Grandma (My mom) problems Anyone else?

[lovmy2girls]

Does anyone else out there have a mom that lives close (mine lives less than 18 miles away) that does not like to keep her grandchildren??

I have met lots of grandmothers who just love spending time with their grandkids and wish they could spend even more time with them if their kids would let them. I remember my mom sending me to my grandmothers for 1 week at a time growing up. Now I know a week is a bit much, although she let my grandmother do it.

My mom, single, school teacher would rather go out with her friends or go to other family member’s houses, than schedule time for her grandkids. She only has these 2, I'm an only child. She doesn't mind seeing them, sure, if we are coming over to her side of town, or going to go do something like fishing, swimming, going out to eat, or to the movies etc... She wants to go along.

We took her on vacation with us, for those of you who read my trip report, and other than that, she has had them for a total of 72hrs (dropped them off on a Saturday 11:00 am picked them up Monday morning) since she got out of school May 24th, and when she did that, she took them to my Aunts house to spend the night and played in her pool for 2 of those days, she was with of course. Oh, and by the way, she wouldn't keep them at Disney so hubby and I could go do anything by ourselves, like dinner or PI, I don't know why, she never even offered, and I get tired of asking.

Its drives me crazy, because hubby and I really could use a little alone time to get things done. We are stay at home parents, work from home, so we are with these girls 24/7. We were going to the movies today, but my mom is not interested in keeping the girls. AHHHHH! She's at home getting some stuff done. Like that will ever end. But as my husband said, she is missing out. It just hurts and makes me mad at the same time.

Just had to vent. Thanks

 

[Maleficent13]

Time to find a nice, responsible teenager and pay them for their time.

 

[pat fan]

My DMIL was like that, but not my DM. My DMIL would have my DSIL's kids all the time, but God forbid we asked her to watch ours! She got better as our kids got older (she knew they would do stuff around the house for her as opposed to DSIL's kids) but she still never came to any of their events (musicals,games etc....). It was very hurtful so I sympathize with you. Sorry I don't have any sage advice, you can't change the way someone else is. I can only tell you to try and overlook it (BIG request, I know) and just try and enjoy what she is willing to give, even if it's not much, because you never know what will happen. My DMIL passed away 2 years ago this fall and even though she could be a huge pain in the butt and was not much of a mother to my DH, I do still miss her. to you though, I know how you feel.

 

[disykat]

While I agree it's sad she doesn't want to take them more frequently for brief visits, I think it was very generous of her to keep them for 3 days.

 

[Cruisin]

A lot of grandparents love to keep their grandchildren but there are obviously some that don't for whatever reason they have.

Your mother already showed those signs when you were little. She didn't seem to mind sending you off to visit with your own grandmother for extended periods.

Yes, she is definitely missing out on her grandchildrens lives and later on if she feels she wants or needs a closer relationship with them, they most likely will not be interested.

 

[lovmy2girls]

While I agree it's sad she doesn't want to take them more frequently for brief visits, I think it was very generous of her to keep them for 3 days.

Ya your right about that.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Time to find a nice, responsible teenager and pay them for their time.

Yes, your right. I don't know any well, I will have to change that I guess.

 

[lovmy2girls]

My DMIL was like that, but not my DM. My DMIL would have my DSIL's kids all the time, but God forbid we asked her to watch ours! She got better as our kids got older (she knew they would do stuff around the house for her as opposed to DSIL's kids) but she still never came to any of their events (musicals,games etc....). It was very hurtful so I sympathize with you. Sorry I don't have any sage advice, you can't change the way someone else is. I can only tell you to try and overlook it (BIG request, I know) and just try and enjoy what she is willing to give, even if it's not much, because you never know what will happen. My DMIL passed away 2 years ago this fall and even though she could be a huge pain in the butt and was not much of a mother to my DH, I do still miss her. to you though, I know how you feel.

