Grandparent Gifts

[marlasmom]

We (dh and myself) and my two daughters get very detailed Christmas lists from my DIL as to what to get her children for Christmas and birthdays - right down to catalog numbers and prices. (BTW this is the same DIL who told me they could not come over on Christmas because she didn't want to spend "all day" in the car (her parents lived 15 minutes from us) and Christmas was for families. Never did get an answer as to exactly what we are.)

I love the children and while I am glad to get SUGGESTIONS, I really enjoy shopping for them and picking out things that I think they will love and may be a little beyond the scope of what they have seen and want. I have been deluged with toy catalogs this year - as a result of buying from a couple last year and have really liked one from THe Museum and Highlights - put out by the people who publish Highlights magazine. Very creative and different things. This year I sent four matching sweaters from LL Bean for the whole family, building toys for my grandson and a matching dress and doll dress for my grandaughter. I am in the process of filling boxes for each kid with various things I have come across.

My point - how do you feel about supplying grandparents, aunts and uncles with "orders" as my BIl puts it for gifts for your children. Am I wrong in thinking this is impossibly out of line? Thanks.

 

[missyc]

I hate when my mother wants the "order" from us. She wants specific lists for everyone in the family, from the kids on up to me & DH. I just think less thought goes into it that way.

 

[meandtheguys2]

My boys hate sweaters! If my parents or in-laws sent them they would rot in the closet, or in better year, Goodwill. That being said, we do not give specifics unless asked. But is this "impossibly out of line?" I don't think so. You can still buy whatever you want.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Originally posted by missyc
I hate when my mother wants the "order" from us. She wants specific lists for everyone in the family, from the kids on up to me & DH. I just think less thought goes into it that way.

Had to add, my MIL always wants measurements instead of sizes! Over my dead body... She is the same gal who brought shoes for me to try on immediately after giving birth once.

 

[chrissyk]

My cousin gives the "wish list" to her in-laws without being asked. I think that that is so rude! How can you tell someone else what to get for you? How can you even assume that they are getting ANYTHING for you. A gift is just that...a gift. It's not something that you ask for. Just get them what YOU want to get them.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Actually, it is not beyond my limits to assume my folks are giving us Christmas presents. Just as I suspect they assume the same. We love one another and exchange gifts. I ask for specifics for my FIL because he is a PITB to find anything for.

I just think the OP is overreacting. Sorry, but you asked.

eta: My point being...let it go. It isn't worth stressing over.

 

[piratesmate]

When DS was an infant my MIL always got the oddest things. Often stuff that would break taking it out of the box. I never said anything to her about it, but felt bad that she spent $$ on stuff that didn't get used. (She was into quantity not quality.)

My family asks for lists & still gets "surprise" things as well. With the lists, they want details - item numbers. The problem with the surprises is that sometimes they are inappropriate or duplicates. DS was great & no one ever knew about problems. DD on the other hand would blurt out "I already have this" or "Mommy won't let me watch this".

Is it possible that her family wants the list & she thinks she's helping?

Either way, it doesn't matter. You should feel free to get whatever you want.

I do ask every year what both families have gotten to try to avoid duplicates & to make sure the kids get what they most want.

 

[txSleepingBeauty]

in my family you can give wish lists, they might even get taken into consideration when purchasing a gift. But we have a saying, " I'm not buying you what you want to have, I'm buying what I want you to have." Some people don't understand and it drives them nuts, but it's a little tacky to me to TELL someone how to spend their money on you. That's not the point of gift giving, if it were I'd just give everyone money. So you buy your grandkids something that you want them to have, hopefully something that they'd want, or that interests them, but if not it's your money to spend.

 

[Castlebound]

My kids make very detailed lists for their birthdays and Christmas also. Each family gets a list with different stuff. We started doing this because we have a large extended family and several people buy for our kids. The problem was when they were younger and before the lists they were getting doubles of some of the more popular toys. Then who ever was the unfortunate person to give them the second toy got to hear I just got one of these from Grandma D instead of the excitement they thought they would hear. So our kids make out one big list and we split it up into three lists. There is one for us, one for my family, and one for DH's family.

The list started getting more detailed because different relatives wanted to know where they could find the gift and how much it cost. You don't want to have it in your mind that you want to get them one toy only to find out that it is $30 more than you planned you spend. We make the list because those are the things that our kids want to have. Believe me there are things on the lists that I could live without! If you want to get them something special that is not on the list that's great, but I would get them something from the list also. It shows your grandkids that you are interested in knowing their likes and dislikes while introducing them to something different.

As far as your DIL not wanting to do Christmas with you just remember your DS has a voice too. Don't put all the blame on her if he hasn't spoken up and said that he wants to spend Christmas with his side of the family also. It gets old being the person who is always blamed even though you are not the only one to make the decision. Your DS has faults too. You knew that he had them when he lived with you and they didn't magicially get cleared out of him and all put into your DIL. I don't know the whole story behind them not spending time with you but more than likely they made the decision together. Even if they didn't make the decision together if he hasn't said anything then he has made the decision to go along with her.

 

[piratesmate]

Oh - I forgot about the not spending all day in the car part....

