Grief over a good friend's death - when do I stop being "sad"?

[javaj]

One of my best friends died in a car accident last October. Terrible accident (are there any that aren't terrible?), she and her husband were driving to work as they had done most days for 10+ years, and a teenager was adjusting her heater and veered out of her lane into oncoming traffic and hit my friend's car. I haven't known that many people who've died - a couple of friends, co-workers, and older relatives, but while those were sad events, I hadn't experienced loss this way.

In hindsight, after her death, I realized she had become my best friend over the last few years - you know, that one person that you can talk to about almost anything, that person you talked/e-mailed me with all the time, or that person when you didn't talk for a few days, you collected the thoughts for when you did talk. I'm rambling, but I think you all get my drift.

I'm a friendly person, and I'd say I have a lot of friends, but not super close friends. I'm lucky to have my husband and family who I appreciate all very much, but it isn't the same. It was nice to have a friend (and one who wasn't related to me) who I was in sync with.

In any case, I'm still sad. Not bawling crying sad like when she first died, but sad. Not all the time sad, but sad when I think about her, or when I selfishly think I want to talk to her about my problems or what's happening to me. And I still find myself turning to IM her when I want to talk about the news or shopping or some silly thing.

I miss her. Is there something wrong with me because I'm dwelling? Is it wrong that I feel a void in my life - will that go away?

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this, I guess I want to hear that this is a normal part of grieving. Thanks for letting me share.

 

[portocall]

It is a normal part of grieving. It does take time. Eventually, you will find that you find someone to take that place in your life, while keeping your friend in your heart. It will happen when you are ready.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I am so sorry. It is very difficult, as I lost my daughter in 05. There is nothing wrong with you. Everyone grieves in there own way. You really never get over it, and its ok. I still grieve and cry. So dont feel bad about anything. Please remember all the good times you shared. You have all those special memories. One thing that helped me was I sat down and wrote her a letter letting her know about so much I never got to say. So cry if you want to, yell, holler, what ever it takes your not crazy. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Know that I care and understand. JO

 

[javaj]

portocall and usnuzuloose, Thanks for the kind thoughts. Rationally I know being sad is normal. It just feels like I shouldn't be sad anymore. Or at least not SO sad. Ugh. As if quantifying sadness were rational....

usnuzuloose - I'm so sorry about your daughter. I don't know what to say but I truly feel for you.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Thank you, you really do not get over it, there is no time line for this issue. I have plenty of days where I cry. So please dont try to have a time when the sadness stops. Just know you are not alone in this issue. There are also meetings for grieving as well. I did that and it helped. Take one day at a time. Please know I really care about what you are going through. Jo

 

[bumbershoot]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with still being sad, with still thinking about her. Everyone has their own timeline for grief. Some people just "get over it" and continue on. Those people don't tend to understand those of us who grieve for a long, long time. So those of us who grieve a long time must ignore those who talk about getting over it (while not judging how fast their grieving time was, of course).

I personally think we must go through things, slog through them, to come out the other side. I am not a big fan of skipping those steps. And with death...there really is no other side for the ones left behind. So we just gotta keep on moving through it.

I haven't had a friend die, but with parents, I know that the grief still feels the same when it happens, but the time between those moments will lengthen, which can give some peace.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I'm gonna echo what the others have said....there is no timeline. I lost my best friend to diabetes when she was 19. And to make things worse, I didn't visit her in the hospital because I had a baby and no baby sitter. So I didn't go. We had NO clue she would go down hill that quickly or that it was that serious. I still have guilt over that and she died in May of 94. I cried for weeks and weeks. I still miss her, but it doesn't hurt anymore. I think about her a lot, wish she could see her goddaughter (my DD16). But I can think about her without crying. I will always love her and I think she knows that. It gets easier...it just may take a while.

 

[JerseyJanice]

My deepest condolences for your loss, OP, and for yours too, usnuzuloose.

There's just no getting around grief. When you lose someone close to you, there's no telling how long or how hard you'll be feeling it. If it hasn't even been a year, it's very natural for you to still be grieving, OP.

 

[shortbun]

OP, please don't worry. It's so normal to go through these stages of grief. Losing someone who was in your life nearly everyday leaves a big hole. I'll tell you what I do, please don't think I'm crazy. I keep talking to them. I still talk, outloud, to my grandfather who died when I was 18, to my Aunt who died when I was 41, to my father who died two years ago and to my mother who died a year ago in May. There are little things that remind me of them-dawn, sunset, rainbows, beautiful fabric, their favorite colors, the stuff of theirs I have in my home now, some music, smells and so forth. Keep celebrating your friend by allowing her to stay in your life, albeit in a different way but still enhancing it. The strong sadness passes without an announcement. Some day you will know you are feeling stonger and still sad but it will be a bit easier and her memory will make you smile more often than make you cry. Peace.