I thought when they were new borns that is why she didn't want to keep them. Keeping babies is hard, so I understood. Now they are at such a fun age she could do all kinds of things with them. Now its more out of duty. I think she kept them for the 2 nights to get it over with. I've kept them during the summer, now its done kind of thing. She doesn't keep them during the school year because she has church on Sunday. I can understand that, so I don't ask. She starts back to school the last week of July, and I don't think we will see or hear from her. She's busy. Unless she needs something

Your a much bigger person than I am, I mean that sincerely.

 

[Amy]

Oh boy, can I ever relate! We have 2 boys who are now 14 and 16. We discovered early on that my MIL would NEVER be permitted to be alone with our boys (long story short, DS16 is allergic to peanuts and when he was about 4 or 5 she and I almost got into a big fight because she wouldn't take his peanut allergy seriously).

My parents were like yours - when I was growing up, I remember EVERY summer my brother and I were shipped off to my Grandma's for 2 weeks. We had lots of fun, and I cherish those memories with my Gram.

Then I got married and had kids. My brother is also married, but they don't have any kids, so my two are the only grandkids for my parents. It was like pulling teeth to even get my parents to watch the boys for a couple of hours just so we could go out to dinner alone! I got so frustrated that we found a teenager in the neighborhood to watch them. Pretty sad when letting a teenager watch your kids is less stressful than your own parents, huh?

Fast-forward to 2002 - I got breast cancer. I think that finally woke up my parents, and DH asked them to watch the boys so we could go away for a weekend (Fri night - Sun afternoon) to celebrate the end of my treatments. We were only going to a resort 1.5 hours away, but you would have thought we were going to Europe! Plus, the boys were a lot older, so they didn't have to worry about diapers or potty training or any of that stuff; just basically keep them from killing each other. Oldest DS had an activity to go to Saturday, so I made arrangements for another mom to pick him up and bring him home; he has his own housekey, so they didn't even have to worry about that. Youngest DS had hockey practice, so all they had to do was take him to the ice rink, sit there for an hour during practice and bring him home. You should have heard them complain about that!

Needless to say, that was the last time we asked my parents to watch the boys. Mom died last year, and now Dad won't even watch our dog when we go on vacation, so there's no way I'm going to ask him to watch the boys!

Right now, I'm just counting down the next 4 years until they're both in college and DH and I can finally have some time alone.

You are not alone.

 

[lecach]

I don't blame you for being bothered. My Dad and step Mom live about 1 hr, 20 minutes from us. They stopped by to see our new house on their way back from the coast yesterday. It was the first time they have been to see DS since his birthday in December. And they only stayed an hour! My Dad did see DS in March when I went to his house. But other than that neither has made any effort. Forget about keeping him - dad and stepmom dont even SEE him. My Mom says that maybe they just dont feel comfy around little kids. But she said he was good with me when I was little. I just dont get it . It does hurt me a bit but they are the ones missing out. DS has a great relationship with my Mom and stepdad and my inlaws. Luckily we have plenty of people we can have watch him whenever we need some alone time.

 

[barkley]

have a friend who was in the same situation-saddened that her parents did'nt seem interested in spending time with or keeping the kids. then i reminded her of how her parents were never the type that came to HER or her db's school activities, how their rare "family vacations" were visits to places her parents wanted to go (with little regard if there was anything for the kids to do)...they were good people who clothed, housed and fed her-provided her with emotional support and encouragement, but they had never been "kid oriented"...she said her dh had said the same thing but she had always "hoped" it would be different with "grandkids". those kids are now almost adults and nothing has changed, except as they gotton older and can interact more as adults with the grandparents they have found mutual interests they share and enjoy the time they do spend together.