DH & I always said that when we had kids we wouldn't spend the day driving to relatives houses. They could come to us if they wanted. Everyone knew it well before we had kids. We were young & let them pressure us into continuing "the tradition" of spending the day with them. We were the only ones with kids and I was the only one with living ILs, so everyone else had no place else to go anyway. It took us a few years before we finally said enough is enough. It's tough to take the kids out of the house with all their new things there.

Maybe that's all she meant...Christmas is for families - meaning Mom, Dad & the kids. I usually say "Christmas is for kids." However, you need to know that I'm not just a kid when it comes to Christmas...I'm a big BABY!

When I was little, our grandparents came to us. Later in the evening, we all piled into the car to go see our cousins & it eventually became a caravan.

My point is that maybe there is some way of compromising?

 

[inaminute]

We (dh and myself) and my two daughters get very detailed Christmas lists from my DIL as to what to get her children for Christmas and birthdays - right down to catalog numbers and prices.

Man, what I wouldn't give to receive a list like that!!! It would be great to know exactly what my DIL, sons, and grandson want! I HATE spending money on things that will just get shoved in a closet because it wasn't "right." I'd much rather get them things I KNOW they're going to love!

My suggestion? Start your own lists. When your DIL presents you with her list give her yours.

 

[inaminute]

Had to add, my MIL always wants measurements instead of sizes!

I think measurements make more sense than sizes.

Measurements can be utilized for all manufacuturers. Sizes can't. The can (and do!) vary from designer to designer. Even clothing sizes from the same manufacturer with the same designer name can vary from style to style--as much as two sizes! A size 8 in one designer/brand can be a size 10 or even a size 6 from another!

 

[ckmommy]

I find it amazing that their are some people that would not want to spend Christmas with their families. That it is too hard to get the kids out of the house. I have five children and we are leaving the house for Christmas, in fact we are going to our families houses for Christmas and they live 1300 miles away. Even when we lived 90 miles away from our families, we always went to visit them on Christmas. Yes, the kids want to play with there new things, but they will be there the next day and the day after that... It really strikes a nerve in me when people say that they don't want to be with there families on Christmas because it is too much of a hassle. Come on. Christmas is a time to bring people together. To remember. To celebrate.

Maybe ya'll should think out how you would feel if your children say in 20 years, gee my own family is more important than being with you. So were are not coming to your house. Enjoy your Christmas alone. I know I would feel awful.

 

[mrsltg]

We do lists. I find it much easier. Of course you can still buy something different from on the list. The list is mainly for ideas. Now when it comes to DD (soon to be 4) I make an exact list of the things that she would like and I divide it up. I ask the family to please not buy a different Barbie than what's on the list because someone else may have that Barbie on their list. Everyone gets lots of ideas and everyone is very happy to have it. They also usually buy DD an outfit that they like. I think it's perfectly appropriate.

For DH and I, we give ideas, as well. My DH loves music, books, and computer games. To try and guess at what he does or doesn't have would be impossible. Instead he makes one list of things that he wants, gives it to me, and I let everyone know. My stuff is easier because I love to cook. People will usually give me things from Williams Sonoma. If I have it I'll just exchange it. I also say something like, "I really would like a set of towels for the master bath. I think something in the light blue range would work best." I don't think that it's a bad idea. For my list for "Santa" I give catalogue item numbers and exact descriptions. It doesn't stop DH from getting things he thinks I might like, but it also gives him so solid stuff that I want.

Erin

 

[mrsltg]

Maybe ya'll should think out how you would feel if your children say in 20 years, gee my own family is more important than being with you. So were are not coming to your house. Enjoy your Christmas alone. I know I would feel awful.

I take offense to this. My DH is a cop. He works holidays. If we went somewhere for Christmas (both families live 5 hours away) we'd be leaving him home. Our Christmas's are spent just the three of us. It's not the way that I grew up, but it's the way it is.
We also will not spend Christmas overnight at someone else's home. Our DD deserves to wake up in her home on Christmas morning. She deserves to have the excitement of Santa coming down HER chimney. She deserves to have her new toys ready to be played with and not get the "too many pieces to take out here. We'll open this at home." In 20 years, when she is grown and we are retired I will FULLY expect to travel to see her and her family. The magic of Christmas is for the children, the adults should be deriving their joy from that.

Our Christmas is wonderful. We wake up and have the excited opening of presents and I make cinnamon bread. We spend the day leisurely relaxing. I start putting out appetizers in the early afternoon and then we have a wonderful dinner on the fine linens and china. We play games together, we take a walk together, we spend the day, TOGETHER. It doesn't get much less alone than that.

Now answer why DH's family can't be bothered spending the holiday at our house - they act as though it's a surprise every year he has to work even though he's been doing it for 14 years. My Mom is a nurse and still has to work the holidays. This is the break down for our family. Sorry if you can't see that our holiday is just as nice and meaningful as yours.

Erin

 

[Castlebound]

Amy as the saying goes, to each their own. It is a personal choice made by that family for that family. It makes me angery when people decide that just because they do something one way everybody should also. I would NEVER want to have Christmas morning anywhere but my own house while my kids are at home. We do enough running the rest of the holiday season. Those few hours Christmas morning are ours. If the grandparents want to spend Christmas morning with our kids they are more than welcome to come over that morning.

