Grandmom providing daycare

[Jaimee]

I agree that you are being EXTREMELY generous. I'm a single mom to DS 7(single as in NO dad in the picture at all...) I work full time and struggled when DS was small paying over $1000 in daycare expenses. I didn't get to live in the place I wanted, but that wasn't a priority at that time. I've made many sacrifices, and I think you DIL will have to face the fact that she may need to do the same. You should either work out a formal agreement as other's have stated, or at least make sure she's willing to meet you half way. She's VERY lucky to have someone like you to even offer you help. Good luck in your decsion!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I hate to be the reason they can not stay.

Patty you are never the reason they cannot stay. They are getting divorce, that is why DIL can not stay. Don't let her put a guilt trip on you.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I, too, think your offer is very generous. However there are some things that come to mind that you need to think about long and hard and discuss with dh before making a decision. Many of these have been mentioned by other posters.

1. What if you and dh decide you would like to take a spur of the moment vacation?

2. What if you or dh get sick and can't watch the kids? What if one of you is hospitalized? What if one of you requires a lot of care once you are at home recovering from illness/surgery? What if another family member needs your help?

3. If ddil gets a new job, she most likely will not have a lot of vacation and may not be able to request certain times off that would coincide with your vacation.

4. I would not let ddil dictate when you and dh get to go on vacation.

5. The HOUSE. While it may be a "beautiful" house, etc., it may turn out to be more than she can handle on her own--financially and with upkeep. They may not need such a big home now that she is going back to work and your ds is not living there. Sounds like it would be better to find a smaller home for her and the two kids in a nice neighborhood that would be within her budget and would allow her to find daycare. Then you could be her backup daycare instead of primary daycare. You could take care of the kids when they are sick, the other sitter is gone, emergencies arise, etc. That would allow you to still travel and do your other things.

6. Don't give up your entire life just so she can remain in a house! You need to have time with your friends and to do the things that you want to do as well. You need to feel free to take off and leave with your dh as you want. You do not want to become resentful or feel tied down--not saying that you would, but it could happen.

7. Your ddil needs to meet you partway on this. Yes, her life is changing. She needs to look at it realistically and do what she needs to do. If they move, they will miss the "house" for awhile, but they can make the new house into their home. That would help her budget--mortgage and living expenses, allow her to find daycare, allow you to watch your gk's occasionally and still have your life.

8. I also agree that your ds needs to help out with some weeks/days when the daycare provider cannot watch the kids.

Please don't be "guilted" into anything since it was your ds who left. They--ds and ddil--are adults and have to make their own choices. You have raised your children and now should be able to enjoy your grandchildren without being pressured to help out on ddil terms. It seems like "staying in the house" is a big concern. As others have stated, there are other houses within her budget that they could move into. They will all adjust and move on.

JMHO

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

Here are my thoughts on the matter: If you retired early because stress at work was affecting your health, you might want to reconsider offering full-time care for two young kids. I don't know about other moms, but I find being home with two kids VERY STRESSFUL!!! I am not joking when I say it has taken years off my life.

Please, please don't put your health or your enjoyment of your retirement in jeopardy to help out your Ds/Dil. I know I would NEVER want my mother to give up lunches out with her friends or trips or anything because she is tied down by taking care of my kids. I also could not live with the fact that my mom or MIL was taking on a HUGE burden just so I could stay in an expensive home!!

Please reconsider. I think the Dil should move to a more affordable home, she and your Ds should pay for daycare, and you should be the back-up or part-time babysitter. My Sil used to put her kids in daycare 3 days a week and the other two they would stay with her mother. That sounds like a perfect arrangement for your situation.

Please, think of yourself in this matter. You deserve a good retirement, not to spend your days basically being a mom again. You already did that for your kids.

 

[KirstenB]

Has DIL ever worked when she had kids? I'm asking because she seems like maybe she hasn't. She might be envisioning getting a job and only getting 2 wks of vacation to start with. She's also probably totally overwhelmed with the stress level in her life right now. Talk to your son--he needs to step up to the plate. Regardless of what daycare situation she chooses, he still needs to be prepared to take vacation days to cover sick kids/ kid's dr appts, etc. See if the 3 of you can make this work so that you still get to go on vacation with your husband. There is a daycare here called Bundle of Joy that accepts drop-ins. I'm not sure if they're a national chain, or just local.

 

[chrissyk]

No advice, but I wanted to say that I think that you are being seriously generous. My grandmother watched me while my parents worked, and I think that that was very generous of her as well. It doesn't seem so common in this day-and-age, because a lot of grandparents still have to work themselves or else are otherwise occupied. I hope that your DIL finds a way to take you up on your offer, because the kids can only benefit from the situation. I have very fond memories of being home with my grandmother

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow, what a mess!!!!

