Guests Vent!

[lfama]

Does anyone else aside from me have a guest situation where other people are telling you who you should invite? I'm having an Escape wedding, which means 18 guests max; I have room for 5 more people but we already have everyone we want. Now my mother wants me to invite her friends (who are close family friends, but not super close) because they really want to come, my dad wants me to invite my godparents/his aunt and uncle (who I NEVER EVER speak to, they don't even send me birthday or Christmas cards!), and my future MIL I think just wants to invite everyone she knows, she keeps asking if we can invite her friends who DF doesn't really know and I've never met (and then, added bonus which drives me nuts, she says "WE should invite soandso" this is not WE you, me, and DF getting married here, you're a guest, too!) I yell at my parents and tell them no, we're not inviting these people, end of story. DF doesn't want these people coming, either, yet tells his mom "ok, if we have room we can have these people!" Uh, no. No we can't. Invite them, but I don't know whose wedding they're going to because it isn't going to be mine. All I want is my Escape wedding, with my family and DF's mom and his two best friends. Not people who we rarely speak to or worse, have never even met, that would just be awkward and take away from the intimacy of the entire wedding. Just bc we can have 18 guests doesn't mean we should have 18 guests! Plus then we'd have to pay for extra people at the DP and at dinner, and I am for sure not paying for them. I feel like a Bridezilla!

How do you guys overcome/tolerate something this?! And please feel free to use this thread to vent if you have any similar experiences.

 

[princess22]

I think you and DF need to sit down and have a tough discussion. Don't get upset about it, just talk. Let him know that you guys decided to make this an intimate experience and that your guest list is set. If your parents can't add people neither can his mom. He is going to have to stand up to his mom and say "No, you can't invite anyone else. We are paying for this wedding and it's our wedding" Trust me, I've gone through a similar experience (not about the wedding, but DF taking my side over his moms) and it's hard for the guys to stand up to their moms. But let him know that from now on it's you and him, he has to be on your side from now on!

 

[lfama]

I think you and DF need to sit down and have a tough discussion. Don't get upset about it, just talk. Let him know that you guys decided to make this an intimate experience and that your guest list is set. If your parents can't add people neither can his mom. He is going to have to stand up to his mom and say "No, you can't invite anyone else. We are paying for this wedding and it's our wedding" Trust me, I've gone through a similar experience (not about the wedding, but DF taking my side over his moms) and it's hard for the guys to stand up to their moms. But let him know that from now on it's you and him, he has to be on your side from now on!

He does it behind my back! He tells me one thing but he tells his mom something entirely different. It's almost amusing, but when these people show up to my wedding and I ask who the heck they are, not so much. It's very difficult when your soon to be husband is a super mama's boy! I know this is only the beginning! I'm going to try talking to him again, hopefully this time he grows something all men should have and tells his mom how it's going to be!

Thanks for the advice!

 

[malibustacey]

I had something sort of similar the other day. My step mum phone me and said that she thinks i should send my grandparents a invite (even though they are not going) and i explained to her that NONE of the grandparents are being invited because 1-they are old. 2- i dont think they could travel that far. 3- its too much to expect them to be able to afford to go. She said to me, well you should go out and buy a cheap card to invite them just so you dont get moaned at her for the rest of your life for not even inviting her! i understand where she is coming from where i will never hear the last of it if i dont send her one, but why should i make an execption for them and not the others?

Well i have decided i will send them a normal plain card instead telling them of the wedding and a little note to say that i dont expect them to go ect but i hate it when people (especially my step mum) tells me who to invite?!??

One of my guests (my aunt) told my mum that her step daughter and boyfriend want to come to the wedding too and i said to my mum, well they cannot because we cannot afford for them to come - plus i havent even met the boyfriend and Wayne hasnt met them full stop.

Unless the parents are helping out with paying for the wedding, i think it should be ONLY the bride and grooms decision of who they want to invite to the wedding. I can understand if the parents have put money towards it and want a few of their friends to come, but when people just randomly start telling you who to invite then youre like 'W T F !!??'.

