Grandmom providing daycare

[Patty3]

I am so torn and need advise, not flames. Background, I took an early retirement because of stress at work, which was affecting my health. Since retirement, DH and I travel about three to four weeks a year. My DIL will need to go back to work, since my DS left her and the two kids. DS, right now, is paying all the bills, but since divorce is inevitable, she will need to go to work. I have told her that I will watch the children for her, but that I need a backup for when we go on trips. I am more than willing to give up my daily routine, and twice a week lunches with friends. I am not willing to totally give up trips with DH. Unfortunately, she told me that her mother and sister are not willing to help her. My DIL told me that without my help, she will not be able to stay in their house and will have to move. They have a beautiful home and I would hate to see her move. I love her and the children very much. I am even willing to cut my vacations down, but that does not seem to help her. It seems to be all or nothing. I was hoping that she could find someone in the neighborhood that accepts drop in's and I would pay for the daycare at that time. The children are preschool age. My bestfriend tells me that their welfare is not my responsibility and that DS and DIL need to work this out between them. I am so confused.

 

[safetymom]

Boy, that is a tough one. But I think what you offered is very generous. I think DIL needs to be a little more understanding.

 

[tinaluis]

It's very nice of you to volunteer to watch the grandkids. She's very lucky to have someone like you. (My mom passed before I had kids and my MIL told me that she would "watch the kids if she was my very LAST option". OK, sure, I want you watching our kids). I think you are being very reasonable in your request that she line up a back-up for your vacations. You are already giving up your twice weekly lunches and routines and I think that is a big sacrifice. I'd suggest that she put the word out to other moms in the area to find out if there is anyone nearby who does at-home childcare. I didn't even know that a mom in my neighborhood did at-home care until I put the word out that I was looking for someone.
I know that you don't want her and the kids to have to leave their home, but that may be the only alternative. I find it amazing that her own mother and sister won't help. Good luck to you. I know there are no easy solutions and commend you for trying to do so much.

 

[Wish Upon A Star]

First off, I would like to say that you are being extremely generous by helping out . . .and I'm kind of surprised to see that your DIL is putting all kinds of pressure on you . . .

When my kids were little, I was LUCKY enough to have both my mom and my MIL watch them . . .I wished I could of stayed home with them, but unfortunately that wasn't meant to be for us. I really could not believe my luck in having both of them willing to watch my children while I went off to work. I appreciated their kindness and it gave me piece of mind leaving them with their grandmothers. If for some reason I couldn't get them to watch my children, I would take the time off from my job to stay with my kids.

I understand your DIL's position, but ya know what? You can only do what you can do, and what you offered to do was truly the nicest, generous gift anyone could receive.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[Piglet]

I agree with safetymom. You were very generous to offer your help. I think you DIL (and DS) should be willing to look for someone that could keep the kids occassionally and it shouldn't be your responsibility to pay for their child care. You are a great grandmom and they are so lucky to have someone to help them.

Melinda

 

[Maleficent13]

From what I read, I don't think DIL is being un-understanding. It's that she can't find someone to cover for those 3-4 weeks a year. I know the problem.

Perhaps she could make time off a condition of hire when she gets a job, so that she herself could take the week off when you are on vacation?

I do agree with your best friend a little though; it sounds as if DIL is saying she can handle daycare if they move, but you are the one saying you don't want them to move. It's not really your concern where they live, as long as it's clean and safe. She's got to do what she needs to do to make her life work in the situation she's got.

 

[RadioFanatic]

my mother watches my dsis's two kids and it drives me crazy b/c they never bend their schedule for my mother. my mom only takes time off with dad during the weeks my dsis and bil decide to take vacation - it should be the other way around. Any job your dil would get should have vacation time so she should coordinate it to your schedule - and you need to make sure she does so.

I would also call her mother and sis and ask why they are being such PITA's.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Wow- you are a great grandma! Don't however- do ALL the sacrificing here. If dil lives in a beautiful home, perhaps she could move to a "nice" home to cut costs. Yes- it stinks to have to do that, but that's what you do when you can't afford to live that lifestyle any more. DO NOT give up your vacations with dh. If there is guilt involved cause your ds left her, squelch it- you are doing enough by offering childcare. She'll just need to find someone who can cover when you can't be there- any other mother would have a back-up person for their kids. Sounds to me like she might not really be looking for a back-up. It shouldn't be all or nothing- that's not fair to you.

Jackie

I am so torn and need advise, not flames. Background, I took an early retirement because of stress at work, which was affecting my health. Since retirement, DH and I travel about three to four weeks a year. My DIL will need to go back to work, since my DS left her and the two kids. DS, right now, is paying all the bills, but since divorce is inevitable, she will need to go to work. I have told her that I will watch the children for her, but that I need a backup for when we go on trips. I am more than willing to give up my daily routine, and twice a week lunches with friends. I am not willing to totally give up trips with DH. Unfortunately, she told me that her mother and sister are not willing to help her. My DIL told me that without my help, she will not be able to stay in their house and will have to move. They have a beautiful home and I would hate to see her move. I love her and the children very much. I am even willing to cut my vacations down, but that does not seem to help her. It seems to be all or nothing. I was hoping that she could find someone in the neighborhood that accepts drop in's and I would pay for the daycare at that time. The children are preschool age. My bestfriend tells me that their welfare is not my responsibility and that DS and DIL need to work this out between them. I am so confused.

