Giving visitors chores

[Aliceacc]

Why does she care whether they're on their phones all day? She's not their mom.

I would never think of giving guests chores, other than "Katie, could you set the table?" sort of stuff.

 

[ronandannette]

Funny update - she IM'd me a while after sending the spreadsheet to her DH and said "I love him, but he can be such a jerk sometimes" Apparently, he stopped texting her after she sent him the chore list (he is on it right along with the girls LOL). I responded back "well, if that was my DH, he would *not* do the chores if I gave him a spreadsheet like that just on the pure principle of it. And if he gave ME a spreadsheet of what I am going to be doing for the next week, I would laugh and throw it away, but that's just us...."

She didn't respond.

Copy of some of her list:

C Girls Game Plan!

Tuesday:

· Chores

L - Mow Grass

A- Vacuum Family Room & pull front tree weeds

S - Baby Duty

DH - Strip Paint in Downstairs Shower

C (COWORKER) - Dinner


· Dinner: Recipe #1


Wednesday:

· Chores

L - Dust & Vacuum Living Room/Dining Room

A - Baby Duty

S - Kitchen Clean Up

DH - Bathroom Scrub

C - Dinner


· Dinner: Recipe #2

· Magic Night! – DH & girls

Thursday:

· Chores


L - Baby Duty

A - Front Weeds/Stumps w/DH

S - Vacuum Stairs/Upstairs Hallway, Mop and Sweep Floors in Kitchen and Downstairs Bathroom

DH - Front Weeds/Stumps

C - Straighten Office

· Dinner: BBQ!!

· Fire Pit Night w/S’mores

It seems like she doesn't have much of a clue. Her spreadsheet sounds awful--my Dh and kids would be rebelling, big time, if I tried something like that here. I have no problem with the idea of pitching in--helping with dinner, picking up after themselves, and so forth, but stuff like weeding and mowing is way over the top. And I would be judicious on having them watch the toddler--some girls LOVE babysitting, others don't.

My guess is, the nieces will conspire with their uncle to mutiny.

After reading the actual list, it seems like the "Cinderella" thing may have been a bit over-blown. What they basically have, in addition to watching the kid, is one job each per day that should take about an hour. Will they like it? Maybe not, but then again maybe they're used to doing about the same at home.

This week, from it's description, is far from a vacation or even a normal visit. The biggest pitfall I see in it is how board and restless the teens will be, away from their friends and their stuff at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go. They'll get through it, be happy to get the heck out of there and nobody will end up traumatized for life. (Oh, and I agree with QueenIsabella that some, if not most, of the chores won't actually get done. Teens often need "motivation" in these areas and the Uncle doesn't sound like much of a go-getter himself.)

 

[Magpie]

Wow! I think we have a consensus so far.

To answer a few questions -

The ill father has been sick for a while but has taken a turn for the worse. The MIL wants to fly out to see him before he passes away, hence the "emergency" trip.

The girls have lived with the grandparents since the oldest was about 4 and the youngest was a baby. They came from an abusive situation, but have lived in the same house in a decent area ever since and have fairly stable lives (considering). Co-worker knows them well. They spend the night at her house occassionally.

Coworker is...odd. She is nice and always means well, but she is the kind of person who has weird views of things sometimes and doesn't realize it. She *thinks* she is being perfectly normal - I mean, who *wouldn't* do something like this when your teen relatives come to stay for a week? LOL I don't think she is trying to be mean to them - she just thinks that this is what people do. And there is no telling her that it's not normal.

Her Dh has been laid off for the past year, and she was actually laid off from our company for about 5 months from a different department that restructured before coming back a month ago to my area, but they routinely get notices that their grass is too high, and he hasn't "gotten around" to fixing things around the house, so she wants to take advantage of the girls being there this week to help him with the 2 year old so he can get some of this stuff done. Their house normally looks like a wreck - she takes "sweaty selfies" every morning after she works out, and doesn't edit the mess and clutter and dirty clothes, dishes, etc in the family room behind her in the pic.

