Hard headed husband, what would you do?

[DisneyFansInLINY]

In my opinion, which may not be popular these days, it seems like you two are treating the marriage as a business venture w/ his share and your share. Marriage is a partnership and there shouldn't be any his savings and my savings. IT all goes into the same account and it's "OURS" -- if he's not great w/ saving or managing the money then you might need to handle it once it's all lumped together.

Also, it might be a good idea for you and your husband to speak with a financial advisor.

 

[HM]

Frankly, I'm not even sure this one is about money. This is just as easily about time. He'd rather have his time now, and is willing to trade money for it - money that would be used for a vacation later. She'd rather work now in exchange for money, which enables her to spend time at WDW.

If they had one account, they'd still have the same issue - he wants to work a 7.5 hour day, he'll take the offer to go home early. She wants to work a full day, and will take overtime when offered. Nothing about a single account changes the fact that he values time above money - at least when it is money that enables vacations (I'm assuming, since he works, that he is willing to trade time for money when money is paying for rent and groceries).

Yep. Agree with this.

He obviously feels that getting off at the end of the day to do whatever, is more important than working more to save faster (like OP).

OP, you might think about stopping with the overtime too and spend more of your evenings together doing things.

Push your trip way back to a point where you can save for it without overtime, with each of you contributing a set amount at each paycheck toward your vacation (and so on for future travel too).

 

[Auntie Sherry]

Just a little advice. I have been married 30 years and I got married at only 17. I do not have a perfect marriage and still have to work at it. One issue we do not have is money. We have always just shared money nothing separate. I know several people who have separate money and all of them have problems or have divorced. I am sure it does work for some people but it could be something that tears you apart. I go to Disney World just about every year. It is my priority and I make it happen. My husband only comes every few years. I work extra for the trips because it is my passion and I pay for others to come along with me. I have brought my niece and this year I am bringing my husband son and daughter in law. I look at it as It is my addiction and I can either go alone or pay to bring someone. This may not work for you. Everyone is different so this is just to put some ideas out there. Good Luck hope you go and have fun.

 

[LovesTimone]

Normally I would just read this without chiming in. But today I am not.

Marriage is a partnership, you are suppose to be on the same team.
Whether or not you put your money together, you should have the same goals, and a game plan worked out. So that you each knows what is expected.

On the bonus - a bonus is something that is earned above and beyond, with him always going home early how does that figure into his bonus amount?
A bonus is not always a sure thing. So what happens when he doesn't get a bonus or it is not as large as he though it was going to be? So the OP will be left hanging out to dry, and either will have to pony up the money or not go. Doesn't seem fair

Lots of unknowns here? Can he save money for what he wants? but doesn't for what he says he wants to do together?

If she works hard, working overtime, so that they can have the extras, and he doesn't jump in and be part of the team, it will cause resentment , Sometimes you have to read between the lines, this could just be the tip of the iceberg on other issues.

Plan on going alone, and if he comes up with the money great if not you won't be dis-appointed, and still can go and enjoy what you worked so hard for.

I would go see a financial advisor, and maybe a marriage counselor as well, before small things, end up as big things.

 

[Princess Disney Mom]

I'd postpone the trip for a year. If he gets the bonus save that for next year. Get your finances in order first then plan a trip.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[mhfrau]

In my opinion, which may not be popular these days, it seems like you two are treating the marriage as a business venture w/ his share and your share. Marriage is a partnership and there shouldn't be any his savings and my savings. IT all goes into the same account and it's "OURS" -- if he's not great w/ saving or managing the money then you might need to handle it once it's all lumped together.

I guess I'm old fashioned also, because I was confused about "splitting the cost" of the vacation between husband and wife. I know some couples have separate accounts, which I don't get, but whatever works I guess, but I wonder how you live on a day to day basis? Do you each write a separate check for 1/2 the mortgage/rent, utilities, insurance and other bills? What happens when you go out to dinner? Do you ask for separate checks, or do you take turns paying for the other? I'm not trying to sound snarky, but this is fascinating to me!

 

[crisi]

If she works hard, working overtime, so that they can have the extras, and he doesn't jump in and be part of the team, it will cause resentment , Sometimes you have to read between the lines, this could just be the tip of the iceberg on other issues.

And if she pushes him to work more than he wants so she can have extras he really doesn't care to have, that will also cause resentment.

