Guest List Etiquette

[mlegerto]

Hi DisBoards,

DF and I are in the midst of planning our wedding here in Toronto Ontario and our Disneymoon for shortly afterwards.

I have spent countless hours on here reading a ton of Wedding PJ's and Disneymoon TR's for some inspiration and ideas.

We recently came into a bit of a situation that I am not sure how to handle and cannot find any great solutions through web searching so I thought I would come here and see if anyone has any opinions on the matter.

My concern is about guest list etiquette and if I have to invite a certain dear friend's girlfriend. I know this sounds like a super silly question to pose, but there is quite a lot of back story, so here goes nothing.

On of my dear friends was previously dating this girl. She was okay, we had not problems with her she just wasn't very social so we never really got to know her, but did not make any issues or problems of her coming out. After about 3 years of dating, we realized that she was treating him terribly. She was rude to him and said a lot of things about him/to him that upset me so I can only imagine they upset him - since dear friend is a guy, it's hard to get any real emotions out of him haha.

Anyways, we go on an annual camping trip with our group of friends and 2 years ago these two got into a huge fight (for example throwing dishware at him as he walked out the front door) which led to him coming and her not. She wishes nothing but bad mojo on him for the camping trip, which must have jinked him because he ended up getting pretty injured during the trip. When we returned, everything he had owned was tossed on their front lawn (including expensive items like a TV, snowboard ect). As a group of friends, we all came together, helped him pack everything up and DF and I ended up bring him home with us.

Now during this time, our friend was in a bit of a slump - no job, debt to be paid, family spread out, ect, so we did what any good friend would do and put a roof over his head for just over 1 year. During this time, we wanted him to get back on his feet and be able to recover from his injury.

About a year ago, DF and I bought our first house and moved. Friend decided that he had had enough time to get back on his feet so he elected not to move with us - of course we offered as we were not willing to throw our friend to the curb.

Anyways....eventually over the last year we heard rumors that dear friend was seeing this girl again. About 3 months ago, it was confirmed that they were in fact dating again. Now I forgot to mention that once they broke up and friend was living with us, he told us all of the dirt and mean things that ex girlfriend had said about us - all of which I thought was uncalled.

The annual camping trip came this year and who shows up....dear friend and now current girlfriend. girlfriend does not say anything to me during the trip and we just avoid each other as obviously I did not forget the awful things she said about me and my group of friends nor the things that she did which led to dear friend living with us for a year.

Now that we are planning the wedding...I have overheard from a few different friends that dear friend has made comments about bringing now current girlfriend as his plus one to our wedding. Obviously, I am not in agreement with this for two reasons;

1 - she has never been a very nice person to me and I cannot just forget all of the uncalled things she said about me/us (it's not like me and her were fighting at any point). In addition, its like its expected that I should just forget everything that happened (including changing my life style to help my friend) and welcome her without her ever saying / apologizing to me. I get that dear friend and her have worked this out, that's great for them. I wish nothing but happiness for my friend and I would never try to come between that, but bringing her to my wedding that's messing my with happiness.

2 - we are planning on a smaller wedding. Our guest list can only have a maximum of 120 people and I know this doesn't sound that small, but DF is Italian and there are some relatives that we are not inviting due to the maximum. I don't feel as though it would be right to invite this current girlfriend and cut some relatives when I don't even care for this person.

Now, dear friend and I are pretty close, but he is a bit touchy about girlfriend because I guess he is trying to get everyone to welcome her (hence the showing up at camping I guess). Most people in our group have kind of "moved on" (I guess) and are just acting like shes not really around or whatever, but none of these people had to literally open their doors and take care of dear friend when he is homeless and injured so I feel like they don't understand it the same way as I do. Again as I said, i do not wish for them to break up or whatever because I want dear friend to be happy. I just don't want this person at my wedding - why should I pay to have this person come to my wedding and take the place of someone else I would rather have.

I know I could try to explain to my dear friend that the guest list is too long so I can't accommodate her which is true, but he will know that is only part of the reason and he would be right.

What do I do? Am I over reacting and I should just invite this person? Is is wrong of him to just assume I'd be okay with her attending my wedding? What is the etiquette here?

HELP!

 

[LadyD]

Ultimately, it is your wedding. You are under no obligation to invite her. However, is it possible not inviting her would create a rift between you and your friend? Would you be okay with that given the circumstances and everything that has transpired? I think it is a very valid point to ask she not come if you are already not inviting family you would like there. Would it be possible to compromise on the situation with him if he is really upset about her not being invited by saying something like "we are limited in our venue space and due to the size of DF's family we are trying to keep the guest list to our closest friends and family. If it really means that much to you have her there, we can let you know if room opens up in the guest list for her because we know it would mean a lot to you to have her there?" or something along those lines. Weddings are tricky with guest lists. It is so easy to offend people when all you're trying to do is stay on budget and get as many people who mean a lot to you to the wedding.

 

[andeesings]

This is a tricky situation but as the above poster said- it's your wedding and ultimately you can have who you want- if you're allowing other friends to bring plus ones and you're not allowing him, be prepared for it to cause a MAJOR rift in your friendship.

