Melora
Disney Dreaming
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2003
- Messages
- 2,556
I have to thank each and every one of you for your kind and wonderful words. Until something like this happens you have no idea how the words of others, even those that you do not know personally can help when your heart is as heavy as mine.
Since I posted an update in the middle of my last thread some might not have read that my mother passed away yesterday perhaps 10 minutes after I first posted.
I had told Jeff that her breathing was shallow and spaced apart and he called the nurse who said she would come over.
The caregiver Minda asked Emily to come and get us and when we got there she was holding my moms head and saying "its over, its over". I started shaking and crying and went to her but it was indeed over. The only thing I could think to do was put her into bed, as odd it as it may seem I could not let her remain in the chair. Between the 3 of us we lifted her (she probably didn't weigh more than 70 pounds) and set her in bed and propped pillows around her. She was so bent over from years of sitting hunched over that we could not lay her flat. So we put her on her side.
We had just come back from lunch so everyone was home. Jeff went to call the nurse again and told the girls (16, 14) as he went through the den and when I went out both were sobbing. Both knew she was bad but I think they hadn't realized. We had kept them both home from Super Bowl parties and neither were happy about that. Now they understood.
Minda is very religious and she asked if she could pray for my mom. I said of course and she got out her prayer book and began reading out of it.
It all became quite a blur. My 8 year old was out riding his bike with the neighbor so Jeff asked the dad if Alex could stay there for awhile. The nurse arrived, checked her and made the necessary calls for us. Minda called Josie (our regular caregiver) and she told us that Josie was coming right away. We asked for the mortuary not come until after Josie could get here.
The nurse stayed with us for quite sometime. She said where ever my mom was now she was standing tall and looking beautiful. Something she had not done for many many years. Sarah's boyfriend came to comfort her, my eldest (Chris, 18) was stoic yet completely devastated. He was the first of the kids to go in and sit by her.
After I felt a little better I called my best friend of 34 years, got her answering machine and started calmly telling her what happened. I got 5 words into it and broke down to the point of being unintelligible. She called me back about 5 minutes later and apologized for missing the call.
After what seemed to be an eternity (about an hour) Josie arrived with her husband. As soon as she got to the door, she began weeping. She rushed into my moms room and threw herself on the bed saying "I love You... I love You" over and over. I was a mess all over again.
As I have said Josie is deeply Catholic and has many superstitions associated with her beliefs. She asked Minda how my mom died, about her last moments. Minda said she simply took several deep prolonged breathes and then stopped. The look on Josie's face was indescribable. The relief, the almost joy. My husband told me later that in her culture if someone struggles at the last moment, if they are restless, fighting for the last breathe, moving around, it means the devil is coming to take them and if the person goes quietly then they have gone to God. Josie has been worried and told me in the previous weeks that she was worried that my mother wasn't going "upward". Her relief was pure and it was good to see her happiness.
Josie, her husband who brought her out, and Minda then sat with my mom and prayed the rosary. Jeff, as I have said who up until recently has always been very non religious and doubting of life beyond life said it was a calming thing to have them there. He also admitted that he had got down on his knees the night before outside her room and prayed for the end to come quickly. I would have given the likelihood of that ever happening as much as looking out the window and seeing pigs flying casually through the sky. One has no idea how death will affect you until it visits your home.
I did not want Alex to be here when they came to pick my mom up so after I went in and held her and told her I loved her several times I took both boys to the only place I could think of that would be mindless but keep me from thinking of what was happening... Chuck E Cheese. We stayed for about 45 minutes, then Jeff called and told us it was over and we went home.
We said our goodbyes to Josie. I gave her an additional check as a Thank You for all she has done for our family. Her husband confided in Jeff that the money she has made from working for my mom has helped her family build a beautiful home back in the Philippines for her children and grandchildren. He said they are eternally grateful for everything that has come out of working for us.
Just as an aside, Josie proved how honest she was the other day by bringing us my moms purse that she had kept under her chair. When we opened it we found almost $5000 in cash stashed away inside (very like my mom to have money like that close to her). We had no idea. Josie could easily have taken the money and we would never have known.
Please forgive my ramblings. It really does help to sit and write it all out. At first when I woke up this morning I did not feel any better. I went downstairs, her chair was empty, her room was dark and I felt empty,sad and alone. But now I do feel slightly more relaxed, though not nearly as much as I envisioned I would. After months and months of wishing for this, for the end of her suffering I really do not feel the relief I expected. I know it will take time. I guess I am not so sad that she died, but sad about how she lived these last years. I truly believe that we come into life with the lessons we need to learn. That everything we do is a learning experience for our souls, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch someone die slowly before your eyes. Feeling helpless. Being afraid. Wondering if you should do more, but knowing that there would be no purpose to feeding tubes or IVs, that it would just prolong the inevitable. I wish I didn't feel like I simply let her starve to death. She refused anything the last few days. But knowing that her heart was strong and lungs were clear and that in truth it was the lack of food and water that really ended it.