Some people are perfectly happy to spend their lives working part time jobs that pay the rent on a scummy apartment, eat cheap pizzas from Aldis, as long as they can pay for their internet connection and World of Warcraft subscription if that gives them more time to raid. I was married to one (before WoW - but twenty years later, he hasn't changed).

 

[luvmy3]

I would postpone the trip. Then I would set up a joint account for vacation funds. I would contribute to it what I wanted and ask dh to do the same. At the end of a determined amount of time, I'd plan a vacation based on how much was in that fund.
I don't get the split 50/50 thing in a marriage though, I see a couple's finances as theirs not his and hers. If they want to take a vacation then they use "their" finances without worrying about making it a 50/50 split. I wouldn't consider not going on a vacation with my dh because he didn't do the same to save as much as I did, I'd just make what we have collectively saved work for us.

Also, the comment about him needing to grow up and get with the program. Why because his version of saving for the trip is not the same as yours? He seems to have a plan, using his bonus just like you have a plan, working overtime. If you are going to have seperate finances then I don't think its fair to say he needs to get with the (or maybe "your" program), you guys have chosen to do things seperately.

 

[Narnia_girl]

In my opinion, which may not be popular these days, it seems like you two are treating the marriage as a business venture w/ his share and your share. Marriage is a partnership and there shouldn't be any his savings and my savings. IT all goes into the same account and it's "OURS" -- if he's not great w/ saving or managing the money then you might need to handle it once it's all lumped together.

 

[mm1971]

This may be a silly question, not sure if this is a good place to post...I'm not sure if I should book vacation time for Disneyworld in late Oct. My husband and I have been planning a trip. We have agreed to split the price. I have my share. The problem is that we work at the same co in diff depts. I work 8.5 hours per day, sometimes longer if I get stuck on a call. He works 7.5. He is constantly volunteering to go home early. I've asked him not to volunteer to go home. I'm talking to a brick wall, he says it doesn't make a lot of difference. So far money he has saved, zilch. He says he can pay part of the money with a bonus he will get at the end of Oct.

I'm frustrated. I know he wants to go, but he needs to grow up and get with the program. I'd welcome any feedback good, bad or otherwise. I want to show this to him.

Wait a minute........I can make my wife pay for her half? This concept has eluded me. When I got married, her $$ is her money and my money is her $$. Somewhat kidding, but we do have joint accounts and have never looked at it as mine and hers. I know a lot of couples keep finances separate, but doesn't the money belong to both of you regardless of whose account it is in?

Since he seems to be less than perfect at saving and planning finances, may I suggest direct depositing a certain amount from his check directly into a separate account intended for vacation or extra activities. That way the money gets saved and everyone gets used to living on a little less. He wouldn't have to physically save the money, it would be automatic. Otherwise, remind him he made a commitment to save and take this vacation and he is not holding up his end! Start making your reservations and plans without him. Maybe that will kick him into gear.

Update: Called the misses and explained she now has to pay for her half or stay home. I can't really post her response since this is a family friendly board. Let's suffice it to say that I will still be paying for her half of our next vacation.

 

[angierae]

I guess I'm old fashioned also, because I was confused about "splitting the cost" of the vacation between husband and wife. I know some couples have separate accounts, which I don't get, but whatever works I guess, but I wonder how you live on a day to day basis? Do you each write a separate check for 1/2 the mortgage/rent, utilities, insurance and other bills? What happens when you go out to dinner? Do you ask for separate checks, or do you take turns paying for the other? I'm not trying to sound snarky, but this is fascinating to me!

In my marriage, we used to make about the same amount of money, and DH paid all the bills. I get paid 2x a month, so I would write him a check for 1/4 the bills out of each check.

I also do all the grocery shopping, so the 2nd check of the month I would deduct out 1/2 of what I paid for groceries that month. (It really isn't all that complicated, the 1st check was always the same amount, the 2nd check was that amount, minus half the grocery bill.)

Now he makes more than me so I still pay the same as I was paying and he picks up most of the extras - eating out, "date nights", whatever.

If we go on a trip together (like we are later this month) we split the costs, if DD and I go on a trip without him (like we are in October), then I pay for it.

Last month my car needed $300 in unexpected repairs - he paid for it without any discussion because he knew he could cover it without dipping into savings, whereas I would have to use some of our "emergency" fund. That way it got dealt with without eating into savings.

It works fine for us and we've been married for 7 years and together for ten and we don't fight about money.

 

[crisi]

Wait a minute........I can make my wife pay for her half? This concept has eluded me. When I got married, her $$ is her money and my money is her $$. Somewhat kidding, but we do have joint accounts and have never looked at it as mine and hers. I know a lot of couples keep finances separate, but doesn't the money belong to both of you regardless of whose account it is in?