i understand it's hard being around the kids 24/7-i'm in the same boat and mine are the only grandkids for my mom/3 siblings. i would love to have an offer of someone taking the kids for an activity for even a few hours out with my dh-but my mom is not able to health/age wise and my brothers did not opt to have kids for the very reason that they are not "kid people". so maybe twice a year our sitter can come over so we can go out for a few hours, but mostly we try our best to save like mad for infrequent vacations that have kid's programs that will allow them to have some fun while we get some "alone time" (but when we budget the vacation we know that the wdw kid's clubs for instance will cost us such that our alone time will not be at a fancy restaurant-it may just be using the park hopper to walk around epcot and grab a bite, but it's still some alone time). as the kids get older they will get into activities that will afford us more down time-dd is old enuf to go to sleepaway camp for a couple of weeks this years, so going down to just one kid for a couple of weeks will make a big difference stress/exhaustion wise.

i'm waiting for the "guilt tripping" to start from my side and dh's sibs (who we almost never see) when we move across the country next year. i know we'll hear about how we're pulling apart the family. but honestly, if family is only those you see on holidays, and are the last people who come to your assistance in times of medical emergency (i guess when i had 2 strokes in 6 months and the kids were younger it never occured to anyone to offer to dh and i abit of respite care) i can't see that being in close proximity makes much of a difference (and i have one married sib who live 2 BLOCKS away!).

 

[MamaLema]

Does anyone else out there have a mom that lives close (mine lives less than 18 miles away) that does not like to keep her grandchildren??

I have met lots of grandmothers who just love spending time with their grandkids and wish they could spend even more time with them if their kids would let them. I remember my mom sending me to my grandmothers for 1 week at a time growing up. Now I know a week is a bit much, although she let my grandmother do it.

My mom, single, school teacher would rather go out with her friends or go to other family member’s houses, than schedule time for her grandkids. She only has these 2, I'm an only child. She doesn't mind seeing them, sure, if we are coming over to her side of town, or going to go do something like fishing, swimming, going out to eat, or to the movies etc... She wants to go along.

We took her on vacation with us, for those of you who read my trip report, and other than that, she has had them for a total of 72hrs (dropped them off on a Saturday 11:00 am picked them up Monday morning) since she got out of school May 24th, and when she did that, she took them to my Aunts house to spend the night and played in her pool for 2 of those days, she was with of course. Oh, and by the way, she wouldn't keep them at Disney so hubby and I could go do anything by ourselves, like dinner or PI, I don't know why, she never even offered, and I get tired of asking.

Its drives me crazy, because hubby and I really could use a little alone time to get things done. We are stay at home parents, work from home, so we are with these girls 24/7. We were going to the movies today, but my mom is not interested in keeping the girls. AHHHHH! She's at home getting some stuff done. Like that will ever end. But as my husband said, she is missing out. It just hurts and makes me mad at the same time.

Just had to vent. Thanks

Yep, that about sums up life with my mom.

She lives less than 10 minutes away. I can see her workplace from my house. My oldest is 10 and she has baby-sat a total of about 2 times in his life.

I'm an only child so these are her only 3 grandchildren. My mom is not interested in our lives but will drop everything for her friends. By the way, my grandma raised me so it's not like she can use the exuse of "I did my time, it's time to live my life"

My MIL and FIL are the exact opposite. They're the best grandparents you could ever ask for...but they live in South America

 

[Planogirl]

Some people just aren't kids people IMO. My mother wasn't all that interested in babysitting my son but I don't think that it was because she didn't care about him. I always felt that she was a bit uncomfortable with children and really didn't want to be left alone with him all that often.

I think that you're just going to have to accept that this is the way things are and try to find other relatives or friends that can watch your kids. I don't see any other way to handle it without causing bad feelings.

 

[paigevz]

My mom has the opposite problem: she wants the kids more than she gets them! My older ds is a homebody, and used to like to go to Grandma's, but would want to come home again pretty quickly..........now he doesn't even want to go. My Sis in law doesn't like to send her son there for various reasons. My younger son is just now old enough to spend any time there. We all live pretty far away, so it's a big ordeal to get them there, too.