Its very hard for a guy to say no to his mum and most of the time they would go on their mums side over yours because they simply dont want to hurt their mums feelings, but they need to understand that they need to realise what you are feeling and what your thoughts are- its yours and his wedding, not his mums, not anyones. One of the main reasons why we are getting married in Disney is because then we have the excuse of not inviting anyone and everyone. In the UK, it seems like if you have a wedding in the UK, it means you have to invite everyone you have ever know and that includes that person you once met at that bbq and the lady in the supermarket (hah!) and with our wedding we only want the people who mean the most to us and who will be there for us when we are married.

You have whoever you want at your wedding and dont let other people try to tell you who to invite. It does mean being stubborn, but people need to be put in thier place!

Sorry i sound like im bridezilla too....i am fresh from my step mum telling me who to invite and i just want you to be happy and have the wedding you want

 

[Sarah <3 Disney]

I think you should send any extra invites to board members, so we know where to get some free cake! Juuuuust kidding... but it would be hilarious. Just say, you "reconnected" with some old friends!

 

[lurkyloo]

I would tell both sets of family that if they want extra people invited, they will have to pay the difference between an Escape wedding and a Wishes wedding (including promising to fill a certain number of hotel rooms nights at Disney) and then show them how much that would cost.

That should shut them up!

 

[lfama]

I had something sort of similar the other day. My step mum phone me and said that she thinks i should send my grandparents a invite (even though they are not going) and i explained to her that NONE of the grandparents are being invited because 1-they are old. 2- i dont think they could travel that far. 3- its too much to expect them to be able to afford to go. She said to me, well you should go out and buy a cheap card to invite them just so you dont get moaned at her for the rest of your life for not even inviting her! i understand where she is coming from where i will never hear the last of it if i dont send her one, but why should i make an execption for them and not the others?

Well i have decided i will send them a normal plain card instead telling them of the wedding and a little note to say that i dont expect them to go ect but i hate it when people (especially my step mum) tells me who to invite?!??

One of my guests (my aunt) told my mum that her step daughter and boyfriend want to come to the wedding too and i said to my mum, well they cannot because we cannot afford for them to come - plus i havent even met the boyfriend and Wayne hasnt met them full stop.

Unless the parents are helping out with paying for the wedding, i think it should be ONLY the bride and grooms decision of who they want to invite to the wedding. I can understand if the parents have put money towards it and want a few of their friends to come, but when people just randomly start telling you who to invite then youre like 'W T F !!??'.

Its very hard for a guy to say no to his mum and most of the time they would go on their mums side over yours because they simply dont want to hurt their mums feelings, but they need to understand that they need to realise what you are feeling and what your thoughts are- its yours and his wedding, not his mums, not anyones. One of the main reasons why we are getting married in Disney is because then we have the excuse of not inviting anyone and everyone. In the UK, it seems like if you have a wedding in the UK, it means you have to invite everyone you have ever know and that includes that person you once met at that bbq and the lady in the supermarket (hah!) and with our wedding we only want the people who mean the most to us and who will be there for us when we are married.

You have whoever you want at your wedding and dont let other people try to tell you who to invite. It does mean being stubborn, but people need to be put in thier place!

Sorry i sound like im bridezilla too....i am fresh from my step mum telling me who to invite and i just want you to be happy and have the wedding you want

Sorry that you went through something similar! It's definitely not fun to have people telling you who they want to invite! And I know what you mean about having to invite everyone you know, that's also a reason why we're having it in Disney, it's the same in NY!

If my parents were paying for the whole wedding, I'd tell them they could invite people if they wanted. They're paying for the honeymoon and DF's mom is *maybe* paying for dinner afterwards (that's a whole other story - she kept insisting on paying for the rehearsal dinner after we told her 100 times that we weren't having a rehearsal, so we told her just pay for the dinner after the wedding, it's the same thing, and she fought us on it because she said it would be way more expensive, despite it being the same amount of people and a cheaper restaurant! She wanted the rehearsal at V&A, which would have been significantly more expensive than where we want our reception dinner! Sorry to get sidetracked, lots of frustration here ) but I know if dinner comes out to more than expected, DF and I are going to have to put in some money toward dinner and I am still counting it in the budget bc I'm not so sure we can even rely on her. The bottom line is that we're paying for the majority of our wedding and it's OUR wedding, we only get it once, and my parents already had their wedding and DF's mom already had hers, so why can't we do things the way WE want to do them?