 

[Patty3]

Thank you all for being so understanding. To clear up something, DIL does NOT want to move. She loves her house, has great neighbors and wants very badly to stay. The mortgage payment is high and even with refinancing, it will still be high. DS is giving her all the profits and contents of the house. DIL says that she can not afford daycare if she wants to stay in the house. I hate to be the reason they can not stay.

 

[Ava83]

My parents watch my DD3 mom-thurs. There was no way they could do Fridays so I work a flexable week and am off Friday afternoons, while DH take Friday morning. So I am really blessed with that.

When my parents choose to take a vacation, we take vacation time from our jobs. Period end of story, I just ask for a little notice. In fact they just informed me that they may be on vaction for 3 weeks in May. (I will have to enlist MIL for that one...Ava goes on "vacation" to nana's house) But we make it work.

Between the 2 of us we have about 8 weeks of vacation, so we can cover them and take our own.

Your DIL should be more understanding, your offer to help is extremely generous.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

If 3 weeks of daycare are going to break her, then she can't live in the big house anymore. When DD and DS were young, my mom watched them with the full understanding that they go to Florida for Oct and Nov and again from Jan to April. At the time, I didn't have day care lined up, but thats when you start to network and at least for me things did fall into place. Sure the money was tight for us during those months, but the rest of the months we were getting free daycare. There is no reason for you to make ALL the sacrifices, remember, you've been there, done that....time for DIL to grow up.

 

[Tinijocaro]

You are not the reason she can't afford the house- her situation is! She needs to get real- she is being selfish by putting the guilt and burden on you- a retired grandma. Yes, it would be nice if she could stay, but she can't afford it, and that has nothing to do with you. Please don't let her guilt you into this. There are many homes out there in great neighborhoods. Things change, and she have to go with it. Have her call me- I'll talk to her!

jackie

 

[justjulie]

You're in a tough spot indeed. I opted not to have my mother watch my children because I wanted her to enjoy them as her grandchildren and not as her daycare charges and vice versa - I wanted my kids to enjoy their grandmother as their grandmother. While I know your intention is to help, if they cannot afford the house then chances are they may not be able to afford other things either. Perhaps moving to a smaller house will allow them some breathing room. Remember, things crop up, school trips, birthday parties, etc. I'd hate to see those children and their mother miss out on everything for a mortgage payment and I'd hate to see you strain your relationship with them over a daycare situation. Check around, there are usually some subsidies available in most daycares and the children may like having a large group of peers to play with.

 

[KelNottAt]

I think your offer is very generous and reasonable. Since DIL has never had to seek daycare, it's obvious she doesn't realize how fortunate she is to have it available to her for free for 48 out of 52 weeks.

My suggestions are these:
1. Hold firm. Tell her that you will cover 48 weeks out of the year. If you really want to be nice, give her the option to choose the 4 weeks of your vacations. But, like I said, that's really being nice.

2. Explain to her that she is really only responsible for back-up coverage for 2 weeks of the year. DS must be responsible for the other 2 weeks. Make them put this all in writing as part of the separation agreement. Hopefully, if she sees she only has a 2-week problem she'll come to her senses.

3. If she continues to be inflexible, then simply state that 48 weeks is the best/most you can do. She'll have to look elsewhere for year-round care. Let her know that your 48-week offer is available at any time if she changes her mind.

4. As a last resort, if you have the means, perhaps you could offer to help her afford year-round day care. Or, if it's really important to keep the house, maybe offer some help with her shelter expenses. This could offset the burden of daycare. (probably at least $1000/month)

5. Finally, both of you might be able to take heart in remembering that this is really just a short/mid-term problem. In a few years, when the kids go to school full time, the daycare needs will diminish and you could likely all find a fair and convenient way to balance their care. For that reason I hope neither of you reach the point of burning a bridge.

Best of luck. After 13 years of day care, I know gaps in coverage are a gut-wrenching experience. I've always envied families whose grandparents live close enough to help out. You've really made a very generous and reasonable offer.

Kelley

 

[tmt martins]

My DM has watched my DD for most of the 12 yrs. she's been alive .Now we live over her bussiness so it does make life easier but we make adjustments to her even if it's last minute.I pay her as I would a daycare provider and that never gets missed .We wouldn't know what to do going to work knowing MY CHILD is being look after by her.

Now I know she loves having DD around but she raised me and DB alone and should have no obligation to watch MY child unless SHE chooses to.

It sounds like you are being put through the GUILT TRIP and you should not bend on your down time.We also take DM & DsD on our trips for us whenever they want to go at no cost to them just another thank you for the peice of mind we get.

 

[jennyl772003]

You are being very generous to offer to watch the kids.

She needs to get real though. You ALWAYS have a back up babysitter. If you give her sufficient warning of your vacation, she should have no trouble finding someone to take the kids.

She is not an only parent from what I understand. Between her and your son, they should be just fine.

Stick to your guns.

 

[grlpwrd]

I'm wondering what your son will be responsible for as he is placing everyone in an awkward, imposing position.

GL in your decision!

 

[Dancind]

My first thought, OP, was do you ever get sick? You can't watch the kids if you're sick, your DIL needs a back-up anyway. And yes, your DS needs to be partly responsible for the care of his kids. Don't let them lay that guilt on you.

 

[gigglesnort]

Why can't your son pay for the daycare?

 

[mickeyfan2]

I think that your original offer is very generous. Your DS and DIL will need to take vacation when you are on vacation or arrange another person to look after thier kids. If she has to leave the home, that is what she has to do. Many divorced Moms have to leave the home. Don't give up any of your time with DH. You never know how long each of you have.