Had conference with DD's teacher today...

[DisneyLovingMama]

I met with DD's teacher today to discuss last week's incident and get an overal view of how she's doing.

The positives:

She's off the charts intellectually and academically.
She loves to help out the teacher.

The negatives:
She doesn't listen. It consistently takes 3 or 4 times for the teacher to say something before she will. (I'm experiencing this at home, as well).
The haircutting incident.

So, what do I do? I figured I'd talk to DD tonight, and play up the great grades and smarts. Then, I'd segue to the poor behavior. Explain that she needs to listen and that her teacher and I will be discussing it every week.

Is there anything I can do as an incentive for her? I was thinking of giving her a sticker every night when she's listened to me all night long. But, I know there will probably be times when she forgets. I don't want it to become an overly negative experience. And, I don't want to reward her every time she listens, cause I tell her lots of things!

I figure if I get her to listen better at home, she'll listen better a school. Is that right? Or should I somehow be punishing/rewarding school behavior (keeping in mind that I don't see the teacher every day).

Thanks!

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

I would look into possible reasons why she seems to not be listening. She may not be hearing well, or she may have a problem with auditory processing (where the physical parts of the ear work well but the brain doesn't interpret the signals correctly).

After you are sure everything is working correctly, then you can move into a system of rewards.

One thing I notice about kids who seem to not listen is that they learn it from the environment--or adapt to their environment. If their classroom is noisy, they might not be able to filter out background noise to accomplish a task. At home, there may be conflicting noises from dishwasher, laundry, tv, air conditioner, etc. that keep her from listening. Also, if there is a lot of arguing in a home, the child will learn to tune everything out as a protection mechanism.

Experiment with the environment and make changes where necessary. Teach her to filter out certain noises, and help her adapt to changes that occur in the classroom.

With a little work, I'm sure she'll do great!

 

[mickeyboat]

Has her hearing been tested? The Mystery Machine makes a good point, that I will try to remember at my home, too.

I wonder if there is something or someone in particular that is distracting her at school.

It seems strange that a child who is so interested in helping the teacher would not listen when the teacher told her something. My DD, Hannah, is a pleaser. She loves to help the teacher, and loves to follow her instructions, because she enjoys the praise.

I would also think that the dynamics of your situation at home would be different than dynamics at school. I know my kids listen MUCH better to other people than they do to me - something about that "testing their limits" theory. I think some sort of program to reward listening to school would be more effective than trying to address the problem of listening at home. Seems like two separate problems to me. Did the teacher offer any suggestions?

However, remembering some about your current situation at home, I wonder if she is expressing some of her feelings at school by not listening.

Denae

 

[mickeyboat]

Has her hearing been tested? The Mystery Machine makes a good point, that I will try to remember at my home, too.

I mean Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki, sorry. It wouldn't let me edit.

Denae

 

[SRUAlmn]

You actually sound like you're describing me when I was younger. How old is she? From a person who has been there...she's bored. It sounds like she is gifted and she is bored in a regular classroom. I would get notes home all the time that I was talking in class or passing notes or not paying attention and it's because I was bored. I was way ahead of the rest of the kids and the things the teacher was covering were things I already knew so I stopped paying attention. Not sure if this is the case for your DD, but it sure sounds similar

 

[mickeyboat]

You actually sound like you're describing me when I was younger. How old is she? From a person who has been there...she's bored. It sounds like she is gifted and she is bored in a regular classroom. I would get notes home all the time that I was talking in class or passing notes or not paying attention and it's because I was bored. I was way ahead of the rest of the kids and the things the teacher was covering were things I already knew so I stopped paying attention. Not sure if this is the case for your DD, but it sure sounds similar

I agree with you to a certain point. But if I am not mistaken, this child is 5 and in Kindergarten. She probably isn't chained to a desk all day being fed information, she is probably learning through play. My DD already knows every math skill scheduled to be taught in K this year, but she still raves about school, she participates, she listens, she really enjoys it. I really don't think she sees school as a place to learn, I think she sees it as a place to play. Does that make sense?

Denae

 

[mudnuri]

how many other kids that are 5 and in kindergarten are in the same boat as your DD?

I dont think the reward for "listening all night long" will work- heck my girls are almost 8 and 9 and they still dont listen to everything I tell them.

Neither of mine listened 100% at school in kindergarten either...they were too absorbed in playing.

Brandy

 

[Toby'sFriend]

She sounds like a perfectly normal little girl to me.