Things like this have happened to me before- friends of mine have been in relationships I considered verbally abuse, friends who have had SO's who HATED me and were horrible- and every time I've said something it's gotten me burned. The friend has NEVER "chosen" me, or taken my part. At this point I keep my mouth shut and help pick up the pieces when it all goes to hell. :-(

 

[undchefreak]

Did he get a "+1" invitation? If not, I don't think it would be difficult to point out that you're not close with this person, so for him to assume that she can crash and take up a seat (from your family no less) would be against wedding etiquette. If he did get a two person invitation, it may be difficult to remove that after the fact.

 

[lirija]

Like your DF, I come from a large ethnic family and even though we are inviting 100 people to Disney, only 10 are friends and most of the family is on my side, and I'm talking first-cousins, nothing more distant - so I also had to exclude some family to make room for very close friends. Since you guys are close, I think you should sit him down and explain this, and make it about the family and not his GF.

Go on wedding websites and print articles to show him - +1s are no longer considered mandatory like they were in the past. Its very common to just get a single invite these days because so many couples are paying for their own weddings and have to watch every number. Just don't make it solely about the GF and it should be ok - he will know she is a factor but he will also see the bigger picture. Then, its up to him to deal with her disappointment.

Since they have had disagreements in the past, this will likely cause some temporary tension between them, but then again, she should expect this since you two didn't speak during the camping trip. It would be weird of her to expect to be warmly welcomed to your wedding if you aren't even speaking cordially to her in social settings.

 

[mlegerto]

Ultimately, it is your wedding. You are under no obligation to invite her. However, is it possible not inviting her would create a rift between you and your friend? Would you be okay with that given the circumstances and everything that has transpired? I think it is a very valid point to ask she not come if you are already not inviting family you would like there. Would it be possible to compromise on the situation with him if he is really upset about her not being invited by saying something like "we are limited in our venue space and due to the size of DF's family we are trying to keep the guest list to our closest friends and family. If it really means that much to you have her there, we can let you know if room opens up in the guest list for her because we know it would mean a lot to you to have her there?" or something along those lines. Weddings are tricky with guest lists. It is so easy to offend people when all you're trying to do is stay on budget and get as many people who mean a lot to you to the wedding.

LadyD, you kind of have the same feeling as me…it’s my (I guess ours technically hee hee) and I don’t particularly want her there. I am hoping that not inviting her will not cause an issue with dear friend, but I haven’t yet approached the situation with him as I didn’t know how to. I obviously wouldn’t want him to be upset with me, but I am afraid he might be. DF suggested the same thing as you did, let friend know that we are a bit tight on space so we are unable to include her, but that if we end up with a lot of RSVP’s with being unavailable to come that we could reassess. I just feel like he will think this is just an excuse. Honestly, this guest list / trying to figure out seating arrangements is the most difficult part of our planning thus far haha – my parents are recently divorced and do NOT get along. Thanks for your advice!

This is a tricky situation but as the above poster said- it's your wedding and ultimately you can have who you want- if you're allowing other friends to bring plus ones and you're not allowing him, be prepared for it to cause a MAJOR rift in your friendship.

Things like this have happened to me before- friends of mine have been in relationships I considered verbally abuse, friends who have had SO's who HATED me and were horrible- and every time I've said something it's gotten me burned. The friend has NEVER "chosen" me, or taken my part. At this point I keep my mouth shut and help pick up the pieces when it all goes to hell. :-(

Not all of my friends are getting plus ones. In fact, the only friends who are getting plus ones are actually friends with DF and I already and are already invited on their own, which just works out for the couple to come together. However, the rest of our friends who are not getting plus ones do not have girlfriends/boyfriends, with the exception of the friend in question. I have never mentioned to him that he would have a plus one, this is just something he assumed I guess. I was thinking the same thing, that it might just be better the keep my mouth shut and just invite her, but after talking with some other people they have told me not to. Ugh, I just don’t want any drama surrounding our wedding haha.

Did he get a "+1" invitation? If not, I don't think it would be difficult to point out that you're not close with this person, so for him to assume that she can crash and take up a seat (from your family no less) would be against wedding etiquette. If he did get a two person invitation, it may be difficult to remove that after the fact.

Undchefreak, our wedding is still a little bit away so we have not even sent out invitations yet, so he most definitely did not receive a plus one yet. In fact, we have never even discussed with him the possibility of him having a plus one, he is just assuming this I guess because a lot of our friends who are dating someone will be bringing their significant other. The difference is, all of my friends with significant others are also friends with DF and I and we see them on a regular basis (every other weekend if not more). I completely agree that IF we had given him a plus one already and just heard it was her that it would be an even more difficult situation, which is why I am trying to figure out how to handle the situation now before finalizing our guest lists and printing invitations.

Like your DF, I come from a large ethnic family and even though we are inviting 100 people to Disney, only 10 are friends and most of the family is on my side, and I'm talking first-cousins, nothing more distant - so I also had to exclude some family to make room for very close friends. Since you guys are close, I think you should sit him down and explain this, and make it about the family and not his GF.

