Girl friend from highschool...dangerous path

[IluvKingLouis]

I'm 47 as is my old acquaintance. She won't really talk to me anymore because she has chosen a much very different lifestyle.

I recently came across a picture of her online and there were noticeable bruises around her wrists and upper arms. She is hanging out with a rougher crowd. She dumped her husband (a dear friend of mine) because he wasn't exciting enough. He was a computer programmer who made a good living and treated her like gold but wasn't a bad boy.

I recently reached out to her, so she'd have a soft place to land. Just in case things got bad. She basically told me to go to, you know where, so there isn't really anything I can do.

Do you thing a few bruises on the arms/wrists will escalate? I kind of think that will most likely be the case. I can tell her ex, who can tell her adult son who lives nearby. Even though I have nothing in common with her, I don't want to see a woman abused.

 

[rwdavis2]

I'm sympathetic if the woman is being abused. But if she's in with a rough crowd you need to look out for your own safety first. (Assuming she's local to you)
BD

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm 47 as is my old acquaintance. She won't really talk to me anymore because she has chosen a much very different lifestyle.

I recently came across a picture of her online and there were noticeable bruises around her wrists and upper arms. She is hanging out with a rougher crowd. She dumped her husband (a dear friend of mine) because he wasn't exciting enough. He was a computer programmer who made a good living and treated her like gold but wasn't a bad boy.

I recently reached out to her, so she'd have a soft place to land. Just in case things got bad. She basically told me to go to, you know where, so there isn't really anything I can do.

Do you thing a few bruises on the arms/wrists will escalate? I kind of think that will most likely be the case. I can tell her ex, who can tell her adult son who lives nearby. Even though I have nothing in common with her, I don't want to see a woman abused.

There could be several reasons for her bruises. Maybe she told you to go to you know where because she thought you were making judgemental assumtions that weren't true.

If you are right, all you can do is be there for her if she reaches out. Let's hope there's another reason for the bruises.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Sadly, some people can't be saved until they reach rock bottom. She has told you to step back, and pursuing her may cause her to retreat even further.

You don't really know where the bruising came from, so it is difficult to determine if it will escalate.

I would tell her ex, and then let them handle it. They probably know the situation better.

 

[RitaE]

Okay this is the thing. You have seen a picture and have assumed that the bruises equate abuse. You could be right, you could be wrong - but you have no facts. But THEN, you reach out to her with a desire to "Save Her" from the lifestyle you say she has chosen. That is why she has told you to go to you know where.

Whether you are right or wrong, you are putting yourself into a position of judgement and butting in where you haven't been invited and apparently she resents it.

I don't know your friend, I don't know her new lifestyle, I don't know what those pictures look like. But I can tell you that somebody who isn't looking for help will really resent having an old acquaintance come along and somehow assume that she's going to be allowed to be a rescuer - along with the assumptions that you will be running to her adult son and Ex to stage an intervention.

If you want to be her friend then invite her out to lunch and the movies and be a friend.

 

[IluvKingLouis]

Okay this is the thing. You have seen a picture and have assumed that the bruises equate abuse. You could be right, you could be wrong - but you have no facts. But THEN, you reach out to her with a desire to "Save Her" from the lifestyle you say she has chosen. That is why she has told you to go to you know where.

Whether you are right or wrong, you are putting yourself into a position of judgement and butting in where you haven't been invited and apparently she resents it.

I don't know your friend, I don't know her new lifestyle, I don't know what those pictures look like. But I can tell you that somebody who isn't looking for help will really resent having an old acquaintance come along and somehow assume that she's going to be allowed to be a rescuer - along with the assumptions that you will be running to her adult son and Ex to stage an intervention.

If you want to be her friend then invite her out to lunch and the movies and be a friend.

I live several states away. I know she has no friends. Her social skills are terrible. She has tried to make friends using Meet Up and dating sites.

We were good friends through our mid 20's.

Like I said, I'm just trying to give her a soft place to land, but I know that's not possible. Just wondering if I should point this possible abuse out to others.

As far as my take on the bruises. I am studying computer forensics, and it does involve picture analysis. These bruises are caused by fingers. I've analyzed the position of the sun in the pictures and not only can't these be shadows, but you can see the joint marks in the bruising.