#1--you are feeling guilty because it is your son who has caused this whole mess, if I remember your story correctly. I'm not going to tell you to stop feeling guilty, but I will tell you that your son is an adult and has made his choices, and his poor choices are not your fault. Bending over backwards & reworking your life to suit your DIL's needs is not going to change that fact. You, as his mother, cannot make up for his bad behavior.

#2--if the house is creating this huge burden, then the house needs to go. I am sure it is a lovely home. I am sure it is in a lovely nieighborhood. I am sure they have lovely neighbors...of course, she can't depend on any of these lovely neighbors for back-up childcare, can she, so are they really that lovely??? But the house is be becoming a burden, and therefore, your DIL needs to think about moving to an equally lovely home that she can afford, without it causing such dire financial straits that if she has to pay for 2 or 3 weeks or daycare, she loses the house. One's finances should never be so "close" that one little "blip" makes the whole thing fail!!!

#3--your offer is very generous. If DDIL is trying to imply anything less, then she is wrong and you need to tell her.

#4--your DS needs to step up to the plate here. Either by working out childcare options for when you & DH want to travel, or by providing more financial support to DDIL so she can stay in the house. If DS thinks it is highly important that his children are able to remain in that home, then he need to do something about. This is the "paying the piper" part of that old saying "when you want to dance, you have to pay the piper".

#5--your DDIL needs to become more realistic in her expectations of those around her. Perhaps she hasn't worked in a while, since it sounds as if she has been raising her family, being a SAHM. It sounds as if she has been "blindsided" by your DS's actions, and is flailing about. But for the sake of her own sanity and that of her children, she needs to sit down and think clearly. The situation isn't fair to her...no one will argue that point. But life isn't always fair, and that's a shame. She needs to develop a budget, she needs to determine how much she will be able to earn working, she needs to determine how much "lifestyle" she will be able to support. She is not the first person who has unexpectedly been turned into a single parent, either through death or divorce, and she won't be the last. Sometimes difficult decisions need to be made.

I wish your family the best through these difficult times.

 

[EthansMom]

Your DIL isn't currently working. Unless she has a great education and work experience, she's unlikely to get a job that will allow her to afford her current house. That's not your fault and it's not her fault, it's just the reality of the situation.

IMO, your son shouldn't give up the equity in the house so easily. After all, in most states, DS would be required to pay some alimony to his SAHM wife while she gets on her own feet. And he'll be required to pay child support. And he'll be required to pay for health insurance for the kids. And he'll be required to pay for a good portion of childcare costs.

You need to stop feeling guilty and tell both DIL and DS that they need to talk to either a good mediator (which is less expensive) or attorneys.

It sounds as though you might be better off being the back-up childcare person for when DS and DIL's primary childcare is unavailable or when the kids are sick.

 

[Patty3]

Thanks for all your input. DS is giving her 100% of the proceeds of the house, about $100,000 and the contents. He will be doing this in lieu of spousal support. He will be paying about $1500 in child support monthly. He will also be responsible for the children's medical and dental. DDIL will also get a 1 yr old car, paid in full and he is taking the older car. Our area is very expensive. They paid $375k for their house and it is now worth about $525. DDIL did work before they moved here and she does have a college education. She will probably earn about $40k to start. Realistically, I do not think that even with me providing free day care that she would be able to stay in the house, I just do not know. She really needs to talk to a lender. My DS does not even know this is going on. She does not want him to know that she is looking for a job right now. I told DDIL that he needs to keep the kids when we go away for at least two of those weeks. The problem is that DS is living with his girlfriend and DDIL does not let him see the girls more than two or three times a week, nor does she want them at the GF's place. Even if I am providing the daycare, she has told me that he is not to see them more than that. I do not want to get in the middle of this between them. I am really stuck in between a rock and a hard place there. I did metnion to her that maybe I should be the back up and she got really upset. She is afraid of what life has in store for her and I do feel bad. All of you who said that I feel guilty because my DS did this to her, you are right on. I am truly ashamed that he left her.

 

[kasar]

Honestly Patty, I know you feel guilty and want to help them but you've raised your children. It's time for them to raise theirs. You're being very generous and I would be on my knees thanking you if I had an offer like that. How about they find regular day-care and use grandma as a backup? I know it's hard but it's hard for everyone. They'll make it work.