Funny update - she IM'd me a while after sending the spreadsheet to her DH and said "I love him, but he can be such a jerk sometimes" Apparently, he stopped texting her after she sent him the chore list (he is on it right along with the girls LOL). I responded back "well, if that was my DH, he would *not* do the chores if I gave him a spreadsheet like that just on the pure principle of it. And if he gave ME a spreadsheet of what I am going to be doing for the next week, I would laugh and throw it away, but that's just us...."

She didn't respond.

Copy of some of her list:

C Girls Game Plan!

Tuesday:

· Chores

L - Mow Grass

A- Vacuum Family Room & pull front tree weeds

S - Baby Duty

DH - Strip Paint in Downstairs Shower

C (COWORKER) - Dinner


· Dinner: Recipe #1


Wednesday:

· Chores

L - Dust & Vacuum Living Room/Dining Room

A - Baby Duty

S - Kitchen Clean Up

DH - Bathroom Scrub

C - Dinner


· Dinner: Recipe #2

· Magic Night! – DH & girls

Thursday:

· Chores


L - Baby Duty

A - Front Weeds/Stumps w/DH

S - Vacuum Stairs/Upstairs Hallway, Mop and Sweep Floors in Kitchen and Downstairs Bathroom

DH - Front Weeds/Stumps

C - Straighten Office

· Dinner: BBQ!!

· Fire Pit Night w/S’mores

Ah, so what we have here is a working mum, a stay-at-home dad, a toddler, and a house that is falling down around their ears.

If you can, I'd tell your coworker that you understand her desire to organize everyone into a work crew, but it's simply not going to work. Family members need to be given at least the illusion of control and independence. They won't do chores if you tell them to do them, they'll only do them if they choose to do them (which might be after you tell them, but only if they feel you are being reasonable).

Basically, yes, this stuff needs to get done. But it probably won't get done this week. So, apologize to the husband. Tell him you'll support him in whatever he wants to do this week, and cheer if anything gets done. Offer to pay the girls if they're willing to do the weeding, but don't insist if they aren't keen, and definitely don't give them deadlines.

The only way to get her list accomplished as written, would be to take the week off from work, roll up her sleeves and start in on the work herself. That would give her the authority to rope others in as her assistants and helpers.

Otherwise, she has to accept that when she's not there, her husband is in charge, and she needs to defer to his authority In matters of the home. (Same as it would be, if she was the one home all day instead.)

 

[Mickeyluver37]

My coworker asked me to look at a chore list she put together for her three nieces who are staying the week with her and her DH for the next week while their grandparents (whom they live with...long story) are away for an emergency trip to see the MIL's father who is in hospice care and not doing well.

My first thought was "You are giving them chores?" Thought it was odd, but OK. They are 15, 13 1/2, and 12 so maybe they are messy and she doesn't want to come home to a mess every day. (although I have seen pics of her her house and it looks pretty messy and cluttered and unorganized most of the time anyway, but still....it's different when it's your *own* stuff)

Then she showed me the spreadsheet. Among other things, she will have these girls pulling weeds, cleaning out flower beds, mowing the lawn, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, mopping the floors, and being on "baby duty" - meaning babysitting their 20 month old cousin while the DH (who is out of work, but starts a new job a week from Monday) is performing the chores she gave HIM.

I'm totally not judging other than thinking it's weird and funny (in a non-negative way) but is it odd? I never thought to give my neices and nephews chores to perform when they stay with us....I mean, they will pitch in and help clear the table, or pick up after themselves if they make a mess, but cleaning the bathrooms or doing my landscaping? I never thought about even asking them to do this.

My feedback was "What? It's not color-coded?" and "Are you a little nervous about having them over?"

Her reasoning was because if she didn't keep them busy, they would just play on their phones all day.

Isn't that the awesome thing about being on "vacation" though? Getting extra time to do the things you *want* to do?