Thank you all again for your caring and loving thoughts, prayers and words. It means more than I can express. And thank you if you made it this far and for letting me poor out my feelings.
Since I posted an update in the middle of my last thread some might not have read that my mother passed away yesterday perhaps 10 minutes after I first posted.
I had told Jeff that her breathing was shallow and spaced apart and he called the nurse who said she would come over.
The caregiver Minda asked Emily to come and get us and when we got there she was holding my moms head and saying "its over, its over". I started shaking and crying and went to her but it was indeed over. The only thing I could think to do was put her into bed, as odd it as it may seem I could not let her remain in the chair. Between the 3 of us we lifted her (she probably didn't weigh more than 70 pounds) and set her in bed and propped pillows around her. She was so bent over from years of sitting hunched over that we could not lay her flat. So we put her on her side.
We had just come back from lunch so everyone was home. Jeff went to call the nurse again and told the girls (16, 14) as he went through the den and when I went out both were sobbing. Both knew she was bad but I think they hadn't realized. We had kept them both home from Super Bowl parties and neither were happy about that. Now they understood.
Minda is very religious and she asked if she could pray for my mom. I said of course and she got out her prayer book and began reading out of it.
It all became quite a blur. My 8 year old was out riding his bike with the neighbor so Jeff asked the dad if Alex could stay there for awhile. The nurse arrived, checked her and made the necessary calls for us. Minda called Josie (our regular caregiver) and she told us that Josie was coming right away. We asked for the mortuary not come until after Josie could get here.
The nurse stayed with us for quite sometime. She said where ever my mom was now she was standing tall and looking beautiful. Something she had not done for many many years. Sarah's boyfriend came to comfort her, my eldest (Chris, 18) was stoic yet completely devastated. He was the first of the kids to go in and sit by her.
After I felt a little better I called my best friend of 34 years, got her answering machine and started calmly telling her what happened. I got 5 words into it and broke down to the point of being unintelligible. She called me back about 5 minutes later and apologized for missing the call.
After what seemed to be an eternity (about an hour) Josie arrived with her husband. As soon as she got to the door, she began weeping. She rushed into my moms room and threw herself on the bed saying "I love You... I love You" over and over. I was a mess all over again.
As I have said Josie is deeply Catholic and has many superstitions associated with her beliefs. She asked Minda how my mom died, about her last moments. Minda said she simply took several deep prolonged breathes and then stopped. The look on Josie's face was indescribable. The relief, the almost joy. My husband told me later that in her culture if someone struggles at the last moment, if they are restless, fighting for the last breathe, moving around, it means the devil is coming to take them and if the person goes quietly then they have gone to God. Josie has been worried and told me in the previous weeks that she was worried that my mother wasn't going "upward". Her relief was pure and it was good to see her happiness.
Josie, her husband who brought her out, and Minda then sat with my mom and prayed the rosary. Jeff, as I have said who up until recently has always been very non religious and doubting of life beyond life said it was a calming thing to have them there. He also admitted that he had got down on his knees the night before outside her room and prayed for the end to come quickly. I would have given the likelihood of that ever happening as much as looking out the window and seeing pigs flying casually through the sky. One has no idea how death will affect you until it visits your home.
I did not want Alex to be here when they came to pick my mom up so after I went in and held her and told her I loved her several times I took both boys to the only place I could think of that would be mindless but keep me from thinking of what was happening... Chuck E Cheese. We stayed for about 45 minutes, then Jeff called and told us it was over and we went home.
We said our goodbyes to Josie. I gave her an additional check as a Thank You for all she has done for our family. Her husband confided in Jeff that the money she has made from working for my mom has helped her family build a beautiful home back in the Philippines for her children and grandchildren. He said they are eternally grateful for everything that has come out of working for us.
Just as an aside, Josie proved how honest she was the other day by bringing us my moms purse that she had kept under her chair. When we opened it we found almost $5000 in cash stashed away inside (very like my mom to have money like that close to her). We had no idea. Josie could easily have taken the money and we would never have known.
Please forgive my ramblings. It really does help to sit and write it all out. At first when I woke up this morning I did not feel any better. I went downstairs, her chair was empty, her room was dark and I felt empty,sad and alone. But now I do feel slightly more relaxed, though not nearly as much as I envisioned I would. After months and months of wishing for this, for the end of her suffering I really do not feel the relief I expected. I know it will take time. I guess I am not so sad that she died, but sad about how she lived these last years. I truly believe that we come into life with the lessons we need to learn. That everything we do is a learning experience for our souls, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch someone die slowly before your eyes. Feeling helpless. Being afraid. Wondering if you should do more, but knowing that there would be no purpose to feeding tubes or IVs, that it would just prolong the inevitable. I wish I didn't feel like I simply let her starve to death. She refused anything the last few days. But knowing that her heart was strong and lungs were clear and that in truth it was the lack of food and water that really ended it.
Thank you all again for your caring and loving thoughts, prayers and words. It means more than I can express. And thank you if you made it this far and for letting me poor out my feelings.