Since he seems to be less than perfect at saving and planning finances, may I suggest direct depositing a certain amount from his check directly into a separate account intended for vacation or extra activities. That way the money gets saved and everyone gets used to living on a little less. He wouldn't have to physically save the money, it would be automatic. Otherwise, remind him he made a commitment to save and take this vacation and he is not holding up his end! Start making your reservations and plans without him. Maybe that will kick him into gear.

Update: Called the misses and explained she now has to pay for her half or stay home. I can't really post her response since this is a family friendly board. Let's suffice it to say that I will still be paying for her half of our next vacation.

My in laws - who are not young - have been together 30 years and have kept their finances separate that whole time. They share household expenses more or less evenly, treat each other quite a bit, but my father in law has hobbies not shared by my mother in law - why should they come out of her small social security income plus the money WE give her (she is my husband's mother - he is his stepfather - I'm not interested in subsidizing cigarettes for my step father in law). And she has hobbies he does not share - why should her hobbies come out of his income - he gets a pension on top of his social security.

Both had jobs, both were divorced when they got together, and my mother in laws children had left the house.

What works for some families does NOT work for other families and can we stop judging the state of someone's marriage based on how many checkbooks are involved.

 

[mm1971]

My in laws - who are not young - have been together 30 years and have kept their finances separate that whole time. They share household expenses more or less evenly, treat each other quite a bit, but my father in law has hobbies not shared by my mother in law - why should they come out of her small social security income plus the money WE give her (she is my husband's mother - he is his stepfather - I'm not interested in subsidizing cigarettes for my step father in law). And she has hobbies he does not share - why should her hobbies come out of his income - he gets a pension on top of his social security.

Both had jobs, both were divorced when they got together, and my mother in laws children had left the house.

What works for some families does NOT work for other families and can we stop judging the state of someone's marriage based on how many checkbooks are involved.

I'm pretty sure there was no judgment in my response, you may have read it wrong. Pretty sure the "somewhat kidding" statement covered that. I went on to provide a suggestion if they so chose to accept it. I did not go into detail or tell OP that what they are doing is not the correct solution for their situation. However, to my point. Your in-laws $$ is shared per your example. Sorry I tried to make a suggestion and have a little fun. I'll try not to offend you in the future.

Pretty sure I didn't even mention their marriage.

 

[jahber]

We share finances in our house (which is good, because I'm a SAHM, so I don't "work"-ha!), but to me a vacation fund is the same whether you have shared or separate finances. When the vacation fund=the cost of your vacation, you're set. I see it as the PPs who likened it to treating your husband to a vacation if you're the only one who made sacrifices and contributed. Personally, I would be probably not be OK with a "gift" that big that, but again, we share everything and aren't in a financial position to give each other gifts that cost thousands of dollars.
What I would most likely do is leave my husband at home. I could never force him to save money for a non-essential, nor would I attempt to guilt him into it. If he doesn't want to save money for a vacation, he must not want to go. So, I'd leave him at home and not feel guilty at all. That might even get him thinking twice about his "saving" plan, if I took the kids on vacation and left him at home .
Good luck no matter what. If you manage to save the money, I hope you treat yourself to a hard-earned trip!

 

[disneycruising]

Wait a minute........I can make my wife pay for her half? This concept has eluded me. When I got married, her $$ is her money and my money is her $$. Somewhat kidding, but we do have joint accounts and have never looked at it as mine and hers. I know a lot of couples keep finances separate, but doesn't the money belong to both of you regardless of whose account it is in?

Since he seems to be less than perfect at saving and planning finances, may I suggest direct depositing a certain amount from his check directly into a separate account intended for vacation or extra activities. That way the money gets saved and everyone gets used to living on a little less. He wouldn't have to physically save the money, it would be automatic. Otherwise, remind him he made a commitment to save and take this vacation and he is not holding up his end! Start making your reservations and plans without him. Maybe that will kick him into gear.

Update: Called the misses and explained she now has to pay for her half or stay home. I can't really post her response since this is a family friendly board. Let's suffice it to say that I will still be paying for her half of our next vacation.

 

[pryncess527]

IMHO, there is a difference between separate accounts and separate finances. Many couples who keep separate accounts still share finances and work together towards common financial goals.