You're right, though, I need to just tell everyone like it is! Now I am starting to understand those crazy brides who are over the top controlling and yell a lot.

I think you should send any extra invites to board members, so we know where to get some free cake! Juuuuust kidding... but it would be hilarious. Just say, you "reconnected" with some old friends!

I would do something like that! I would definitely just be like ok you guys wanted to invite everyone you know, I'll just invite strangers! I'll get on the monorail in Disney and ask who wants to come to our DP!

 

[gemmybear83]

I would tell both sets of family that if they want extra people invited, they will have to pay the difference between an Escape wedding and a Wishes wedding (including promising to fill a certain number of hotel rooms nights at Disney) and then show them how much that would cost.

That should shut them up!

Thats exactly what we did

Were paying for the wedding ourselves to avoid any family disputes

 

[lfama]

I would tell both sets of family that if they want extra people invited, they will have to pay the difference between an Escape wedding and a Wishes wedding (including promising to fill a certain number of hotel rooms nights at Disney) and then show them how much that would cost.

That should shut them up!

That's an awesome idea!!! I think I am going to do this!

 

[Pirate's Princess]

I think most of us are in similar situations....escape wedding or not. Even with a Wishes wedding, DF and I want a small wedding. FMIL thinks it's going to be: Everyone is invited, and if you can afford to come, you come. And it's definitely not that way. Even my parents, who are paying for the wedding, are being very understanding in the fact we only want a certain amount of people: not extended family, family friends or whatnot. Even though my mom's friends thought they'd be invited, she politely explained we were just going to have a very small wedding. I do like her friends, but there's like 10 of them, and we don't even want to invite all our aunts and uncles.

Another idea is to have a small home party/reception thing afterward and invite more people. That's what we're doing, to allow those who couldn't make it (ie. not invited) to come and celebrate with us.

I mean there are some people on my side I'd like to be there, but I'd rather save the money and have it small and intimate.

 

[pezaddict231]

you're definitely not alone. We're having guest list issues and we haven't even officially announced that we're having a DFTW ! We're having it at Disney to avoid having to invite 200 people. We have a pretty big guest list as is (75), which is close family and friends. Yesterday DF told me he was talking to his mom, and she said that his dad might get offended if we are inviting DF's cousins on his mom's side but not his dad's. Now, she wasn't trying to impose, FMIL and FFIL are separated, so she is just trying to avoid issues. But DF's cousins on FMIL's side we see several times a year, they have seen us through our entire relationship. The cousins on FFIL's side, I've never even met (DF and I have been together over 6 years!). He has not seen them in many many years. They never talk or even send a card. Plus they are all older and have children, so we're not just talking about one or two people here. We are also paying for the wedding ourselves, so the people we pay for to be there should be the people we really want there. I also feel like it's OUR wedding and I don't want to invite people out of obligation.

I guess we will see if FFIL is going to help out with the wedding at all and if he is, we can revisit it.

Don't feel like a Bridezilla. It is not being a Bridezilla to stick to what you want for your wedding and not listen to other people's opinions. Now, if you throw things at them for voicing those opinions, that might be Bridezilla...

 

[BecBennett]

FMIL thinks it's going to be: Everyone is invited, and if you can afford to come, you come. And it's definitely not that way.

That's exactly what my FMIL is like! She gets all excited telling me that friends of hers have somewhere to stay in Florida, so they'll be able to make it to the wedding, and she expects me to get excited as well because we'll have more guests!

She doesn't seem to understand that I don't want more guests, 2/3 of the people on our guest list are only invited because I know they wont be able to make it!

I'd like less then 30 people if possible. 18 would be great because we could change to an escape wedding.

I feel reminded of the scene from father of the bride where they're discussing the guest list, - by all means anyone who want's to can go to the ceremony, but the reception is limited!

 

[sbsteel]

I had something sort of similar the other day. My step mum phone me and said that she thinks i should send my grandparents a invite (even though they are not going) and i explained to her that NONE of the grandparents are being invited because 1-they are old. 2- i dont think they could travel that far. 3- its too much to expect them to be able to afford to go. She said to me, well you should go out and buy a cheap card to invite them just so you dont get moaned at her for the rest of your life for not even inviting her! i understand where she is coming from where i will never hear the last of it if i dont send her one, but why should i make an execption for them and not the others?

