Gravesites

[goofyernmost]

Before I moved to North Carolina I usually visited my parents aunts, uncles, cousins grave-sites on Memorial day each year. Maybe put a few flowers around the headstone of my parents and just show some respect even though I knew it was only being done so that I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

After I moved, I usually end up heading to Vermont around every two years (no particular date) and try to visit then, but, if it doesn't work out, I just don't. It's just something that my family always did, so I basically do it too. There is no real purpose other then to remember and that doesn't really require a visit.

 

[dotfurio]

My dad passed a few years ago. Even though it's a block away from my commute to work and maybe 10 minutes from my house, I rarely visit his grave. I go maybe 1-2 times a year to place flowers and snap a pic to send to my sister, who lives out of state. She is the type who would visit regularly. I loved my dad and was close to him. Visiting the cemetary doesn't feel close to him, though. It's just a reminder of the pain of his passing. His body may be there, but he's not.

 

[elphaba91]

My grandmother was cremated and her ashes scattered in the sea. My grandfather died last March and was cremated and I believe plans have been made to scatter his ashes in the sea in a couple of weeks.

When my sister died 14 years ago she was also cremated and we planned to scatter her ashes at sea too, but as time passed my mum didn't like the idea of not having somewhere to visit. We then changed the plan to have her ashes interred in the small memorial garden at our church and my mum even did calligraphy work for the church to cover the fee. But we still hadn't done it when the minister changed and the new one was awful and also said that the memorial garden was restricted to those who had had their funeral at the church (while we'd had our minister conduct the service we'd had to have the service at a much, much larger church). So 14 years later she is still in my mum's wardrobe and I don't know now that we will be scattering her ashes anywhere, at least until mum goes too.

A friend (actually one of my late sister's best friends) lost her son when he was 2 and his ashes put in a teddy bear. At first I thought it was sweet, but they now take the bear literally EVERYWHERE with them, dress it up and refer to it by her son's name. I'm certainly not judging her given all she's gone through, but I'm not sure it's healthy for her and fear it could eventually be confusing for her 2, soon to be 3, younger children.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I was 8 when my grandma died. My parents used to drive to the cemetery (with me in the car) so they could tend to the gravesite and plant flowers. It disturbed me so greatly, that I always pretended to be sleeping in the car so I wouldn't have to get out. I would just dread those visits because my mom would always be crying, and I was missing my grandma.

Fast forward as an adult, I have gone back to the cemetery a couple of times and placed a single flower on her grave, along with my paternal grandparents who I didn't know (grandpa died before I was born, and grandma died when I was an infant).

My dad was cremated and he is in an urn on the fireplace mantel of their house. It upsets me greatly, and I won't go in the family room. It just isn't right. My dad should be sitting in his favorite chair in that room smiling and chatting with us....not in a box dead. When my mom passes, I plan to have their urns placed in a final resting spot. Just not sure yet what that is. All I know is that they will not be sitting in the family room. There is such guilt that I have of living and enjoying life, and then seeing that he isn't here anymore with the reminder on the mantel. I even had his funeral 45 minutes away from where we live so I wouldn't have to pass by it ever again in my life.

I don't handle death well, and the thought of the word "forever" gives me anxiety when I start to think about what that really means.

 

[ncc1701]

My Dad & Grandparents ( Mom's parents and Dad's Mom &
Step-father, his dad died when he was a child & is buried elsewhere) are all buried in the same cemetery. It is about 40 minutes or so from our home and we go down 5 or 6 times a year. We also go to DH's parents grave a few times a year. It was hard for me when my maternal Grandmother died to go to the cemetery (she was the 1st ) but after several visits it got easier. We check on the gravestones, plant flowers . I guess because when I was a child my Mom & Dad took us with Dad's Grandparents to visit graves of their parents/siblings that visiting is just something you do .

 

[focusondisney]

For years DH & I would go to the cemetery to his parent's gravesite about 4 times a year: Easter, Christmas, Mother's & Father's Day. My maternal grandparents & several great aunts & uncles are in another section of the same cemetery. So we would stop at all of their grave sites too. Usually we would leave flowers at my in laws & grandparents.

My dad died about 18 months ago. I went several times in the first few months. I haven't been in a few months now. But that is more related to the winter weather. I can't stand the thought of my loved one under the cold wet ground, so don't like to go at this time of year. Mom doesn't drive, but does find comfort sitting at the gravesite. One of us will take her a few times a week as the weather improves. The cemetery is very peaceful, a bit in the outskirts. Dad loved being outside & walked the cemetery for years. We all kind of feel him when we're there.