 

[Frantasmic]

When you say "listening," do you really mean "minding?" My 11 year old can hear perfectly normal. However, because we the parents let her get away with "just one second" while growing up, she has developed a bad habit of not doing what we ask her when we ask her. HER priorities have become more important to her because we allowed that.

If it really is listening (she forgets to turn in an assignment, she doesn't follow the directions and gets a lower score on a test, etc.), then do get her hearing check.

If it really is an obedience issue, then the parent has to change as well.

I'm not one where the family is in goosestep obedience to the parents, so please don't get me wrong. I'm talking about asking your child to put away her clothes and she/he says yes, with no intention of doing it. She is simply ignoring what we are saying.

So, now, when I ask my daughter to set the table or get her clothes/shoes out of the family room and she is reading and says, just one second, I firmly tell her no, she needs to do it now, while we are both focused on the problem.

My wife complains that the kids don't listen, when it really is that we have let them get away with not obeying us.

 

[snoopy]

She sounds normal to me too, but I think you are smart to get a heads up with the teacher given the circumstances at home. I assume you shared that on a high level with the teacher, right? If not, perhaps you should consider doing so, it will help the teacher in dealing with your DD.

At this point, I would probably praise my DD for all the things she is doing right, and downplay the negatives. If however it becomes more of a problem, then I would address the not-listening a bit more seriously.

 

[disneygals]

I would say that it is early in the school year and just don't worry about it and see what happens. (after you've ruled out anything physical).
Unless a child had done something horrible or has consistent behavioral problems at school, let the teacher handle it. She's in Kindergarten!

 

[ElizaB39]

Until last year (5th grade) my DD had issues with calling out and being loud in class. Some of it was her social awkwardness, some of it was her personality. She wasn't always loud, but enough that we developed a reward/take away goodies system. Now in the past two years we have discontinued this system and sheis doing just fine on her own. A lotof it is maturity, in my own experience.

When she was in K and 1st, her teachers used a red, yellow green light system. I would draw little green circles (using washable green amrkers) on the inside of her wrist to remind her to try and get a green light (and thus TV that night) each day. DIdn't always work, but it was "hidden" under the sleeve of her shirt so others couldn't see it and it did help.

Good luck, don't stress too much, sounds like she is a normal kid.

 

[mudnuri]

She sounds normal to me too, but I think you are smart to get a heads up with the teacher given the circumstances at home. I assume you shared that on a high level with the teacher, right? If not, perhaps you should consider doing so, it will help the teacher in dealing with your DD.

OH boy do I agree with this! When my X and I seperated last April, before I actually moved, I went in and met with both of my DD's teachers, and just explained the circumstances of what was going on at home. I certainly did not give them the details, but I let them know that we were seperating, but were trying to keep the girls lives as normal as possible. If I remember from the OP's post before, her circumstance with her husband is a totally different ball game with what I dealt with, but you CERTAINLY need to let your DD's teachers know whats going on at home

Brandy

 

[robsmom]

DS's 1st grade teacher has a stop light program in which they get a color for the day. They start at green, get one warning, then move to yellow, orange and red. Yellow - stop and think about your actions, Orange - think about how you are impacting others around you and Red - stop and understand why you are disrupting the class. (or something like that). The 1st day she did this ds got an orange. He had to color in that day on a calander in orange. DS has some attention issues so I pretty much knew I need to nip this in the bud. The teachers explaination of the program encouraged us to reward green days so i "bribed" my kid. Not embarassed to admit that. For 5 greens in a week he gets to pick something on the weekend. The 1st week he got to pick a new gameboy game (can't afford that each week) but other weeks he can pick an activity like bowling/movie or breakfast at McD's. So far so good. He has been green for all but that 1st day. Every night we discuss his color and if he had any warnings. He usually tells me who was yellow or red and i try to get him to discuss what they did wrong and why that was not good. In the morning instead of have a nice day we now tell each other to have a green day!

 

[WDWMom]

I would look into possible reasons why she seems to not be listening. She may not be hearing well, or she may have a problem with auditory processing (where the physical parts of the ear work well but the brain doesn't interpret the signals correctly).

My son has this. It's called APD - auditory processing disorder. He has problems when given more than one task at a time. Not just one. So if she isn't doing just one thing, I doubt that is it. But if you/teacher are giving her multiple jobs, it could be the problem. Or she just may be bored. When DD was in kindergarten, she knew everything they wanted her to know in Nov. The teacher had to set up tougher things for her to do. I doubt she was the only one. At 5 kids are all over the spectrum.

Hope this helps.