This is absurd. The DH is home and could take all 4 kids to do something fun if she's worried about them sitting around doing nothing. I'm sure these kids will NEVER want to come see her again.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think a huge part of it is, she's leaving this huge list of chores, and she's going off to work, expecting it all to get done. She'd have much better luck if she were there, using the "we're all in this together" attitude. If she can't get the time off from work (understandable), she would still do better enlisting her husband with the approach of, "Get these things done in the morning, then after lunch, we can all go to the movies/beach/park/mall."

I still probably wouldn't do this with visitors, but we do this a fair amount in our house. In fact, if DS19 finishes a painting job this morning without complaint, he gets lunch out (probably Hardee's).

 

[ronandannette]

This is absurd. The DH is home and could take all 4 kids to do something fun if she's worried about them sitting around doing nothing. I'm sure these kids will NEVER want to come see her again.

...which might be just fine with everybody anyway. This is not a long-planned, happy family bonding week - it's a semi-emergency where arrangements had to be put together while the Grandpatents tend a dying relative. While I wouldn't make them a chore list, I also wouldn't be able to stop my world on a dime and spend the whole week entertaining them either.

ETA: And I have to chuckle a little at how much of a villain the Aunt has become on this thread. The post right above mine implies she's breezing out the door every morning. Let's remember she's the sole support for her family, is having to be away from her small child all day and now is stepping up to have these 3 girls in for a week without much notice. None of that is simple and stress-free.

 

[mom2rtk]

After reading the actual list, it seems like the "Cinderella" thing may have been a bit over-blown. What they basically have, in addition to watching the kid, is one job each per day that should take about an hour. Will they like it? Maybe not, but then again maybe they're used to doing about the same at home.

This week, from it's description, is far from a vacation or even a normal visit. The biggest pitfall I see in it is how board and restless the teens will be, away from their friends and their stuff at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go. They'll get through it, be happy to get the heck out of there and nobody will end up traumatized for life. (Oh, and I agree with QueenIsabella that some, if not most, of the chores won't actually get done. Teens often need "motivation" in these areas and the Uncle doesn't sound like much of a go-getter himself.)

I agree. And it looks more like she has a husband problem than anything else. She needs to pay the girls a bit to babysit while the husband mows the yard and pulls the weeds.

 

[gwynne]

...which might be just fine with everybody anyway. This is not a long-planned, happy family bonding week - it's a semi-emergency where arrangements had to be put together while the Grandpatents tend a dying relative. While I wouldn't make them a chore list, I also wouldn't be able to stop my world on a dime and spend the whole week entertaining them either.

ETA: And I have to chuckle a little at how much of a villain the Aunt has become on this thread. The post right above mine implies she's breezing out the door every morning. Let's remember she's the sole support for her family, is having to be away from her small child all day and now is stepping up to have these 3 girls in for a week without much notice. None of that is simple and stress-free.

I agree it's a family emergency. I don't agree with taking advantage of the emergency to get her rather long handyman list done by three kids. (Stripping paint? Really?) If she wants them to babysit, then that probably should be their primary job. Three kids under the age of 16 may not keep perfect track of who's trying to do the spread sheet chores, who's watching baby and so on.
Reasonable expectations and a little kindness would yield a much better result. And that goes for anyone, including a woman who is currently the only one working outside the home.
My opinion only-I think she and her husband need to work the major chores together. I get the feeling she may want these things done well and not to a 12 year old's "that's good enough".

 

[CPanther95]

The problem I see is it isn't ambitious enough.

3 kids should be able to make about 200 pairs of Nike sneakers in 6 days that sell for about $100 a pair. Give them the 7th day off and use the profits to get them a cone at Dairy Queen (or Culver's if you're lucky enough to have one).

 

[cabanafrau]

...which might be just fine with everybody anyway. This is not a long-planned, happy family bonding week - it's a semi-emergency where arrangements had to be put together while the Grandpatents tend a dying relative. While I wouldn't make them a chore list, I also wouldn't be able to stop my world on a dime and spend the whole week entertaining them either.