I wish you lived nearer me, I'd take your girls for an afternoon.........sometimes I just REALLy want to do some girly stuff!

 

[Dznypal]

back in 1994 was our first family trip with my side--my kids were 12 and 10-

my DH got the idea that we should go a few days earlier and spend some time alone at Disney so we asked MIL if she would take them for 2 nites (they were in school so for the day part they werent even going to be around)

she did take them but my DS (the 12 yr old) was really upset--he said why should we go now they dont want us any other time!!!

which was true--she never would just call and take them or just one at a time for the nite or weekend!!

my mom on the other hand always had the kids overnite she had her own special things shed do with each one--my DS was either movies or the church bingo DD was baking or mini golf and when she got older was shopping

my mom still talks about the special times she had with the grandkids--she now has 9!!! and has stories about each one!!

MIL on the other hand only has the 2 G-kids and never really spent that much time with them

its sad--DS got married 2 years ago--(no kids yet) and DD is getting married next month and Im alredy planning on doing the things my mom did with my kids and my grandma did with me Im looking forward to building these memories with my future g-kids

 

[lovmy2girls]

My mom has the opposite problem: she wants the kids more than she gets them! My older ds is a homebody, and used to like to go to Grandma's, but would want to come home again pretty quickly..........now he doesn't even want to go. My Sis in law doesn't like to send her son there for various reasons. My younger son is just now old enough to spend any time there. We all live pretty far away, so it's a big ordeal to get them there, too.

I wish you lived nearer me, I'd take your girls for an afternoon.........sometimes I just REALLy want to do some girly stuff!

 

[NMAmy]

Time to find a nice, responsible teenager and pay them for their time.

Yep--what Mal said.

We lived across the country when dd was young. We moved back here when she was about 10. While dd was always close to my dad, my mom is really just not a kid person. She did keep my niece and nephew when they were little but that was about 30 years ago, she had my younger sister and I at home to help, and heck, she was much younger herself. My mom has never cared for teenagers much. She's getting better with dd but she would still never volunteer to have her come stay with her. Mom does come to my rescue when dd misses the bus or needs to come home from school early--so no complaints here.

 

[SadieDog]

Yes, I completely understand what you are feeling. My Mother and I live only a few miles away, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to take even 1 child. So, if she would agree we would still have to find another babysitter. It's hard enough to find 1 sitter let alone 2! It was a rare opportunity that my husband and I got out of the house. If we asked her days before, she did not like to make the commitment b/c she wanted to wait and see if she felt like it the last minute. Sometimes she would even complain when I came to pick them up and tell me that if she didn't have my child she could have been out shopping or something. That of course made me feel worse. There were a few occasions over the years that she would take 1 for a few days, but she always let me know what an inconvenience it was. Suddenly when my kids got older and no longer needed a babysitter she would ask if I needed her to take them. I am determined that someday I am going to be the grandmother that I never had and always wished my children had.

 

[PenskeSth1]

Oh can I relate! My mom and dad live 45 min away from us and have nothing to do with our kids. My parents raised my younger brothers son until he was 10 and now he is 20, they always would go and visit him and my parents would drive right by my house to go see him... I won't get into all of it, but there are 6 kids in our family and they only ever had time for brothers kid...

I always went to my grandparents house for the summer..(I loved it), my mom hated that I would spend the summer there.

My MIL and FIL live 2 hrs away so they did not get to see our kids much except when we would go to visit. They always enjoyed the time with the kids though..they are both in a better place now..

My DH and myself just say "it is there loss" we have 2 great kids 8 and 17... My parents are very selfish and think only of themselves....It is just how it is...

 

[teacherforhi]

Why is it your parents' responsibility to watch your children? I don't understand that attitude. If they're willing, that's great. But I don't understand this lamenting "We can't get a night away, because mom won't watch my kids." Well, they're your kids. She isn't responsible for them.