Go on wedding websites and print articles to show him - +1s are no longer considered mandatory like they were in the past. Its very common to just get a single invite these days because so many couples are paying for their own weddings and have to watch every number. Just don't make it solely about the GF and it should be ok - he will know she is a factor but he will also see the bigger picture. Then, its up to him to deal with her disappointment.

Since they have had disagreements in the past, this will likely cause some temporary tension between them, but then again, she should expect this since you two didn't speak during the camping trip. It would be weird of her to expect to be warmly welcomed to your wedding if you aren't even speaking cordially to her in social settings.

It is SO difficult when there are large families involved. As it is, DF family is like 4 times the size of mine haha so it has been difficult to include them all. Ya we are close friends, maybe not as close these days because I don’t get to see him as often as he is always with his girlfriend and she doesn’t come out as I don’t think she really gets along with people in our group of friends – not that anyone has a problem with her specifically, just that no one is really friends with her. On that note, I don’t even understand why she would want to come / why dear friend would want her to come when she doesn’t even talk to anyone in our group of friends lol. I think your right, if I approach the situation with more reasoning on “we have a maximum and DF family is huge and were having a hard time including everyone” rather than “I don’t want your girlfriend there”, it should go over a bit better. My only concern is, dear friend knows me quite well and will agree that the maximum is the maximum but I think he will also know that subconsciously don’t care to include her anyways and I don’t want that feeling to resonate with him. Maybe LadyD’s suggestion of offering to include her if we end up with a lot of unable to attend is the best way to go? Thanks for the suggestions!

 

[LadyD]

I totally understand where you're coming from and the struggles of planning a wedding with a difficult guest list. My parents have been divorced for over a decade and my mom has remarried since then, but my parents are STILL not on speaking terms. I have a fairly large (by today's standards) Italian family and my partner Diana, well her dad has 14 siblings (she is Colombian) and is VERY close to all her extended family. Our wedding too is largely just family with a handful of really close friends. We had to make some difficult cuts in our guest list to try and accommodate all the people we needed and wanted there. I'm sure you and DF will come up with the solution you need that hopefully your friend is okay with :good vibes.

 

[mlegerto]

Should I have a conversation with dear friend before I send out the invitations OR should I send out the invitations with only a single invite and then if he either responds with a +1 or says something then address the issue?

My concern is that I have only heard that he is planning on bringing this person through other friends, not directly himself.

 

[OnceUponAMelodye]

If you decide to not include a plus one for your friend, I would let him know before the invites are sent out. That way, you're addressing the situation before he responds and I think it may make it less awkward. Just indicate that due to your budget you're not able to include a plus one for every guest but that you would absolutely love for him to be able to attend. I wouldn't make it personal and say that you don't like her or want her there though. We are having a very small wedding and had to cut a lot of close friends/plus ones out..I think that ultimately people will understand guest list and budget restraints. It is your big day after all!

 

[WDWLover75]

If you decide to not include a plus one for your friend, I would let him know before the invites are sent out. That way, you're addressing the situation before he responds and I think it may make it less awkward. Just indicate that due to your budget you're not able to include a plus one for every guest but that you would absolutely love for him to be able to attend. I wouldn't make it personal and say that you don't like her or want her there though. We are having a very small wedding and had to cut a lot of close friends/plus ones out..I think that ultimately people will understand guest list and budget restraints. It is your big day after all!

This. I agree with this. I had an Escape wedding so was very limited on who we could invite. All the research I found said that you only had to invite girlfriends/boyfriends if they were living together. In this case, even if they are living together, I think you have numerous, justified reasons for not inviting her. Definitely talk to him first.

 

[Loreli]

DH's best man had a +1 and brought one of DH's ex girlfriends.
It wasn't my choice, she sat at the head table and sulked the whole time and I just had to get over it. Now on the other hand it's 18 years later and I am still relating the story.
You can tell Dear Friend that with the history you have with this person you will not be comfortable having her at your wedding. Just remember he may marry her and then this will only make things worse. Yes, DH's best man married DH's ex girlfriend.

 

[Bewitch324]

Loreli: OUCH!!! I can't believe you had to deal with that situation at your wedding...and then he married her? Double ouch. On the other hand, I guess you won because you got your DH but wowzers...I'm not sure I could have handled that with as much grace!!

OP, I feel for you in your situation. I completely agree with the others who have said it's your wedding day, and if you and DF aren't comfortable with having her be a part of your day, then you are certainly within your rights to not include her...but definitely go in with both eyes open...as you said, your friend knows you very well, and he will know that your issues with his girlfriend are the root cause, whatever you may say...and depending on how sensitive he is about that situation, it could cause a rift...

I would hope that he will understand the financial strain and the large families...it will help that he's not the only friend not getting a plus one, I think...but be prepared for his unhappiness about it...

One final thought...in a small intimate wedding, having one or two people that you don't adore can really impact the entire day... but at a larger wedding, there are a lot more people to focus on, that could significantly lessen the impact of her presence if you end up deciding to let him bring her.... just a thought. I wouldn't want her there either...she sounds horrible...

Good luck whatever you decide!

Brooke