ETA: And I have to chuckle a little at how much of a villain the Aunt has become on this thread. The post right above mine implies she's breezing out the door every morning. Let's remember she's the sole support for her family, is having to be away from her small child all day and now is stepping up to have these 3 girls in for a week without much notice. None of that is simple and stress-free.

By the same token I don't think saying that she shouldn't use them as indentured servants is the same as demanding she entertain them.

 

[ford family]

I agree it's a family emergency. I don't agree with taking advantage of the emergency to get her rather long handyman list done by three kids. (Stripping paint? Really?) If she wants them to babysit, then that probably should be their primary job. Three kids under the age of 16 may not keep perfect track of who's trying to do the spread sheet chores, who's watching baby and so on.
Reasonable expectations and a little kindness would yield a much better result. And that goes for anyone, including a woman who is currently the only one working outside the home.
My opinion only-I think she and her husband need to work the major chores together. I get the feeling she may want these things done well and not to a 12 year old's "that's good enough".

The paint stripping chore is for her husband not any of the three kids.
The chores allocated to the kids in their care for a week seem perfectly straightforward.
The fact that she has used a spreadsheet rather than a "to do" list is irrelevant. I use one for my fast pass pluses.
Given the criticism that the Aunt is getting from so many posters it is no surprise that teenagers and young adults today feel so entitled.

ford family

 

[gwynne]

The paint stripping chore is for her husband not any of the three kids.
The chores allocated to the kids in their care for a week seem perfectly straightforward.
The fact that she has used a spreadsheet rather than a "to do" list is irrelevant. I use one for my fast pass pluses.
Given the criticism that the Aunt is getting from so many posters it is no surprise that teenagers and young adults today feel so entitled.

ford family

Most mothers would want the care of a child to come first.
I think the husband is more familiar with their particular lawnmower than the kids. I would never give kids a paint stripping job and hope for the best. Sometimes being reasonably safety conscious is just that.
Using good adult judgment in a situation like this doesn't make the kids entitled.

 

[King Schultz]

I'm guessing "Magic Night" turns out to be: she comes home and they've all disappeared.

 

[bbak30]

That's weird to me. Seems like she is taking advantage of them. I would understand them helping out and cleaning up after themselves, but it shouldn't be their responsibility to clean out her flowerbeds.

 

[cabanafrau]

That's weird to me. Seems like she is taking advantage of them. I would understand them helping out and cleaning up after themselves, but it shouldn't be their responsibility to clean out her flowerbeds.

Absolutely she is, and using a family emergency to do so. I see no problem in having the kids entertain the toddler for the week and give a hand here and there to contribute to the daily needs of the house as people living there for a week. The non working hubby is freed up to go to town on other chores of the house, which should be a big enough win for the overstretched mom supporting her family.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I can see asking the girls to take the toddler to the playground while he mows the lawn. But why should a teen visiting for a week mow her uncle's lawn?

 

[scrapquitler]

I would expect basic picking up after yourself type stuff (making the bed, putting dishes in the sink) and pitching in with whatever I am doing from any guest, but I wouldn't be assigning extra chores that weren't part of a project I'm working on myself.

When we were young, we used to go and stay with our cousins for a week or so, and my sibling and I each had a same sex cousin who was virtually the same age as we were. We were expected to just pitch in and do whatever our cousin happened to be doing, and that was it. But it wasn't a formal list or anything.

I think the situation the OP is describing is way over the top.

 

[MickeySP]

I like reading Dis...makes me feel normal! .

Well then you are not reading it right

Wow! I think we have a consensus so far.

To answer a few questions -

The ill father has been sick for a while but has taken a turn for the worse. The MIL wants to fly out to see him before he passes away, hence the "emergency" trip.

The girls have lived with the grandparents since the oldest was about 4 and the youngest was a baby. They came from an abusive situation, but have lived in the same house in a decent area ever since and have fairly stable lives (considering). Co-worker knows them well. They spend the night at her house occassionally.