 

[Independent]

I have to agree with SRUAlmn..it sounds like she is very gifted and might be bored. Combine that with the stresses you are currently facing and it would be a miracle if there wasn't some negative behavior.

The fact that the teacher mentioned that she was off the charts academically and intellectually should start you wondering and the fact that she gravitates towards the adults should give you a second clue. Gifted kids often do not know how to relate to their peers as their brains work differently, so they tend to seek out the adults in their life.

My DD was extremely gifted. Also off the charts in kindergarten. The simple learning through play that is typical of Kindergarten were boring to her. Gifted children don't reason the same as their peers - they think things through on a more adult level, so sometimes peer level play is babyish to them. Real gifted kids (not just exceptionally smart ones) tend to gravitate to adults. Our DD didn't listen, disrupted the class, etc. When speaking to a private psychologist, we learned that many gifted children are often labled as ADD because they are so bored they seem distracted. After being tested and provided materials that kept her interested and busy AND social skills groups - my DD is now a popular senior in HS - going to the local university for her classes.

I would ask to speak to the school psychologist for two reasons. Ask to have your daughter tested to see if the school needs to supplement her education and also confide in the stresses your daughter has faced this year. It could be a very confusing time for your daughter and she may need some counseling to help her cope with both her giftedness and her other situations.

Here is a link to a web page about supporting the emotional needs of a gifted child:
http://www.sengifted.org/

 

[ahutton]

As a quick tool, and something we've been doing that is working with our very smart but strong willed K student...

When we give her directions, we ask she repeat back to us what she is being asked to do. Then we know she is understanding the series of directions given.

We've been told she is brilliant, and has a strong desire to please, but has a little difficulty putting together series of things. She can read the words in a story to you but can't always tell you what happened in what she read. She's getting some extra help, and were it not for her being in an outstanding school this might never have been captured. Ironically, I was considered very bright, but always had trouble with reading comprehension. Because of my other abilities it was considered "my own interpretation" and my DD is considered "highly social" but it is more than that.

Anyhow - that little piece may help clarify for everyone does she understand what she is being asked to do. It is hard, and takes lots of patience but is working for us.

 

[puffkin]

You actually sound like you're describing me when I was younger. How old is she? From a person who has been there...she's bored. It sounds like she is gifted and she is bored in a regular classroom. I would get notes home all the time that I was talking in class or passing notes or not paying attention and it's because I was bored. I was way ahead of the rest of the kids and the things the teacher was covering were things I already knew so I stopped paying attention. Not sure if this is the case for your DD, but it sure sounds similar

Me too! This was me to a "T".

To the OP, when I read your post, my first thought was your DD is bored. See if the teacher can give her some enrichment projects to work on, for instance maybe a more indepth study into the topic they are studying. I had lots of enrichment programs assigned to keep me busy in math and reading, and I even got computer time to keep me out of trouble (back in the 80's when computers were not in the classroom and the school only had a few). Just make sure that the teacher doesn't just assign extra work. I had one teacher assign me double the math problems, she didn't get that I was bored because I knew how to do them and needed something more challenging not just extra work.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

Thanks for all the advice.

I did share with the teacher what's going on, on a very, very high level. I don't want her coddling DD - just keep things "normal."

I do think it's more "not minding" than "not listening." Her ears were checked at her last physical and she was fine.

For example, I'll tell her to sit down. She'll go near the couch, but won't sit. I don't think it defiance, necessarily. She's antsy and the last thing she was to do is relax. So, I'll tell her again and she'll lean against the couch. Again, and she'll get her butt up on it a little -- all the while engrossed in TV or singing or trying to tell me a story. Finally, I turn off the TV (or whatever), tell her again, and she'll sit.

However, she loves to help me clean and do things with me. She helps with the dogs, begs to clean the windows and tables, sets the tables, etc. But, if she doesn't want to do something - look out and be prepared to say it 4 or 5 times.

Oh, and I was suprised about how well she was doing academically. I was afraid she might have a learning disability since she keeps writing the first letter of her last name backwards. The teacher laughed and said that most of the kids can't even write their first names yet. That made me feel better. This mothering stuff is tough!

 

[LvsTnk]

I know this is not a laughing matter and my heart goes out to you, but I had to chuckle when you were talking about the reward sticker thing.

My DS who by the way is doing very well in college now was such a stinker, but managed to earn himself a very valuable comic card collection. DH went over the cards with him and I just couldn't believe it.

Not going to offer any advice you've gotten great advice already, but it does get better!