Giving up on a friend.

[Marseeya]

It's never a good time to give up on a friend, but my friends and I are facing this right now and it's difficult. Have any of you had to face this? How did you cope with the loss of a good friend?

We've been friends with this man since the 6th grade. At one point, my female friends and I have all dated him, but there was always this strong core friendship among us that lasted for a very long time. Our husbands have even become close to him (he never married) and our kids all loved him. He moved to NC, but we always stayed in touch -- he'd come to PA for visits, and my family went to visit him in NC. Off and on, he'd suffered from depression and would retreat from everyone, but he always got through it. A couple of years ago, my friend had a heart attack and nearly died. He sank into a deep, deep depression, because he lost his business and just had a rough time of it. He kept in touch sporadically, but then told my one friend that he was going to change his number and he did. This is just so painful for us. We've all tried tracking him down, but it's next to impossible. Last year, my DH and I even drove around his area of NC to physically find him, but to no avail.

My girlfriends and I have just come to the very sad conclusion that we have to give up. It's heartbreaking to realize that we may never see him again, or that something could happen to him and we'd never know. It's just very difficult. How hard would it have been for him to just say that he needed his space, and here's a way to contact him in case of an emergency? Isn't that what friends do? There's a part of me that's so angry because of how selfish he's being. He's not the only one with problems. But there's another part of me that's just plain sad.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I needed to get that out.

 

[binny]

no advice, been there and it stinks. Hope you can find some peace with it.

 

[Grumpy's Wife]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I have never been in your situation before but wanted to offer you a hug. I hope your friend comes around and calls one of you out of the blue. It really sounds like he is going through some serious depression issues. I wish you all well.

 

[budbeerlady]

You cry alot and move away from it. I stopped chasing my old friend. He knows my number and where I live. I would take it so personal when he didnt return a couple of calls over a month or twos time, here we had been great close friends for over 10 years. Some times it still bums me out (like watching the Will and Grace final episode) but for the most part I laugh about the good times we had and hope he knows if he ever needs a shoulder I am still here. But like Dh told me, untill I go to his funeral there is the hope that one day he will reach up and pull his head out of his bottom. On a good day I chalk it up to everyone being busy and life moving on.

 

[Disney Doll]

You just chalk itup to human nature and move on. And realize that men are different from women in how they handle some things.

Maybe he was embarrased at what he perceived as "weakness"...both physicallly & mentally,and thought the easiest thing to do was pull away.

Maybe seeing all of you happy and married, and him being unmarried and already depressed, made him more depressed so he needed to pull away.

There are so many reasons why friends move apart. Maybe someday he'll contact you again, when his life is in a better place.

 

[RitaZ.]

I went through something similar with one of my really good friends, at the time best friend. She went through a difficult time in her life, it involved depression. She got all upset and lost control because I accepted an invitation to another's friend birthday party. She had planned her son's party for the same day and time as my other friend's party and expected me to come to her son's party. I found this out after I told my other friend that we would attend her DD's party. I even planned a get together (my expense) for us to celebrate and acknowledge her son's birthday on a different day, but she wouldn't hear it. It had to be exactly how she wanted and no other way. It was a nasty argument.

Anyway, we didn't talk for over 3 years, I figured our relationship was over. One day, out of the blue, she called me. She wanted to renew our friendship. She was in a better place in her life, she had done a lot of growing and felt good about herself. I always cared about her and her son, she is really a good person and saw no reason not to give our friendship another try. I thought it would feel weird between us after the argument and so much time apart, but we created a new friendship. Since then, we talk on the phone, get together for parties and meet for lunch. In fact, we met for lunch last week. I've known her for 14 years, we met in Lamaze class.

Anyway, leave the door open for your friend. Maybe he'll reach out to you one day when he is feeling better.

 

[Marseeya]

Thanks for the understanding, guys. I'm glad you all understand where I'm coming from.

You just chalk itup to human nature and move on. And realize that men are different from women in how they handle some things.

Maybe he was embarrased at what he perceived as "weakness"...both physicallly & mentally,and thought the easiest thing to do was pull away.

Maybe seeing all of you happy and married, and him being unmarried and already depressed, made him more depressed so he needed to pull away.

There are so many reasons why friends move apart. Maybe someday he'll contact you again, when his life is in a better place.

This is so true and it's extremely frustrating! He always wanted to come visit when things were going well for him financially and he liked throwing his money around, but we never cared about all that. I know he's feeling down because of what happened to his business, but it really frustrates the rest of us, because we want to be here for him -- it makes us feel as if he thinks we only like him when he's successful and nothing could be farther from the truth. I mean, geez, we've liked him since he was a gawky pre-teen goofball for crying out loud.

 

[Jeanny]

that's sad

 

[goofy's friends]

It is very sad to go through this. Just remember that you have done all you can and the rest is up to him. He obviously is depressed and I think Disney Doll hit on alot of his issues, too. There is only so much one person can do in a relationship and you've done it. I'm sure you're right about the space he needs and you may hear from him next week, but it could also be never. You have no choice but to let him go and welcome him back if he decides.

 

[miss missy]

This is all I can add:

ARE YOU A REASON, A SEASON, OR A LIFETIME?

Pay attention to what you read. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a
need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a
difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But,only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

 

[goofy's friends]

Love that, Miss Missy. Beautiful. Can't we all relate a friend into each category?? Thanks for sharing.

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

I had a friend in high school who after high school got mixed up in some pretty bad stuff. My other friend and I tried to keep in touch with her when she was doing well but eventually she disappeared. We always figured that she had died somehow (yes, morbid but you have no idea what she was involved with) and every once in awhile joked about going on a talk-show to find her.

My other friend got a letter from her this past xmas. 7 years later. Don't give up.

 

[Pin Wizard]

And realize that men are different from women in how they handle some things.

As I was reading I was thinking...only men I've known have done this. Not one female. Very inconsiderate of others. All you can do is move on.

 

[Kristi1357]

Maybe he was embarrased at what he perceived as "weakness"...both physicallly & mentally,and thought the easiest thing to do was pull away.

There are so many reasons why friends move apart. Maybe someday he'll contact you again, when his life is in a better place.

I am going through this exact thing with my best friend! She periodically gets really depressed and has this anxiety thing where she feels if she's not perfect, she's the most horrible person in the world. For example, if she doesn't return my call in a few days, she begins to think she's the world's most awful friend and not worthy of my friendship. She then falls off the face of the earth. What's even sadder is that logically, she knows it's silly. But she still can't bring herself to contact me, or her sisters, or whoever it is at that time.

Once she even regained contact by calling me from her therapist's office.

Don't give up on your friend. It sounds like a case of depression. It's hard when you love someone and they put you in this situation!