If you're like most moms, you've sacrificed so much and now it's your time to be a little selfish and enjoy your time. You should travel with your DH whenever you want which is why you're not working full time to begin with. I'm sure it won't be easy, though! Best of luck.

 

[Hillbeans]

.

I understand your DIL's position, but ya know what? You can only do what you can do, and what you offered to do was truly the nicest, generous gift anyone could receive.

I hope things work out for you.

I think this quote says it all. You're willing if but for 4 weeks of the year, to watch her children free of charge. I'd give my right arm and my left leg for this assistance. I'm sure she's not meaning any harm by her comment to you about "all or nothing" but IMO she's being unreasonable. Many daycares and home care take "Drop in's" and it's not much of a scheduling change if you arrange it far in advance.

 

[justjulie]

Unfortunately, you are already in the middle. If she is telling you things and asking you not to tell your son, you're going to get hurt in the outcome. They are grown adults and, for the sake of the children, must stay civil to each other and make some decisions. You cannot take the burden of your son's actions on your shoulders - you will end up the loser in the situation and you have a lot to lose - your son, your daughter-in-law and those precious grandchildren - is it worth it? You and your husband have raised your children and you owe it to yourself and your husband to enjoy yourselves - please, think this through VERY carefully.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

When I first commented I was all for this - but reading your last post has me a bit worried. DIL needs to know that you are still DS's mother. Whether you realize it or not, DS is going to come over to your house to see his kids and you will be stuck in the middle. DIL doesn't even have a job yet, I think you all need to sit down and figure this out together, these are THEIR kids not yours. You are really giving up a lot for your son, it looks likes he coming out like roses - living with GF - sooner or later DIL is going to have to let the kids see GF. It must be serious for DS and GF if there is a divorce pending. It all seems too new to everyone to be making this lifestyle commitements, I think you (Patty) need to reevaluate your offer.

 

[princess momma]

I'm sure you love your grandchildren and want what is best for them, but think long and hard about what that is. Maybe some of this could be guilt you are feeling about your son leaving his family. It is not your fault. He is an adult and it is his responsibility to take care of his family. A house is not what is important to those children, they don't care how beautiful it is. The breakup of their family is the most important issue right now.

It's very generous of you to offer to help, but it is NOT your job to provide daily care for them. Love them, support them, be their grandma.

As for your DIL she needs to get used to the fact that things are going to change.

During my SIL's divorce my MIL traveled 3 hours each way to stay with her and watch the kids during the week, so SIL could work and pursue a masters degree. My FIL retired at 50, hoping to travel and spend time with his wife, but died suddenly of a heart attack. My MIL found him dead when she came back home for the weekend. She can't get that time back.

I don't mean to scare you, but you've worked hard and raised your own children, don't raise your childrens children. IT'S YOUR TURN!

 

[chrissyk]

I have a question. You say that the area where you all live is very expensive. Are you afraid that your DIL and grandchildren will have to move away from the area if you don't provide this incredible amount of free childcare for her? If so, that would be an understandable motivation, but where does it end? I watched my old neighbors take massive advantage of her mother in terms of free childcare, financial assistance to support their lifestyle, etc. Every week, it seemed like grandma was contributing just a little more. I was sad for her, because she truly felt that it was her responsibility to support their lifestyle, care for their kids, etc. She put herself in that position to begin with, but then after a while I don't think that she knew how to get herself out of it. If you do end up providing this free childcare for your DIL, I think that you should sit down and spell out the particulars right off the bat.

 

[massielovesdisney]

I am a at home daycare provider and I agree with most of these posts.
DO NOT give up your vacations!
DO NOT agree to help pay for her back up care.
You are being totally supportive and I fear if you bend any more she will continue to manipulate you. She has a nice home and probably a nice car as well. In my experience people only like to pay for the things that help in acheiving social status. For some unknown reason many do not wish to pay for daycare. I just finished working 6 days a week day and night giving up all my weekends for the last year. The parents will take off work for their vacations, sick days, for any silly reason at all, but, when I wanted to take a vacation myself to spend quality time with my family someone always complains. What are they gonna do! I am very reliable and take very few days off a year but somehow it is never enough. She will be able to deduct her daycare expenses which will help. What sacrifices can she make to be able to afford the few weeks a year, cheaper car, clothes, less take-out food.You have earned the right to be retired and many grandparent are pressured into providing FT daycare for the GK it turns a positive and rewarding situation into a chore. Stick to your guns you deserve to enjoy some of your free time too.

 

[Disney Doll]

I can acertainly understand that your DDIL is probably completely spedafigated right now, in terms of her life.