One of my sisters never went to the cemetery after my grandparents died. She didn't go for about 30 years between my grandmother's & my dad's passing. Now she is the one who takes mom most often & will stop there any random day. She was the one making mom move on a stone too. It is interesting to me how her feelings about visiting the cemetery changed.

I'll spend lots of time with dad after I pass. My DH & I plus most of my siblings & aunts already purchased gravesites around mom & dad several years ago. Our kids can visit us all at once!

 

[Kimkimba]

There's a certain peace I feel when I visit cemeteries and I've been to many. Growing up when we visited my grandparents far away we'd visit the family cemeteries, so maybe that has something to do with it. When its warm I visit my parents' and BIL's a few times a month. I usually take flowers and have a little chat. It seems strange, but I almost always leave in a better mood after I visit.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Hardly ever.

 

[ronandannette]

When my Mom died, we went and looked at the urns (we needed two as we were dividing her ashes between us), but nothing captured her personality. I asked the funeral director if I could make her vessels, and to his credit he didn't try the hard sell. He was actually a bit surprised and said that nobody had ever requested that before. I bought two nice unfinished hinged wood boxes, stained them, and then painted some yellow roses (her favorite flower) on top.

She didn't have a funeral, only a viewing (which was what she wanted), and a week later we got the ashes back in the boxes, glued shut. My Dad has been gone 30 years this November and was buried, not cremated. I never go to the cemetery, not because I didn't love him so much, because I did. It's just not something I want to do. Perhaps I should go this year, but I probably won't. It's a shame because having my Mom's ashes close by give me great comfort. I wish now we would have chosen cremation-he died suddenly, killed by a drunk driver, and we were all so shocked that when one of my great-aunts said there's a space in the family plot we just said that would be fine, not thinking of the future.

I've worked in funeral service and I promise you that statement was untruthful. It is not uncommon at all for families to provide their own containers for cremated remains. (One can provide their own casket too, but that's much, much more rare.) It's actually a really nice idea and can be very personal and significant. One of the most unusual ones I can remember was a middle-aged man who had a heart attack while dancing at a local country saloon. He was cremated and inurned in the boots he had been wearing. Neat idea and apparently very, very appropriate for him.

 

[bushdianee]

I visit my parents grave a few times a year. I usually make sure it is decorated for Christmas and their birthdays. This year I decorated for their anniversary too as it would have been their 60th. My dad passed 2 days before their 47th. My mom had stated several times that she was afraid that after she died none of us 8 kids would visit their grave so I feel that I can't let her down. My siblings have only been there a few times since Mom passed years ago. I don't think one brother has been there since her funeral. One sister goes once or twice a year. My 11 year old niece usually wants to go with me even though she never met her grandpa but was very close to her grandma. The first time my mom and I took her around the age of 2 she was walking ahead of us and went straight to my dad's headstone and asked "Is this it?"

 

[bushdianee]

In response to the PP who had the gusts of wind when visiting her dad's grave, I've had 2 experiences with balloons at my dad's grave both at their anniversary. the first one was a year or so after he died. I had taken my mom to buy balloons and flowers. She bought 2 balloons, 1 said Happy anniversary and 1 said I Love You. I was tying them onto the vase when the ribbon on the I Love You one suddenly broke not where i was tying it but right in the middle and floated away. My mom became upset but I told her that Dad must have seen it and wanted it so he took it. After that whenever one of the little grandchildren would let go of a balloon we would tell them it was going up to Grandpa. Just 2 weeks ago my sister and I went to my parents grave on what would have been their 60th anniversary with our 3 youngest nieces and nephew ages 7, 9, 11. I had purchased 2 balloons, a purple flower for my mom and a blue star for my dad as the store was out of anniversary balloons. As my 11 year old niece was getting out of the car the blue one for my dad flew out of her hand. Another balloon grandpa wanted!

 

[snarlingcoyote]

We go out to my MIL and FIL's grave about once a year, to refresh the flowers. My family cemetery has been in operation since the early part of the 19th century, right after the land became part of the US; my grave and my husband's grave will be in a corner of the old cemetery, cattycorner to my parents and grandparents, at the foot to the aunt who died of whooping cough before vaccinations were available. I like meandering through old cemeteries. You can learn a lot about a place, even things that people don't like to talk about, in these old cemeteries.