Well i have decided i will send them a normal plain card instead telling them of the wedding and a little note to say that i dont expect them to go ect but i hate it when people (especially my step mum) tells me who to invite?!??

One of my guests (my aunt) told my mum that her step daughter and boyfriend want to come to the wedding too and i said to my mum, well they cannot because we cannot afford for them to come - plus i havent even met the boyfriend and Wayne hasnt met them full stop.

Unless the parents are helping out with paying for the wedding, i think it should be ONLY the bride and grooms decision of who they want to invite to the wedding. I can understand if the parents have put money towards it and want a few of their friends to come, but when people just randomly start telling you who to invite then youre like 'W T F !!??'.

Its very hard for a guy to say no to his mum and most of the time they would go on their mums side over yours because they simply dont want to hurt their mums feelings, but they need to understand that they need to realise what you are feeling and what your thoughts are- its yours and his wedding, not his mums, not anyones. One of the main reasons why we are getting married in Disney is because then we have the excuse of not inviting anyone and everyone. In the UK, it seems like if you have a wedding in the UK, it means you have to invite everyone you have ever know and that includes that person you once met at that bbq and the lady in the supermarket (hah!) and with our wedding we only want the people who mean the most to us and who will be there for us when we are married.

You have whoever you want at your wedding and dont let other people try to tell you who to invite. It does mean being stubborn, but people need to be put in thier place!

Sorry i sound like im bridezilla too....i am fresh from my step mum telling me who to invite and i just want you to be happy and have the wedding you want

I hope once you cool off from the conversation with your step-mum, you'll reconsider what you wrote about your grandparents. Even though you know they won't come, you should send them an invitation. I'm sure they would feel very slighted if they received a plain card telling them about the wedding with your assumption of them not attending instead of receiving an invitation that they can decline themselves. It's the principle of the matter, I hope you realize thatn - they're not going to be around forever.

 

[aduck126]

I can understand this. My df family is also just like showing up and I keep saying that we have a limit but nobody seems to understand this. People are rude. I have even had people in my family call up my mother and yell at her because they are not invited.

I am being very firm with everyone. My DF family has said to me "its okay if this cousin shows up right?" and my response is "absolutley not, this wedding is personal family and friends only. If we start inviting one cousin the other 5 cousins will be hurt and want to come as well. We have a limit and we are sticking to it."

I actually have people that we did not invite that are planning their Disney vacation the week that our wedding is and are just planning on showing up. How rude is that??

 

[IrishLily]

This is hilarious, bc I'm going through the same thing. Obviously guest count is directly correlated with cost. I had made the guest list last year. I had DF look over it, he added some, and that was it. Well, I have learned never to have your DF be the last say in who is and is not invited. As time went on he kept adding to the list these "important" people that we couldn't possibly leave off (both friends and family)...and the guest count just kept climbing! I finally said enough is enough. My parents are only paying up to a certain point, and then it's on us. We don't have enough money to cover any more guests, which is something he just thinks "will work itself out". After asking his mother for addresses of the guests, she started asking if we invited all these other people. Ugh! I realize that some of the guests she said "probably won't come", but I can't pay for those who do, so it has to be a definite NO! I told DF that if the people she added end up coming it will have to be on her dime, as my parents certainly won't pay for it, and we can't afford to.

I've also had a horrible experience in inviting a family (They have triplets and a 22 year old that is moved out of the house and living with his girlfriend). I'm pretty sure it's proper etiquette that when you're invited as a family, it means those living with you. A separate invitation would then have to be sent to the other family member if they were invited. Well, this guest decided to take the invite and extend it to her son and his girlfriend (and the girlfriend we have never met). This makes me so angry, but my mom didn't feel comfortable telling them no. So instead of having another of DF or my friends attend the wedding, there will be two people who were not invited.

Sometimes venting makes everything better I'm sure everything will work out in the end. I'm moving on, and I'm not stressing out until I get RSVPs back. Then we can work out the budget.

 

[Wish on a Star]

My dad is doing the same thing to my sister's wedding. He just invited the woman who cuts our hair! And my sister is really getting frustrated because he gave her a very strict budget and although he continues to add people he does not add any money, (she really wants to use any leftover money for a honeymoon). But yet he justifies it by saying that he is paying for the wedding.