 

[glaserjm]

We don't keep separate finances as it doesn't seem necessary to me, but I don't know if this is so much about where the money is sitting (FYI from a legal standpoint there's no his money/my money....it's all both of your money, doesn't matter whose name is on the account or whose paycheck it comes from...so any attempt to "protect" your money is misguided, but I see it often) as much as it does about common goals.

What it seems like the real issue is the lack of a shared means to achieving a goal and a lack of communication about expectations. While I would say that it would be nice to simply believe him when he says he'll have the money and to just go ahead and book the vacation, I would sit down and have a real conversation about how he expects to achieve it, what deadlines he can meet for having a certain percentage, etc. That will hopefully give you peace of mind.

Good luck and hopefully you're in WDW sooner than later.

 

[bumbershoot]

Glad you found a solution, OP! My own solution was going to be "sounds like he doesn't want to go, here are tips on enjoying a solo trip".

Everyone in a relationship should have some money they aren't accountable to the other person for how its spent - even if you share accounts (how else would my husband buy me jewelry?)

When DH wants to buy me something like that he asks the finance person (me) what money is available for such a thing. And the finance person tells him. And then DH asks what I want, and I usually tell him I don't want jewelry b/c I don't. But sometimes he sees that I want something, asks if the money is available, and if it is then he buys it for me. And that is very fun. Even though I know I'm getting something (and usually what it is, too, since I don't really enjoy surprises).

And, anyone who thinks separate accounts make a difference in a divorce, you'll be surprised when your spouse gets 1/2 of yours and you get 1/2 of theirs. Most divorces are no-fault which means spouses split everything unless one agrees to give up something. You're not protecting anything by keeping separate accounts when married. It's marital property whether it's separate or not.

Doesn't that depend on if you're in a Community Property state, though?

Frankly, I'm not even sure this one is about money. This is just as easily about time. He'd rather have his time now, and is willing to trade money for it - money that would be used for a vacation later. She'd rather work now in exchange for money, which enables her to spend time at WDW.

OH, I bet there's a correlation between the immediate need for time at home and not placing importance on saving money for certain things, though. At least in general.

Wait a minute........I can make my wife pay for her half? This concept has eluded me. When I got married, her $$ is her money and my money is her $$.

Man oh man, I'm lucky; we were merely engaged when now-DH told me that my money is mine and his money is mine! Of course, I haven't had my own earned money since, well, since we were engaged (but way later in the WAY too long engagement), so that's moot now.

 

[Colleen27]

I am glad you found a solution that will work for you, but for me that would not work. I value fairness in a relationship and we had agreed on a financial goal and I had worked the extra hours to get there and he had cut out early from work and not saved a penny, I would not be happy about postponing the trip.

Ditto. The bigger issue here seems to be one of priorities - for the OP, the trip is a priority. For her DH, shorter hours/more down time in the short-term is a higher priority than saving for the trip. Regardless of how they manage their money the issue remains, and I personally would not be pleased with my husband agreeing with my priorities in words only to turn around and reveal his disagreement in his actions. Either disagree up front so we can discuss things and work out a compromise or do what you said you're going to do. Don't take the passive-aggressive route of sabotaging the trip by cutting your hours or not saving for it.

 

[mhfrau]

In my marriage, we used to make about the same amount of money, and DH paid all the bills. I get paid 2x a month, so I would write him a check for 1/4 the bills out of each check.

I also do all the grocery shopping, so the 2nd check of the month I would deduct out 1/2 of what I paid for groceries that month. (It really isn't all that complicated, the 1st check was always the same amount, the 2nd check was that amount, minus half the grocery bill.)

Now he makes more than me so I still pay the same as I was paying and he picks up most of the extras - eating out, "date nights", whatever.

If we go on a trip together (like we are later this month) we split the costs, if DD and I go on a trip without him (like we are in October), then I pay for it.

Last month my car needed $300 in unexpected repairs - he paid for it without any discussion because he knew he could cover it without dipping into savings, whereas I would have to use some of our "emergency" fund. That way it got dealt with without eating into savings.

It works fine for us and we've been married for 7 years and together for ten and we don't fight about money.

Thank you for answering my questions without assuming I was being snarky

I understand better now. I am "blessed" with a husband who would rather not ever have to look at bills, balance a budget or know how much money we have in our accounts. My background is in purchasing, and he is in sales, so I guess it works out better that way for us. Every one in our family thinks it is so funny because I have a big binder that I call "the death book" with detailed instructions and account numbers and everything that is involved with the running of our lives in case I drop dead unexpectedly