When our kids have families of their own I expect that they will want to have their family time on Christmas morning, and I will respect that. As long as I get to see them sometime during the holidays that is all that will matter. All of our family lives within 60 miles of each other so we don't have to do cross country treks for the holidays. If we did we would probably visit between Thanksgiving and Christmas for a holiday visit, and spend Christmas at home. I think that people get too wrapped up in having to have all the family there the day of the holiday. Some people want to spend time with their extended family, but also have traditions of their own.

 

[ckmommy]

I quess I need to clarify something. I am not saying that you need to be at families home all of Christmas. I am all for staying at home in the morning and having a nice quiet Christmas (did I say quiet and Christmas in the same sentence??) morning. I am saying that if it is possible (meaning you live within 2 or so driving hours of family), Christmas dinner should be spent with family. Of course this is only my opinion.

mrsltg,
My father was a police officer as well. He worked every Christmas that I can remember. Even when he had the day off , he would go to the station and let those officers with young kids at home be at home for a few hours to enjoy Christmas morning. He was the Captian, so I guess he was allowed to dismiss the officers for a time if he felt it was possible. That being said, we also lived in the same town as the rest of our family. So we always had Chirstmas together with family. Working on a holiday and living 5 hours away= not being with family on Christmas. My point I guess would be that I would hope you find a different day to celebrate a "Family Christmas."

 

[katerkat]

Honestly, I don't think my family can deal without lists. Mom keeps a very detailed one that is added to all year, and also tallies up what people have said they're getting each person so there's no overlap. We very rarely have overlap and everyone gets stuff they want. Now, DH's family doesn't do lists, so we end up with presents we don't really want (I'm sorry, I know I love Disney, but I don't need six Minnie Mouse picture frames because that's the Disney stuff you could find.) Plus, we never have any idea what they want, either. I hate shopping like that.

Maybe ya'll should think out how you would feel if your children say in 20 years, gee my own family is more important than being with you. So were are not coming to your house. Enjoy your Christmas alone. I know I would feel awful.

Well, that's probably because you didn't deal with the Christmas we did last year. I'm sorry, but after that disaster of *really* spending Christmas driving around, there's no chance I'll repeat it with my baby. Next Christmas, Baby Russ's first, will be spent with me and my DH at our home. I can't think of many things more awful than trying to please three sets of families on who gets to see Russ do what on Christmas Day.

And if you want to know what's truly awful for Christmas - my DH will be deployed this year and I have a small chance of being on bedrest, so I wouldn't be able to fly to see my parents. That's what I would consider an awful Christmas, not spending time with your own immediate family.

 

[mrsltg]

My father was a police officer as well. He worked every Christmas that I can remember. Even when he had the day off , he would go to the station and let those officers with young kids at home be at home for a few hours to enjoy Christmas morning. He was the Captian, so I guess he was allowed to dismiss the officers for a time if he felt it was possible. That being said, we also lived in the same town as the rest of our family. So we always had Chirstmas together with family. Working on a holiday and living 5 hours away= not being with family on Christmas. My point I guess would be that I would hope you find a different day to celebrate a "Family Christmas."

Sorry for coming down so hard! I get really hot under the collar about this issue because of DH's family. As I said, he's been doing this for 14 years and they won't budge. They can't understand why he can't be off like everyone else. DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!

Again, sorry!

Erin

 

[marlasmom]

I should have clarified. She started the Christmas with family long before they had children. Family meant HER family. I saw no reason why they couldn't spend an hour or so with us - it would have meant a lot to my grandson. We were never invited to their house to see their kids open their presents. I agree - my son is a dweeb - but he is caught between a rock and a hard place. He just told me he is thinking of coming down here by himself - wants to see his father which I think is important sad to say.

I just feel that presenting me with her order is rude - but I fill the list. One of my daughters is a single mom. She is a nurse and works at some time on most holidays. For instance, she is working overnight on Christmas Eve. We work around that - always have - always will. However her "order" from DIL was for a Belle dress from DIS for my grandaughter, complete with all the accessories and long white gloves. That is an expensive stretch for her - but she'll do it. (or I will).

I just want to have the fun of shopping for the children myself. The sweaters from LL Bean are more of a gift to the parents - they are 100% cotton for comfort and knowing DIL, she will get a charge out of having everyone dressed alike. At least it will make a cute Christmas picture. My other daughter made me promise never to do that for her family (lol). I think I have a lot of fun stuff for the kids. Next year when my other daughter as a baby will be a blast as grandson is getting too old for toys - although I have some great things for him this year - a build-it yourself ball tower from Knex and a karaoke machine that makes videos, as well as a lot of other stuff.

When my kids were little I had the whole family - both sides - as well as aunts, uncles, neighbors, friends of my dad's and MIL's who were elderly and had no place to go, people from India who taught with my BIL, the gay guy who worked for my sister, and on and on. I had gifts for everybody, a great dinner and I loved it and miss it.