Hateful Comments...say something???

[TerriP]

How do you handle it when family members make hateful comments in your presence? My FIL is a racist and ****-phobe. The last two times DH and I have spent time in his company, he has made comments that infurated me. He has done this occasionally in the past, and I've always let it go and thought to myself "you'll never change him, he is who/what he is...he's not worth it". I know to say something would just cause a big feud and, like I said, I'll never change him. But these last two times (once at Christmas and again last Sunday) the things he said just REALLY infuriated me and there is a part of me that screams inside that I just want to tell him what I think of his cave-man ignorance. Then another part of me thinks it's selfish to even address it...I'd feel better, but what would it really accomplish? It's not like we have children that he's influencing, you know what I mean?

When you have elder family members that say things that are hateful, do you call them on it? Or do you let it go, knowing your argument won't make a bit of difference?

 

[JunieJay]

Hi TerriP! Haven't seen your name by a post in ages, good to see you here (I'm Judi/snoopy reincarnated btw).

My late MIL was racist. Or just ignorant and a product of her upbringing, depending on how you looked at it. I never said anything to her, ever, just vented about it after I was no longer in her company. I have no regrets about keeping my mouth shut....it usually doesn't accomplish anything since the person is so set in their ways nothing will change their behavior. In her case, she was just a bully and thrived on putting people down she deemed inferior to herself. I learned over the years it was probably a way to make herself feel better. Who knows why she did it, but by keeping my cool I always prevented myself from being drug down with her.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

My mom tends to make hateful comments. I will tell her in a respectful way that I disagree with her, then let it go. She always has to get the last word in, but it's not worth the long, drawn out fight that is sure to ensue if I argue. I do, however, speak with my children often about how her opinion is not neccisarily the best way to look at things. My son (12) is very open minded about things in spite of her influence. I hope my daughters will be the same way.

 

[freckles and boo]

I have never been very good at keeping my mouth shut in situations like these. It is tough when you are in someone else's home, but even then you can say that you disagree and insist that the subject be changed. Most bigots just get defensive when you call them on their crap so it often truly is an unwinnable battle. Even so, I think remaining completely silent is dangerous. Racism and hate are dangerous for us all. Those who go unchallenged become even more comfortable with their ideas because they think that if nobody says anything then they must be in agreement. And if my children were around the gloves would be off! Good luck. Old haters rarely change.

 

[TerriP]

Hi TerriP! Haven't seen your name by a post in ages, good to see you here (I'm Judi/snoopy reincarnated btw).

My late MIL was racist. Or just ignorant and a product of her upbringing, depending on how you looked at it. I never said anything to her, ever, just vented about it after I was no longer in her company. I have no regrets about keeping my mouth shut....it usually doesn't accomplish anything since the person is so set in their ways nothing will change their behavior. In her case, she was just a bully and thrived on putting people down she deemed inferior to herself. I learned over the years it was probably a way to make herself feel better. Who knows why she did it, but by keeping my cool I always prevented myself from being drug down with her.

JUDI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome Back!!!

My FIL is very much ignorant and a product of his upbringing, just as you describe. I think you've hit the nail on the head about his need to put others down in order to feel better about himself. I've had countless discussions with MIL about how he treats her...all in order to feel better about himself. I had not thought of it, but I'm sure his comments on race and sexuality are brought about by the same inclination...to feel better by putting others down. How pathetic. I don't know why I didn't make that connection on my own. Probably because I was reacting from anger and not taking the time to really think about it.

So I'm not an awful, terrible, enabler for not calling him on it?????? I kept thinking "Terri, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." But maybe there is NO solution to his problem!

 

[SeaShelley]

Hi TerriP! Haven't seen your name by a post in ages, good to see you here (I'm Judi/snoopy reincarnated btw).

My late MIL was racist. Or just ignorant and a product of her upbringing, depending on how you looked at it. I never said anything to her, ever, just vented about it after I was no longer in her company. I have no regrets about keeping my mouth shut....it usually doesn't accomplish anything since the person is so set in their ways nothing will change their behavior. In her case, she was just a bully and thrived on putting people down she deemed inferior to herself. I learned over the years it was probably a way to make herself feel better. Who knows why she did it, but by keeping my cool I always prevented myself from being drug down with her.

Well said Judi!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

In the past, I have just said that I don't wish to hear such things. I don't try to change their minds, I just ask that in my presence they keep that crap to themselves (in a nice way of course).

 

[mrsv98]

My FIL is a racist and has said things in front of me that are infuriating. I have held my tongue. HOWEVER, I will not tolerate him saying things in front of DD. My 12 yo cousin is bi-racial (adopted) and DD loves her to pieces. If FIL ever says anything racist in front of DD, I WILL say something and let him know it is not acceptable. I refuse to have anything taint DD's relationship with her beloved (2nd)cousin.

 

[kdibattista]

Absolutely call them on it... family, friends... doesn't matter. I feel if I don't speak up then I might as well condone what they are saying. Are they going to change, probably not, but at least I can sleep at night.

 

[CEDmom]

I'd try to change the subject and if that didn't work I'd say I was leaving because I can't tolerate such comments. You might not be able to change him but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it either.

 

[Serena]

I tend to have to leave the room when relatives would get that way. That or I'd change the subject as soon as possible. The ones that know me know I won't listen to it. Some respect me for it, others think I'm stuck up.
I have just learned though it does no good to call them on it. The ones that are hard core on it uses that as an excuse to get louder.

 

[kdm31091]

My mom-mom is very sweet and I love her a lot but she can get mean towards other races. I usually brush it off, but once in awhile I sya something like "You know, there are really nice, hardworking _____ people (of another race)". She usually agrees but she still makes me a little annoyed.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

My ex-stepFIL is REALLY a racist. I couldn't believe the things he'd say, the jokes he'd tell. I didn't feel it was my place to say anything, since he was an in-law and he's considerably older than my MIL, but I'd discussed it many times with my husband. He agreed with me, but would never say anything to either his mother or stepfather. In fact, he'd laugh when SFIL told the jokes. It was so awkward...I didn't know what to do, but I never laughed at the jokes. I think I was the only person sitting there with a stone face, looking out the window or something.

Now, my own uncle, he LOVES to tell me, every time I see him, how much I look like my ugly father (my parents divorced when I was 2 and my father was not well-liked). He loved to say "she's got that big honking nose, just like her father," then he'd talk about how fat I am. The last time I saw him, though, he told me I looked good. Sadly, I didn't get to use the comeback I'd thought of..."I'm fat??? Do we want to discuss your 52-inch waist and three chins?" I'm to the point where I'll say something to him.