've explained that both situations had it's ups and downs. She has complained a time or two that she does not have any siblings but after she has played with her cousins and fought over toys, ect she is glad she is an only child.

If you don't want anymore...nothing wrong with that. I know many folk who never had kids..never wanted them.

 

[SC Minnie]

We only have 1. DD was born with a birth defect that required several surgeries(7 so far and we think we are done). We had wanted at least 2 children until she was born and we went through the struggles of your baby going into surgery.

When she was around 4 we were getting ready to move and decided then we didn't want anymore so we gave away all the baby stuff. There was an even greater chance we would have another child born with the same defect and on a larger scale. DH and I talked about it and we didn't think we could go through it again.


DD used to want a brother or sister. When she was about 6 we went to the beach with a freind of mine and her 2 children (they were a couple of years younger than DD at the time). After that weekend she didn't want any siblings. The little boy, about 5, pestered and bothered her all weekend.

 

[rszdtrvl]

DH and I have one child, by choice.

DH and I are both the oldest of 4 children. The "babysitter" of our younger siblings.

When DH and I decided to have a child, we were both young (20 and 21) and when we found out I was pregnant (it was a planned pregnancy), we "shook on it" that we would only have one child.

We wanted our child to have all of the opportunities that we could not have because our parents couldn't afford them, PLUS we did not want our child to have the resentment that we still carry about being "the babysitter".

I wanted a boy so badly, and DH knew better than to disappoint me, LOL.

No regrets. Ever.

Our son has Aspergers, and it has been a tough road - especially when he was just starting school. But I know he chose us as his parents because we wanted a boy so badly, and he knew that we would be willing to turn the world to make sure he was raised as he should be, and got the help he needed.

Like I said, DH and I are both the oldest of 4 kids, and I cannot imagine having that many children. Like you, I can't even imagine juggling 2 kids.

 

[harleyquinn]

I think it's funny now...with DD I was so focused on the labor being the hard part. I didn't even think for a second having to take care of her could possibly be this hard on me. I love kids, I'm a children's librarian that does storytime for 0-24 months 3 times a week. It should be easy! lmao How easily I forgot that I decided teaching was not for me because I found that I didn't have the patience to be with kids 9 hours a day. lol

I think part of this for me is realizing that if we do decide to make DD an only it's OK. I think there is such a social push to have at least 2, but the more information I seek and the more moms like you ladies I talk to, the more I see that it is ok. I guess that's all I need right now.

 

[princessmom29]

DD6 is an only and will stay that way unless something happens out of my control. She is an absolte joy now and was after about a year old, but the early days were ROUGH. I was also one that didn't enjoy the pregnancy, newborn, infant part of the whole thing. I had a horrible pregnancy. I left the hospital weighing less than I did before I got pregnant becuase I was constantly sick. I was just totally depleted after having her, and she had colic form day 1. She didn't sleep more than 1 1/2 hours at a time for 3 months. I couldn't produce enough milk to nurse her, she couldn't tolerate fromula. It was just an all round mess, and I was stressed to the max and dealing with a total hormone crash at the same time. Every hormone level they checked was abnormal. I NEVER want to go through that again, and i realize every pregancy and baby is different, but there is no gurantee I won't get a repeat. DD is not interested in a sibling, and we don't feel any sort of nagging need for another. We are done. I think you will know when and if the time will ever be right for you. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to have another, or choosing to wait a while, just as ther is nothing wrong with having another right away. It is all about what is right for you and your family.

 

[NY Disney fan]

If you decided to have only one child, would you mind sharing why?

I can only handle one. Don't have the $$ or other resources for another. Plus I'm a single mom. When I had my daughter, I was married.

 

[Colleen27]

Did anyone initially feel this way, but decide to have another? I know it's too early to worry about it, but I thought it would be interesting to hear other perspectives.

I am not a baby person AT ALL. For the first year, give or take, they're cute but high maintenance and just not much fun. I loved my kids when they were tiny, of course, but I'll never be that mom getting all misty and nostalgic over midnight feedings or tiny little toes. It just isn't my favorite stage, and when I had one in that stage having another was the about the least appealing idea in the world.

For us, the real conversations about if/when to have another didn't come until the baby was 2-3 years old. At that point, they've attained some small measure of independence and a good deal of verbal communication skills, and we weren't so wrapped up in meeting the needs of a baby. We have 3, so obviously I did get over that "not again" feeling that was rooted in the stress/demands of the infant phase.

 

[JoBird]

Awww, the first one, IMO- is the hardest to get used to. Your whole life changes as well as your whole reason for living.

I think of myself as two completely different people-- who I was before kids, and who I've become after.

I have three- 15, 11 and 8. None of them were planned. And being an only child myself- (which I LOVED being--) I thought for sure I'd never have any, much less three.

Give yourself time to adjust before even beginning to ponder having more. You're still getting to know that cutie and she's getting to know you.

I will say this- when my middle child showed up unannounced I knew I was finished. Didn't want to have any more, was going to get my tubes tied. Was adamant about it- argued with anyone who told me I was too young to have it done.

The day before I was scheduled to be induced, I woke up in a panic. I knew that there was something not right with my decison, so I never got them tied.

Three years later- I was pregnant with my youngest. It was tough.

And yes- there are days that I think Oh my gosh, what am I doing-- am I really a mom to these three terrific monsters???? But just as soon as I have that thought, another thought of- yes, my life -- with three monsters-- is complete.

It was like having a party all by myself before them- now the guests of honor have arrived and we are complete.