For her sake and the ske of her children though, she needs to get out of this "victim" mentality and take back her life!!!

Poor her...her husband letf her for another woman...she's not the first.

Poor her...her MIL is willing to watch her kids 48 weeks out of the year and that's not enough!!!

Poor her...she's getting a house worth $$1/2 million and $100,000 worth of furnishings.

Poor her...she has had the luxury of being a SAHM, and now she has to go back to work.

Poor her...she may have to sell the $1/2 million house and buy something smaller.

Poor her...she doesn't want the children to see their father more than a couple of times per week.

Poor her...she wants to dictate to everyone how everyone should behave, how they should act, what they should do.

News flash....like or not, your DS is the the childrens' father, and when the divorce is all said and done, the divorce decree will dictate how often he gets to see the children, and where and when. She will need to go back to work, she will need to move, she will need to face the reality of her life and what it has become.

No one is oging to deny that she got screwed...no offense intended to you Patty, but she did. Eventually we all lose patience with the victim though.

For everyone's sake, I hope she chooses to live in happiness and not anger and bitterness.

 

[wilderness01]

Very to the point Disney Doll.

I have to agree that it sounds like she is being unreasonable and unwilling to bend. She can't have it her way or the highway. News flash, you are doing her the favor. Yes you love your grandchildren, but she sounds like she is using them just a bit with you. Kind of like the carrot on the stick dangling in front of the horse, so to speak. Yes you feel guilty, but you shouldn't. It was your son's decision to leave his marriage. Period. If she is truly how you are portraying her, maybe he got tired of it all being her way or no way. No now I am not saying you should go and have an affair or leave your family. But from what you are saying she sounds way selfish. Perhaps she is only being this way because she is scared, but news flash again, she isn't the first or last woman that this will happen to. Don't let her bully you, because that is exactly what she sounds like she is doing. I don't like the part where you stated that your son can only see the kids on his stated days per her demand. It sounds like she is trying to pit your son and you against each other. Bad mistake. You will be the one getting hurt. Rethink your offer and be the back up. It sounds like nothing will be good enough for this girl. Good luck to you.

 

[EthansMom]

Patty,

Even though it sounds as if your DS is being a shmuck by divorcing his wife for another woman, he is still entitled to have access to your children. Your DIL sounds like she's trying to control and limit your DS's access, which isn't right of her to do and, moreso, isn't right of her to ask you to do for her.

If DIL doesn't know what to do about childcare, than that is something she needs to take up with your DS, not with you. It is not your responsibility to clean up your grown son's messes.

Please don't feel guilty. You have worked hard and raised your kid(s) the best you could. You deserve to have the live you've worked hard for. If your DIL isn't appreciative that you are willing to be supportive on your terms, then she's being rediculous. Personally, I think that if you are just willing to be DS and DIL's back-up childcare and to watch the kids occasionally on a weekend, you are being more than generous.

Good Luck!

 

[C.Ann]

Thank you all for being so understanding. To clear up something, DIL does NOT want to move. She loves her house, has great neighbors and wants very badly to stay. The mortgage payment is high and even with refinancing, it will still be high. DS is giving her all the profits and contents of the house. DIL says that she can not afford daycare if she wants to stay in the house. I hate to be the reason they can not stay.

-----------------------

How about SHE does daycare in the "big beautiful house"? If she has the room, no criminal record and is so inclined, she could make more than enough money to live on (when factoring in the child support she will be entitled to from your son as well)..

I'm not a big advocate of parents putting their lives on hold in a situation such as this.. I've watched my DD's in law's do it for 7 years and the resentment is beginning to creep in slowly but surely.. Recently her FIL had a death in his family and he's kicking himself now because he never took the time to visit this person out of state.. Many, many times my DD and her DH offered to find other alternatives but the IL's always nixed it.. A few times my DD and her DH even went ahead and made other arrangements and then they had the guilt trip laid on them about how they were "wasting" their money when they didn't need to.. Now it's coming back to bite the IL's in the butt and there's a lot of regrets..

When I moved in here with my DD and her DH I made it very clear that if I was here - and available (as in "no other plans") - I would be more than happy to help out with my granddaughter BUT my summers would still be spent at the lake and when I had the opportunity to travel, I would be doing so.. I love my granddaughter more than anything in the world, but no one has an unlimited amount of days left to live.. This is IT - there are no second chances - and everyone has to live their lives while they're still healthy and financially able to do so.. By the time your grandchildren are grown you may very well find that it's "too late" - due to illness, financial difficulties or death.. You've already made a more than generous offer - it's up to her to work the rest out..