I'm doing some geneaology on a family that descends, in part, from a gentleman and his lady (he was white, she was black, but she was known her whole life as Mrs., so I would say they were married in their hearts, where it matters.). He was killed in 1855. The rest of his wealthy family have really impressive gravestones all over, but I can't find anything for him. I would kill to find something, anything. I don't think it would mean anything to anyone else alive today, but I just get this sense it would have made Mrs. happy, and she was a lady I would have liked to make happy - impressive, intelligent, compassionate and with more grit than is commonly found in five women. I have no doubt SHE knew exactly where he was buried. . .

 

[hereyago]

[QUOTE="snarlingcoyote, post:


I'm doing some geneaology on a family that descends, in part, from a gentleman and his lady (he was white, she was black, but she was known her whole life as Mrs., so I would say they were married in their hearts, where it matters.). He was killed in 1855. The rest of his wealthy family have really impressive gravestones all over, but I can't find anything for him. I would kill to find something, anything. I don't think it would mean anything to anyone else alive today, but I just get this sense it would have made Mrs. happy, and she was a lady I would have liked to make happy - impressive, intelligent, compassionate and with more grit than is commonly found in five women. I have no doubt SHE knew exactly where he was buried. . .[/QUOTE]


I know this may sound kooky, but maybe you are drawn to them because one of them or both want you to find him,kwim?

Good luck.

 

[Disneylover99]

My mom is buried about 10 minutes from where we live. Whenever we drive by we wave and yell out a big hello.

 

[goofyernmost]

I've worked in funeral service and I promise you that statement was untruthful. It is not uncommon at all for families to provide their own containers for cremated remains. (One can provide their own casket too, but that's much, much more rare.) It's actually a really nice idea and can be very personal and significant. One of the most unusual ones I can remember was a middle-aged man who had a heart attack while dancing at a local country saloon. He was cremated and inurned in the boots he had been wearing. Neat idea and apparently very, very appropriate for him.

Yea, I call them salt and pepper shakers. That's what they look like. You can have some of your ashes put in those tiny urns and family can keep a small part of you around forever. Seems odd to me though, but, that's just me. I almost purchased an urn that actually looked exactly like an old "Chock Full of Nuts" Coffee can. I almost did it and then decided that I wouldn't be able to see the laughter in their eyes so, I passed on that purchase.

 

[ncc1701]

There's a certain peace I feel when I visit cemeteries and I've been to many. Growing up when we visited my grandparents far away we'd visit the family cemeteries, so maybe that has something to do with it. When its warm I visit my parents' and BIL's a few times a month. I usually take flowers and have a little chat. It seems strange, but I almost always leave in a better mood after I visit.

Not to me . I do the same thing .

 

[ronandannette]

Yea, I call them salt and pepper shakers. That's what they look like. You can have some of your ashes put in those tiny urns and family can keep a small part of you around forever. Seems odd to me though, but, that's just me. I almost purchased an urn that actually looked exactly like an old "Chock Full of Nuts" Coffee can. I almost did it and then decided that I wouldn't be able to see the laughter in their eyes so, I passed on that purchase.

I think my post was not the one you meant to quote.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

My husband and myself have lost both set of parents. We visit and decorate their graves for every holiday. We just lost a dear friend to early onset dementia. We now add her to our visit. I feel that I am paying my respect to all of them. I wouldn't be happy with myself if I never went back again after the funeral. At least for me, I think it kind of goes with the line, never forgotten.

 

[AnnaS]

My parents and my sister (47) are in the mausoleum (same cemetery 20 mins. away). My FIL also in a mausoleum and my BIL in the ground (different than my family - they are in the same cemetery 5 mins. away). Even though there is only a shell there, I find great peace and comfort visiting. They are and will always be in my heart but I know how much my dad wanted us to visit him here at home (at least two times a week) and how he also used to visit family gravesites a few times a year. He thought it was a big deal and only took a few minutes (if it was in the same town/city). We are following what he believed in too. We like to go and leave some kind of holiday decoration - even though it's harder to leave/put something on the wall/space. We try to go for birthdays/father's/Mother's day too. We don not have to go that same day and if we don't go sometimes for one of their birthday's, it's okay too. I will also sporadically drive by and either also wave, make the sign of the cross or stop by for two minutes.

 

[L&Lfan]

I would definitely visit my parents' graves more often but I live in NJ and they are buried in SC. I haven't been back to SC since my mother's funeral in 2011. I do feel sad about it as my parents were wonderful. I do think of them and pray for them every day.