 

[JLTraveling]

Okay, here's my take on it. I'm assuming that you haven't been a witness to any of your friend's "rougher crowd" lifestyle. You're also good friends with her ex, so you may be predisposed to a tiny bit of judgment towards her current choices. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but just to point out that the way things seem from a far distant perspective aren't necessarily the way they are up close.

I run with a crowd that could be considered "rough." They're not really, they have hearts of gold. But they're definitely living an alternative lifestyle. Some of them are homeless. Some are barely scraping by on the "bad" side of town. So it would be easy to get the wrong impression.

I also do ballroom dance, physical comedy-style theater, and fetish modeling. All of those activities involve a lot of lifting, throwing, falling on the ground, basically being manhandled by a partner, especially during rehearsal times. So I've frequently ended up with bruises on my wrists, upper arms, ankles, thighs, etc.

Now, someone who didn't know me very well could easily put two and two together--look at the people she's hanging out with, and look at the bruises all over her body. She must be abused. In reality, that's far from the truth, but it's not an unreasonable conclusion to draw.

I'm with the others. If you want to be a friend, then be a friend. I know you live several states away--call her up and have a chat. Let her know she can call you anytime. But don't go into it assuming that there's something wrong. It may very well NOT be what you think. If it IS, then she'll tell you once you rebuild trust. But right now, going on a crusade is likely to backfire. Good luck!

 

[RitaE]

I live several states away. I know she has no friends. Her social skills are terrible. She has tried to make friends using Meet Up and dating sites.

We were good friends through our mid 20's.

Like I said, I'm just trying to give her a soft place to land, but I know that's not possible. Just wondering if I should point this possible abuse out to others.
.

No. Again - it has been a very long time since you were friends. I understand you are concerned but also remember - she is an adult woman, not a child. You have no right to interfere in her life like that, no matter how good your intentions might be.

 

[IluvKingLouis]

I guess you're right. I won't say anything. I hope I'm wrong about the bruises, and I hope if I should happen to be right there is no escalation.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Just wondering if I should point this possible abuse out to others.

Absolutely not! That would equate to starting rumors since you have no real proof other than a photograph on the internet. You don't know how they got there.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Okay, here's my take on it. I'm assuming that you haven't been a witness to any of your friend's "rougher crowd" lifestyle. You're also good friends with her ex, so you may be predisposed to a tiny bit of judgment towards her current choices. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but just to point out that the way things seem from a far distant perspective aren't necessarily the way they are up close.

I run with a crowd that could be considered "rough." They're not really, they have hearts of gold. But they're definitely living an alternative lifestyle. Some of them are homeless. Some are barely scraping by on the "bad" side of town. So it would be easy to get the wrong impression.

I also do ballroom dance, physical comedy-style theater, and fetish modeling. All of those activities involve a lot of lifting, throwing, falling on the ground, basically being manhandled by a partner, especially during rehearsal times. So I've frequently ended up with bruises on my wrists, upper arms, ankles, thighs, etc.

Now, someone who didn't know me very well could easily put two and two together--look at the people she's hanging out with, and look at the bruises all over her body. She must be abused. In reality, that's far from the truth, but it's not an unreasonable conclusion to draw.

I'm with the others. If you want to be a friend, then be a friend. I know you live several states away--call her up and have a chat. Let her know she can call you anytime. But don't go into it assuming that there's something wrong. It may very well NOT be what you think. If it IS, then she'll tell you once you rebuild trust. But right now, going on a crusade is likely to backfire. Good luck!

Amen. There are many different lifestyles out there that can be and are deeply, deeply satisfying to those who are involved in them. However, these lifestyles may seem appalling to people who've either never experienced them or personally feel that others shouldn't want to be involved in them so they're going to "save" that person from themselves.

Would anyone welcome my efforts to "save" you from the potential of killing yourself and experiencing decades of financial loss and heartache because you decided to get married and have children? Of course not! However, that's exactly what it is when people decide to mount a crusade to "save" someone from a lifestyle that they personally find objectionable but the person experiencing that lifestyle finds emotionally and physically satisfying.

I guess you're right. I won't say anything. I hope I'm wrong about the bruises, and I hope if I should happen to be right there is no escalation.

And that's about all you can do. If you live several states away and are good friends with her ex-husband, it's highly unlikely that she's going to be coming to you anyway. Your best decision is to mind your own business. If she asks you for help, then that's the time to get involved if you so choose.

 

[Witch Mountain]

I agree with the PP that if you're an old friend of her ex-DH, she may not accept your communications in a positive light. It may look like the ex is trolling for info and you're the one who will be feeding him information.