Coworker is...odd. She is nice and always means well, but she is the kind of person who has weird views of things sometimes and doesn't realize it. She *thinks* she is being perfectly normal - I mean, who *wouldn't* do something like this when your teen relatives come to stay for a week? LOL I don't think she is trying to be mean to them - she just thinks that this is what people do. And there is no telling her that it's not normal.

Her Dh has been laid off for the past year, and she was actually laid off from our company for about 5 months from a different department that restructured before coming back a month ago to my area, but they routinely get notices that their grass is too high, and he hasn't "gotten around" to fixing things around the house, so she wants to take advantage of the girls being there this week to help him with the 2 year old so he can get some of this stuff done. Their house normally looks like a wreck - she takes "sweaty selfies" every morning after she works out, and doesn't edit the mess and clutter and dirty clothes, dishes, etc in the family room behind her in the pic.

Funny update - she IM'd me a while after sending the spreadsheet to her DH and said "I love him, but he can be such a jerk sometimes" Apparently, he stopped texting her after she sent him the chore list (he is on it right along with the girls LOL). I responded back "well, if that was my DH, he would *not* do the chores if I gave him a spreadsheet like that just on the pure principle of it. And if he gave ME a spreadsheet of what I am going to be doing for the next week, I would laugh and throw it away, but that's just us...."

She didn't respond.

Copy of some of her list:

C Girls Game Plan!

Tuesday:

· Chores

L - Mow Grass

A- Vacuum Family Room & pull front tree weeds

S - Baby Duty

DH - Strip Paint in Downstairs Shower

C (COWORKER) - Dinner


· Dinner: Recipe #1


Wednesday:

· Chores

L - Dust & Vacuum Living Room/Dining Room

A - Baby Duty

S - Kitchen Clean Up

DH - Bathroom Scrub

C - Dinner


· Dinner: Recipe #2

· Magic Night! – DH & girls

Thursday:

· Chores


L - Baby Duty

A - Front Weeds/Stumps w/DH

S - Vacuum Stairs/Upstairs Hallway, Mop and Sweep Floors in Kitchen and Downstairs Bathroom

DH - Front Weeds/Stumps

C - Straighten Office

· Dinner: BBQ!!

· Fire Pit Night w/S’mores

Don't see where she unlocks the shackles.

I agree. And it looks more like she has a husband problem than anything else. She needs to pay the girls a bit to babysit while the husband mows the yard and pulls the weeds.

 

[ford family]

Most mothers would want the care of a child to come first.
I think the husband is more familiar with their particular lawnmower than the kids. I would never give kids a paint stripping job and hope for the best. Sometimes being reasonably safety conscious is just that.
Using good adult judgment in a situation like this doesn't make the kids entitled.

There is no mother involved, the kids live with their grandparents.
The only person giving the kids a paint stripping job is you. Read the list to see who really has that job!
We do not know how much, if anything, the lawn mower differs from the one they have at their grandparents house, where they usually live.
These kids are not "on vacation", they are being shunted off to a relative in a family emergency. A few chores does not constitute "indentured servitude".
Reading some of the reactions of previous posters it explains why so many young people feel so "precious".

ford family

 

[cabanafrau]

There is no mother involved, the kids live with their grandparents.
The only person giving the kids a paint stripping job is you. Read the list to see who really has that job!
We do not know how much, if anything, the lawn mower differs from the one they have at their grandparents house, where they usually live.
These kids are not "on vacation", they are being shunted off to a relative in a family emergency. A few chores does not constitute "indentured servitude".
Reading some of the reactions of previous posters it explains why so many young people feel so "precious".

ford family

I think the mother being referred to was the mother of the toddler, the one with the spreadsheet.

Reading your reactions begs the question exactly how do you know these children feel either entitled or precious? Or do you merely make that assumption because you know all of them do, ergo these must necessarily feel the same as well? Judging by your user name it suggests you have children. Do or did your children grow up with an attitude of entitlement or preciousness? Would it be inappropriate for us to assume they did?