Girls at school spreading dangerous rumors (8th grade)

[momz]

I got a call from one of the discipline counselors today regarding my son. He went to the counselor to report a problem with two girls in his grade. Going to the counselor is a highly unusual thing for him to do. My conversations with the counselors typically involve them asking me to talk with DS about knocking off the goofiness in the cafeteria because he gets too loud.

This time, however, the issue is much much more serious. The counselor told me that DS and his friend had a heated political discussion in band today with two girls, and the girls, "said some inappropriate things." The counselor, of course, didn't reveal who the girls are (I didn't ask), but she also didn't tell me what was said, just that it was inappropriate.

So, I spoke with DS about it when he got home. Turns out the girls accused both boys of being racist and homophobic. But also, they accused DS of (in his words), "going around <assaulting> girls." The word assault is actually a different word that starts with an R.

DS went to the counselor to report this. He is horrified that these things are being said about him and he didn't know what else to do.

My thoughts are all over the place on this. I am proud of him for reporting it. I believe him that the accusations aren't true. I am worried about these accusations getting around. And I want to know how he can protect himself against this defamation. Nothing good can come from this.

DS recognizes how serious this accusation is.

Any advice? I'm ready to hear all sides.

If it matters, this is a very large school with 700-800 kids per class. It is impossible for the teachers and staff to know the character of all the students.

 

[kimblebee]

8th grade? I’d say no one is going to take it seriously and it will blow over. The more you react, the more is stays in the forefront.

I know it’s awful for those things to be said about your son, I’d do little beyond making sure the girls are talked to by the councillor about spreading false rumours.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Id image by tomorrow the girls will be on to something else. I hope someone will have a very stern conversation with those girls about spreading rumors and lies.

My daughter is in 8th grade. I can't image any of the girls in her click doing that.

 

[NotBaroque]

Since you weren't present for the discussion & don't know what was actually said on both sides (despite what you believe), it would be best to stay out of it. Any sort of reaction on your part will add a lot of fuel to a very temporary fire.

 

[Disneylover99]

I got a call from one of the discipline counselors today regarding my son. He went to the counselor to report a problem with two girls in his grade. Going to the counselor is a highly unusual thing for him to do. My conversations with the counselors typically involve them asking me to talk with DS about knocking off the goofiness in the cafeteria because he gets too loud.

This time, however, the issue is much much more serious. The counselor told me that DS and his friend had a heated political discussion in band today with two girls, and the girls, "said some inappropriate things." The counselor, of course, didn't reveal who the girls are (I didn't ask), but she also didn't tell me what was said, just that it was inappropriate.

So, I spoke with DS about it when he got home. Turns out the girls accused both boys of being racist and homophobic. But also, they accused DS of (in his words), "going around <assaulting> girls." The word assault is actually a different word that starts with an R.

DS went to the counselor to report this. He is horrified that these things are being said about him and he didn't know what else to do.

My thoughts are all over the place on this. I am proud of him for reporting it. I believe him that the accusations aren't true. I am worried about these accusations getting around. And I want to know how he can protect himself against this defamation. Nothing good can come from this.

DS recognizes how serious this accusation is.

Any advice? I'm ready to hear all sides.

If it matters, this is a very large school with 700-800 kids per class. It is impossible for the teachers and staff to know the character of all the students.

Having false rumours spread about you is certainly malicious and scary.

I'd be curious to know what this "heated discussion" was about, that led to the boys being called racist and homophobic in the first place.

 

[Southernmiss]

Middle school years are so tough and drama filled.

Most of what my 4 did in middle school was ignore the doofuses who created crap.

Proud of your son for going to the counselors. Hope that nips it in the bud.

 

[ronandannette]

I don't know, OP - if I were you I'd be plenty concerned about the potential fall-out. What kind of follow-up would be done if those girls actually claimed they were victimized by your son? We all agree we want victims of sexual assault taken seriously; it's pretty chilling to wonder how a false accusation would be handled. What did this counsellor indicate was happening with the girls over their behaviour - were they getting a "pass"?

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Hopefully it will blow over but be prepared to put on your gloves and go to bat for your son if you need to. Sadly I find that the administration often overreacts in favour of the "victim" especially if it is girl against a boy's word. That's just my experience.