 

[Nette]

We waffled back and forth a LOT in the first two years of DD's life (now 7yo). Then I got really sick for 2 years and couldn't even think about trying to get pregnant. By the time that was over, I knew I really wanted a second kid, but try as we might no dice. I had all but given up recently. I actually had made an appt with another OB to talk about fertility, but before that appt came around had decided that I STILL didn't want to go to any extreme measures, and that if one kid was what I would have then so be it. I was already pregnant when I saw the fertility guy.

So I guess I'm getting my #2 baby after all... but I'm DEFINITELY done after this little guy... this pregnancy sucks.

 

[cybrkitn]

We have one right now (DS7 almost 8). We've always wanted another one and I was hoping to have another when DS was about 2 so that he would have a sibling closer in age to play with. That never panned out due to work schedules, finances and other things. DS has been talking about a "sister" since he was 3 ("Her can have my blanket, Her can have my markers, etc. ). It was so cute listening to him.

Now DH is 40 and I'm hitting 39 in two months. I've also become a SAHM last June, which opened up a whole lot of school events that I can now help with (and I'm loving it as is DS). So now DH and I have been trying for the next one and hoping that this month is it.

 

[MichelleVW]

I always knew I wanted more than one child, but some people aren't wired that way and there is nothing wrong with it. Just have what you can handle!

I work at a daycare in the infant room and we have 3 month old babies that are left with us from 7 in the morning until 6:30 at night because their parents are busy doing other things. Then they complain about how hard the babies are, but they are with us over 11 hours a day! We have a new baby starting next week who is 2 months old and her mother works from 7:30-4, but has told us that she will leave the baby with us until 6:30 so she can have alone time after work. Uh why did you have the baby then? We have babies that are picked up as soon as their parents are off work and then we have the ones that I feel are "accessory" babies. They are dressed in the trendiest clothes but live their life in daycare because their parents are too busy at happy hour, or the gym or whatever is more important that their babies.

Sorry for the rant OP, and I'm sure you are not one of those kinds of parents, but it just makes us sad at work that some of these babies spend so much time with us. We love our babies, but they should be with their parents if the parents aren't at work.

once again, sorry for the rant

 

[princessmom29]

I think it's funny now...with DD I was so focused on the labor being the hard part. I didn't even think for a second having to take care of her could possibly be this hard on me. I love kids, I'm a children's librarian that does storytime for 0-24 months 3 times a week. It should be easy! lmao How easily I forgot that I decided teaching was not for me because I found that I didn't have the patience to be with kids 9 hours a day. lol

I think part of this for me is realizing that if we do decide to make DD an only it's OK. I think there is such a social push to have at least 2, but the more information I seek and the more moms like you ladies I talk to, the more I see that it is ok. I guess that's all I need right now.

Our stories seem to be so similar. I alos thought that it would be esay for me after DD was born. I have been taknig care of other people's children since I was 12, and have always adored babies. I sould know what to do and be fine. No one told me it is totally differnet when it is your own, and childbirth really does take a huge emotional and physical toll that it takes time to recover from. I was so over confident that i would be fine I told my mom to go home after the delivery. I honestly thought DH and I could tkae care of her by myself for the first week, and have mom come to help me the second. I went home on Monday, and by Wed. I was laying face down on the couch coming to the realization that I was not at all sure I would be able to pick myself up and go to her the next time she cried. I was just phsically to my limit. DH tried his best to help, but bnless his heart, he knows nothing about babies and was terrified to do something wrong, which ment I ended up getting up every time anyway. It ened up taking at least 2 of us alternating nights with no sleep that first 8 weeks or so to make it. DD would cry for hours at a time and someone would have to be up walking her. One day it went on for 12 full hours. I honestly don't know what i would have done without my mom and grandmother to help.

 

[harleyquinn]

Thank you all so much for sharing!!!

I think part of my guilt is that I feel like I should like all of this baby stuff. I really appreciate all the honesty here. Because of my career, I work with a lot of moms and families and they always ask how is everything and isn't babyhood wonderful. I find myself cringing everytime and weighing whether I should be honest or just flippant.

But when I'm honest, most of the time their eyes will light up and they'll say that they remember feeling the same as me.

I feel like a bad mom, because I really just don't like everything right now.

You are all the best! You're making me feel so much better.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We were resigned to one, my dd was 5yo, and so I got working again starting a different path of life and then of course got pregnant.

(Granted my oldest had serious health issues and both of my dd's put me on bedrest, hospitalizations and preterm labor drugs and they were 5 weeks early. Never had a "normal" pregnancy.)

So my dd's are 5yrs apart.

Yea, not a baby person really. I am enjoying my teens even though they drive me bonkers. I am NOT a person that is "sad" they are growing up. I love it.

Just roll with it and quit stressing yourself out.

 

[disneymomofmyca]

I have always only wanted 1 child. I remember when I worked in an office after I had just gotten married, everyone hounded me about only having one child. They all swore that I would surely want more after the first and that I was just too young to know what I wanted...

Well, my DD is 7.5 now and I still am perfectly content with just her. We have this amazing bond and she is truly the love of my life. I know that most moms have wonderful bonds with their children but I think our one on one time makes ours something on a whole different level. I grew up in a large family with 5 sisters and I always saw how spread thin my parents were.

My BFF on the other hand is on her 3rd gorgeous little girl. Even though she spaced them very nicely apart, she always had that "I know I want another" immediatly after giving birth. Now with the 3rd one she seems quite certain that she is finished being pregnant.

I think you just need to listen to your thoughts and what your gut is telling you. I think if you truly are ready for another you will just know. And you may never have that feeling. Having one is just fine