 

[momm2four]

I remember when my dad died, and I asked someone if my life would ever feel normal again. Their reply was "No, it will not ever return to the normal you knew...but you will develop a new normal" Those words turned out to be so true.

Lori P.

 

[DebbieB]

I remember when my dad died, and I asked someone if my life would ever feel normal again. Their reply was "No, it will not ever return to the normal you knew...but you will develop a new normal" Those words turned out to be so true.

Lori P.

So true, I agree. My mom was my best friend and I lost her 4 1/2 years ago. It's still very painful but I've come to accept it. I don't think you ever "get over it".

 

[AmandaSparks730]

I lost a good friend of mine last May. She was 15. We all still miss her, and it's hard when you turn around and expect that person to be standing right there, and they're not.

I don't think it ever really goes away, the pain/grief.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Completely normal.

I lost a BIL two years ago. I met someone this week who reminded me of him and when I was telling my DH the story about it yesterday, tears just started streaming down my face unexpectedly. I think of him a lot and it still saddens me. I can't imagine I'll ever get over the feeling. He was only 42 (and so was this other guy, who looked just like him).

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

there's nothing wrong with you. it's definatly normal. and you'll never feel NOT sad about it.

time DOES make it a little easier, but you will always still be a little sad about it, and that's normal.

i'm really sorry for your loss, OP. it's really tough when you lose someone you're close with.


one of my best friends died about 2 years ago, and i found out 2 days before my wedding....which was at Disney World....and we were already down there to get the ball rolling on the wedding. i couldn't make it to the wake, or the funeral, and i still get upset and feel really bad about it. and i didn't even have time to grieve right away, my wedding was supposed to be "the happiest day of my life" and all i kept thinking about was his funeral, which was the same day AND time as my wedding.

it was really rough, but it's gotten a lot better over the past 2 years. i know he would have wanted me to have a good time at my wedding and on my honeymoon.

 

[ontariomonkey]

Cut yourself some slack, it's only been 6 months! Everyone grieves differently but I would say that it took me 2 years to 'get over' the death of my close friend when I was college-aged.

 

[overlyspoiled4sure]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP & yours also usnuzuloose. Time does help but I believe the loss is hardest when so totally unexpected.

I lost 2 friends to cancer & even though I didn't see either very often I still miss them. One was a dear friend I could talk to about absolutely anything & she could do the same with me.

There was never a service for her & now I understand funerals a bit better. It's just so those of us left can say our goodbyes & I don't feel I've said goodbye to her. By the same token, DH & I don't want services held for us because our DD has a very hard time with things like that. There was a memorial service for the other friend & I learned a lot about her I didn't know. It had been over 20 years since we'd worked together so both of us "grew" up a bit I suspect.

So, OP, I think it's perfectly normal to still feel some sadness. Remember the happy times you had. I like the bit from one of the Little House specials when a mom was looking for parents for her children. It went something like this: Remember me with smiles & laughter for that is how I will remember you. If you remember me with tears & sadness, don't remember me at all." I'm trying to remember my friends with smiles & laughter.

 

[smidgy]

when a friend of mine lost her baby due to SIDS, after a couple months or so, her mom wanted her to take anti-depressants.

I thought my friend was the wisest woman in the world when she replied: "mom. my baby died. I'm supposed to be sad."

there is nothing wrong with being sad,or grieving. it's a normal, healthy process. it's actuall unhealthy to not allow yourself this normal emotion.

(just so you know, my friend went on to live a normal, healthy life.)

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Grief is a process that is different for everybody. There is no timeline or no schedule. Take all the time you need.
I don't believe we ever 'get over it' but we move on without as much pain.

I lost my best friend 2.5 years ago to a sudden brain aneurysm. It still hurts and sometimes I miss her so much I still cry.

We are expecting a baby girl any day now and her middle name is my friend's name. That way we can have a part of her with us forever.

Time does heal wounds but they never go away and why should they? Your friend was an important person in your life and you miss her. That's okay.

 

[javaj]

Thank you all very much. My sympathies to everyone else for your losses, I appreciate the sharing - it actually is quite reassuring. I'm just typically more of a "get over it" kind of person - so this is sort of new territory to me.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Thank you all very much. My sympathies to everyone else for your losses, I appreciate the sharing - it actually is quite reassuring. I'm just typically more of a "get over it" kind of person - so this is sort of new territory to me.

that's generally how i am with things, but grief isn't one of those "get over it" things, it takes time. but it will get easier.