 

[NotBaroque]

Hopefully it will blow over but be prepared to put on your gloves and go to bat for your son if you need to. Sadly I find that the administration often overreacts in favour of the "victim" especially if it is girl against a boy's word. That's just my experience.

The default should be to believe the victim (that's victim, not "victim" unless proven otherwise), then investigate further. Initial disclosures should ALWAYS be believed and taken seriously. However, I do not see that the girls accused the boys of any wrongdoing against them specifically.

OP should absolutely not be "going to bat" unless she's 100% sure of the team she's playing for, and she cannot be sure because she was not present.

Remember that the only information that came from the counselor (and presumably from the teacher in the band room at the time) was merely that it was "inappropriate" - the counselor did not provide OP any specifics about what was said. The specifics presented by OP are not from an impartial source.

Be VERY careful in how you approach this - as in, do not approach it at all unless the counselor indicates that you should.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

The default should be to believe the victim (that's victim, not "victim" unless proven otherwise), then investigate further. Initial disclosures should ALWAYS be believed and taken seriously. However, I do not see that the girls accused the boys of any wrongdoing against them specifically.

OP should absolutely not be "going to bat" unless she's 100% sure of the team she's playing for, and she cannot be sure because she was not present.

Remember that the only information that came from the counselor (and presumably from the teacher in the band room at the time) was merely that it was "inappropriate" - the counselor did not provide OP any specifics about what was said. The specifics presented by OP are not from an impartial source.

Be VERY careful in how you approach this - as in, do not approach it at all unless the counselor indicates that you should.

I worked in a school for 10 years so I am giving advice based on my experience. If you know your child you should 100% go to bat for them just as you would your daughter if it comes down to it.

Innocent until proven guilty.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I can understand where you're coming from, as I also have a son. Hopefully the counselor questioned the girls and spoke to their parents as well, after speaking with your son.

I would wait and see. In the meantime, I'd advise your DS to avoid these girls as much as possible. Also, he should NOT discuss this matter with any other friends, nor post anything about the incident or the girls involved on social media.

 

[Klayfish]

8th grade? I’d say no one is going to take it seriously and it will blow over. The more you react, the more is stays in the forefront.

I know it’s awful for those things to be said about your son, I’d do little beyond making sure the girls are talked to by the councillor about spreading false rumours.

Yep, this. My oldest (a boy) is also in 8th grade. Hate to say it, but "kids will be kids" with stuff like this. I heard (and admittedly said) some really dumb stuff when I was 13. I wouldn't make much of it. I hear the boys saying all kinds of crazy things during football practice.

 

[NotBaroque]

I worked in a school for 10 years so I am giving advice based on my experience. If you know your child you should 100% go to bat for them just as you would your daughter if it comes down to it.

OP cannot even be sure that there was an accusation. Even if the facts are exactly as presented, she has nothing to defend him against. The best thing she can do is talk to him about why he thinks the girls might have said those things about him & his friend. Do they tell off-color jokes during those goofy times in the cafeteria? Are the girls just mean? OP doesn't know. Either way, she gets one side of the story. The counselor & the teacher both know the full story and clearly have a handle on what ought to be done. If they do not act further, there was nothing to act further on.

Anyone who has spent any time working in a middle school or as the parent of middle school kids will surely know that this nasty rumor will disappear in a week or so unless dragged out by a third party, i.e. Mom/Dad. And, she should advise her son to avoid these girls entirely.

 

[Hannahinwonderland]

I agree that the topic should just be avoided outside of the counselor's office. Definitely, definitely encourage your son to not post about it on social media, not even privately.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

OP cannot even be sure that there was an accusation. Even if the facts are exactly as presented, she has nothing to defend him against. The best thing she can do is talk to him about why he thinks the girls might have said those things about him & his friend. Do they tell off-color jokes during those goofy times in the cafeteria? Are the girls just mean? OP doesn't know. Either way, she gets one side of the story. The counselor & the teacher both know the full story and clearly have a handle on what ought to be done. If they do not act further, there was nothing to act further on.

Anyone who has spent any time working in a middle school or as the parent of middle school kids will surely know that this nasty rumor will disappear in a week or so unless dragged out by a third party, i.e. Mom/Dad. And, she should advise her son to avoid these girls entirely.