I have suggested that my sister have a meeting about it, even if you talk about the problem of budget and have him give her the suggestion of cutting the guest list.

 

[JEmaryland]

I had something sort of similar the other day. My step mum phone me and said that she thinks i should send my grandparents a invite (even though they are not going) and i explained to her that NONE of the grandparents are being invited because 1-they are old. 2- i dont think they could travel that far. 3- its too much to expect them to be able to afford to go. She said to me, well you should go out and buy a cheap card to invite them just so you dont get moaned at her for the rest of your life for not even inviting her! i understand where she is coming from where i will never hear the last of it if i dont send her one, but why should i make an execption for them and not the others?

Well i have decided i will send them a normal plain card instead telling them of the wedding and a little note to say that i dont expect them to go ect but i hate it when people (especially my step mum) tells me who to invite?!??

One of my guests (my aunt) told my mum that her step daughter and boyfriend want to come to the wedding too and i said to my mum, well they cannot because we cannot afford for them to come - plus i havent even met the boyfriend and Wayne hasnt met them full stop.

Unless the parents are helping out with paying for the wedding, i think it should be ONLY the bride and grooms decision of who they want to invite to the wedding. I can understand if the parents have put money towards it and want a few of their friends to come, but when people just randomly start telling you who to invite then youre like 'W T F !!??'.

Its very hard for a guy to say no to his mum and most of the time they would go on their mums side over yours because they simply dont want to hurt their mums feelings, but they need to understand that they need to realise what you are feeling and what your thoughts are- its yours and his wedding, not his mums, not anyones. One of the main reasons why we are getting married in Disney is because then we have the excuse of not inviting anyone and everyone. In the UK, it seems like if you have a wedding in the UK, it means you have to invite everyone you have ever know and that includes that person you once met at that bbq and the lady in the supermarket (hah!) and with our wedding we only want the people who mean the most to us and who will be there for us when we are married.

You have whoever you want at your wedding and dont let other people try to tell you who to invite. It does mean being stubborn, but people need to be put in thier place!

Sorry i sound like im bridezilla too....i am fresh from my step mum telling me who to invite and i just want you to be happy and have the wedding you want

I wish my grandparents had been around to be invited to my wedding.

 

[AlternateEgo]

I wish my grandparents had been around to be invited to my wedding.

I know, I feel the same way

My grandparents on boths sides have passed away, but I have a 90 year old great grandma. She told me she couldn't make it to the wedding, but enjoyed the lovely invitation.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I can understand this. My df family is also just like showing up and I keep saying that we have a limit but nobody seems to understand this. People are rude. I have even had people in my family call up my mother and yell at her because they are not invited.

I am being very firm with everyone. My DF family has said to me "its okay if this cousin shows up right?" and my response is "absolutley not, this wedding is personal family and friends only. If we start inviting one cousin the other 5 cousins will be hurt and want to come as well. We have a limit and we are sticking to it."

I actually have people that we did not invite that are planning their Disney vacation the week that our wedding is and are just planning on showing up. How rude is that??

I am considering doing something for our 10th anniversary next year at DisneyWorld and your post got my attention.

Yes, we DID have un-invited guests show up at our Disneyland wedding. The Disney people handled it so well. They even served up a child's meal without me even knowing, so that it appeared to all of our guests that it was planned all along. We had some credits coming (we paid for microphones but they never showed up, etc.) so they used that to cover the additional people. How they made room and added a table, I'll never know. Disney magic!

 

[CharacterFan]

I'm going to preface my response with my dad is paying for my wedding.

He at first gave me a list of 20 or so people he wanted to invite. I explained that I didn't know 1/2 the people on this list and that the locations I liked wouldn't hold everyone plus his list. He gave me his top 5 and then a backup 5 if they can't come or if we have space.

Also, I had planned on inviting my grandmother (my dad's mom), but he's told me not to. She'll be 93 next year, and he doesn't think she'll want to tavel. Although, she does drive to NC every 6 weeks so I'm not sure why FL is so different. I understand not invinting grandparents, most don't like to travel. It's why we're not inviting DFi's grandparents. They don't travel unless a Cat. 4 hurricane is headed for their beach house.