Let me say this: I bruise VERY easily. A lot of the time, I'll have a bruise and no clue of what I bumped into that caused it. You don't know if she also bruises easily, is working out in the gym, dance class, hiking or any sort of activity where bruising can occur.

 

[marlynnp]

I think it's creepy to be trying to insinuate yourself into this woman's life.

 

[IluvKingLouis]

I think it's creepy to be trying to insinuate yourself into this woman's life.

She was once a very dear friends who has made some unfortunate choices. I was there for her when she left her first husband, who was abusive. I bought clothing/toys for her son.

I'm friends w/ her ex husband (husband number two) because we were roommates in college and remained good friends (it was platonic).

I think unless you understand the 30 year history we have, it's a bit unkind to say what you did.

I've already decided to keep this to myself and let her seek help on her own if that's her decision.

I posted because I have never been in an abusive situation, and I was wondering if this typically escalates. I don't think it's wrong to be concerned about a woman who is possibly being abused.

 

[JLTraveling]

I don't think it's wrong to be concerned about a woman who is possibly being abused.

Of course not. But it IS wrong to assume that a woman is possibly being abused based on nothing more than a photo of her with bruises. What if your kid got a nice shiner during a baseball game, and happened to post a Facebook photo before it healed. Would you want this woman, or anyone else, to assume your were abusing your child?

 

[IluvKingLouis]

Like I stated, I've decided not to do/say anything. She has a history of liking guys that are abusive. So, yes, I may have jumped to conclusions when I saw bruising on her arms and wrist.

Her last boyfriend (a year ago) had a temper and was jealous to the point that he took control of her cell phone.

I know I can't fix things for her. She seems to like bad boys, and unless she ends up in a hospital, I'm guessing she's fine with the craziness.

She teaches piano from her home and has a "no parents around while I'm teaching" policy. I hope the kids aren't in any danger.

 

[Magic Mom]

Like I stated, I've decided not to do/say anything. She has a history of liking guys that are abusive. So, yes, I may have jumped to conclusions when I saw bruising on her arms and wrist.

Her last boyfriend (a year ago) had a temper and was jealous to the point that he took control of her cell phone.

I know I can't fix things for her. She seems to like bad boys, and unless she ends up in a hospital, I'm guessing she's fine with the craziness.

She teaches piano from her home and has a "no parents around while I'm teaching" policy. I hope the kids aren't in any danger.

You seem to know a lot of details about this person you were friends with 15 years ago.

If you still have that much interest in the day to day happenings in her life, why don't you just start the friendship up again insead of trying to "save" her from herself. She might be more receptive to that.

 

[mickeysgal]

I'm 47 as is my old acquaintance. She won't really talk to me anymore because she has chosen a much very different lifestyle.

I recently came across a picture of her online and there were noticeable bruises around her wrists and upper arms. She is hanging out with a rougher crowd. She dumped her husband (a dear friend of mine) because he wasn't exciting enough. He was a computer programmer who made a good living and treated her like gold but wasn't a bad boy.

I recently reached out to her, so she'd have a soft place to land. Just in case things got bad. She basically told me to go to, you know where, so there isn't really anything I can do.

Do you thing a few bruises on the arms/wrists will escalate? I kind of think that will most likely be the case. I can tell her ex, who can tell her adult son who lives nearby. Even though I have nothing in common with her, I don't want to see a woman abused.

Like I stated, I've decided not to do/say anything. She has a history of liking guys that are abusive. So, yes, I may have jumped to conclusions when I saw bruising on her arms and wrist.

Her last boyfriend (a year ago) had a temper and was jealous to the point that he took control of her cell phone.

I know I can't fix things for her. She seems to like bad boys, and unless she ends up in a hospital, I'm guessing she's fine with the craziness.

She teaches piano from her home and has a "no parents around while I'm teaching" policy. I hope the kids aren't in any danger.

Ok, this is getting weird. She doesn't talk to you, doesn't want you around her and now you're suggesting/hinting at things you know nothing about but can be horribly damaging to a person. It's almost like you are wishing this person ill will.

 

[Allison]

I have to admit to being a little confused too. You said you were good friends through your mid-20's which would be 20 years ago, she doesn't really talk to you anymore and you live several states away. How do you know so many of the details of her day to day life? Honestly, I think you need to back away.