I'm assuming that the OP already spoke to her child about the accusations. How do you ascertain that the counsellor and the teacher know the full story and have a clear handle on what to be done? I'm assuming that they weren't there. I've seen some pretty over zealous reactions by admin to unfounded accusations in my time in school. Not ever any against my own kids thank god. As I said I worked in a middle school for 10 years. Some kids are trouble be it boy or girl.

 

[ronandannette]

I worked in a school for 10 years so I am giving advice based on my experience. If you know your child you should 100% go to bat for them just as you would your daughter if it comes down to it.

Innocent until proven guilty.

There's a massive public-service campaign underway in my city right now called "I Believe You". Billboards, handbills, newspaper and magazine ads, tv and radio commercials - all strongly implying that there's only one acceptable response to anyone who makes an accusation of sexual assault. I know from personal experience what a daunting prospect it is for a victim to come forward, but yet the (rare) potential to exploit an innocent person really needs sober consideration. I would certainly be frightened if my son was part of this mess - there's no telling what happens next.

I can understand where you're coming from, as I also have a son. Hopefully the counselor questioned the girls and spoke to their parents as well, after speaking with your son.

I would wait and see. In the meantime, I'd advise your DS to avoid these girls as much as possible. Also, he should NOT discuss this matter with any other friends, nor post anything about the incident or the girls involved on social media.

Yes - 1,000x yes!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Tough spot to be in. You can go and talk to the counselor without his knowledge if he is a minor. I would say make that your first step if you want to pursue information. Hear the counselor's side first, before talking with your son again. Find out the details she would not reveal over the phone.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

There's a massive public-service campaign underway in my city right now called "I Believe You". Billboards, handbills, newspaper and magazine ads, tv and radio commercials - all strongly implying that there's only one acceptable response to anyone who makes an accusation of sexual assault. I know from personal experience what a daunting prospect it is for a victim to come forward, but yet the (rare) potential to exploit an innocent person really needs sober consideration. I would certainly be frightened if my son was part of this mess - there's no telling what happens next.

It's a fine line believing a victim before it's been proven and being innocent until proven guilty. I can only give my experiences. We all know that guys can be little you know whats. But let's face it. So can girls and many times in middle school they play the victim when in fact they are the instigators. Cooler heads should prevail.

 

[Skywalker]

The default should be to believe the victim (that's victim, not "victim" unless proven otherwise), then investigate further. Initial disclosures should ALWAYS be believed and taken seriously. However, I do not see that the girls accused the boys of any wrongdoing against them specifically.

OP should absolutely not be "going to bat" unless she's 100% sure of the team she's playing for, and she cannot be sure because she was not present.

Remember that the only information that came from the counselor (and presumably from the teacher in the band room at the time) was merely that it was "inappropriate" - the counselor did not provide OP any specifics about what was said. The specifics presented by OP are not from an impartial source.

Be VERY careful in how you approach this - as in, do not approach it at all unless the counselor indicates that you should.

So, to the first bolded part...you believe the justice system should function as a "guilty until proven innocent" system like some third world nations?
To the second bolded part..maybe you should look in the mirror on that one.

 

[gotomu212]

I don't know, OP - if I were you I'd be plenty concerned about the potential fall-out. What kind of follow-up would be done if those girls actually claimed they were victimized by your son? We all agree we want victims of sexual assault taken seriously; it's pretty chilling to wonder how a false accusation would be handled. What did this counsellor indicate was happening with the girls over their behaviour - were they getting a "pass"?

The way I'm reading it is not that the girls are accuser her son of attacker them, but that he's a racist, homophobic, rapist (which would be horrible to hear about your son but is very different than someone accusing him of assault).

Middle schoolers say incredibly stupid things. I wouldn't unnessarily throw fuel on this but just keep in touch with the counselor and your son to see if this fades away or becomes more serious. I'd also counsel your son about anything he might have said doing his heated debate- along with stupid crap middle schoolers say, boys can say especially homophobic things at this age (I was shocked at some of the stuff the normally sweet kids I tutored said on occasion - it's a lot of false bravado and extreme histrionics)